Airlines - do they want me dead? (Airlines in general)

Member Name: The_Cat

Product:	Airlines in general
Date:	29/07/01 (178 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Can be cosy, friendly and welcoming

Disadvantages: Can be a complete nightmare

Before I begin, I'd like to make an apology to the following people;

1)Those who read my Big Brother 2 op - it's tired, uninspired and generally rubbish
2)Those who read my Britannia op - just in case I cover the same ground here as I did then
Right, to the matter at hand...

Aeroplanes can be great places. Sitting reclined in your seat, watching a Hollywood feature film while a magnificent cabin crew cater for your every need is a glorious experience. It's also a very rare experience, at least for me. My Britannia op is more detailed on this, but basically, I'm usually canned in like a sardine, watching a 50's B-movie while Satan and his chums hand out meals. Experiences like this have made me pretty good at criticising airlines, but there is another reason why my whinging skills are so finely honed.

I'm a very nervous flyer. I'm scared of heights and become jumpy when I can't see land, which makes me a bad candidate for trans-Atlantic crossings. Despite this, I've been to Orlando three times, and came back three times, something which the finest doctors in the land have yet to understand.

Sitting, terrified, in your seat while tightly gripping the armrests, constantly looking around the plane in an edgy manner while all the time fighting that bizarre desire to look down is actually a lot of use when it comes to evaluating airline practices. So, after years of study (well, minutes of gentle thought, anyway), I have reached the conclusion that the airlines are trying to kill us all. Confused? Unfortunately, so am I, so bear with me while I try to piece this all together.

There are loads of strange little things that happen to me on planes. Things like how a plane always hits turbulence just as I reach the front of the toilet queue, or how I'm always the person who asks for tea, only to find that they've ran out. These can be inconvenient, as no repeat of The
Vicar Of Dibley is ever complete without a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Actually, no repeat of The Vicar Of Dibley would ever be complete unless someone took a shotgun to the T.V sets, but that's another story...

It was while staring intently at the cabin crew as they whirled into action at feeding time that I got to considering some of the faults that most airlines have. Like the cabin crew themselves. They're like Daleks, aren't they? Watch them the next time they wheel down the aisle towards you, chanting the mantra, 'Turkey-or-pork, turkey-or-pork?', and there's a good chance that you'll see what I mean. I'm also a little lost as to where the stereotype of air stewardesses all looking like models came from, unless the model in question is a 1979 Ford Capri. On every flight I take, the stewardesses are almost pensionable and look like God's horse with a frock on (an expression used by Hartlepool's older population to describe someone who looks ridiculous - don't ask me why). Go figure.

I've also found something more serious than that. As you might just have grasped from this op's title, I think that every airline in the world has an interesting approach to in-flight safety. After all, how else do you explain the quality (ahem!) of airline food! I have a few (not sure how many yet) other problems with safety on flights;

1) When the safety video is played, watch and listen very carefully. You'll have to, as the cabin crew always seem to leave the volume at a very low level throughout the video. Provided the plane stays up, as it will 99.999% of the time (remember, you aren't a nervous flyer, you're a nervous crasher), this doesn't matter. If any of the flights I've taken had hit problems, there's a very good chance that I wouldn't have known what to do. Admittedly, blind panic would have been my main problem, but this panic would only arise if
I was completely clueless in the first place.
2) Why does that card on aeroplane safety that you'll find in the seatback pouches never match the one on the safety video? Next time I'm on a plane, I'm going to make extra-sure that I directly compare the card with the video, to see if any information is actually shared between the two. They don't tell you what to do if you hit water and the plane breaks up either (I think I'm being sarcastic towards myself here, but there may be a shred of seriousness somewhere).
3) If my plane has a sizeable accident (as if it'll have a small one!), there'll probably be a fire at some stage. If I survive the impact, I'll want to escape the fire, and probably even try to partly extinguish it. So why are there no fire extinguishers on passenger flights? To be fair, this is a very picky point which relies on an unlikely situation, but while the chances of the above scenario being played out are remote, it IS still possible.

Anyway, I've wittered on for long enough. I'll be absolutely staggered if anyone agrees with much of what I've said, and equally surprised if I don't get at least one comment calling me a raving pilchard, or something similar. Regardless of what you think, leave a comment - it's the only way I can get feedback, after all.

N.B - I now understand why there aren't any fire extinguishers - thanks, Waikie! Don't suppose a sprinkler system would be much use, either...

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