Think I Can't Find a Category? This is so Euro-Sad. (Top 10 Christmas Wishlist (2001))

Member Name: Aspen

Product:	Top 10 Christmas Wishlist (2001)
Date:	22/12/01 (83 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Obviously N/A, since I've hi-jacked the category?

Disadvantages: DY, where are you? Do you understand the culture of your communities? Dare you answer?

I have tried all the search options; every possible route, but I cannot find anything on this site which extends beyond Boxing Day.


I was doing this searching thing, given that it is approaching Christmas Time, looking for anything – yes anything – related to Hogmanay.

Well, obviously – yes, obviously – any internet site with any sort of UK connection would have recognised the importance of Hogmanay.

But not dooyoo. Clearly, Euro-dooyoo equates the UK with Englandshire.

Kenjohn, and even the expat sidneygee, and many others, will empathise.

We have dooyoo categories for top ten Christmas wish-lists. Correct me if I am wrong – and for once, in the interests of UK diplomacy, I sincerely hope I am wrong, but I can not find any topics even remotely connected to Hogmanay. And I certainly cannot find a category for Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions.

Which would be a cracker of a topic, if not in mainstream dooyoo, at least in Speakers Corner.


But no. The land of Mel Gibson has been ignored yet again.

You know, pals, I really wanted to write an op on my top ten New Year’s Resolutions. It was going to be a wee bit funny; and a wee bit personal; and a wee bit Aspen.

What the fork. Gonna doo it anyway.


10. Stop smoking. Okay, I know this is a joke. We do it every year, and fail abysmally.. I only record this item as a diary entry. I feel obliged to replicate this diary entry of 1973. It makes me feel good that I have a memory going that far back . . .

9. Reduce alcohol consumption. Arising from which, my DY contributions would be more meaningful and less cyber-space-consuming.

8. Feed the geriatric JR less. I know it’s kind to be cruel.. I’m too kind – she’s too fat. We’re both going on a diet.

7. Stop having lascivious thoughts about Carol Smillie.

6. Stop preten
ding I don’t buy cheap wine from Lidl.

5. Stop pretending I only drink Glen Ord. I can’t afford Glen Ord.
(Cringe) I drink Glen Orchy from Lidl.

4. Jonathan Cainer assures me the world is my oyster. If I can find a pearl up my ar*e, I will believe in my stars. If not, de facto, I have piles.

3. What am I doing here? Remind me?
Yes, of course, this is a very important top ten which DY is sufficiently culturally inept to recognise. My number three wish is for dooyoo to recognise not only its UK input, but its Scottish input. Not only because the Scottish input is significant, but because it won’t be too long before the Scottish input is a damned sight more important than the English (depending on the UK for recognition as a somebody) input.

2. I am b*ggered if I can remember what two is. I have been working so long and hard on this, and I am now concentrating on number one.

Know something? It doesn’t matter

My Number Two wish for 2002 could be that Susan Deacon has a child that looks like Tommy Sheridan;. Or that Henry McCleish gets the managers job at Rangers, and Big Eck stirs big sh*t in Holyrood.

Big Eck probably would gain a bigger turnout on election night than either McConnell or Swinney.

And this is a very serious subject, despite Aspen making light of it.

Sadly, 75% of the DY population, like 75% of the UK population, assumes a patronising looking-down-the-nose-pose.

And does not even recognise names.

And even worse, in patronising ignorance, will give this an SU with the caveat “what the f*ck’s this about?”

My number two resolution is this.

Despite the fact that I don’t trust Jack McConnell further than I could throw Ben Affleck into a prevailing wind, I wish for Scotland in 2002 a bigger return to their local government’s per capita, than they have had for many a year, give
n that the oil revenues this country ( yes, country) produces, has for many years exceeded the returns government has provided to our infrastructure.

I think I am still under heading two.

Though I am not too sure, ‘cos I am getting emotional.

Sorry, my other UK pals, but my number two New Year’s Resolution, is to fight with my dying breath for Scotland’s independence within Europe.


1. My number one resolution – and you’ve all been waiting for this – is


DO NOT POST WHEN P*SSED. Technology sucks.



Go back a decade.

I now have a big cardboard notice above my PC, which says “Memo to self – DO NOT POST WHEN P*SSED”



Sadly, I have yet to be convinced of it’s efficacy.



© Mike Clark 2001

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