Newest Review: ... vessel. Now we have the ingredients, here is the method I've adopted over the years for the best results. Firstly, firmly tap the top ... more
A Recipe for Getting Plastered
Member Name: 1st2thebar
Advantages: The first one is always the best
Disadvantages: Repeating the process too much has major fall downs
F is for Fosters.
The word diet for me means: 'time to make some money for the so-called flab busters'. There is nothing worse than some upstart telling an adult what to eat. Worse still their shrilling tones vibrate in the memory bank while popping in a 'pain au chocolat' in the shopping trolley. Naturally I ignore their food dictatorship and enjoy the treat even more so, once the shrilling tones die off. My opinion is, I've managed up to now, so why do you feel it is alright to dictate my food intake? Surely this is gross prejudice against the 'apple shaped' human. Indeed this form of intrusion is enough to turn a man to drink - it is known as the liquid diet. Now this form of diet cannot with precision tell you the number of calories you've consumed, this is the wonderful observation about liquids. Unless of course, you've a dietitian as a spouse who measures all forms of intake to the book - I assume they've mastered measuring because I cannot imagine they'll meander about daily with measuring tools on their person measuring all forms of liquid ready for consumption. Obviously, a fair number of these types are single and find it difficult to sustain a meaningful relationship. The thought of a morning routine of having your spouse pinching more than an inch would grate on my conscious, too the point I'll be in the spare room or closet for peace and tranquility, as well as saving my spare tyre of finger-tip bruising. One of my favourite liquid diets consists of a six-pack and transparent pint glass vessel.
Ingredients and Method
It is getting rather serious when you've got to write the ingredients and method in bullet-point formatted lineage. The term 'method' has a nostalgic lab scent to it and automatically 'I' like 'all of us' refer to it as the 'science part'. So, for the science enthusiasts, and for the purpose of this review, see below.
1 > A can of Fosters - although you can use any sort of lager brand, the procedure is no different.
2 > A pint glass or tankard - again, a pint glass isn't necessary but to add authenticity of a public house experience, I find the mandatory pint glass suits the purpose and it adds to the flavour. Not because I'll be adding extra ingredients but because your brain will tell you it tastes better in a proper pint / tankard drinking vessel.
Now we have the ingredients, here is the method I've adopted over the years for the best results. Firstly, firmly tap the top of the can of Fosters three times, you could do it four of five times, if you're too amorous with the can tapping, spillage could occur later on, and we don't want that. Secondly, pull at the ring at the top of the can until you hear a sudden burst of gas, or if you are opening a can of beer, listen for the sound of some-one going 'pssssssttttt!' at you from eight metres or so. Having got a can of Fosters you'll likely to have more gas than necessary, but for the 'method' and 'review' purposes, I've opted for gas orientated drama. 'Ohh, exciting', I hear you 'gass..p!' - Clip back the ring. Tilt the pint glass at a 18 - 22 degree angle, there is no need to get your spouse to get the angle tool out for this operation, most lager brands don't hold it against you, but it will if no glass tilt is made. Once you're satisfied with the pint glass angle of 18 - 22 degrees, pour the contents of the can of Fosters about an inch from the top of the pint glass / tankard; so it trickles down the inside of the glass at a steady velocity. This manoeuvre shouldn't take any longer than thirty seconds - continue until the tin can is empty of its contents - slow down if necessary if you're forming too much froth. If this has occurred, you've either not tilted the glass appropriately or you've poured in the lager too quickly in your haste to drink it. Hopefully, you will have a lovely ochre or deep yellow colour in your pint glass with a little white frothy head resting on the lip of the pint glass / tankard. Don't worry if the colour is different to mine, it usually depends on the brand of lager, or the environment you are in. Once consumed, repeat the same method.
As a rule, I have about four and then I find my accuracy tends to suffer somewhat when it comes to the pouring, and after six I tend to have a problem in balance and seeing straight - by that time I don't care if I have a four inch deep frothy head.
It tastes like a pint of Fosters which is great if you like Fosters or lager, which I do. I paid 4.79 GBP for a can of four; Fosters is available in most supermarkets, except when it isn't. A pint glass can be purchased in supermarkets, British Home Stores, and other peoples' houses. Smuggling the glass out of a public house is the cheapest option. Because the pint glass originated from a pub the lager / beer from it tastes a little bit better, regardless of the brand of lager / beer.
Well without sounding like your elders, drinking to excess is not a healthy practice - ask your liver for a second opinion. Instead of a 568 ml can of Fosters, the same process can be applied for a can of Carlsburg, or an insipidly tasting can of Carling - there are alternatives. During my carefree days of asking my liver to work overtime at a liver-able wage, I used the pint glass as a drinking vessel for a robust Jacob's Creek - an alternative not to be repeated, I will add. Although it could be forgiven if you've accidentally married a nutritionist or one of those 'Slim-fast' franchisers who spend hours looking like David Dickinson and with a gob the size of a letterbox painted gold to corporately relate to their overall hue. For teetotalers, pour in a dash of cordial into the pint glass and dilute with cold water from the water mains. Again, measure strength by the amount of cordial you initially add - perhaps put in a couple of ice cubes to make the drink cold / refreshing. Personally, I like it with one solitude ice cube - I'm a big one in regards to saving water.
'Tip' to make the water freeze quicker, use boiled water; for some peculiar reason boiled water freezes quicker than water from the cold tap - this fact makes no sense at all, it has baffled (allegedly) world class scientists for years. I wonder who the donut was who originally put hot water in the freezer in the first place.
The scientists among you will marvel at the term 'conclusion' - it gives the impression I've completed the procedure, and I have many times, for more years than I care to remember. Yes, remembering. One of the down-points of pouring a perfect lager drink and they say that practice makes perfect too, well the so-called donuts that came up with this term obviously didn't do their homework. In real-terms you get worse at pouring Fosters into a pint glass, regardless the number of times you do it, there is always a head. I've never encountered perfection and it is a sobering thought. Nevertheless, I'm no quitter. Naturally, I do realise that by the time I may've perfected the act of Foster lager pouring, my liver who is on a liver-able wage at present could be a part-time worker due to the demands that comes with providing a perfect pour. Also, as time flows on, my hand, eye co-ordination will deteriorate, as well as having shaky hands - therefore I conclude the prospects of perfecting this process in later life greatly diminishes - remembering it is another story.
Feel free to print off my drink recipe. Drink safely, so you can remember the process for next time.
Summary: A Guide to Fostering!