Plenty of fools and burnt out nags. (Christmas in General)

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Product:	Christmas in General
Date:	26/12/01 (42 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Good telly, Lots of food

Disadvantages: Del Boy RIP

This was Christmas most anticipated event since The Three Kings spotted a rather bright star. But it turned out to be the second biggest disappointment, the first that Noel Edmonds wasn’t doing one of his sickly Christmas presents from the top of the World Trade Center on a crisp September Tuesday morning.
The opening half-hour was as painful as acid in the eye balls as the gang staggered on to the set as tired and worn as Usama Bin Ladens passport.

Del and Rodneys comedy timing was as coordinated as Bhartez and his defense and as confidence installing near the start like when Bhartex shouts “mine”. Cassandra was as ineffective as usual with Dels boy all grown up into a teenage delinquent from Peckham.
Luckily the producer had the foresight to steal the over used can laughter from “Game on”. Things are bad when the writers entrusted with Britain’s greatest sitcom return have lines for Derrick Trotter like “that’s like selling rice to China Rodney”, now that is One foot in the grave dross which this episode quickly turned into. . Or as Simon on Pop Idol would say”For me it was an average performance…you were no where near good enough.

Bruce Forsyth said never go back to old gags.”I was born in this lovely old quaint town in the nineteen twenties, and the way its going I think im going to die here as he came of stage. That’s the way i felt as a once great sitcom was reduced to Four point two Children.

The episode was all over the place with the old gang with slat n pepper hair for some reason not appearing in any scene with Del and the family. I presume few wanted to revisit horse and did all their shots in one day to distance themselves from the unmitigated disaster.
One sequence had the guys in the pub laughing at a news paper headline of the Trotter family losing it all which was perhaps how they felt about doing a sequel.five years later.


Another annoying aspect of the episode was its pias theme of recapping what had gone before. Tell me a person in Britain who doesn’t know what happened to the Trotters over their twenty wondrous years.
The first gag that could have been funny involved the inevitable funeral for Buster Merryfield that had no where near the emotion of Grandads.
Again the rest of the gang at the proper wake (very appropriate) were just down the road and not in the same shot. Has their been a monumental fall out now Del and Rodney have moved onto bigger things. And the rest are doing ITV 2!.

The first big laugh of the show was Rodney and Cassandra’s bit of naughty role-playing. But by then we were half an hour in and in shock just how bad the show was. The episode tried hard from there but was turning slower than an oil tanker in the Panama Canal.
If this had been the Only Fools pilot i don’t think we would have had all those brilliant laughs over the years.

After we had be given some patronizing catch up of what the family had been doing in the interim the episode plodded along on familiar ground. But without the play off between Del and the gang it just didn’t work.
Dels has of course blown all the money and they are back in the flat Del bought just before the famous watch episode, kind of conveniently for the writers as i think they had the horrible feeling they would all be back here one day.

Cas and Rodders bizarrely see this as an ideal time to try for a baby which goes against all their Middle Class sitcom training from previous episodes.
The big comeback slightly pepped up when Del planned to recoup the monies owed in his failed ventures by going on a quiz show hosted by Jonathon Ross.
I believe they originally wanted to do the scene on Millionaire but had to settle for a spoof one with the bi-sexual entertainer.
Del went for the one hundred grand big prize which of course his phone a friend
Rodney messed up.
Del got back to the flat drunk and laid into Rodders saying getting that question wrong was the biggest mistake of my life .Err wrong Del.it was doing another episode of Only Fools and Horses.

So what is the Christmas highlight so far that wasn’t a movie we have already seen on video or the flicks. At least they put the repeats on off peak in the early hours or in the afternoon. ITV didn’t have one decent film though as they concentrated all their money on TV Ross Kemp type banal populist drama.
The Queen pleaded to the Muslims and the like in her speech not to plough a 747 through the gates of Buck House whilst keeping all the younger Royals out of the broadcast except the good looking gay one that is the future of the clan. And its not Edward!.


Angus Deyton did the typical before they were famous bore along with the fat bird and the home videos.
We know ate all the Christmas pud don’t we gal!.
Pop Idol predictably serruptiously kicked of the fat guy (and that would take some doing) to avoid the embarrassment of him winning through a devious telephone voting public, well I told you so didn’t i.
The p***k Darius has been crow barred in to bump up the ratings with the plan now for the mums to vote in the stuttering Popstar, but like Waterman said, theres no room for sentimentality in this business.


Christmas celebrity Millionaire was a predictable affair of suitably easy questions not to embarrass vacuous blondes and father and daughter comedians.
Tarby took the chance to try and get a laugh from an unpaid audience. The man who had to come of with cartilage problems during his last one man show. Well that’s what he told the press as it was actually a cartridge leg problem as the only guy in the audience opened fire on him.
If he had any signs of foot n mouth he would have long since have been given the bolt in the back of the head. Now theres an idea f
or next years Christmas schedule. “Conveniently” his phone a friend Stephen Fry was actually in the film which was the right answer to the rotund syruped comedians question.

Another schoolboy swear feast and calling everyone gay has reduced “They think its all Over” to, I think its all over. I really can’t see this one getting another run for much longer with all the knob gags. Still who else would employ Rory.
The seasonal Question of Sport had that old prune face ex tennis and lesser star drawling over Ally Mcoist and pictures of Ginola.Colin Montgomorie took it way to seriously and looked like he was going to cry when he didn’t get his pre-meditated golf questions right.
That old stager Wogan was a stand in for the vacant end seat as he reeled of some decent witticisms and anecdotes. Whilst reading his answers of his q-cards like a pro.

Mccoist who preferred to look pretty rather than bright had a little ribbing over going down Patsy Kensits drainpipe Rory Bremmner did the same impression all the way through with some prepared gags. John Parrots a scouser and apparently they are all funny so I laughed politely as he wobbled his ass in front of the picture board.
Wogan also showed up on his annually contracted bloopers show from the dusty basement where he really should stay.
These shows are so predictable and painful that you wonder why they doubled again with Dayton’s more sophisticated version later on.


Parkinson’s crimbo guests were as light weight and thick as Audley Harrison next opponent including the queen of dimness in Geri Halliwell.Im going to have to repeat Jonathan Ross brilliant line about her in the superb comedy awards last week.
I remember the days when it was vodka and not yoga that would guarantee to get Gerris ankles behind her ears.

Another wanna be queen in Dale Winton had a predictable innuendo packed Christmas Cracker.The guy who&#
8217;s a clear fag who pretends he’s straight and then pretends he’s gay to stay on telly.
Dame Edna was `dragged` out of the closet to do another aimless Christmas show whilst borrowing guests Mo”I surrendered to the IRA” Mowlams wig back stage. Will Smith was the star guest who was popping up on just about everything this week, must be plugging a badddd movie.
I hear the producers of Mohammed ALI the movie are having to subpoena audiences after bad rushes.


Will also rocked up on the more agreeable Des Oconner Show where he was allowed to be a show off up against the humble eternally young comedian. The secret to a good chat show is to the let the stars ego run free and not the hosts.
Cher who still looks rather fine and is the only woman on the planet who’s parents married and divorced three times for some reason also made the seasonal sofa.
Paul Whitehouse canceled, as he hasn’t had a hit all year. When he turned to Happiness to move on up we turned to the fast show video and the kettle for light relief.
The camp king at the moment is Graham Norton of course and is till clinging to the same naughty gag to stay on Channel Four.

The extremely unfunny Frank Skinner show was avoided like an Arab with suspiciously smoking shoes by yours truly as i find him as tedious as his nauseating sidekick Baddiel.Thank goodness for a full Premiership program and the highlights at night with Des.
The female highlight was of course Nigella Lawsons chocolate brown eyes and tumbling hair. Never mind those sumptuous breasts that really need some whip cream. Did you know that she and the other super cook in Delia Smith both failed their eleven plus and married rich men.


Not that I watch soaps but im assured it was third world war three as usual preparing the country for next years terrorist attacks which is why we all spent our asses of this Christmas.

Your expected Christmas Day
schedule……….

BBC 2……6pm I LOVE SCRAPPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL…….Assorted B-List celebs pretend to remember their childhood in precise detail whilst sitting in front of a colored background.

ITV 7pm..…BRANCHING OUT Ross Kemp stars as Robson Thaw, an uncovential tree surgeon who sometimes bends the rules but always gets results.

BBC 1 8pm….THE ROSS KEMP STORY…Robson Green stars as Ross Kemp in this true life story of an unconventional actor who some times bends the rules to get results.

BBC 2..10pm…I LOVE DOING THESE TYPE OF PROGRAMS……Desperate Z list celebs like Ainsley Harriet and the Boy Zone knob reminisce about their favorite appearance’s on these kind of programs.

Boxing Day….

BBC 2 11-30am…. CHRISTMAS PRO CELEBRITY GOLF…..…Bruce Forsyth, Jimmy Tarbuck and Kenny Lynch play a round of golf with three prostitutes. Introduced by Peter Allis.

BBC 2 11-59am…. WEATHER WITH ROSS KEMP.

ITV 3…. 12pm…….COOKING FOR ONE ON CHRISTMAS DAY……Anthea Turner cooks a stilton cheese soufflé with chick peas couscous whilst a single viewer watches(Vanessa Feltz).

ITV …….6pm…….SEARCH FOR A KEMP……Its down to the last two finalist,Martin Kemp and Ross.Who will impress the judges the most and win 8 badly written TV dramas?.On the panel are John Thaw, Amanda Burton, Robson Green, and Ross Kemp.

BBC 2 8pm……..WHAT THE KEMPS DID FOR US………Adam Hart Davis looks at the contributions to civilization made by the Kemps.Ross and Martin.This week,bad acting in a coarse and angry manner!.

The three worst films on the schedule and surprisingly they aren’t all Robin Williams vehicles.

JACK BBC1 3-40pm.Thursady 27th December…..Truly hideous unfunny laugh a fortnight
joke as Robin Williams plays a man-child in this Ford Copppola turkey.
When the kids are mocking you in a family movie ten its time for a career move.

FLUBBER BBC1 5-50pm…. See above although he plays a man child scientist in this special effects flop. Even the tech guy’s couldn’t come up with anything to make the audience laugh.
Apparently the professor is so stupid that then forgets to get married every month. The girl is even more dumb when she tolerates it.

BASEKETBALL C4 10-35pm…….Possibly the stupidest film I have ever seen as South Park directors Mat Stone and Trey Parker get cart blanche to do their thing on the big screen.Mixing baseball with basketball doesn’t warrant a two hour movie guys.

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