For some reason, almost everyone on this site seems to believe that Father Christmas is fed up with mince pies and that he's on some sort of diet, bringing the rest of the food home to Mrs.Christmas. Well, I decided to investigate, and visited the great man last weekend, as he was getting ready for Christmas.

Sadly the first thing to say is that he is now divorced from Mrs.Christmas. Last year she finally walked out, having threatened to leave several centuries ago, complaining about his job and the fact that although it put food on the table, his income was particulary poor. Father Christmas thinks shes gone off to live nearer the equator somewhere and is desperate for her to come back, but it doesn't look promising.

Secondly, all the magical elves have been released and Eastern European refugees have taken their place in the many workshops. I was quite shocked by this and Fr.Christmas explained that the new workers were cheaper, plus the elves had gone on strike, demanding that their friends-the garden gnomes-should be allowed to come and work in the workshops too.

Thirdly, his flock of reindeer had to be destroyed due to foot and mouth. Even if that hadn't happened, he would not have been allowed to let them fly anyway, as new safety regulations do not permit transport by reindeer.

Fourthly, hes had to change his name from Father Christmas, as people began to think he was a religious leader. Also he had to shave off his beard incase people mistook him for a member of the Taliban.

The final disaster is that having recieved a sponser on his big red suit that he wears during Christmas Eve, some Chelsea fans mistook him for a Manchester United supporter and promptly ripped the suit to shreds. With Mrs.Christmas gone, he has no way of making a new one.

So unfortunatly hes not in the greatest of moods this Christmas and has given me a list of things he would appreciate everyone left for him on Decemb
er 24th.

1) A return ticket back to Greenland
2) Several bottles of vodka to drown his sorrows
3) Phone numbers of any single women (aged between 20-879)
4) Some lucazade to help him through the night
5) Some anti-depressant pills

Poor old Santa