ROY WHITING IN TESTICULAR DISAPPEARANCE MYSTERY! (My Perfect Christmas)

Member Name: karenuk

Product:	My Perfect Christmas
Date:	20/12/01 (104 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: would be nice, would be VERY nice, <big sigh>

Disadvantages: Not bl**dy likely!!

Well, not long to go now. My kids are doing the big countdown. Just five sleeps to go, apparently!

So, what would be my perfect Christmas?

Well, as a mum of four children aged 11, 9, 8 and 5 years old, my first requirement would be a bit of a lie-in. It seems to be compulsory for Christmas Day to start at around 4am and although I get as excited as the kids do, being an old lady of 32(!), I quite fancy a later start – maybe 7am, even 8am. So that would be nice.

Having the first cuppa of the day before the Big Present Opening Ceremony would be great. I NEED that cup of tea, it wakes me up, soothes my dry throat and prepares me for the day ahead. It also stops me being grumpy, so is surely a good idea all round. So I guess another wish would be for my other half to jump out of bed, rush downstairs and make me a cuppa. He could bring it to me with a box of chocolates and a couple of beanie babies too.

By this time, I would have turned on the computer and be getting in my emails, but I wouldn’t want to spend much time online, just a quick peek to see if anyone’s sent anything worth looking at.

Then at some late, late hour – maybe half past eight? – the kids would rush in, bringing their little stockings that we – erm, Santa <grin> - put on the end of their beds at some ungodly hour.

It is a ritual that they all open their little stockings in our bedroom, so all six of us (and the dog!) pile on the bed and start unwrapping the goodies. These presents are the smaller ones – chocolates, sweets, some books, hair bands, etc. But I hope they all love everything, to make all the effort and expense worthwhile!

Next, my partner and I open our presents in the bedroom. My perfect Christmas would be him getting a DVD player, because I’m fed up of his whining about wanting one! Sometimes he’s worse than the kids!! As I can’t afford one, if it turns up in hi
s sack, I promise to believe in Santa, elves, goblins and little fairies forever.

My presents – erm, what do I want? Beanies babies really. I’d love some videos of 1970s British sitcoms and kids’ programmes from that decade. Any Bagpuss and Clangers toys would be great too.

I’d like the new Hear’say album, but otherwise I think I’ve got almost all the CDs I want for now. I could do with some books though, especially the new Diana Gabaldon one. A signed photo of one of my favourite stars would be really good as well.

So, after all that, we go downstairs and the kids are supposed to have breakfast before opening the presents in their big Santa sacks. So my perfect day would see them munching their cereal quietly, happily and slowly. Oh well, worth a try…

Then they would go in to the lounge and find that they each have exactly the same amount of presents each (one of them is BOUND to check!!) and that everyone has exactly the same size sack.

Unfortunately, our five-year-old has three big sacks full, as she’s getting large pressies like a Barbie horse and a Bob the Builder playset. Our eleven year old is getting things like CDs, Playstation games and make-up, which fits into about half a sack, but costs just as much!! Wouldn’t it be nice if the size of the present corresponded to the price we paid??

Anyway, they would open all their presents calmly but joyfully, lovingly caressing each one. The air would be punctuated by a series of stock phrases such as “How did you know I really wanted this?” and “That’s brilliant, I’ve been longing for this for years!”

No-one would argue, criticise, sulk, cry, moan, whinge or grumble.

Any price tags left on the toys would become instantly invisible.

All toys would have batteries taped to the boxes if they need them.

Every toy would be ready made up, com
plete with irritating stickers, all ready for the impatient child to play with.

All hard-to-shift tags, staples and moulded plastic would fly off at the merest touch.

And each child would systematically put the discarded wrapping paper into the big green big bags, as supplied.

This would take us up to nine, maybe 10am. So I then require another cup of tea (or three) and something good on the telly, while the kids play happily with their new presents.

Nothing will break, not live up to expectations or be officially declared a Waste Of Money.

The kids will adore their own presents, but not covet their siblings’.

I will get chance to relax and enjoy the morning, without having to form my own peacekeeping force to do so.

Then Christmas dinner will be prepared by me and my other half, without moaning, grumbling or fighting over how small the veggies should be chopped up. It will all be ready on time, served up beautifully and everyone will love it, clearing their plates and asking for seconds.

After dinner, we will sit down and relax again, while I marvel on the fact that this perfect Christmas has meant that everyone has woken up in very good health. This will extend throughout my whole family – to my Mum (who had breast cancer in 1998), to my Nanna (who will be 95 on January 3rd), to my Mum-in-law (who was hospitalised with pneumonia this year) and everyone else I love and care about.

Two of my kids had stomach bugs in the past week, one’s off school today with a sore throat and I’m full of cold, which has aggravated my asthma. But on Christmas Day, we will all feel wonderful!

(I would also like to wish that my friend, Louise wakes up pain-free and able to walk again and that Laura’s baby, Deyon is perfectly healthy. Linda and Noel, you deserve a medal!!)

After this period of relaxation, we will go round my in-laws’ house for the af
ternoon. We will eat, drink and be in good spirits. I will not drink Baileys in half-pint mugs, until my toes tingle and my boobs fall out of my top.

My other half will not eat loads of meat, then expect to snog me! (I’ve been a vegetarian for 15 years!) In fact, as it’s my perfect Christmas, he declares he loves those cute cows and sheep and piggy-wiggies, has suddenly found meat repulsive and vows to be vegetarian forever from this day forwards. Oh well, one can but dream…

The TV will be excellent – no tedious panto featuring D-list celebs (but we have to watch it, because Hear’say are on), lots of Pop Idol (William to win!!) and Holby City, a few hours of gymnastics and some films to keep the kids happy. Oh and no deaths in the soaps, please.

After that, we’d go home, our tummies filled with delicious food, our arms filled with just the presents we had dreamed of getting.

The kids would volunteer to go to bed on time, kissing us goodnight and falling straight to sleep, as soon as their heads hit the pillow.

I would then turn on the TV to watch the News, to find the headlines were :-
 peace in the Middle East,
 Bin Laden had given himself up,
 all terrorists had surrendered their weapons and vowed to start peace talks,
 George Bush Jnr. had lost his accent and improved his vocabulary,
 Jamie Oliver had retired from TV and told Sainsbury’s to withdraw his TV ads,
 Roy Whiting had woken up on Christmas morning to find his genitals had disappeared overnight…. Oh and he was in rather a lot of discomfort…

*** HERE’S WISHING YOU ALL A PERFECT CHRISTMAS! ***

Love from,
KarenUK xxx

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