Santa doesn't exist! (What To Leave Out For Father Christmas)

Member Name: rabidsquirrel

Product:	What To Leave Out For Father Christmas
Date:	15/12/01 (185 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Advantages of living a deluded life, anyone?

Disadvantages: He doesn't exist, dammit!

Yes, that's right. He doesn't exist. I could put it a softer way, but considering that not many people under the age of fifteen are probably going to be reading this, you should all know better by now anyway. But since some of you are writing about him as if he does exist, let me give you a little insight as to where exactly the myth of Santa originates from.

It is believed among many Christians that there was a bishop in Asia Minor who died in around the 4th century AD named St. Nicholas. However, there has been no evidence to suggest that the man ever existed, and instead, it is entirely possible that he could instead be a pagan god. But despite the fact that he is probably a pagan deity, he has still managed to obtain the honoured rank of patron saint of Austria, Germany, Italy, and several European countries, as well as patron saint of children. Over the years, a fictional life story was created for the man, and he began to obtain special powers, as it were, until he morphed into the modern day Father Christmas. The red suit with white trim that he is portrayed as wearing can be attributed to the Americans, and in particular, Coca Cola, who began an advertising campaign from the 1930s which included the Santa figure.

So he doesn't exist kids! So when your parents tell you to hang your stocking up for Santa to fill up during the night and then go to bed, don't be fooled. Pretend to go to bed, and then hide in a position where you are able to see the stockings hanging up and the mince pies and brandy that you have left by the chimney for Santa. Try not to fall asleep kids - this is an important landmark of your life, discovering Santa doesn't exist. After a couple of hours, you will see your mum and dad bring down the presents that they had been hiding in the attic and start filling up your stocking with them. They then proceed to eat the mince pies and get pissed on the brandy. Sorry kids, but that's the truth. There are
no sleigh bells. There is no Rudloph. There are no elves. Get used to it.

What? You still don't believe me? Well, here are a few facts that will straighten you out.

1. Let's be generous here. Let's say that there are a billion children in the world (I know for a fact that there are more) and that Santa optimises use of the time zones, so he has 24 hours to deliver all of the presents. 24 hours = 86,400 seconds. Divide a billion by that number of seconds and you would soon realise that in order to meet deadlines, Santa would have to give presents to over eleven thousand kids a second. Unless he has an army of elves helping him, this is quite frankly impossible. But the elves don't actually help in the delivering anyway, so that possibility is ruled out as well.

2. Why is it that the poorer children get given fewer presents by Santa than the richer children? Surely that's unfair, considering the richer kids are going to get more presents from family anyway. Unless Santa's a capitalist pig...

3. Do you not think that after drinking all of that alcohol and eating that number of mince pies, Santa would a) be the size of a small city by the end of the night b) be so drunk half of the presents that are eventually delivered are covered in vomit?

4. What does Santa do about flats, or houses without chimneys?

5. Flying reindeer? Puh-lease. How many flying reindeer have you seen around?

So, I hope I've set you kids straight here. I mean, how are you meant to develop intellectually when your parents keep telling you that a mythical bloke based on a pagan god comes down every Christmas Eve and puts presents in your stockings? I found out he didn't exist at the age of seven, which in my opinion, was far too late. Your life needs to be based on facts, not fantasy. Otherwise you might as well spend the whole of your lives having trips on acid.

Are you convinced yet? No?


Very well, then. If you must insist that Santa Claus does exist, then I have just one piece of advice to you: don't put any food or drink out for him this year. Don't you think he gets enough food from all the other children all around the world? And you wouldn't want your imaginary friend to die of a heart attack or kidney failure, would you? Besides, how is he supposed to fit down other kids' chimneys when people keep stuffing his face full of goodies? He can't help being an absolute glutton, you know.

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