Collingwood21: Now Living Impaired (Archive in general)

Member Name: collingwood21

Product:	Archive in general
Date:	08/04/04 (45 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I came, I saw, I conquered

Disadvantages: The burial

This was originally written as part of a challenge over on "The Other Side" to write a humerous eulogy for yourself. I hope nobody minds too much over the choice of category!


**October 23rd 2025**

It is with great sadness that I announce the passing of Dr Collingwood21. Our much esteemed colleague was found to be immortally challenged last Monday night after succumbing to a freak accident in her rent-a-hovel apartment. She is succeeded by Mr Collingwood21, an indifferent cat and more books than any woman really has any business owning.

Although investigations are yet to be completed, it is thought that she bought the big one whilst attempting to access the computer, probably to visit dooyoo, where she was a member of some 24 years standing. Unconfirmed reports indicate that it was at this point that the stack of CDs that her Other Half always left by the computer began to become critically unstable. Never a fast runner, the Dr was most likely overtaken by the swift avalanche of Sting and movie soundtracks. She remained buried for several hours until she was found by her Significant Other - the Saint Bernards were called out, but despite arriving swiftly on the scene were unable to rescue Collingwood21 in time. At 22:13 the attending paramedics announced that she had met with a negative patient care outcome. Her last words before she moved into Upper Management were quoted by those present to be: "bugger, now I'll never get my gold dot". But in the eternal mystery that was her brain, I don't think we will ever really know the meaning of this final rambling.

At the time her kicking the oxygen habit, she was just past her 47th birthday and looking forward to taking up her first full-time employment after recently graduating with what was believed t
o be her 14th degree (although we have all kind of lost count by now). After a long and glorious career in gaining pointless qualifications, Collingwood21 had achieved total avoidance of a regular gainful occupation - although she was known to repeatedly insist that her long-winded and rather obscure research could indeed be classified as "work". However, such a talent for circumventing adult responsibility until well into middle age should be given some credit, indeed admiration. After all, it is few people that manage quite a feat without the support of a substantial trust fund.

Collingwood21 will perhaps be best remembered for two traits, though. (Well, three to be honest, but I am banned under the terms of her will to describe her as being "quiet" under threat that she will come back and haunt me). The first of these was her enthusiasm for archaeology and museums, and her constant eagerness to thrust this interest onto anybody that would listen (and quite a few who wouldn't). While endearing at first - or so her mother claimed - people soon had her labelled as "a bit strange". Lost in her own little world though, it is doubtful that she noticed much of this. A number of her accusers did later find themselves mysteriously attacked by vicious winged monkeys armed with archaeological trowels, but no evidence was ever found to link the Dr to these crimes. The second trait was her obsession with the realm of Ciao. For much of those 24 years she appeared to be under the illusion that writing verbose and overly analytical prose about yoghurts and travel sickness tablets somehow brought her peer group acceptance and respect. Those of us who knew in real life felt it kinder not to shatter this illusion.

The funeral, for those of you who wish to attend, will be held at the "Easy Burials" cemetery on Friday morning. In accordan
ce with her last wishes, the funeral will be paid for solely out of the money that Collingwood21 accumulated out of Ciao and dooyoo over the full term of her membership. Given that this only amounts to £17.33 though, it is probably just as well that there will be several field archaeologists in attendance (bring you own trowel, please). Despite a petition from Mr Collingwood21 to have the headstone read, "if anyone would, Collingwood would", it has been decided to go with the deceased's own choice of words:

"Here lies Collingwood21, an Atheist.
All dressed up and no place to go"



R.I.P. Collingwood21, now permanently out of print.

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