A - The Arab Spring turned into the Arab winter. They were given the chance of democracy and to move away from western backed dictators, only to vote in oppressive Islamic dictator, blaming America for fixing the poll as usual. They are as crazy and indecisive as women.
B - Barak Obama won again, and on a racist vote the commentators didn't really want to expand on, some 90% of black and 78% of all other ethnic voters clinching tight states for the black president, ironic indeed. If the Republicans CAN find a credible Latino candidate then they will walk The Whitehouse in 2016. The country has never been so divided on the skin color vote. America has doubled its debt in just ten years to pay for its welfare programs and free healthcare for poor Black Americans from white middle-class tax payers was just too much for the gun tooting Republicans.
C - The cruise ship Costa Concordia ran aground in Italy, the drunken captain trying to impress his young girlfriend; killing three people with a fly pass after some nose candy, resulting in surreal photos of a superliner on its side with all the lights still on, warning other passing ships there were rather a lot of rocks there. James Cameron couldn't have done it better.
D - Drugs in football are more prevalent than we ever believed. A survey by 4-4-2 magazine discovered that 50% of players polled anonymously, admittedly from a small control group, knew of soft and some hard drug taking in the game, all very odd as the games own testing procedures produce barely five positives a year from over 900 pro's? It's very likely that when players miss a few games through a 'tight hamstring' they are really serving silent drug bans so not to damage the brand. One in ten players also said they knew of match fixing incidents.
E - Entertainment and digital music and film rose 12% but high street music and video game sales tumbled, signaling the end of HMVs long battle of survival with digital music and counterfeits for me. They are £65 million in debt and no sign on any buyers. Comet fell victim to a greedy venture capitalist, who bought into the stores but not the chain, meaning there estimated £30 million investment would see a decent return just by selling off the current £40million of stock they had, if they backed off costly investment to improve and so secure the chain, which they did, meaning suppliers could no longer get insurance to supply Comet. Idiot bargain hunters moaned that the reductions weren't big enough, regardless of the fact 7,000 people were about to lose their jobs. I fear the same for HMV next month when the rent is due.
F - Football and Aguero and Drogba score two massive goals to win the Premiership and Champions League respectively. As a United fan both hurt but you still want someone else to win something as the prizes become worthless without a challenge. I have a few quid on Man City doing it again. At the time of writing this Rafael Benetiz was still Chelsea manager and Balotelli completely bonkers.
G - Guns and a record year of murder suicides in America. All ages, races and sexes were targeted by young men, from the horrendous Sandy Hook shooting (a double Dunblane), another kid with depression having access to firearms, to the multiplex in Denver for the Batman Premier. They shoot kids for one reason only. To be infamous, making sure they break the previous record before they kill themselves. These are serial killer attributes in teenagers, perhaps unique to America. Idiot gun lobby Americans refuse to stop buying guns, so crazy people can still get them, sales increasing after the shootings and so shootings increasing. Do they not see this connection? But we all know what white Americans really want guns for. They are terrified of the black and Latino ghettos - where most of the legal guns end up, of course. Super Storm Sandy was the angry omen the month before. Did the kid target the school so Google searches for storm Sandy also bought up his evilness?
H - Hillsboro remains an open wound in Liverpool where the fans have always refused to accept any blame for the disaster that claimed 96 young lives, even though Heysel was just three years before, Liverpool fans, like any other back then, heavily involved in the hooligan culture, why police became so heavy handed at games then to eventually head us in like cattle. But shocking revelations made public revealed just how cynical the police and establishment cover up was to save top cops jobs and one can presume this was - and is - the sort of thing that happens for all big police f**k ups. No one has been sacked over the killing of the young Brazilian guy in London yet, seemingly shot because 'he looked like a Pakistani'. Is there anyone left to trust we wonder as the people at the top behave just like us!
I - Investigations revealed a scary development at the Job Centre, where advisors were being pushed to force claimants to sign off through intimidation or onto sanctions to save the government money, suicide cases rising fast in unemployed people. In some cases vulnerable people were being tricked into earning those sanctions, so says a whistle blower, the first sanction they receive now 13 weeks, effectively a £1000 fine. The report pointed out that new compulsory Universal Job Match website appeared deliberately confusing to open an account for claimants and if you didn't you were threatened with sanctions. Once claimants were signed on for six months and so termed long term unemployed the thumb screws came out as Job Centre's were under huge pressure to bring down unemployment figures and make it look like Cameroon's austerity policies were working. The easiest way to do that for a Job Centre manager was to simply force claimants off the dole or onto the 13 week sanction, much like the US system. We may enjoy berating the unemployed but one-in-three of you will sign on at one point in your life as work moves to South East Asia. I have before and it's a horrible and degrading experience.
J - Seedy pedo Jimmy Savile terrified celebrity rest homes and ex DJs all around the country as all manner of attention seekers and compo chasers came out of the woodwork with claims of sexual harassment and abuse from those wandering hands to top up the heinous Savile crimes. Top of the Pop reruns are so blurred out on BBC4 now that it's like watching dodgy Japanese porn!
A rather Sad Paul Daniels became the first star of that seedy era to actually use the story to get publicity and confessed to groping 'possible' underage girls when he was in his 30s, clearly an ego fib as no one has come forward to confirm such an embarrassment. Paul claims the young girls threw themselves at all the big stars back then, including him. A 5ft, 4 magician is hardly big mate! Was that young hitchhiker he claimed to have kissed a young Debbie McGhee we wonder? You dirty old man, as Harold Steptoe would say.
K - Kevin Pietersen clearly used his clout to want to play in the IPL by usurping Captain Strauss, and Andy Flower also being edged out by the arrival of new coach Ashley Giles for me. If you don't get on with the marquee player you have to go in cricket, it seems, Alistair Cooks role in this more sinister than it looked. He has no beef with KP and with Strauss gone he got the job and KP got his cushy central contract that allows him to playa bigger chunk of the IPL. How the other English IPL able test players feel about this will be interesting as they are generally not purchased by the IPL as the ECB tends not to want to release them.
L - Legends withered away in the game of cricket, Sachin Tendulker tired and hanging on, Christopher Martin - Jenkins and Tony Greig passing in the New Year, the mysterious death of young Maynard less expected. Greig and Jenkins were battling cancer and one admired more than the other in the game. I wasn't a fan of either and always thought CMJs boring non offensive style of writing and commentating very establishment, one of the last of the crop of post war Oxbridge alumni allowed to wave that badge to get the best jobs in the media. But he was classy and expressed the games original integrity and that makes you want to like cricket.
M - Murray Mint and Andy finally won that slam. Once you have your first more will follow, odds on to win next weeks Australian Open for me. I looked at both Murray and Mo Farah at 16-17 years-old and knew back then they were the real deal and a gold medal each one day. Winners are winners!
N - New York actually flooded when the biggest hurricane on record this far north swept into downtown Manhattan. The subway flooded and the water three foot deep right up to Broadway, producing some startling images. The hurricane was cleverly classed as a super storm just before it hit the coast so the residents could claim more than they would on their insurance if it was an Atlantic Hurricane, winning Obama a few more votes than normal from a devastated Eastern Seaboard. Although 95% of the climate was normal last year it's always the extreme events picked on to prove global warming, as indeed they did here.
0 - Olympics! And they lived up to the hype with 65 medals in the elite games and double that in the Paralympics. The ticketing model made sure only white middle-class people and rich Asian tourists could afford to see the events but thankfully multicultural Britain represented the winners in glorious color and pride. Yes team GB only won big in sports were they sat down in kit better than the oppositions who couldn't afford the tech but I loved it all the same. Swimming and athletics, where most nations can compete on a level playing field (drugs aside), exposed that technical bias as team GB tanked badly on athletic ability alone in the pool and on the track.
P - Prince Harry continues to be a genuine royal and not hiding his playboy lifestyle. He got naked in Vegas with his close protection team, as one should, and bagged Cheryl Cole's phone number. He did something else in that hotel room but you are not allowed to know about it.
Q - The poor old Queen and Prince Phillip had to stand out in the rain for seven hours during the Diamond Jubilee, a sort of Glastonbury for pensioners, watching the most boring river boat pageant imaginable, Dunkirk veterans even getting drowsy. But what a trooper she is and how funny was the James Bond Olympic spoof! The Queen and rusting nuclear deterrent are the only things that make this country relevant to the rest of the world now.
R - The royals and Kate married William just before the bald patch destroyed his looks international prince charming thing and now they both don't have to work anymore, Kate's life ambition. Her severe morning sickness was the final straw for a manic depressive nurse and the lost chance for the royals to 'control' the pregnancy now we know about it. Did any of Diana's kids actually look like her?? Severe morning sickness can be the sign of a coming multiple pregnancy, twins or triplets for 'the firm', fabulous for business.
S - Spaceman Felix Baumhautzer was the bravest and maddest man of the year, jumping out of a balloon at 124,000 ft, four times higher than commercial airliners fly. It looked grim as he spun out of control but got pulled it back and landed like a feather. Incredible! He then beat up a motorist a week later in frustration as he head backs into obscurity at similar speeds.
T - Tory roar hate of the poor is now bubbling through, a £40,000 tax cut for the rich but obese and disabled people to have their benefits cut to pay for it. They teach you that at Eton you know.
U - Usain Bolt burned up the track again and then announced his intentions to sign for Manchester United. Sir Alex Ferguson decided to pass and signed Robin Van Persie instead, RVP keeping United in the title race and cups single handedly. Bolt then moved his attention to cricket, demanding the right to play in their domestic Twenty20 competition, bowling three Aussie test players out with some pretty sharp deliveries in a friendly match. You have to love this guy and prey he doesn't test positive. If he did I suspect we wouldn't hear about it.
V - Vettel won a thrilling F1 season that saw the first six races have six different winners. But Redbull found a mystery bit for their car and stormed back in the second half of the season to clinch the tile in the final race in Brazil; Vettels spin early on where he faced oncoming Brazilian traffic summing up the crazy season. Lewis Hamilton, on the other hand, revealed his true colors were not the silver of McLaren but of Mercedes, the old champion de-seating an even older champion there, Michael Schumacher. Hamilton's contract was seeing too much of his sponsorship cash going to the team and also alienated his dad from his talented son.
W - Bradley Wiggins single handedly saved the Tour de France by winning clean, or so we hope, hamming up his working class hero thing as his particular shield. Seven of the last ten winners were proved not to be clean at some point in their careers, including the now not so great Lance Armstrong, like Jimmy Saville, hiding behind good will and charity to carry out his abuse seemingly guilt free. Statistically, Wiggins should test positive one day in a sport laced with drugs, claiming to be cleaner now purely because of less positives in recent years. But we know with Armstrong, the cycling authorities were simply not revealing those positives to stop him.
X - The X Factor reached a new low with Ryland, a ridiculously talentless pleb (who looks and sounds like a gay Louis 'Celebrity Come Dancing' Smith), only allowed to proceed on the show to save the ratings. Ryland is now in Celebrity Big Brother amongst the celebrity elite of Neil Ruddock and fat bird from Steps.
Y - A year of good old British weather earned the record of the wettest year on record in England. Pro global warming zealots were chipper in the spring when they declared a rare early English drought but went quiet thereafter as April mocked them by being the wettest on record, those four weeks alone wiping out a lost nine months of rain. The world has continued to cool since the hottest recorded year ever in 1998. After having a soggy year to compose themselves they announced that the warmer it is the wetter it should be, according to their climate change rules and it's all the fault of the Jet Stream for not playing fair, a constant raging high altitude wind that can easily push high pressures north or south of the British Isles to bring rain or shine. I say the more cloud and rain the colder it is, as it proved, England a whole degree cooler than it was in 2011. Global warming hype is all about raising taxes from you and me, replacing the tax the rich refuse to pay.
Z - Messi is king, Ronaldo the great pretender, but what about Columbian Radamel Falcao García, known as Falcao, potentially the best player in the world to anyone following the European leagues. He is a sectional striker with the finishing skills of Villa, the dribbles of Messi and the devastating pace of Ronaldo. He is also getting goals at Athletico Madrid, a lesser team to their loaded capital neighbors and Barcelona, the softish Spanish league always victims of the top two for goals.
He scored 17 goals in a single Champions League/Europa Cup campaign and won consecutive European titles in two different teams and top goal scoring in each of those teams, a first in Europe and an apprenticeship in the second tear of European football well and truly done. He was the first player to score a hatrick in the Super Cup Final, battering Chelsea last year 6-0, potential buyers of this extreme talent. He also became one of the very few players to bang in five goals in a La Liga match. He has scored 100 goals in 83 games for Porto and Athletico Madrid and 34 in 90 in Argentina for Rive Plate. He is just 25 and has scored 192 goals in 300 appearances in total. His goal scoring ratio is comparable if not higher than both Messi and Ronaldo right now in Europe. Whoever buys him in the Premiership wins the league for me next season.
Haven't these England hooligans seen Bridge On The River Kwai? Two days to go before we play Sweden and already the chaps are making a nuisance of themselves. Ten well-known English hooligans have been booted out of Japan and South Korea and a tout had his sheepskin collar felt at Narita airport after arriving with a briefcase full of black market tickets. So desperate are some nutters to make it to the World Cup that they have been taking flights from other European cities to avoid security checks at Heathrow. It's a hell of a long way to travel to get bamboo shoots shoved under your fingernails. And there's no doubt the Japanese mean business. They don't go in for counselling in the Land of the Rising Sun. The Macpherson report hasn't reached Sapporo police headquarters. Yet English spivs are openly touting tickets on the streets and assorted headcases are gearing up for a spot of the old ultra-violence. Thousands of fans have ignored warnings about not travelling without tickets. If they fall foul of the law in the Far East they can forget about legal aid. Under Japanese law, hooligans can be held in detention for 27 days without charge. The Japanese plan to house arrested English football fans on a floating prison, run by the people who brought you Changi. A high-speed ferry has been adapted specially for the purpose. Hooligans will be locked in cabins and held in the hold before being transferred to a detention centre. We are not talking Kate O'Mara's Triangle here. You can forget about duty free. This is not the Good Ship Rorripop. For the past six months the news bulletins have been treating us to the Japanese and Korean dress rehearsals. The firepower and manpower on standby would be enough to repel a full-scale Allied invasion, let alone half a dozen Chelsea Headhunters and the provisional wi
ng of the InterCity Firm. But still it seems there are English fans hell-bent on a ruck. And when it does all go off, they'll complain it was all down to police brutality. The World Cup hasn't even started yet, but the self-justifying whining is already being heard. The Football Supporters' Association have condemned the security measures as "over-zealous" and warned that heavy-handed policing could provoke violence. How many times have we heard that before? If England's law-abiding supporters get caught up in a full-scale battle it will not be the fault of the police but of the English lunatics who have travelled out there with the specific purpose of starting trouble. And if it does go off the Japanese riot squad will not be fussy about whose head gets cracked and who gets a one-way ticket to the Burma Railway maintenance gang. We all hope that the World Cup passes off without incident but we fear the worst. What baffles me is why anyone would spend a small fortune travelling halfway round the world with the sole intention of getting into a punch-up with the riot police of the nation which considers Endurance to be family viewing. How many other countries feature torture, trial by fire and force-feeding worms to contestants as a little light entertainment? I think we can take it as read that conditions in the average Japanese jail fall a long way short of Ford Open. The way things are shaping up, we should forget about The Great Escape and start rehearsing Colonel Bogey. And if a few of the chaps still fancy their chances, may I offer them just four words of advice. Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence.