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It would have been the perfect gift
Other Gifts for Parents
Member Name: Cammij
Other Gifts for Parents
Date: 19/11/01, updated on 19/11/01 (33 review reads)
Advantages: Unique, delicious, fun
It is like the fish that got away, the proverbial tale of "Almost". But I Shudda known better in the first place.
When I was a small boy there was a custodian at our school named Willie Mays. I noticed whenever anything in our room needed fixed and the teacher sent me to find Willie that there were a whole lot of empty "Kesslers" bottles all over in the cavernous retreat he lurked in. One Day I offered him one of my grandfather's bottles of Kesslers if he would autograph a number of items for me as Willie Mays, the Say hey kid, was a famous American Style Cricket player. He gladly obliged. He wrote some very charming things on my ball like, "Come back here soon so we can play catch again".I should have learned something from this.
Fast forward fifteen years. We were living out on the East Coast and I was making good money in a little Off Broadway show that you may have heard of. My mom's birthday was coming up and I had forgotten her birthday the prior year so I really wanted to do something special. I happened across an Ad for one of the prominent celebrity chefs to come make you breakfast at your house. The price seemed very reasonable, and really I did not know what should have been charged for that sort of thing. And truthfully I doubt Horst Hart's Pastery or Wolfgang Pucks Pizza could be worth what they get at their Shops but I am a barbarian with no appreciation of fine things.
I was so stupid. When the number I called to reach the guy was at a Salvation Army homeless shelter I wanted to believe so bad that the guy spent his days cooking for the bums on skidrow. So I really was not alarmed. I was actually happy about it, that the guy was giving something back to the community. I was put at ease when the guy actually spoke to me in German with a Tirolian accent.
How do I explain my Mom's surprise Breakfast? It was a surprise all right. Sadly enough we were mere social climbers and only feigned an actual knowledge of t
hings that old money people actually know. Truthfully we only knew this guys name from the newspaper and did not know him on sight.
He showed up in a filthy smock and smelt of vomit and aftershave. He chained smoked. He detected my mother's Teutonic accent and talked at length about elements of Germanic history, in a light that just wasn't polite amongst strangers. I bet you know what I mean.
He was very profane. He kicked our cat. He was very bad. And you know what he cooked? Them biscuits that you unroll and they make a "pop". That and fried egg sandwiches on Sourdough bread with Swiss cheese. Then he said he needed to get paid and then he called another guy over and they went out back a while then he came back in with all sorts of other stuff that had no rhyme or reason. He made rice pudding. Chicken stir fry, Fajitas, and some great Buttermilk Pancakes with some sort of Blueberry and Brandy sauce. He just kept on cooking and talking about Hitler and Hess and would not stop. My parents, sister and Owen just sat and watched him. They said the food was great but he made a horrible mess and kept breaking stuff. He went to the bathroom and it ruined the whole house and my mom had to make him wash his hands before cooking again. He had batter on the ceiling and burnt stuff in the oven and baked stuff into our gas burners. He cooked until he ran out of all his stuff and all our stuff, and my mom had just bought groceries the day before. They tried very tactfully to get him to leave but he would get mad and menace them with a knife. He finally got mad and left.
I tried some of the food when we got home and it was good but I noticed all the needles lying around by the back steps and pointed out to my parents that the guy had been using needle drugs all day. SO my mom, who was aware that this guys wife was also a celeb chef called their restaurant and tried to tell her "Since she should know in order to get him some help". The help told h
er that the guy and his wife were in Crete where they had been for the past week. After my moms long silence the guy added, "I bet you are calling about the celebrity Chef at home"
And my mom admitted she was and the guy casually noted that the guy was born with that name and a talent to cook and there was nothing they could do to stop him, that they even had gone as far as buy him one way tickets to Hawaii and Seattle. Then the bastard told us that it served us right to be stupid enough to believe he would come all the way out to Baltimore to cook all morning for $250. We decided he was right.
So A celebrity chef is a great idea, just check and make sure who you are really dealing with first.