Don't mention the C-word (Christmas in General)

Member Name: Gaping Chasm

Product:	Christmas in General
Date:	19/11/02 (72 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: well, let me see...

Disadvantages: oh dear...

We wish you a merry, er, Winterval.
We wish you a merry, um, holiday.
We wish you a merry, erm, you know (Kwanzaa/Diwali).
And a happy new, ahem, thingy.

Welcome to the multicultural, sorry about this, C-word. The festival which dare not speak its name will soon be upon us once more. I've been browsing through my cards from last year. There was a marked increase in the number which contain no mention of the C-word.

First out of the blocks, natch, was the one from my friend at the BBC, which featured Father C-word on the cover but a bland "Season's Greetings" indoors. I wonder how many drafts it took to get that one past the diversity department.

It's the corporate cards which tend to steer clear of any reference to the C-word or the New Year. Can't blame them, I suppose, given that every large organisation contains a fair share of professional malcontents, bristling with self-righteous indignation and primed with a hair-trigger to take offence at any slight, real or, usually, imagined. It can only be a matter of time before one of them turns up before an industrial tribunal demanding trebles-all-round compensation because their employer had the audacity to mention the C-word at the, er, Late December Party.

Who, exactly, is offended by the C-word? Certainly not my Jewish friends, with whom I always exchange C-word cards. Karim, who runs Tandoori Nights, doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Neither does Mr Patel, my splendid newsagent. His shop is full of C-word cards, decorations, paper chains, fairy lights, seasonal selection boxes and tinsel angels. I've never known a Chinese restaurant turn away a party of New Year revellers on December 31 on the grounds that they're a couple of months early.

A Muslim colleague of mine at my last company used to look forward to C-word Eve. He'd mind the reception desk while we went out and got slaughtered on Black Velvets at
nine o'clock in the morning. For us, it meant a monumental hang-over on C-word Day. For him, it was a double shift. So what's the big deal?

Members of religious minorities, apart from the usual handful of mad mullahs who would be happier living in a cave in Tora Bora, accept C-word for what it is... a quasi-holy excuse for professional footballers to disgrace themselves in public; for secretaries to wake up next morning with their knickers on back-to-front and a photocopied picture of their aris on the office noticeboard; and for the rest of us to bury our differences for five minutes and split a dried-out turkey before The Great Escape.

The killjoys, as always, are the Guardianistas, brimful of hatred for their own country and its traditions. If they had their way, Frankie would be singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Holiday. Noddy would be screaming It's Winterval. And Roy Wood would be wishing it could be Diwali every day. The New Scrooges are determined to politicise the one time of the year when we are supposed to forget our differences, no matter how briefly.

Step forward the Equal Opportunities Unit at Lancashire Constabulary (the force which brought you the Burnley riots). They have issued a festive "Checklist For Those Organising Events!" Note the exclamation mark! I bet they've got a notice in the office which reads: "You Don't Have To Read The Guardian To Work Here... But It Helps!" The eight-point "checklist" naturally contains no mention of the C-word. I shan't bore you with all of it. (You could probably write it yourself after a couple of pints of egg nog.)

But here are some of the highlights.

* When sending out invitations, make sure to use "inclusive language". If you have colleagues who are disabled, take their needs into account... eg: no basketball or dwarf-tossing contests.

* If you are booking a turn, make sure the entert
ainment is "suitable" and the content isn't going to be offensive... eg: no shirtlifting/Osama bin Laden gags. And definitely no Jim Davidson/Bernard Manning/Chubby Brown.

* Consider dietary requirements in catering arrangements. (Does that mean I don't have to eat bloody poached salmon?) Oh, and make sure the C-word party doesn't clash with Ramadan.

* Finally, have you discussed with your colleagues how to "challenge inappropriate behaviour"? I assume that means no cracks such as: "Is that a truncheon in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?" Or: "Does my helmet look big in this?"

How on earth do you describe these New Scrooges? Difficult, I know. But try the other C-word.

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