I need my Celebrity Big Brother 'Fix' guys... (General Comment)

Member Name: thedevilinme

Product:	General Comment
Date:	31/01/09 (224 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Banal but clever TV

Disadvantages: Clever but banal TV

*Waver*

This is a review for Celebrity Big Brother 2009. I had written it out in full in expectation dooyoo would add a new category for CBB 2009, as they do normally with each years normal Big Brother. We have BB 2001-2008 here. But dooyoo won't add it and as I had already reviewed the 2007 CBB and filled the slot I was stuffed so I'm going to put this in this slot because the category is suitably ambiguous and I will leave it up to you guys whether it should be deleted. It's not a case of being lazy and dumping it anywhere....

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So, after all the furor over Celebrity Big Brother 2007 and those alleged racist comments, the series was given a second chance this month with the usual mix of so-called 'celebrities' crammed into an increasingly smelly house. The big attraction to this show is the way celebs are in their on their own and slowly deconstructed down to you and me, what they always were before, not having make-up ladies and PR people fussing around them to maintain the façade.
What doesn't seem to have changed much in the format this year is the phone voting controversy, surprising really if you think about the damage it has done to these shows, Ulrika Johnson the bizarre winner this year. The crowds unified shout of 'fix' on the final night of the run as she came out seemed to also be the death knell for what was one Big Brother very boring run too many. I was a fan in the old days but unless they shift the celebrity one to summer and ump the regular one I can't see Channel getting past Big brother 10 in 2010. Watching Dead Set, the glorious spoof TV movie about a zombie invasion of the Big brother House, it was almost if the producers of the show were crying out for C 4 to do just that and dump this millstone around the channels neck. If they just had the bottle to dump it, some 10% of the channels budget, they could get back to what they do well and make some proper edgy TV once again.


In 2007 I always felt Jade Goody was seriously set up and her remarks weren't racist but just the language of the underclass and so exactly why she was put in the house in the first place. The executives of the show and many others would have had far more racist conversations at boozy dinner parties. I have heard hardcore racism to Indian people before and that wasn't it. And as Jade is half black then do the comments even count? Would BB have kicked out a black person for making the poppodoms comments? Prince Harry seems to have got away with it scott-free without being put through the mill. But as we know with CBB all publicity is good publicity, which often makes it so enthralling and unpredictable. These celebs are on the way down fast and they need coverage, whatever it takes. When they are in the house they are no longer their outside persona we know them for but behave just like us in the house and so we are afforded this wonderful luxury to slag them off for it. That's what we like most about it the show, whether we will admit that or not. When Jade made those comments we could slag her off, but then we quickly realized we may have done the same once, but allowed to be hypocrites on television rules. When you see Jade balding on the front of Clueless Magazine, riddled with cancer, that girl is quite literally being destroyed by her celebrity she was never meant to have, a vanity cancer if you like she never should have been exposed to, a monkey in a vivisectionist lab.

This year's contestants
-The Contestants-

Michelle Heaton
Verne Troyer
Coolio
Latoya Jackson
Ben Adams
Terry Christian
Ulrika Johnson
Tina Malone
Lucy Pinder
Tommy Sheridan
Mutya Buena
Michelle Heaton

That black man of the house this month, of course, isn't Barak Obama in the Whitehouse but Coolio in the Big Brother House, every inch the politician, skillfully getting all the girls to bitch against each other early and so to get them to evict each other, just as the current US President did to Hillary Clinton, both men adapt at it. That's why boys rule the world! Ulrika Johnson was debatably the most well know from the mix of Yanks and Brits put through it in the house, leaving her seven month old baby at home for her fourth husband (at time the time of writing) to look after, or at least the Swedish nanny was. The still begrudgingly angelic and attractive Ulrika at 41 was allegedly the highest paid celebrity in the class of 2009, Ben Adams, a 'drummer' from a boy band, is the monkey in the pack and so paid with peanuts. In fact the Yanks looked even more baffled on whom exactly these 'Limeys' might be than we were when they first went in on January 2nd.. Latoya Jackson was the biggest US star in this years show, although one hit wonder Coolio would disagree with that - and he frequently did. Whisper it quietly but Coolio used to part own a nail parlor before he had his one hit wonder, 'Gangsters Paradise'. The nearest he's been to South Central is to shoot a video. Coolio was very loud and American in the house.

Quote...

Girl band nobody: "Is the 'Compton's' rich?
Ulrika:" No, that's the Hampton's".

As I say it's the usual mix of C-Z List on their way out, picking up a token fee to be humiliated for most of January, a long way off from the shows original mantra of charity and Comic Relief. Page three girl Lucy Pinder announced proudly on the show she was the highest paid topless model in 2008, whilst the boys of Britain knew it was the gorgeous Keeley Hazel who's the 'top titty' now, why Lucy was fully clothed and in the BB House with loads of people who know her from The Sun or want to be in it. It's either this or panto and 'Dick' Whittington for Lucy, the name of the film she will soon be making if things don't improve. Alas, as soon as she started spouting her Tory politics in the house she quickly annoying left wingers Tommy Sheridan and Terry Christian, earning their right hand vote of another kind.

Verne Troyer, the two foot six midget from the Austin powers movies, was a surprisingly likable chap and early clear favorite, plodding and patted around the house like one of those toy dogs you get under the arms of homosexuals. Coolio, as expected, is an egotistical maniac, quickly pi**ing people off and talking about sex to hang on to some sort of macho street cred status in the group. Presumably he thought he would be gunned own by someone if he didn't behave like the complete d**k he is, playing at 'gangsta'. Tina Malone, who plays mostly mouthy 'chav' characters on TV, was the house ruffian, already being openly compared to the ugly princess off Shrek when she dressed up in the house for a challenge, a deliciously cruel moment and why we watch this.

-Eviction-

The first evection decision fell to Manc motor-mouth Terry Christian, the real life Rick from the Young Ones, and the first Big Brother 'Head of the House' for this series, afforded his own luxuries and room in the house for the privilege. He had the egalitarian option to back up his socialist 'cred' and give up his duties and luxuries to save the evicted and make that moral stance, or decide to keep his luxuries and do the exact opposite - he did the exact opposite, keeping the perks. Ulrika, as expected, was the first nominated by our Terry whilst the second was decided by a 'celebrity showcase', the housemates having to perform in front of their piers the skill what they are most known for and, of course, to make them look a tit. The worse performer judged by comrade Christian would be up for the vote with Ulrika.Yes, Coolio had to learn to sing! Ulrika was made to do the weather, but made sure her American housemates knew she had done' other things' since 1988 and this wasn't her main talent. She did not demonstrate how to sleep with lots of celebrities to make money from kiss n tells - that main talent. Sadly Lucy didn't get her boobs out for her turn. The genius of the show is the bits like this where the celebs are made to address their distinct lack of talent that has got them into the BB House in the first place. Latoya sang a Michael Jackson song and could well be Michael with the amount of make up she wears whilst, to be fair, the girl and boy band singers didn't panic when they realized the microphone was plugged in and did ok. Terry voted Tory totty Lucy to face the vote. He wouldn't have in the proposed summer Celebrity Big Brother.LOL.

-The first shopping task-

The group had one big ongoing task and some little ones swimming around it, of which only one group passed. Coolio and Latoya were made to a dance routine whilst Ulrika and Verne did a cute duet. But the funniest by far was the main task, the housemates dressed as paparazzi and having to photograph the celebrities that were lifted up from behind the wall on one of those cherry picker cranes. The brilliance of this was neither knew who neither were. Nikki,' who is sheeeee...', from Big Brother Six appeared in the night but left only blank faces on the housemates as her smile turned to disappointment, Nikki looking somewhat perturbed that none of the celebrities knew who she was in the house the very house had made her, moments like this the sardonic essence of Celebrity Big Brother. Poor old Michael Barrymore popped up and no one even saw him as he waved frantically, before sinking down behind the wall. That moment kind of sums up his career since CBB, left to stare blankly and cruelly at an empty swimming pool. The group comfortable failed the task and so left with a minimum food budget.

-The First Eviction-

It was saggy tits versus perfect tits for the first eviction, the nations dislike for Ulrika sure to tell here, unless, of course, the phones were rigged. It seemed to be the case as Tory girl Pinder was booted out, although if this had been the summer then her bikini antics would have saved her against Ulrika's two liter coke bottles. With the top totty up for eviction early on you know it's a bitchy gay and older female audience voting. Females have been the first eviction in both Big Brother formats some 80% of the time over the years.

Week 2 Eviction

The girls were all up for their rule breaks, even though Coolio wasn't sanctioned for his use of the 'N' word and all round general racism to engineer that situation, the editing floor full of the real show. Only white working-class Brit can be classed as racist in this country. Loud mouth Tina Malone was second to go, beaten by youth and looks as the three younger girls survived the vote. But it was all too much for Mutyah and she walked on the same night, clearly a booking elsewhere that paid more, and looking increasingly rough without her stylist, one less person to evict on the following Monday night when the next was due. The highlight of Friday nights eviction show was Verne getting drunk the night before, driving his mobility scooter into the diary door with deliberate mischief and an almighty bang! He is booked to play a nightclub in my hometown of Northampton next week, the big events piling up!

Michelle was Monday night's surprise eviction, looking every inch the Geordie Angelina Jolie in her sweeping white Cleopatra dress. She made it quite clear Coolie was committing what Americans label sexual assault in their country in the house. The men had now got rid of three girls in a row, and made it four on Wednesday night with the child like Latoyah, the girls always going to bitch and vote for each other and so shoot themselves in the foot.
Barak Obamas rather staid speech and inauguration were played live into the house, and like every person of colour around the world, Coolio was quite rightfully emotional, a rare moment of pathos in a very vacuous house. Tommy was the final eviction of the night, saving the embarrassment of all five girls going first. Tommy is back in court this week for perjury.

The final five:

Verne
Coolio
Terry
Ulrika
Ben

Bo now the viewing figures were about the same number as the people outside the house for the Friday night final. Fifth spot went to nice guy Ben Adams, surprisingly middle-class for a boy band star. But you knew the fix was in when Verne was next to go, earning the biggest applause for such a little dude. Getting drunk kissing a plastic baby and making porn film noises the night before seemed to be his downfall with the public. Did Ulrika's record 175k fee have a win clause written into it? Coolie was third to go, this time the black reality TV vote not quite enough to crown the new king. Ulrika was increasingly looking guilty as a priest in the boy's showers as the others were booted off.

-The conclusion-

It was very boring this year, the white contestants clearly on best behavior, allowing the black ones not to be. Boisterous Afro American Coolie bullied the girls but as expected suffered no sanction. Michelle Heaton of Liberty X cried a lot (no they didn't make her listen to her own records) because of that teasing and seemed to get rather too close to the boy band drummer for support, what was behind Coolio`s teasing, but feeling guilty because her boyfriend is watching. Someone needed to tell her the boyfriend is probably watching Top Gear. The good news for Michelle is the Daily Star has announced that she scored with Verne, bedding the 2ft, 8 inch star after a nights clubbing, although Verne would probably tumble in with shouts for 'help' with and echo if he got too close. LOL.

The best solution to this dross would be to pop a zombie into the Diary Room to bite them all and put them out of their misery. Again, I really do think they should dump the member of the public show and move this to the summer. I can't think of anything more likely to deflate Ulrika's ego than having to wear a bikini in public at 41.
-Links-

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

Summary: Call it a day