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First of all if you havn't read Cammij's Op on this subject read it first with comments. You will need to read his version of the holidays first. So yes this was the first christmas that I abandoned my own family rituals to go with my girlfriend Southernbelle to Ohio to spend the holidays with her family, one of which is Cammij her brother. If you are already famillar with cammij then you can only imagine what was in store. After this holiday trip I will never doubt anything he writes. As far fetched as his stories may seem they are probably true! At the very moment we arrived at the airport in Toledo, Ohio it began to snow. Not a blinding bizzard but it was nice to see some flurries. Southernbelle's parents drove us to the Holiday Inn. I know what you are thinking, why were we staying at the Holiday Inn....well it was definitely a good idea...a peaceful sanctuary. Besides Southernbelle had evidently previously worked there as a teenager and she wanted to harass the staff. Leaving the parents behind we set out for food and spirits. The group was made up off myself, southernbelle, cammij, popeye ( the brother of cammij and southernbelle ) and rubbaleg, a close childhood friend of southernbelle and evidently long time infatuation of cammij. Arriving on a sunday night there wasnt much open in this tiny little town of Freemont Ohio so we ended up eating at local chineese resturant. I will not repeat the name here to avoid a libel suit. Actually the place seemed alright until the waitress brought out the tray of food and placed in a pile of dirty dishes as she could find no other place to set the tray down. As I looked around the table in amazement Cammij commented that this was no big deal as it is standard practice to actually take the uneaten rice off of the plates and recycle it. Evidently he and his brother used to work here sometime in the past. "half rice uneated put back in hopper" the repeated with laug hter. After I managed to choke down my food, it didnt taste bad I was just concerned about who may have eaten it prior to me. After our meal we began the tour of local pubs. Our first stop was the depot. A renovated train depot. After 10 minutes in this joint and I could see why every girl in town hated southernbelle. They were all about 50 lbs or more overwieght with hair styles from the mid 1980's and if that wasnt enought they were homely. AS you can imagine as soon as we walked in all heads turned...all the guys began to suck in their guts and act tough and the girls began to whisper mean things about us. It was rather amusing. As it was apparent that a fight was about to break out over Southernbelle we decided to leave. Our next stop was the rainbow room where I was prmomised we could actually watch a fight without being in it. Well it was a slow night at the rainbow room so we had one beer and left. We finally ended up where everyone in Freemont, Ohio eventually ends up on a night of drinking at the local gay bar called the Saloon. Or as they kept calling it the Gayloon. This was my first experince with a western themed gay bar. Well after the disappointing crowds at the other bars we decided to drink vast quantities in rapid succession so we lined up the shots. It was somewhere between the 4th and 8th shot that cammij began to transform before our eyes. Now dont get me wrong he was plenty enough vulgar for most of the evening but in a witty cute way. No, this was something different, this became downright slapstick funny, watching someone of superior intelligence become a total drunk. It began with the constant pleading to have us throw things at him as he kicked them out of the sky. You may not know this but cammij is also an accomplished martial artist and has won many world titles in his weight class....yes I saw the trophies. Anyway as no one seemed very interested in amusing him by throwing beer bottles at him he decided the only thing left to do was set his chest hairs on fire, which he proceeded to do in very short order. There was a big breif bright flash and then an aweful stench. We could see smoke coming from his beard as the flash had taken out more than he had anticipated. Now he was distruaght over the loss of some of his facial hair until he devised a scheme to shave his back hair and weave it into his beard. I belive his exact quotes were " if you cant achieve it, I can weave it...if you cant grow it, I can sew it." Like any sane person would do at this point we cut him off from the booze. This of course did not stop him as he simply began to steal everyone's drink when they were not looking and downing it as fast as he could. About this time a group of the guys he had been at the first bar, the Depot came in obviously looking for southernbelle and rubbaleg as they were the best looking girls in town. I really cant blame these guys I saw what they had to choose from and I have one thing to say......MOVE FAST!!!! As southernbelle and rubbaleg began to amuse themselves with these boys and who could blame them things were wearing thin with cammij constantly talking about laying a bead of caulk in rubbalegs belly button...and yes I really edited that for the dooyoo censors. As you can imagine cammij decided that this loss of attention was no good and began to rally the troops to brawling with these young bucks. He began to call them out yelling "burn in hell you sodomites!" Well as the ignored him he just decided to go over and get them to fight amongst themselves. This task took all of about 3 minutes and two of them were hitting each other in the head to prove their worthiness for his sister's attention. Shortly after we decided our welcome was worn out and we proceeded to Denny's for late night breakfast. At this point cammij wasnt even speaking in english anymore it was all german and russian. He began screaming that al l he wanted was for his train to be on time and his daughter to be able to see shamu the killer whale eat fish. Now I have eaten at Dennys late night all over the country but this was definitely one of the saddest crowds I have ever seen. ( incidently this also where we ate christmas dinner with the whole family and we even got to sit at the exact same table) Back to nite one at Dennys...cammij just continued to scream about everything to the point that even the drunk guy in shorts and a t-shirt wearing a santa hat laying on the floor singing christmas songs began to laugh at him. Now you know its bad when this guy who is severely underdressed and heavily intoxicated is laughing at you! Then cammij decided it was time to "spill the blood of the innocents and bathe the walls of Dennys in blood" and thud! his head finally hit the table and he was down for the count. We all ate our meals as quietly as we could for fear of waking the mad russian. AFter the meal we had to leave, I picked up the bill as I just couldnt bear to watch all these drunks I was with figure out who owed what. We haded to wake cammij to get him to the car although we did debate just leaving him there passed out at the table. Once he staggered out to the vehicle the puke began to fly. I was impressed that he made it all way to the parking lot because I have seen my laywer friend puke on the glass doors of a waffle house trying to get to the parking lot. The amount of fluid spewing from this boys mouth was inordinate compared to amount that I witnessed enter during the course of the night. He must have stolen more drinks than we had previosly guessed, he must have been stealing them from other people in the bar. I bet the whole flash of burning chest hair was a diversion to steal other table's drinks. We finally got him home covered in puke and southernbelle, rubbaleg and I headed to the hotel. Thats right rubbaleg decided to crash with us. Nothing freaky really happ ened but we sure had the hotel waitstaff wondering as I ordered some room service the next morning and had them deliver it into the room with myself and two fine ladies in bed. Of course I was soon busted for not being a true player as I had forgotten to put the do not disturb sign on the door. What on oversight. All you players in training take note of this simple mistake and dont repeat it. Day two, Grandma's house...It was just a fairly typical large family gathering in the basement bar. Thats right thier grandmother has a full bar in her basement. She also never calls anyone by their name...she gives everyone a nick name that evidently sticks with them for life. I guess she is thier Adam as she names all the animals in the family....anyway I will forever be known as Rudolph in that family. After spending as much time as can be expected we headed to the only bar that was open....you guessed it...the Saloon. As soon as we walked in the gay cowboy bartender just began laughing at cammij and asked him if he was feeling ok. Now he had a middle 50's petite gay man in a cowboy hat laughing at him the next day. At least they let us in. Tonight our crowd was less rubbaleg and plus their cousin "bigboy" and his brand new fiance of just that day...here I return to my earlier comment about the women in this town by saying MOVE FAST!!! anyway another cousing showed up some minutes later crying about his cousin also being his half sister as his mother had divorced his dad and married his dad's cousin or something like that. However this seemed to be less worrisome than stories about his gay sister and her wife, husband...whatever. This night ended somewhat uneventful as we were still laughing at the night before and playing with thier totally dysfunctional cats. These cats scream as though you are killing them when you simply touch their heads, yet the stay right there. Oh and the one cat named keisha actually hates the soun d of thier mother's voice...it is odd to watch but as thier mother speaks this cat runs up every time and puts her pay over the mouth of their mother and wails out in agony...like saying will someone please shut this woman up!!!! The next day was christmas and family present day....Cammij did exactly as he said he would and he threw all of the gifts on the floor for everyone to scramble for. I did grab one T-shirt from a serpent emporium where you can buy snakes for religious rituals...so yes his story on snakes has some truth to it...but the cats looked fine to me. I just watched cammij as he took notes like Dr. Skinner watching his rats in a maze as his family grabbed for gifts. I could then see his total manipulation of his family for his amusement. I think he was dissapointed that I didnt join in the melee but I was more than content with my serpent emporium T-shirt. The family continued to exchange gifts in the traditional manner which led to me being given a baseball jersey from an atlanta brave which southernbelle had a friendship with. Everyone was amused but cammij as this seemed to be too much for him...which I thought was kind-of like the pot calling the kettle black. Despite what the true intentions might have been I saw humor in it even if it was at my exspense. Strangely enough it made me feel closer to southernbelle's family...I felt as though the ice was definitely broken in that moment and that I had no reason to ever worry about making a good impression on them. Not that I hadnt already ruined that chance by showing up at thier house for the first time in womens clothes....but that is another story. After the gift giving we went to the only place in town open servind food....Dennys...from there we went to visit thier 96 year old great grand mother who is evidently well known for grabbing young men's butts whenever she can wheel up to them. I thought this was great...she will probably live forever with this sense of lively spirit about her. After the visit with GGMA, we drove around town a little bit to see some of the historical sites to include the town jail where her dad had evidently visited several times one of which included her mother visiting to throw the engagement ring back at him throught the bars of the cell...obviously she took it back as they were both telling me this story. Alas the time drew near for our flight back to south carolina and it began to snow again just as it had when I arrived...it was like a white cleansing snow purifying my whole experience and encapsulating it with a definte end. There was a whole lot more to this trip but I simply cant fit it in...I would have to write a screen play....so goodnight king of philidelphia, goodnight popeye, mom and dad...goodnight rubbaleg, spot, keisha and sally....merry christmas to you all...it is time to go pick up southernbelle from work and light some candles and put on that baseball jersy and nothing else!!!!!
wow, I had a wild holiday and now I have to recover from it. I finally got to meet the person known on Dooyoo as Assmonkey and It was a pleasure but I don't think he likes us no more. See Assmonkey actually has his act together and he dates my hussy trophy of a sister. So he came to spend Christmas with my family in Ohio. This guy has like degrees and licences and stuff and a lot of money and we really aren't used to dealing with people like that. This is sort of a list of everything we did wrong. First off my 96 year old grannie from Ireland was sort of bad to him. To put this woman in perspective she got thrown out of the Christmas party at her old folks home for calling santy claus obscenities. Not that it was personal to Santy Claus. She also was chastized for grabbing the fire marshals butt when he came in to give a talk on fire safety. But he tried to talk to her and she was rude to him. She would only say "Hell yeah" or "Hell no" Second off he got totally cheated in the gift exchange. See this year I did not buy any presents for any specific people. I just bought a bunch of cool stuff and didn't bother wrapping it. I just threw it on the floor in a pile and told all the people...my mom, Popeye, southernbelle, my dad and assmonkey to "go for it". All Assmonkey took was one of my custom made T-shirts. It made me mad because I wanted him to have some other stuff too but he was too classy to scramble for the good stuff and popeye and my dad are so retarded, there were like 4 mens XL shirts which they should have realized were not for my sister or mom or Assmonkey. But they took the other good stuff knowing that the shirts would still be there so they ended up with all the presents. Southernbelle at least got the Pretzel making kit I intended for her and the awesome sandwich maker. I think I overreacted to catching my beard on fire. See I was setting myself on fire in the gay bar w e were at so people could watch and I was lighting my chest hair and my beard caught on fire so I was all jacked out of shape. Then cricket took my lighter but she gave me a cigarette so I could smoke and I was trying to set myself on fire with it and was all frustrated. Now before you start in about me and how I should not set myself on fire, it really can't hurt me that bad. I mean I got shot with an AKM once and I know what pain is and it sure the hell isn't a couple tiny blisters from setting my chest hair on fire for people to watch. I sort of made a scene the first night I met Assmonkey. Everyone else was accusing me of being drunk and someone threw up on my shoes and all over my jacket (any forensics guy would say that the vomit was spewed from the person in the jacket by the distribution pattern). But my brother has no class, he keeps talking about me "puking on my shoes" while anybody with any class would say I vomitted on them or regurgitated on them. I woke up in the morning and looked in the icebox and saw a take out box from Denny's and I am like "wow who went to Dennys since yesterday" and they are like "we all did" and I felt bad because I did not remember it. Apparantly I made a scene in there, too and was threatening to kill some kid and made him all scared. Usually I like to intimidate others and oppress people but it was the holidays and I think it was out of line. They said until I passede out in Dennys I kept yelling that all I wanted was a GD toasted cheese sandwich and crisps. And then they brought me chips instead of crisps anyways. But I guess I was really getting loud over the fact that crisps are chips and chips are fries. It is all of you people's faults on Dooyoo that this happened. I read these ops and try to use British words as opposed to American words when I want to feel sophisticted (and a person is often very sophisticated when they have slammed 5 double shots of Rumple Minze in 5 minutes)and then people don't quite understand what I mean. Popeye was being jerky too cuz I was taking my shoes off in the bar. Somebody wanted to see all the tattoos I put on myself and Popeye is like, "Dude you can't be taking off your shoes in public while you have been setting stuff on fire" because of that guy from London who tried to blow up the airplane with his shoe. Like someone is going to think I am a terrorist. Like I was only speaking German for the most part, because when I get drunk I talk German mostly and then sometimes Russian. So like Germans aren't terrorist and Popeye is like chastizing me that they will think I am a terrorist. Like some Al-Queda blokes are going to be drinking Apple Martinis by the bucket in a gay bar in the first place. The worst thing that happened was what my dad got him for a present. My sister used to bang most of the Atlanta Braves farm club-minor league team from Myrtle Beach and so my dad gets Assmonkey an original game worn Jersey from my sisters ex-boyfriend. It made me sick how mean spirited that was. That is like so uncool, and I usually like to hurt other peoples feelings and bust people down but this made me physically ill, the level of cruelty that could be pushed onto a guest. Thats like if she had used to date a male porn star he could have given her a sex toy modelled from his body and made some sort of comment to the affect that she might be missing him. I don't know, it was all just wrong. Then my one cousin is drunk and stupid and pestering my sister to show him her boobs. And this is front of the girl he got engaged to that morning. That did not seem right or normal, although I can't say it is wrong or abnormal. I don't think Assmonkey will like us no more and I can not blame him. First off we gave him crummy gifts, we only had crummy food, my one cousin called him all sorts of names for having big buckles on his sh oes and then I am drunk and stupid and driving all crazy and then I kept stealing his drinks at the bar, but it wasn't just him, I keep stealing everyone's drinks when they wouldn't sell me any more. Then my sister stole all my money. This was not a good holiday. Then I am like sitting around and my dad is like telling me to run the sweeper like he is my boss and it is popeye's house in the first place and that mean awful guy is telling me to do womens work. And all the people were taking pictures of my shoes at the family party because they had puke on them from the chinese restaurant. All I know is I am never going to another Christmas with these people. If I do show up to get my gifts I am going to have a weapon , but I have a good enough excuse not to go because I am Russian Orthodox and my Christmas is like in January. I think it is total crap that I can sit here and think of all the stuff that went wrong for the holidays. Why do things have to turn out like this? What is wrong with people nowadays? Maybe people ought not to drink so much. so I guess my advice to people is do not get all pissed at parties and you won't have to worry about the next morning. I just wanted to tell you how wacky my holiday was so you understand why I said I wasn't going to go in the first place. Just for the record Assmonkey and southernbelle might write their own ops on this holiday and some things they may say may conflict with this true and factual record but they may accuse me of crass and immature outlandish drunken behaviour and I want to refute it in advance since whatever they say will be a coarse exageration or simply untruth. Let me give one valuable point of advice to people. transport your gifts in a laundry basket to the Christmas party and it is very easy to haul your gifts back home in the same basket. I did exactly this for this year and it worked out great. Southernbelle even complimen ted my great idea at the time.
The scenario: You’ve had a great Xmas day, all the family came over and some friends. The turkey was delicious and everyone really enjoyed themselves. The games were fun and the wine went down really well. The kitchen is full of dirty dishes and the house is looking rather dirty but you’re too tired and it’s Xmas day. You’re just about to switch the lights off and head out when your partner wants to fill the car up. So you go back in. Well, that’s me. First, as I write this opinion I will take in all the advice I offer since when morning comes it will help me as well. So here’s what I intend to do: -Get a black bin bag and start by putting all the rubbish in. That should get rid of the wrapping up paper and sweet wrappers. -then it’s the dishes, if you have a dishwasher great and if you don’t then roll your sleeves up. Get the kitchen spotless, that way when you want to have a coffer you won’t be reminded of the mess in the living room. -The red wine stain on the carpet, don’t panic. You can use the carpet shampoo’s like 1001 or just get some hot water add a bit of salt and start rubbing. -The broken glass, we always have a couple of glasses broken. Don’t ask me how so really make sure that the room is cleared of any bit of glass before you let the children in. I think that should be number one priority come to think about it. -The games, everything has been shoved into the cupboard. Sort all the games out so you can play them next time. A bit tedious but there’s no point ruining your board games because you may need them next Xmas. -The turkey, decide what to do with the leftovers. Make sandwiches, salads or even take some down to a local hostel for the homeless that’s if you have one near you. If you want to remove any stains then try Fabreeze on things like curtains, cushions and even carpet. A really good temporary solution. < br> Go round the rooms with a vacuum, it will take quite a long time and then spray around the house. Put your feet up and wait until your other half comes back from the football. So, there’s my tips and I shall be doing all that on Boxing Day. Now, I shall enjoy the rest of my Xmas. Happy Christmas everyone.
Personally, I can tolerate spilt drinks and 'chunder' (where ever it is...urgh), but, cigarette burns are unacceptable. I think this is ignorance on the person responsible. Red wine can disappear with a vanish wipe..on any material. Make sure you buy a pack. Chunder can be cleaned up with boiling hot soapy water then drenched in detol..diluted ofcourse. Use paper plates for the buffet, and plastic pint glasses for beer and the half pint plastic glasses for wine and shorts. They may cost a few bob but atleast they will not smash and you do not need to wash them up...just bin them! Guests will not object as the majority of them would drink out of a saucepan if they had to! You will probably find that men will happily drink out of cans/bottles....and women for that matter! A bit of PC coming in there!!!....(or equality!). Clean a dust bin out and fill it with cold water and ice....leave it in the garden and put the cans of beer in it. This will keep your kitchen free and the beers cold. Place several bin liners around (tie them around dining chairs, door handles etc). Make sure there are plenty of ashtrays placed maybe a few feet apart so there are NO excuses. After greeting your guests, tell them in a nonoffensive manner that you have placed numerous ashtrays "So no excuses!!".... If you have surfaces that are delicate, position several coasters (or place mats) along the surface. Do not have candles burning, ornaments or pictures on show. Take them down for the night. You will inevitably have 'semi-invited gatecrashers'....you know the ones... so therefore keep all valueables safe. If you can, keep the music going 'good' all night, therefore it will keep the 'merry' peeps away from your expensive hi-fi...also, it will prevent the 'merrier' peeps from playing frisby with your CD's. Have fun!
Stains! Smells! Burns! It was an absolutely brilliant party! Everyone had a great time, wished each other a Merry Christmas and waved goodbye until the New Year. Then, you wake up the following morning open the lounge/living-room door and stand there aghast. We never drank that much did we? Ok, so the bottles and plates of leftover food you can deal with, but what about those red wine stains on the suite and the carpet? (a) Oh no, how many cigarette burns? Who the hell burned the wall unit? (b) I don’t believe it! There’s candle wax all down the wallpaper and on the carpet! (crayons I can accept, it’s natural)(c) You then walk into the kitchen and find the cremated remains of the ‘supper’ the lads concocted when you had finally gone to bed. Why do men have to use every single item of crockery/cutlery/pan in the kitchen and why can’t they multi-task and wash up as they go along? (Sorry you lads out there reading this who disagree, you are obviously one of the ‘few’ and I apologise to you the minority). How many pans have they ruined? (d) You decide to pay a visit to the bathroom to tidy up before you make a start on the Blitz and what do you find? Ok, let’s be honest (if not a little crude), something must have crawled into the bathroom and died! (e) Where does it all end, or is this just the beginning? Thank God, my house has never looked like this, well, I did say it was a nightmare scenario. So, here are the solutions to dealing with the problems (besides kicking the ideas of another party into touch or chucking out the partner). a) Red wine stains on carpets and upholstery: Sprinkle upholstery with salt and follow up with lukewarm water. Carpets: squirt soda from a syphon onto the area (but don’t drown it). Sprinkle with talc and vacuum dry. Repeat until stain is unnoticeable . Failing this move your furniture around to cover it up until you get the professionals in! b) Cigarette burns. Carpets: cut some fibres from a scrap of the carpet (which you would naturally have saved when it was laid)(not)(ok, make sure you do next time). Place a blob of glue where the burn is and fill the hole with carpet fibres. Wooden bookcases/furniture: If the mark is light, rub with metal polish (go with the grain). If it has a wax finish rub with turpentine. If the burn is deep and dark, rub with fine sandpaper, fill with woodstopping and tint to match the rest of the furniture with wood polish. c) Candle wax. On wallpaper: Soften with a hairdryer and cover with blotting paper, then use a warm iron to press it, then blot remainder with meths. (Then go and arrange a visit to B&Q to choose some new paper ‘cos I’m sure you’ll still be able to notice it!). On carpets: Chill the area first with ice cubes then gently pick off the excess wax, cover with a piece of blotting paper and press using the iron on a warm setting. Rub with meths , then diluted carpet shampoo and rinse. d) Burnt Pans. Boil up 2 teaspoons of bicarbonate of soda in a panful of water or soak in washing-up liquid in hot water and then rub with a paste of bicarbonate of soda. To be honest, I have used washing powder in the past, which has worked ok. e) And finally, for the half-life left up there in the loo. ‘ Strike a Match!’ – yes it does work (ok, so you can smell the sulphur, but I’m sure it will be an improvement on the previous whiff!). Well, I hope you don’t have much of this to contend with, but I’m sure if you are having a party there’ll be somebody leaving you a reminder of their visit. Let’s just hope it’s not a big one. Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Great fun having a party at Christmas, getting all your friends into your house, drinking, eating, platying games. Next day not so much fun. Christmas comes round and everyone knows a lot of money has to be spent. Do what I do. Get someone in to clean your home after your party. It only costs maybe 20 or 30 quid but believe me its well worth it. You can have a ball at the party, see the state of the house after it but hey! Who cares! Its Christmas. Eat, drink and be merry and forget about the consequences!