Men and Women: A Chemical Analysis (Competition Archive)

Member Name: collingwood21

Product:	Competition Archive
Date:	12/04/04 (80 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: You may find this funny...

Disadvantages: ...then again, you may not

DISCLAIMER - Please note that this joke is not intended to be in any way offensive (I have edited it a little to remove any parts that I thought may bother some members). I know of many people who have read this, and not one was offended, so I decided it was safe to post on dooyoo. It is just intended to be funny. Or as funny as anything coming from me can be, anyway.



- Woman: a chemical analysis

Element: Woman
Chemical Symbol: W
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in urban areas
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6kg, but may vary from 40 to 200kg


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied in correct points


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
6. Most forms desire reaction with M


COMMON USES
1. Mainly ornamental
2. Can be great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent


TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state 2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen


POTENTIAL HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one example of this substance, although several can be maintained in different locations so long as they do not come into direct contact with each other



- Man: a chemical analysis

Element: Man
Chemical Symbol: M
Discoverer: Eve
Occurrence: Found following duel element W, often in high concentration near a perfect W specimen.
Atomic mass: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
3. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with W, often emitting a distinctive grunting sound at regular intervals
6. Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
7. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
8. Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the W common ore.
9. When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, or flattery are applied.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Most forms desire reaction with W, even when no further reaction is possible.
2. May react with several W isotopes in short period under extremely favourable conditions.
3. Most powerful aggravating agent known to W.
4. Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
6. When saturated with alcohol, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
7. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
8. Is repelled by small children clothed in nappies, particularly those of the malodorous variety.


STORAGE
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for W
c) Can be used in recreational activities.


TESTS
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.


CAUTION
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other M interferes with reaction to a particular W specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.




**Thank you for reading this opinion. Thank you even more if you managed to find some humour in it.**

Summary: Collingwood21 attempts humour