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The worst film i have ever seen was called "Thank you for smoking" I saw it at the pictures in 2006, it was on for 2 hours and seemed like 2 days. It was advertised as a black comedy, not for the faint hearted, extremely funny. It was actually about a person dying of cancer and a cigerette company advertising and making money from this poorly lady, it wasn't funny in the slightest and im a very open minded person. What was funny though was when my mum picked me up from the pictures and asked "was it any good?" to which i preplied "no it was rubbish, it said black comedy mum but there were no black people in it" you can imagine the picture on my mums face, she then explained to me what was actually meant by black comedy and it all suddenly clicked. The film is still my worst EVER!!
What is the worst movie ever? Everyone thinks they can be a film critic and talk about movies like "Death Cheaters", "North Sea Hijack", or "Ishtar" or the Kevin Costner "Dances with Fish" or "Fishtar" which he called "Waterworld" They can use words like "transparent plotlines" "Cardboard characters" "woody dialogue". Why do people go see movies and then complain? Let me see Heath Ledger naked or a few good car crashes and I am just fine, and the trailers and ads on the Telly make it clear to the potential viewer ht the movie is about. The last movie I saw was called "Snakes on a plane". What did I imagine the movie would be about? It wasn't like the "notebook" where you had to waste your time reading a book (which is so 1835) to guess what it was about. Hell I saw that notebook movie 6 times and still don't know what it is about. My point is that most of you trite people can watch a movie and if it is bad you are out 7 quid and two hours of your life, true some good movies like "Children of the Corn" or "Amityville Horror" can wreck you for a few years of childhood sleep quality. But if you see a crummy movie you are out of a few pence, let me tell you what the worst movie ever cost me.
First let me tell you about my life. I am a 43 year old recently retired firefighter from Akron Ohio. I am a little rough around the edges. I am only 1.6 m tall and weigh 100 kg. I started losing my hair in highschool and I have lots of warts. I had just started wearing my belt over my belly instead of under my belly making me have a pretty prominent "Frass"- short for front ass. I used to have another wife but she left me for some bikers the last I heard. So about 5 years ago I met a nice girl on a web site named Zanya. She was from Macedonia and 19 years old. I thought it would be like all the other ones where she would write me four letters and then proclaim that I am the man of her dreams and she feels our hearts are as one and then tell me she needs money for her mothers surgury and then i would send it and then she would say she needs $4000 to get a visa to come live with me forever and then I would send it and then her email address would change and I would call the macedonian embassy, to see if she was ok, maybe something happened, and send her picture and they would explain that the picture is actually that of a famous soap opera star. I am not saying that scenario ever happened, or happened three times with girls from Russia, Romania and Macedonia, I am just saying it could happen to a lonely heart like me.
I met Zanya online. She had been the winner of a beauty pageant in Skopje in 1999. She was the spokesmodel for the Kandik Cheese company. I personally feel that the pageant was just a few kegs of draft beer away from a wet T-shirt contest in Acapulco, but she was quite proud. We got married and she came here and we lived a happy life and had two children, a boy and girl. I was a fireman and she worked at a childrens clothing store until she got preggers. We would go bowling and ice fishing and were so happy. It is hard to imagine I would ever find such happiness.
Some of you self appointed film critics see where this is going. You are thinking, that Nicole Kidman movie where she is a Russian passport whore, his wife saw it and it caused problems. I wish.
We had the perfect life. I retired just 6 months ago after 20 years on the brigade and have a substantial pension and I took a part time job selling fire safety supplies, fire alarms, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers at one of those big huge home supply stores.
One day I was sitting at home. The wife had taken the brats to go get their portraits made at k-mart where you get like 146 pictures for $5.95 then they try to upsell you on all sorts of stuff. We had been fighting because she does not understand that at the home supply store that i had a bro-mance going on with a young man in the landscaping department. You know what I mean, you exchange gifts and call each other a lot and all that, but not like gay or something. She said it was ok with my mates from the fireshouse since we spent 24 hours at a stretch together, cooking, showering, working out and all that but she thought it was ok to have close friends at the fire house but "I will not to take anymore this not for an 8 dollar one hour job". So she did not let me have friends. So I was watching TV all alone. A movie called Juwanna Mann came on.
It was a gut wretching treatment of truth and a poignant adventure into the psyche of questioning how far extraordinary men, who still remained accessible and relevant, will go to chase their dreams, no actually it was some silly inane predictable crap about a guy named jamal jeffries who gets booted out of pro basketball for being a jerk and then pretends to be a woman to play womens basketball and along the way becomes a better person, loses his attitude, and falls in love. You can know the movie was garbage because Kevin Pollak was in it and he only participates in projects that are rubbish. There was nothing at all interesting in this movie. The plot was so thin and there was little surprise or suspense. There were some funny lines. It was the dumbest movie ever.
What was the worst part about this movie? I have seen movies before like Steel Magnolias or Fried green Tomatoes, or Benny and Joon, or Gilbert Grape or Tron Deadly Discs where you just have to sit and sip coffee and think about all of what you have seen, to sort of digest it, or at a minimal get on Nitpickers.com or spoilers.com and try to sort out the plot and see what really happened. Or worse yet a movie like Titanic makes you run out and get the book to see if all that really happened. When my wife and kids got home 6 hours later I was online alright, yes I was.
I became obsessed with ethnic transvestites. From this movie. Both of my sisters date afro-caribean men and they are quite honest that they would never date white men after being with these men. I am positive that they are the best lovers. And to see how hot Miguel Nunez was as he dressed as Juwanna. When he portrayed Jamal Jeffries I was like, wow, now that is a handsome man, I am comfortable saying that one guy or another is attractive, it is ok to do that but when he became Juwanna Mann I was just held captive by her. What more could a man want in life? Think about doing the Hot Carl or Polish bicycle ride with your wife, or any tart for that matter, now imagine doing it to a 6 foot five inch tall muscular black woman....brb....ok I am back, needed to take a break.
My life began to revolve around TVs. I am not talking about televisions. All I could do all day long is look up websites and buy porn online, if I ventured out of the house it was to go to the dirty book store. My wife became a constant terror to me, either mocking and taunting me and ridiculing me or else she would go and play the victim crying about how she gave me her whole world and i "did this" to her. She never said what "this" was, just that I "did this" to her. I quit going to my job or taking any role in parenting. I found chat rooms where I could talk to people about thier experiences and some even proprted to be black TVs. About a week after seeing the movie, which I promptly went online and bought on Ebay but then decided that I could not wait 5 days for it to arrive so I stole a copy from the video store since it wasn't on sale. So a week later I bought an alternative newspaper that had advertisements in the back for such people working as escorts. I had my first f2f a few days later in a motel six on the outskirts of Detroit. I will spare you the details.
I am now living in a beach front cabana in Rio, Brazil, my credit cards are maxed out, i have tricked most all my friends and family into sending me money "so I can come back and get help". My retirement fund is drained dry and all my savings are spent. I also had to deal with the traumatic experience of both my kids grabbing my legs and holding on crying that "daddy stay home", while I tried to leave the house. Meanwhile to have this angry Greek or Bosnian or whatever the hell Macedonian women are, making obscure obscene gestures at me as I drove away with my eyes flush with tears was not nice, I could hear her telling my precious babies, "Your daddy not real man, he go to be with man-women", I can see how Zanya could be a sore loser, but she didn't need to be so critical and abusive.
I do not know what happens from here. I am doing carpentry work here and there to try to stay alive and then I am out to the early morning with some girls that make Juwanna man seem like Mike Tyson. I don't know if I am happy or what, I just know I could not be anywhere else right now. If I had not seen that movie none of this would have happened. This week would have been my vacation and we were going to take the kids to Epcot and go whale watching. I just wish I had never been born.
Before I start I must warn you that there is some bad language in this op and I haven't used any asterisk's. If you think you may be offended by it don't read it. If you do read it and are offended don't complain to me because it's your own fault you can't follow instructions. They're not films from a specific decade, because I didn't want to. They're not in any particular order but number one is the worst film on the face of the planet. The Nutty Professor 2 ****************** The nutty professor was a passable film, nowt special but enjoyable. This was just dull; a rehash of the same film and frankly by the time it was half way through I was so bored I wanted to hang myself. He's going out with Janet Jackson, his family are still a bunch of disgusting degenerates, but now we se a lot more of them. It should be funny but it's not. It should be interesting but it's not. It's just rubbish. So what do you really think Chelle? It's boring Bridget Jones Diary **************** Yep, I'm a girl and this was crap. I've read the books and they were mildly amusing but then they brought it to the film and made the Bridget Jones I could cope with (the one in my head) into an annoying, non-descript, middle class whinger. I know quite a lot of thirty year old women, some single some not, and I've never come across this kind of pathetic neurosis that just makes me wanna slap the bitch up. And then they have that annoying twat Huge Grant in it. Arrrghhhh! So what do you really think Chelle? Annoying All Tom Cruise Films ****************** Hmmm, probably won't have many followers here, but bear with me. They're all the same! Top Gun: He's a pilot, He's a pretty good pilot, Has a crisis of confidence, He meets a prett
y girl He's a good pilot again. Days of Thunder: He's a racing driver, He's a pretty good racing driver, Has a crisis of confidence, He meets a pretty girl He's a good racing driver again. Jerry Maguire: He's a sports agent, He's a pretty good sports agent, Has a crisis of confidence, He meets a pretty girl He's a good sports agent again. Cocktail: He's a barman, He's a pretty good barman, Has a crisis of confidence, He meets a pretty girl He's a good barman again. Need I go on? So what do you really think Chelle? Samey All 'family Dramas' **************** You know the ones I mean they're on channel 5, they're called things like 'because mommy works' and 'she was betrayed' They're all American slush that begins with a wonderful family, but you can sense tragedy on the horizon. Something happens, one of them becomes and alcoholic or marries into violence and all that kind of thing. Custody battles feature heavily. I know they handle difficult serious subjects but on the whole they do it badly. They show it all on a horrid toned down Dallas, white picket fence style that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the nastiness of reality. So what do you really think Chelle? Pukemaking All the highlander films ******************** It's a good idea but Christopher Lambert's Scottish accent is cringe inducingley bad. I just couldn't enjoy the film with that stupid, stupid sound coming out of his mouth. Which part of Scotland did he come from then? St Tropez! The sequels were rubbish too. That's really my only beef with it. So what do you really think Chelle? Set my teeth on edge. Titanic ******* Some
hated it, some loved it. Personally I thought that the vast human tragedy that was the Titanic demanded a much better main story that that pillock and Kate Winslet. It wasn't even a true story. There must have been a better story that was real. There must have been a better story, one that wouldn't make me wanna scream 'hurry up and die, you skinny, spotty runt!' I can't believe he got paid for inflicting that on us. So what do you really think Chelle? I was glad when the boat sank. The Patriot ********** Not to be confused with Mel Gibson's Patriot (which was also crap). No this is a Steven Seagal film that is so bad I can feel the bile rising as I sit here thinking about it. Stevie boy is a disaffected military doctor living in the middle of American nowhere in a small town with his daughter. There's no wife so I assume the reason he left the army is because of some awful bungle he made resulting in her death so that no he has to hide away to nurse his guilt (that's the way it is in his films right?). Some lunatic decides to unleash a deadly virus on the town and Steve has to race to find a cure and beat the crap out said lunatic's henchmen at the same time. The daughter gets kidnapped, but she's a feisty girl and manages to escape, meanwhile they all hide out with the local native Americans and find out that this flower tea they drink is the cure. At the end of the film they fly over the town in a helicopter throwing petals at the half dead townspeople telling then to make tea with it. It shite, its predictable shite, I felt like putting my foot through the telly. In fact I recommend you watch just so you can see how incredibly crap this film is. So what do you really think Chelle? It's flowery bollocks Red Sonja ********* I've just watched it; it was on BBC choice. Oh god it's bad! It's just and excuse for some bird with a ginger mullet to walk round on screen for ninety minutes half-naked. The dialogue is stilted, the acting is rubbish, and the story is stupid. On her travels Sonja meets a bloke who sounds like a New York taxi driver and another who sounds a bit welsh, very authentic I must say. The talisman thing that she's supposed to find, which becomes more powerful in light and may destroy the world, is being kept in a chamber of candles. Yes candles! Well I say, that's bloody dangerous isn't it. Light gives it power, don't they know candles burn down? Didn't they think about the fact that they may go out? Bunch of twats. Oh, and Sonja hates men, then she meets Arnold Swordswinger and we know that's its just going to end up with them shagging the arse of each other. At least it would if it were a decent film, instead we get this absolute bollocks where they're going 'No man may have me unless he beats me in a fair fight' Fucking kinky bitch! So what do you really think Chelle? it's Bollocks Tombraider ********** This should have been called Titraider. Angelina Jolie waving her bazookas at me for an hour and a half, now I've nothing against bazookas but they seemed to have forgotten to add a decent story, script or and decent acting (with the exception of Chris Barrie of course) The script is rubbish and patronising, the acting is so wooden I though I saw leaves growing out of Lara Croft's arse. I can't believe I paid to watch this, that money actually left my pocket and made then gobshites who made this film a little bit richer! In fact, my friend got it out on video but forgot to take it back and they tried to charge him an extra £2.50, he told them that there was absolutely no way he was paying any extra money for that steaming pile of crap. So what do you really
think Chelle? It's tit wank Moonwalker *********** Oh my god. My eyes are bleeding. This really is the worst film ever, ever made. As a kid I was a huge Michael Jackson fan. I'd go round to my mate (who had a stereo with disco lights) and we'd dance to her bad album (and tiffany and hot chocolate too). But this, oh this. After watching this I could never stomach Michael Jackson again. It started off okay, the video, about half an hour of music videos, which I was quite enjoying. But then this pile of astonishing ego wank came on the telly and I felt nauseous. Basically Michael Jackson saves a bunch of very well fed homeless kids from the evil drug dealer Joe Pesci. He turns into a robot and flies back to his home planet (surprise!), I seem to remember some scene with a giant spider, oh I don't know. This film traumatised me; it's just too painful to think about. So what do you really think Chelle? It's ego wank
Feeling rather cynical and completely frustrated due to intense boredom and hungover-ness, I thought what better a time to tell the world how dismally disgusted I was at these... things... they call "films". Being a Film student, I am highly critical of a lot of films I watch, but these ones do little more than take the p*ss. Someone somewhere must've believed that these dire displays were "art" (after all film making is considered to be an art) in order for them to be released. Someone somewhere must've been overwhelmed by the pure talent and originality put into these films, otherwise we- the public- would never have had the pleasure of being blessed with them. So, what are these compelling magnificent and enthralling pieces of art work? Well I shall start with number ten, and then laboriously drag you through these cringe-worthy crap piles until we reach.... The One. The Worst Film ever made. --10-- "Rosemary's Baby" This film went on. And on. And on. And on. And yes, it went on. Ok, I think I have made my point; it goes on. On where? On absolutely bloody nowhere. Rosemary is pregnant and thinks she has a devil child. Or something along those tremendously exciting lines. This film is weird and gets weirder. Don't get me wrong- weird is good, but when weird just leads to cringing and embarrassment, it just aint good. Rosemary's baby was dubbed an "Excellent and Original masterpiece" by critics, so obviously someone thought it was worth it's while. In fact, they thought it was so good that cinemas across the U.K were still showing it as a special "Director's Chair" screening some thirty years after it was made. So what's my problem then? It was dribble. That's what. After sitting on your butt in an uncomfortable cinema chair for two and a half hours, you do hope somewhat that something good is going to happen at the end, you know, a cli
max! But this is one of those "let's leave the audience anticipating", "let's leave it to their imaginations" type of films. How infuriating! --9-- "Jurassic Park 3" Was this meant to be a comedy? Either way, it sure made me laugh. It should've been renamed "The amazing adventures of the Incredible Mobile Phone" or something! Throughout the erm... story (yeeeeah, story) we follow the phone to a crashed plane, onto an abandoned dinosaur island, into a dinosaur's dinner, into his tummy and- wait for it- into his poo! I found myself so totally mesmerised by the extraordinary tales of the mobile phone, that I was forgetting about the real "storyline". I found myself eagerly awaiting the next irritating ring of the mobile phone- the audience was literally in hysterics when the little tune started ringing from- yep you guessed it- the dino's tummy! You should've seen the look on that T-Rex's face when he noticed that his tummy was mysteriously chirping away to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake- or something of that nature! It really was hilarious! An experience, to say the least. --8-- "The Tit and the Moon" For those of you who have been lucky enough not to have had the absolute delight of watching and laughing at this abysmal film (I doubt many have heard of it) this is a perverted and twisted film. "Cool!" I hear you enthuse. But it aint cool. This is just plain perverse. It's paedophilic nature leaves one wondering how on earth this film was aired. Basically it is about a boy of about ten who is obsessed with a woman and wants to be breast fed by her. Milk-squirting and Toe-sucking are just some of the lovelies that we witness in this er... film. The boy eventually gets his wish; the woman squirts her breast milk into his mouth. An obscure piece of "art". It is so bad, it will have you in stitches. But don'
t let that be an incentive to go hunt it down and watch it. --7-- "Traffic" Boring. There is no better use for the word than that of a descriptive for this film. This is a total yaaaaaaawn. Such a load of nonsense is this film that I didn't understand what the hell was going on. Will someone please enlighten me? Actually, on second thoughts- DON'T! I could not wait for this film to end and found my eyelids drooping just at the very thought of Zeta-Jones co-starring alongside her old and grey husband, Michael Douglas. My instincts were right- this film would be as boring as waiting for very wet paint to dry. Only wish I'd listened to my inner voices... --6-- "Scary Movie 2" The first one was actually quite good, I thought. So that's why I was looking forward to the sequel. Oh what a disappointment! Scary movie was a good idea which should have quitted while it was ahead. Once is good, twice is not. Unoriginal. Pointless. Crap. Sorry for the unimaginative description, but after thinking and writing about such an un-inspirational mockery of a film, there really is not much that springs to mind. Sorry. If you've seen the first one, just don't ruin it by seeing the second. --5-- "Glitter" Pass me the hankies. No this love story is neither moving nor uplifting. Pass me the hankies because Mariah's acting skills are making my eyes leak- with pain. A film about a young (??) American girl who tries against all odds to make ends meet and follow her dream of becoming a singer, whilst she also hopes that one day she may be reunited with her mother. Surprise surprise, she becomes a singer and finds her mummy. Boohoo, it makes you want to cry. Yep, I cried alright. Only because I knew I'd have to sit through at least an hour and a half of this sentimental backwash before I could be able to leave a certain friend's house. A Mariah-obses
sed friend. You would have to be pretty Mariah-obsessed to find this in any way appealing. One big, badly-acted cliche. Don't give up ya day job, Mariah. --4-- "The Deep Blue Sea" Why oh why did anyone give this film the go-ahead? Haven't we been there, done that, got the t-shirt and thrown it away? After watching "Jaws" and more Jaws and more Jaws, and numerous other films about DNA mishaps and monster creations, you'd think the general public would have tired of this type of yarn. Ohhhhh no. This was a mega blockbuster. Heaven only knows why. Sharks with human intelligence? Pur-lease. Pass me the puke bucket before I spew all over my nice clean carpet! Sorry for the cynicism, but it's how I feel! --3-- "The Blair Witch Project" Following the hype over this film, I was itching to witness "the scariest movie ever made". Always one for a god ol' scare, I was well up for this one. "Chilling", "Spine tingling", "Exciting". These were just some of the terms I went into the cinema with. "Dog's Dinner", "Back-stabbingly boring" and "A pile of crap" were a few of the less sceptical phrases that stemmed to mind on the way out. They tried to be original by trying to do scary without any graphic goriness. But it just didn't work. I wanted to SEE the witch! I wanted BLOOD! But I don't care if that wasn't the point of the film! What's the point in making a film where just about everything is left to the imagination? I mean, you might as well just stick a bunch of people in a dark room, tell them to close their eyes and think of a scary story. It would've saved all the trouble of making a nondescript film. I rest my case. --2-- "Braindead" I was reluctant to add this to my list of worst ever films because I actually enjoyed watching thi
s, in a sick and twisted sort of way. I actually laughed till my back ached, my sides split and I lost every sane friend I had. For years I debated with myself over whether this film was entertainment at its max or just a pile of badly made, tastelessly thought up, appallingly acted C.R.A.P. After much careful thought, I have come to the conclusion that not only does it deserve to be in my top ten list of worst ever films, but it deserves the not so humble number two spot, just one place behind the worst film ever made. Hehe, it was funny but ohhhh soooo baaaad! ----Da da da (drum roll)---- --NuMbEr OnE-- "The Blair Witch 2: The Book of Shadows" Absolutely no plot. No point. No talent. No nothing. Sorry to go back to the same subject of the good ol' Blair Witch again, but they were both so unspeakably atrocious that they deserve to hold two separate places in my top ten list! Maybe some of you think I am cheating by including both an original and a sequel as two different entries, but the whole point is that they were so unbelievably BAD that I just can't get over it and am utterly bitter when I think of the odd £12 I spent on cinema tickets and some 3 hours I wasted watching these flops. One might ask, why the hell did I waste money buying a ticket to see the sequel when the first had me grinding my teeth and retching in dismay? Well, the answer to that question is that I thought this would be so bad that it would actually be worth witnessing, just in order to rant about at a later date. I saw this film only to aid myself at times like these where I am desperately searching for something to moan about. Does anyone know that feeling when you have been warned NOT to look at something because it is so horrific? Or NOT to smell something because it will make you want to cough your guts up? Yet you feel compelled to do so. There is something bizarrely intriguing about things that people tell you N
OT to do; you feel you must do them. For whatever reason. Human nature, I guess. It's a funny thing; I just hope you won't all go out and watch these disastrous film flops just because I have specifically told you NOT to!!
Just 10 eh? Oh purleeeeease! Crap movies litter the movie screens year in year out and have done since the whole concept of movie-making was given birth to...before then it was probably crap plays, before that, crap storytellers travelling from tribal settlement to tribal settlement before having their tongue cut out by a disgruntled clan leader to save others from their 'art'. D'ya think we can do something similar to Roland Emmerich before he does cons us into seeing something very expensive and very rubbishy once again? The very good movies are few and far between, mostly it's a sea of mediocrity and cheap cash-ins so this kind of list is almost impossible to compile without laying down a few boundaries and ground rules.... Soooo...this isn't going to be a top ten worst of all time, but rather or 'recent times' and then only of those movies which given the budget and supposed talent behind the scenes just ought to have damn well done better! I see little point in abusing the likes of Plan 9 From Outer Space (which I think rocks!) or the countless B-movies out there which go by such unlikely titles as "The Incredible Farting Bog Beast From Stinky Hollow" because otherwise we'll be here all day (and damn, aren't those just the most entertaining movies out there anyway sometimes!?) but rather and without further ado, let us all collectively urinate from a great height upon all those who ought to know better... 1) Titanic Gasps of horror from one side of the room, resounding applause from the other. Now that all the ridiculous hype and astonishingly misguided dolling out of awards to this movie has died away people are finally asking just what the hell anyone ever saw in this hideous dreck! James Cameron manages to take one of the most famous and talked about tragedies of the 20th century and turn it into a sappy romance with all the intelligence and artistry of a soap opera sub-plot and set it
in a glitzy world of the kind which makes you feel as if you are watching some made for TV Danielle Steel movie. He takes a leading man in Leonardo Di Caprio who looks all of 13, and a leading lady in Kate Winslet who looks nice but just can NOT act, saddles them with a script which ranges from banal to inane, surrounds them with ludicrously stereotyped characters and truncated sub-plots and then forgets where he keeps the editing scissors to give us over 3 hours of utter dross. Throw into the mix that somehow Cameron manages to make one of the 20th centuries greatest tragedies come across as not in the slightest bit tragic - there is no horror felt as the ship sinks and hundreds die - and you have a $200 million turkey. Utter dross and butt-numbingly long dross at that. Yeah, and we all knew the ending too. (I'll say it before some other joker does :oP) Watch "A Night To Remember" to see the whole Titanic thing done properly. 2) Pearl Harbour Probably some more gasps of horror here, but come on! Michael Bay (also responsible for other "God bless America" monstrosities like Armageddon!) tries soooo hard to remake Titanic as a war movie and unfortunately in many respects he manages to do it! Assembling a cast consisting of the paring of the consistently crap, but very pretty Josh Hartnett and the constantly out-of-his-depth and miscast Ben Affleck and the underachieving Kate Beckinsale, Bay neatly manages to avoid historical accuracy and pretty much anything actually to do with Pearl Harbour for most of his 3 hours+ movie and focuses instead on a dreadfully contrived love triangle before chucking in some action in the last 45 in an attempt to warrant his cashing in on the deaths of thousands with his purposefully misleading title. Of course you'll be asleep by then anyway but the last 45 is watchable if someone wakes you. Pearl Harbour *is* Titanic with a different setting, same stereotyp
ical characters, same dreadful soap opera style romance thing (triangular in shape this time ;o), same intelligence insulting and often hilariously pathetic script and same enormous budget matched only by the enormity of the crater made as it crashes and burns before your very eyes. Bombastic, cliché ridden, mawkish and bizarrely hollow, Bay's movie is happy to rape history and then drown the body in a sea of schmaltz for the cinematic delight of 12 year olds and deadheads everywhere who simply wouldn't recognise a good movie if it bit them in the arse....and just where the hell were the editing scissors again - 3 hours of schmaltzy tripe is NOT a good thing! Avoid. 3) The Postman I watched this twice because I couldn't believe what I had witnessed. Not content with the enormous multi-million dollar flop which was Waterworld (a movie I thought was more watchable than the critics made out), the increasingly boring and plank-like Kevin Kostner inexplicably manages to find the funding to film a movie which for all intents and purposes is Mad Max meets Postman Pat. America's government has collapsed, anarchy reigns and the remaining citizens bundle together in small communities whilst a sadistic general rides around on horseback dishing out grief. Kostner is a rebel who finds a postman's mailbag in a wrecked postal van and goes from town to town dishing out letters which give hope to the people and spouting about reforming congress and thus peace and order - naturally, the general sees this as a threat and wants him dead. If that sounds like a great basis for a three hour movie then you probably liked Titanic and Pearl Harbour and were outraged to see Waterworld shunned by the Academy as well...or your name is Kevin Kostner. The undeniably beautiful scenery and a Western soundtrack are the sole good points of Kostner's ridiculously narcissistic vanity project which was humorously dubbed "Dances With P
ostmen&quo t; by some critics seeing visual similarities to a previous Kostner movie this in no other way matches. You wonder at times whether The Postman is a spoof , yet Kostner directs with such solemness and serious tones that it simply can't be - it's just laughably bad, and at 3 hours, even a movie so bad it becomes funny just can't sustain interest. The ludicrous premise gives rise to bucketfuls of barftastic lines like "You give out hope like it was candy in your pocket" and numerous supposedly poignant scenes (usually involving letters and really dumb situations) played out in slow-motion to a rousing crescendo of dramatic music and wraps it all up in an unprotective plot with the kind of logical holes you could sail a turkey the size of Titanic through. Throw in a ludicrously amount of flag waving patriotism at every possible opportunity to neatly alienate the entire foreign audience, a sluggish pacing, an unnecessary, stunted romantic angle, some hollow morality delivered with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer wielding Jerry Bruckheimer and you've got just part of what makes this awful. There's more, but it's too much more. Return to sender... 4) The English Patient That slow rhythmic elephantine plodding sound you can hear is this sluggish, tiresome, crushingly dull movie crawling infinitesimally slowly to it's resoundingly anti-climactic closure. Beautiful cinematography, a wonderful score, perfect costumery and perfect sets, combined with an expertly crafted plot which, whilst told in flashbacks and incessantly jumping around a lot never once loses it's viewer combined with a copious dollop of hype pretty much conned this movie into a nice clutch of Oscar awards and nominations, but frankly my dears, it's hideously dull. Ralph Fiennes gets shot down in the WWII desert, gets toasted but survives to be cared for by gorgeous nurse Juliette Binoche, whilst Willem Dafoe
prowls around with some kind of grudge against our patient and we flash back to scenes of forbidden romance. Wake me when it's over baby... Oh I'm all for a little pulpy romance a la Gone With The Wind etc. but not when the principal players are so cold, repressed and aloof in flashback that 'romance' comes across as 'coupling/uncoupling' without any real heart or passion. There is so little actual warmth here and the characters (aside from Binoche's nurse) so cold and frankly boring, that it's tough to either empathise or sympathise with them and personally I'd have rather the Nazis just dropped a rather large bomb on them all. The only character to exhibit even the remotest degree of emotion is Binoche and her scenes with a Sikh minesweeper truly smoulder at times, but they aren't the main focus so they're few and far between. Add to this the unbelievably sappy message that war is fought out between those who fail to understand love conquers all and you've got a movie which , although coming in a very pretty package, is ultimately cold and empty with a paperback love story and an over-bloated 160 minutes running time (does anyone use editors these days?) which had me simultaneously reaching for matchsticks to prop up my eyelids and vodka to numb the senses... 5) Dirty Dancing At the risk of being battered by those who inexplicably have come to see this as the ultimate in chick flicks and one of the best movies of all time it's going on my worst and with damn good reason. The infeasibly hetro Patrick Swayze struts his stuff attracting the attentions of the plain looking rich kid Jeniffer Grey. She wants him, he ain't interested until his dancing partner is forced to pull out of an upcoming competition and Grey is a willing stand-in. He coaches her to dance and err, the rest is so bloody obvious I fail to see why anyone would even dream of watching the movie through to the end.
Oh, well you can th row in that Daddy doesn't like his baby hanging around with Swayze too but for reasons so unbelievably contrived, the rest of the movie has to keep taking some bizarre illogical turns to keep the ridiculous ruse going. *sigh* Dirty Dancing is dullsville. Sure the dancing is great, but it's certainly not particularly 'dirty' nor remotely sexy for that matter in my eyes but that is ALL this movie consists of as it quite literally REFUSES to be actually be about anything at all. Reading deep beneath the lines you have a kind of race and class thing going on which is daddy's real reason for forbidding the relationship between Swayze and his daughter but most are going to see it as him not liking Swayze dirty dancing as it buries all this deeply and refuses to do anything but give the merest hints to the real deal. In refusing to be about anything at all it refuses to be anything other than a dance video with some manipulative tosh thrown in with a plot hinged entirely upon coincidence and assumption as it runs through the most obvious of romantic clichés to reach the most obvious of triumph of the underdog conclusions. Ugh! 6) Batman & Robin OK well here's one no one can argue with anyway. It was suggested elsewhere a little while ago that I might like to write a recipe opinion (you know who you are :oP) during a spree of opinionating on microwave junk food so, a little late maybe, let me present you with one my dear. Presenting "Hollywood Turkey" You'll need: One Joel Schumacher (substitute for a Bruckheimer if unavailable) An all star cast, preferably including an Arnold Schwarzeneggar, an Alicia Silverstone, a George Clooney, an Elle MacPherson and an Uma Thurman. (any collection of stars demanding ridiculously large wage packets will do) A multi-million dollar budget An enormously popular franchise with built-in fan-base The creative
juices of a freshly squee zed bunch of media students A generic production team Psychedelic drugs A large canister of Hype spray A large mixing bowl And an over-sized bulging codpiece Take the Joel Schumacher and beat viciously until fully satisfied you have gained payback for movies like "Bad Company" and "8mm" but be careful not to break it because the occasional "Tigerland" is quite useful, then mix this with the multi-million dollar budget. Watch the Schumacher's eyes glaze over. Add the creative juices and allow to stand for a day or two...you'll notice a little activity as the mixture begins to curdle and separate into weak layers of screenplay, plot and script. Sadly "ideas" will be missing, but we don't need those because we've included a built in fan-base in the recipe, so it's OK to ignore trivial issues such as 'ideas' in this case. Now you'll need to add the cast, carefully removing all semblance of talent before doing so, the production team and the psychedelic drugs for use by the set designers, mix thoroughly and place in a movie studio for a few weeks. During this time make sure to spray the hype liberally in all directions and when it all looks ready, remove from the studio, top with drooling fan-base and allow to explode in a violent cacophony of noise, colour and confusion all over the nearest cinema screen. Then rake in the cash because movie-goers never seem to learn. If you like your movies busy then you'll be in heaven with this garish mess of flashy sets and badly edited, messy confusing plot here as comic book characters explode onto the screen, do their thing and explode back off again without ever developing their character or adding anything to the storyline with alarming regularity. Clooney is anaemic as a Batman who comes complete with a rather humorous codpiece now for some reason, O'Donnell a whinging bra
t as Robin, Schwarzennegar swi tches between Terminator and cigar chomping Last Action Hero mode and fails to carry off the most complex character on screen and he along with Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy are the two most boring baddies in the series by a long way and we certainly do NOT need to bloody well add Batgirl into the already overstacked picture as well! It's like the cinematic equivalent of "Where's Wally" with all these bodies taking up screen space! Worse is to come however as Schumacher tries to pretend he's hip, young and vibrant with his directing and comes across about as hip young and vibrant as your dad dancing at a wedding and for some inexplicable reason someone decided that there simply weren't ENOUGH clichés in this movie and decided to shoehorn in some specially created ones for the Batman franchise...wtf?! I take it back. If you try the Hollywood Turkey recipe above make sure to beat the Schumacher for as long and as hard as you are physically able... 7) Hook No movie has traumatised me quite so much as this one. Featuring the very hairy Robin Williams in women's tights and a moustachioed Dustin Hoffman as a psychopathic, meathook wielding Lily Savage wannabee it's guaranteed to psychologically damage it's intended child audience for life! What sick twisted bastard dreamt up this despicably evil movie??? Dunno, but a certain Mr Spielberg sits in the director's chair and manages to bring absolutely nothing worth watching to the screen despite a typically large budget and an all star (well, apart from Bob Hoskins who will work for meths) cast. Peter Pan is all grown up her, a 40 year old man who doesn't remember Neverland and ignores his children in favour of his work. Captain Hook hasn't forgotten though and kidnaps his children to lure him back to Neverland for a rematch...erm that's then entire plot. There is no point to Hook other than to lure in an a
udience who has grown up with Peter Pan - which amounts to pretty much the entire Western world and probably a fair few around the rest of the globe as well...show me the money baby! Spielberg doesn't actually have any ideas to work with here other than sending Peter back to Neverland and the rest is yawnsome filler which inexplicably stretches out to almost two and a half hours long. Featuring some hilariously badly choreographed sword-fighting, huge but cluttered and distinctly unimpressive sets which never once look like anything other than the contents of a movie studio, bunches of orphans who move around as one body as if they've all been glued together, bored looking actors with dollar signs in their eyes and generally nothing good this movie just plain out sucks. Williams tries to inject a little humour into the mess but it's too much for one man to try to lift an entire movie when no one else seems to care as they know the Peter Pan connection will make it an automatic hit anyway. Worse of all for me is the "grab-your-barf-bag" excess of falsely poignant moments and hundreds of morality messages which are rammed down your throat with all the subtlety of...well of a typical Spielberg movie when he allows himself free reign. The unbelievably excessive ending is enough to provoke cross-generational uncontrollable gag reactions as we get ending after ending as character bid their farewells, deliver a morality message, shed tears, pause for something poignant, bid more farewells, throw out some more morality messages and so on until you break down in a jibbering, screaming heap and beg for it to stop. It does eventually of course, but not without leaving deep mental scarring... 8) Freddy Got Fingered Umm, where to begin... Well I suppose you could start with the title which refers to a man buggering his young son which is something we are meant to find hilariously funny... Yes it's gross-out
comedy time again but whilst boundary pu shing is one thing, paedophilia, beastiality and infanticide persented to us as comedy is pretty damn mis-judged! Freddie Got Fingered stars stand up comedian Tom Green (who is funny when on a very tight leash) and is easily the most misguided comedy I think I've ever seen and hopefully ever will see in my lifetime. Bad taste just isn't the word, this is just *wrong* on all counts and I guarantee if you laugh, it will be out of extreme embarrassment that you rented this mess. Erm yes, you'll cry with laugher as Tom swings a newborn baby around his head by it's umbilical cord like a cowboy at a rodeo before slamming it into something hard and unforgiving...wet yourself as he masturbates a horse and then later an elephant to use as a cum gun weapon against his pursuers...howl with uncontrollable mirth as he scrapes up some bloody roadkill animal and then gets inside the skin... I think you get the picture, then add a complete lack of comic timing and I swear, not one single punchline in either the anarchic scenes or the lamebrained script and you've got a mess. Just what the **** was anyone thinking in allowing this to make it to a release stage? I'm surprised they didn't add in a gang rape scene featuring Mother Theresa, Princess Diana and Saddam Hussein to be honest, because the 'comedy' here just couldn't be any more tasteless and misjudged! Add to this a plot which is non-existent, not one single funny line throughout the entire movie, acting which consists of Tom just being 'odd', his father growling and the rest just plain dead from the neck up and there's NO REASON ON EARTH why anyone should even consider checking this movie out. I'd like to say more but I'm trying to strike the experience from my memory... 9) Godzilla "Giant Turkey Trashes New York" Summer blockbusters are invariably crap, but this one
takes the crown for the worst of recent year s. Pairing up director/screenwriter/producer team Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin again (the bastards responsible for Independence Day and Stargate too) we are given a movie which is so devoid of redeeming features that it's impossible to believe so much cash was ploughed into it's production. Think Jurassic Park spliced with Independence Day and a little King Kong and you have Godzilla in a nutshell...but be sure to drain out all the good points of those three movies first. Amazingly, Emmerich manages to make the spectacle of a 300ft lizard stomping Manhattan a seriously ho-hum experience - probably because every time America gets trashed by something it's always Manhattan which gets it from Hollywood so it's nothing new in a "hey, wasn't that destroyed last month?" kinda way. In a nutshell, there's some pseudo-scientific technobabble about radiation and a subsequent clumsy morality message which seeks to explain the occurrence of a gigantic lizard which comes and stamps on a few buildings. Why it would head for the US and attack Manhattan is anyone's guess, but ours is no to reason why, ours is to swallow the hype, prop our eyes open with match sticks and line the pockets of those least deserving. Godzilla is without redeem. It's poorly cast and abysmally - acted although with a script this lame it's unfair to blame anyone but those behind the cameras, cliché-ridden to the point where you frequently question "haven't I seen that in Jurassic Park?", lamebrained, numbskullish, plodding, devoid of ideas or excitement and basically almost embarrassing to let people know you shelled out for a cinema ticket to watch it. It does have a plus point through because it seemed however that movie-goers finally saw through some of the smoke and mirrors tricks spun out by the event-movie jokers each year and stayed away in droves from Godzill
a...and summer event pictures have been somewhat m ore watchable since in my view. :o) 10) Teen Movies Yeah, so I cheated but I couldn't just choose one when they are all so abysmal. This entire genre is packed with nothing but lazy, cannibalistic tripe which serves to do little more than showcase some tight butts and $10,000 smiles whilst luring in a teen audience with softcore porn titillation as a substitute for script, acting, plot or just about anything which might make the movie entertaining. You take a good movie which already been made and transport the setting to a California High School populated by bed-hopping 25 year old actors and actresses pretending to be 18 year old rich kids, add in a lesbian kiss or something else for the teen mags to hype up and slip into the trailer, dumb down the script, remove all semblance of an intelligent plot and splurge onto the nearest cinema screen for sub 18 year olds to take a different date to for a back row grope every single night of the week until the run finishes... I give you the likes of Clueless, She's The One and even Not Another Teen Movie, which in attempting to spoof the genre manages to bring together every last thing which I find so damn annoying about them without adding any kind of humour to the spoofery. The list of movies which all of the above and more applies to is enormous and sadly often seems to act as a springboard for the excruciatingly poor actors who bottom feed around the genre making their way into and trashing more accomplished movie-making later on. My suggestion if you see the words "teen movie" attached to a new release is to read the write ups to find out which far better movie they are ripping off and go rent that one instead. Of course, if we are talking entire genres then horror movie sequels can go in here too as can just about anything which that manipulative, money grabbing and often NOT particularly child-friendly Di
sney studio churns out as well... And the re's more... Last Action Hero Star Wars Episode 1 Battlefield Earth Schindler's List Eyes Wide Shut Eye Of The Beholder What Dreams May Come Joan Of Arc: The Messenger ...anything by Mel Brookes in the last 10 years...anything by Woody Allen EVER.... :o)
Having just penned (or typed) my top ten (or fifteen as it would happen) I got thinking about my bottom ten, luckily there is a category for that too so why don't I share my list with the rest of the world....... Coming in at number 10: Every Breath Well, I have a reputation for picking shit films in the video shop now since I picked this one about 7 or 8 years ago. I can't even remember fully what it was about but it was Judd Nelson and there was something to do with keeping people in boxes underground and filming them dying...... 'nuf said! 9: Eye of the Beholder Two big names, Ewan MacGregor and Ashley Judd, both of whom I normally like. This time at least one of them must have surely spotted that the film was crap. If I remember correctly, and it was so awful that I have blanked it from my head, Ashley Judd was a serial killer or something and Ewan MacGregor was a geeky detective or FBI agent or something and he became infatuated with her. No plot that I could notice, no script, no nothing. Don't call us we'll call you, thank you, next....... 8: Titanic I can sense very person who reads this is going to gasp at that choice, but hey, each to their own! I hated Titanic.... That doesn't mean I didn't cry though (I cry at anything!!). Heap of rubbish....... I can't put my finger on what exactly I hated about it, afterall it's based on a real tragedy but there's just something that annoys me...... apart from that smarmy little Di Caprio chappy. 7: The Beach All I can say is 'eh?' - maybe it was just me but I did not understand the film at all..... and I couldn't be bothered to sit through it again to see if I could follow it. Can't stand the fabulous Leonardo so maybe that contributed........ 6: Austin Powers 1 & 2 In joint position I place the two Austin Powers that I have seen....... Don't think I will even go to see the new one.
Saw both of these in the cinema and nearly walked out during the second one. Didn't smile never mind laugh. I must have a completely different sense of humour to the rest of the world. 5: ET Okay, so I was about 6 the first time this came out and I didn't understand it - all I remember was being really scared at all the tubes coming from the house - I suppose it must have been a containment thing but it really put me off anyway. Maybe one day I will give it a second chance..... 4: The Hudsucker Proxy I only watched it since my sister bought it after seeing Shawshank Redemption and being quite impressed with Tim Robbins. Well, if I had saw this one first I don't think I would ever have watched anything with him ever again....... Just didn't get it!! 3: The Waterboy Loved Adam Sandler in Big Daddy so couldn't wait to see this one but it was awful........ Sorry Adam but if there was a real Room 101 I would dump you in it for only ever making one good movie and one okay one (Little Nicky). 2: Parenthood Excellent cast but the film wasn't that great which is a shame as it had a bit of potential didn't it. Steve Martin, Dianne Weist, Keanu Reeves all good. Next time maybe the writers could come up with something that compliments the actors or something. LASTLY.......DRUM ROLL........ THE CRAPPEST FILM IN THE WORLD EVER.......... L O R D O F T H E R I N G S......... I am sorry Mum, but I hated it, it was too long and after getting a sore back sitting in the cinema (I fell asleep for half an hour as well) for three hours or whatever it was, they didn't even get the ring to the mountain. ( I actually screamed that at the end of the film - Mum was mortified that I should embarrass her like that.....). I have never read the book as it was too thick and looked boring, even although my mum and over half the rest of the population rave about the literary gen
ius that is J R R Tolkein, so it came as a complete shock to me that we had a whole nother two films to sit through before they get the ring to the mountain. Well Mum, you're on your own unless you can get Christine to take you next time........ :0) Damn, I have just realised that I missed Fight Club off the list..... that was okay until the world domination bit and the split personality bit....... okay so that was the whole plot but it still sucked!!
My Top Ten Worse Films! 10) Titanic What a bag of shite!!! All these people have died in a massive tragedy and all they can do is make a love story out of it. Leonardo- the worse actor in the world, cabbage faced tosser. And the soundtrack was terrible. 9) Cable Guy How bad is this film, is Jim Carrey not capable of acting another character, he plays the same character in just about every film. The jokes are really bad and the story even worse. The Only funny bit is when they are in that restaurant having a scrap. And coming to think of it, that’s not really that funny is it. 8) Any Jean Claude Van Damme film ( Mainly Hard Target) Jean “WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT”. Jean Claudes films are the same, they start with a happy family with which one of will be killed hence Jean seeking revenge. These films consist of three parts a beginning middle and an end. The beginning you will see Jean getting pissed off, the middle there will be a few lame fights and at the end Jean will kill about 500 people before getting to the main bad guy and struggling to fight him (because he’s been well beaten up). And have you noticed the only time he winces from pain is when a woman nurses his wounds!!! Not when he gets shot in the arm, or kicked in the teeth. 7) Lake Placid Take a few Celebes, get a massive crocodile the size of two buses and wham bang you’ve got a crap movie. This movie has absolutely nothing new or original about it. Basically it’s the story of a huge crocodile which an old granny has fed too much and it gets over sized and starts killing people. With the same plot as Jaws, or any other animal related action/suspense film, this film was about as interesting and thrilling as watching paint dry. 6) The Beach The book to this film is great, shame about the movie. Everybody knows the plot; its about Leonardo De Capri
o’s character and a few others end up on a paradise island. Basically they have tried to make it surreal, and it just doesn’t work. And in the real story there is no love or sex, which just goes to show that there isn’t much about the film if they have to change the story and put pointless sex scenes in. Overall a boring film with a shite cast. 5) Will Smiths films (Independence Day etc) I don’t quite get the chemistry to these films, they have the same plot- Will Smith plays the hero, there will be some sort helpless women and a sidekick and then an evil bad guy (in independence day it’s the aliens). When these films start its always a happy beginning and then within half an hour some sort of incident will happen, the middle of the film there will be some Charlie Chaplin type antics and a few butt kickings, and then at the end the bad guy/s will get killed by Will and he’ll say some sort of pun and the credits come up. It’s the same everytime just within a different context. 4) Nightmare on Elm Street part 2 Freddies Revenge (Worst of the bunch) I absolutely love Freddy films, except this one that is. I think they tried to hard to make changes in the films. Freddy Krueger the evil dream lurking teen killer takes over a boys body and uses it to kill various people whilst setting his host up for the killings. The result of which ends up in a massive pool party where Freddie (conveniently) turns up for a few slashings. His hosts’ girlfriend then defeats him and the poor young boy comes back out of Fred’s body and everything is okay (In A nutshell). Basically what I didn’t like about this film is there isn’t enough of Freddy himself in it whereas in the other films Freddy appears everytime an unsuspecting teen falls asleep also the charcters really annoy me because they are so forgetful, they don’t seem to be disturbed by the killings of there frie
nds. 3) Texas Chain Saw Massacre This film is a pile of tosh. Despite the rumours I heard about this film it completely let me down. People were telling me about all the blood and guts and to be trueful there isn’t any. TCSM is portrayed very well and the lack of music and sound effects is very disturbing, too disturbing actually- it leaves you cringing. I will admit this film is very well done and I think that is what puts me off. 2) Deuce Bigalow Male Jigalow This film stands for all I hate in a film. The story is about Deuce the fish tank cleaner, who somehow ends up as a male Jigalow. The jokes are repetitive and full of innuendo. The main character makes me want to puke his acting is really bad. Theres not much more I can say about this film, because I tried my hardest to ignore it. 1) The truth about Demons I watched this film about six months ago and it was so bad I can’t remember what happened. Basically there aren’t many demons at all and the director has tried to make it really surreal, he didn’t succeed
Thoughout my years I have seen my fair share of good and bad films, as I find it easy, and fun to take the piss out of crappy things, In no particular order, here are my top ten worst films! The Scorpion King. This is the third film in the Mummy trilogy, and is by far the worst. Firstly, they cast a wrestler for the main part, although Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson may be able to act in the ring he sure can not out of it! His performance is lame to say the least but his fellow cast are also pretty crap. Overall, I have said it once so I will say it again, *Chuck Russell, you should be ashamed, ASHAMED!* The Craft This film was one of the offenders to start the ‘Trendy Horror is cool’ phase in society, luckily this phase is slowly dieing but this damn film will be around forever, It is really corny and after it’s release annoying wanna be witches ran around the streets shouting the annoying quote from the end of the film where Nancy is in a mental institution, which was ‘I’m flying, I’m flying!’ I hate this film now and forever more! She’s All that Firstly, I hate Teen Comedy’s as most of them are very cheesy (and not the good kind of cheesy) this type of cheesy is when a film is soo predictable that you don’t have to watch the rest, The actors can’t act they are only in the film as they make naive teens swoon, thus they make lots of cash! Lastly, in this film anyway, there are stupid guest appearances (Sarah Michelle Geller) they could have easily have cast a nobody for a lot less money!!!! She’s All That falls under all of these categories, Thus I hate it! The whole Scream trilogy! When will people learn! There is horror beyond scream! I hate all of these films, they just annoy me so much because after some who has not seen many, or any horror films sees any of the Scream films the
y automatically think they are a horror fan and also think they are soo cool as they could bear to watch the ‘gruesome’ murders. Also Neve Campbell annoys me as she always has friend, you think that by the second film everyone would steer clear of her but as this is Hollywood she not only has friends but she also has a boyfriend, It’s just wrong, wrong I tells ya wrong! Stuart Little After watching this film for about the hundredth time I finally saw the light, it is annoying, now I root for the stupid Stuart to get eaten of meet with an unfortunate accident, damn mouse! I also hate how Stuart and the cat (the name isn’t important enough to be remembered!) make friends, I’m sorry but in the real world the truth is that that cat would have killed Stuart, now that’s entertainment! Titanic I hate this film for many, many reasons, Firstly it is sooo long, too long to be precise! Also This film was over rated, we all knew what was going to happen (we would see a big ship sink!) but still we flocked to the cinema like cats to catnip, Also, something that really annoyed me about Titanic was that the cinema broke the law, yes you did read me right, BROKE THE LAW! They decided to lower the age of the film so that anyone, who was accompanied by an adult could go see the one, the only, Titanic, this was very annoying because as you were trying to watch the film you could hear the children crying of talking, Titanic was a twelve for a reason, so that you could annoy little kids by telling them what happens! Miss Congeniality Before I saw this sorry excuse for entertainment I didn’t think I would like it, I should have gone with that feeling! This film is annoying because it stars the one and only Sandra Bullock, she really annoys me as she is stupid and ruined murder by numbers, the film should have focused on the murders not stupid Sandra Bullock! Anyway,
also this film is a comedy/romance, one of my most hated genre along with romance as I find these type of films pointless and predictable, Miss Congeniality is a shining example of a predictable film! From Dusk Till Dawn Two: Texas Blood Money What were they thinking! I think that that sentence basically sums up the whole film! Firstly I disliked this film as it is a sequel and as we all know most sequels are cruddy, compared to their predecessor. Also this film had very poor special effects, bad acting and a terrible script. Grease 2 The second sequel on my list, I told you most sequels are crappy! This film is just a petty excuse for a film, The only reason it was made was top try and squeeze every penny they could from the quite enjoyable Grease. This film has a stupid plot, stupid songs and stupid dances, you could say that this film is the symbol of stupid! Armageddon This film is just horrid. I hate it because when ever you watch it with other people they always cry, it’s soo pathetic, I could understand if it was the fist time they had seen the film are they are the sort of person who cries a lot but after the have seen it ten times there is no need for the water works!!! Also, The film is very predictable and they gag the best character for most of the film so we are left with boring characters and a big rock, ohhhh how fun! Other Crap films Coyote Ugly - Where the plot? Pearl Harbour - There is no need for it to be so long! Trendy horror, e.g. Finial Destination, Urban Legends, I could go on! Teen Comedies, e.g. Never Been Kissed, Drive Me Crazy. *This quote is taken from another one of my great reviews on the scorpion King, go read it!
No one enjoys a really good grouch quite like me, so I thought I'd compile my worst ten movies list to let off a bit of steam. Be sure to steer well clear of this lot, I was unfortunate enough to have actually paid to watch them. I hope in my grief at throwing my cash away I can stop some other unsuspecting victims from falling into the same trap. Here they are from 10 to 1 in order of naffness. No.10. SHOWGIRLS: Robocop, total recall, starship troopers and hollow man are just some of the films Paul Verhoeven is responsable for, four half decent films most would say. Showgirls however, isn't, it just shows that even though you are good at something, it doesn't mean that everything you touch will turn to gold. Gina Gershon heads a lame cast about a bunch of (you wouldn't have guessed it would you) showgirls and the troubles they have while making a pornographic play. Various members of the cast encounter problems with their lives which starts to effect the show, blah de blah, what more can I say? Naff acting, corny punch and judy style music and an implausable script, this movie was doomed from the off and was rightly, a massive flop. No.9. CANDYMAN 3 - DAY OF THE DEAD: For those of you who don't remember Clive Barkers classic horror Candyman, then here's a brief reminder of the legend. A few hundred years ago, Daniel Robataille, a black slave fell in love with a white woman. This was not tolerated and the townsfolk beat and tortured him, cut off his hand with a rusty saw and covered his body with honey (hense the name candyman) and then released hundreds of hungry bees to finish him off. Now he has returned, and if you turn off the light, look in a mirror and say Candyman five times he will come for you and your basically dead within seconds. His hand has been replaced by a large razor sharp hook and his chest is a living beehive. The first movie was excellent the second, direct
ed by Bill Condon (DON not DOM) was very mediocre and the third directed by Turi Meyer is just garbage. Tony Todd who plays the candyman(excellently), has stayed loyal to the films reprising his role for the second time. But the film also stars Donna D'errico an ex glamour model, who has to be the worlds worst actress and totally spoils the film. I couldn't get into the story at all because of how wooden and pathetic her acting is, I found it hard to concentrate on the film and couldn't take it seriously. Sure, she's sexy and sure, she has perfectly formed and absolutely huge breasts but is that all you need to make it in hollywood these days? This film needs to be remade using a different actress and then I could give it a more positive review. NO.8. ANYTHING BY WOODY ALLAN: Sorry, I know this isn't a specific film but I can not understand why so many people find his films funny. You see them in the tv ratings guide all the time grabbing five stars, wonderfully funny, engrosing, riotous and imaginative.(Yeah right) Alice, bullets over broadway, everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask and mighty aphrodite are just some of this geeky looking spuds films, that he always stars in and always ends up with a beautiful woman. I mean, c'mon, what does he take us for? The guy looks like a 70 year old version of Harry Potter, what drop dead gorgeous woman could honestly find him attractive? His films are boring, slow and about as humourous as a trip to the dentist. Anyone fancy starting up an anti woody protest? NO.7. FOUST - LOVE OF THE DAMMED: I first heard of this film on a movie trailer where they boast that faust won a sunrise or sommat like that, award for best special effects. The trailer looked fairly cool so off I went the net day to grab a copy from the vid shop. Gee Whizz, was I in for a surprise. The movie stars Andrew Divoff, who last played the
wishmaster in wes cravens so so horror. And to be honest I had trouble even understanding what the film was about. Some Joe Bloggs has his family murdered and tries to kill himself. Enter the gruff voiced Divoff who asks him to sign a contract swapping his immortal soul for the power of vengeance which he does. And with two weird shaped blades strapped to his arms and a red cloak and dodgy make up, Faust is born and for the rest of the movie he goes around jumping through windows slicing and dicing everyone he meets. The ending is absolutley ludicrous and the soundtrack is constant Really HEAVY METAL, which after the first ten minutes or so did my bloody head in. It was directed by Bryan Yuzna who also made some more dodgy films a while ago, that I only found out about after watching this one. Namely, Mutronics and re animator 2. In a word Crap! NO.6. GUEST HOUSE PARADISO: Anyone remember the tv series Bottom staring Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson? Well this is the big screen version of that, Great I hear you say, bound to full of laughs. Not at all, Richie and Eddie are running a hotel and kick ten bells of crap out of each other for the first hour of the film for no apparent reason. (The only funny part being the kitchen fight scene where they smash each other in the face with coffee pots and fire extinguishers and slam each others heads in the fridge door). Daft but amusing. Anyway, they accidentally poison all the hotel guests and the back end of the film consists of twenty people opening and shutting their room doors and throwing up all over the place. Richie and Eddie are totally covered in the stuff and as there is so much puke everywhere, it wells up into a big green ball and chases them down the stairs(totally ludicrous). I cant believe Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson had anything to do with the script and general production of this movie, but sadly they did. Terrible waste. NO.5. BOYZ N
THE HOOD: Now I'll probably get bad ratings about this, because lots of people actually love this film, directed by Spike Lee and staring the likes of, the excellent Cuba Gooding Jr, and Morpheus himself Lawrence Fishburne. But I have to say, I can't stand the film, all it seems to be is a group of young black Americans sitting on a doorstep for two hours talking about drugs and women. They delve back into their childhoods and talk some more, then when they do actually move off of the doorstep they go to a barbie and talk some more. Instead of talking why couldn't they have been actually doing something, like, ANYTHING...It would've been so much more interesting. I'm not a fan of spike lee movies as they always seem to be slow paced and contain the same dialogue. But many people are and for those of you reading this, I appologise, but this film stinks. NO.4. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: Well, this was bulled up to be a massive summer blockbuster and failed miserably. It stars the likes of Jeremy Irons(die hard 3), Bruce Payne (pasenger 57), Marlon Wayans(scary movie 1+2) and Thora Birch (american beauty) and is directed by first time director Courtney Soloman. The film is based on the playstation game of the same name but is very poorly made. The script is abysmal and hard to swallow and the usually reliable cast all give below par performances. The special effects for the dragons and various other monsters in the movie are, for a big screen hollywood film, poor to say the least and even the background scenarios are very cardboard looking. It is supposed to be about a group of teenagers trying to stop an evil wizard and all of his nasties from gaining control over red dragons which, as it stands are uncontrolable. But if a special staff is obtained then this can be used to domesticate them and the world would be yours. The script has more holes than a pair of mr beans socks and even a cameo appearanc
e from Richard O'Brian (the bald guy from tv's crystal maze) can't inject any life into this dreaful piece of cinema, avoid. NO.3. D.N.A: If you were unlucky enough to see this on channel 5 a couple of months ago, then spare a thought for poor old me. I was unlucky enough to rent it out on video last year. To think, it actually cost me money to watch it. The movie stars Mr cornball himself, Mark Dacascos (always in crap films) and Jurgen Prochnow, It's about a group of scientists who use alien DNA found in a cave to make themselves a monster in a hidden jungle laboratory. All hell breaks loose when, surprise, surprise, it escapes. Not only is it stronger and faster that man but it can camourflage itself as well. This film is a joke, The script reeks of movies like Alien and Predator, but the film is very poorly put together, the special effects are grim and the acting is overdone, bigtime. Dire. NO.2. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE: I know this was released in the 70s but it was given the digital touch and re released last year. In many respects, this film is classed as a cult classic. Why, I have no idea. Stanley Kubrick, who made the film has always been a little on the contravercial side, just look at some of his other offerings like, the shining and full metal jacket and the new colaboration with steven spielberg A.I. But this movie is just psycotic, it's absolutely loony tunes. Gangs of freaky costume clad teenagers led by a young Malcolm Macdowall, going for drinks of milk in a weirdo bar and then setting out to mame and kill innocent people. I mean, I do enjoy a nice bit of violence in movies but chasing a poor woman round her living room with a giant pot penis before using it as a weapon for clubbing her to death, is a touch much. The style of the film is so strange and alien that it makes you feel claustrophobic and gagging for it to end. There is a moral, at least that it is wrong t
o do harm to other human beings, but the way in which it is put across is disturbing. The soundtrack too is all classical mozart and bach which, doesnt go to someone being violenly beaten up or murdered. It took me a few days to recover after watching this I can tell you, never again. NO.1. ARACHNID: Well, what more can I say? I have submitted this to Dooyoo so I can tell you all about it, watch this space... Worst film of all time Ugh! the thought. Thanks for the read. DEANO!
As many of you may have gathered I am a film fanatic. I am always going out and buying films, I just can’t help myself. Any way I have made a list of my top ten worst films ever, you may not agree but I feel that all of my choices are really bad films in some way or another. 10) The Mexican 2001. This film stars Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt, It does start off all right but it drags on and you lose interest very quickly. In my opinion this is one of Julia’s worst performances ever and Brads for that matter. 9) The Beach 1999. Leonardo Dicaprio is one of the main characters in this film, when it was first released at the cinema I thought that I was in for a treat but I was wrongly mistaken. I found this to be really good to start with but it suddenly turned really stupid near the end. 8)Simply Irresistible 1999. This is one of Sarah Michelle Geller’s first attempts; I thought that I was ridiculous and really corny. I would strongly advise anyone who has not seen it to stay well away. 7) Billy Elliot 2001. I cannot honesty say this was rubbish; I just think that it isn’t my type of film so I lost interest rapidly. I also feel that most people would like this as it stars Julie Walters. 6) Stuart Little 1999. Well what can I say, what pleasure doe’s anyone get out of watch rubbish like this. A part from kids I think that most children would watch this over and over again. 5) The Haunting 2000. Well in all of the first reviews for this was meant to be a scary/horror film. I don’t know who reviewed this but all I can say is they must not have watched it. I thought this was an awful film and it did not do Catharine Zeta Jones any justice. 4) House on a haunted hill 1999. This was also an appalling film; it was almost the same as the haunting, so that’s why it is in my top ten worst films. 3) The Faculty. This is so che
esy, I was really mad when I forked out fifteen pounds for this film. I like my films to be believable but this was nothing of the sort. 2) Drop Dead Gorgeous 1999. With Kristy Alley (look who’s talking) and Kirsten Dunst (Spiderman), this is about a high school beauty pageant, Kristy Alley is desperate for her daughter to win, so desperate she blows all of the other contests up. I know it sounds corny, but honestly it is this bad. 1) A letter from death row 1999. This is an all time low for all moviegoers; you are at complete boredom within the first five minutes. This is not a lie and I dare any of you out there to watch it, just so I can have someone to share the same torment I was subjected to when I watched this. Well there you have it my top ten WORST films ever. Thank you for reading bubbles.:O)
Now let me stress this very clearly, these are merely my opinons on films I have personally disliked for whatever reason. If you like any of them then good for you, you managed to take something out of them that I simply couldn't. I have no doubt that some of my favourite films are disliked by many.... if we all liked the same thing it would be a very boring world! Anyway on we go, in no particular order..... 1) Mad Dogs and Englishmen - Imagine the scene - 4 teenage boys trying to decide what to see at the pictures.... "what about Mad Dogs and Englishmen? Apparently Liz Hurley gets her puppies out"... now this is never the best way to pick a film, but as promised she did indeed get her "puppies" out, but it was in the midst of a "drug running in London" shambles of a film. Bad acting, bad scrip, bad, bad, bad 2) Hard Rain - One of the few films I've actually switched off. Complete and utter tosh and I don't understand how it happened. You have Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater and Minnie Driver in a huge flood with an armoured car heist. Sounds like a good start but someone forgot about a scrip along the way. 3)Saving Private Ryan - "What?! you can't be serious!" I hear you all cry in the manner of the famous tennis playing hothead. I appreciate that the first 30 minutes or so are pretty breathtaking, but unfortunately after that it goes all pants and "America sves the world". After the first 30 minutes of effects hte film has a very flimsy story and a lot of Tom Hanks with his shaking hand, he might as well be saying "Please, please, please give me another Oscar, look see my shaking hand. Oh go on" As I said just personal opinion and I didn't like this one little bit. 4) Star Wars Episode 1 - Again a possible contoversial choice but for me Jar Jar Binx was just too annoying. 5)Spaceballs - I totally HATED this film. I saw it years ago when it
first came out and just didn't think it was funny at all. I'm not a huge fan of Mel Brooks in the best of circumstances .... I dunno maybe it's too low brow!! 6)Big Mommas House - Made it through about 5 minutes of the film (including the title credits) before I had to switch over. When was this ever a good idea?? what were they thinking, no really what were they thinking? Were the execs who gave this idea the green light on drugs? Shame on you Martin Lawrence, shame on you! 7)Stigmata - Again could have been so much better, but lacked any kind of suspense, drama, emotion.... basically just poor... 8) Get Carter (2000) - See reveiw titled Why sly, why. That really says it all.... why on earth did Sly think it was a good idea to remake a Michael Caine classic (haven't personally seen the original, but it's always raved about) and take Michael Caines part of Carter. He does have an amusing silve shiny suit in it though... 9)Showgirls - It truly is awful... Bad, bad acting, poor script, poor casting need I go on? Stick to the Sci-fi films Paul.... 10)Boxing Helena - What a daft film. Makes very little sense and is generally of the same school as Showgirls - Bad, bad, bad... So there you go, my personal top 10 "would rather watch paint dry than these" films. I'm sure there are worse films out there and when I happen upon them I may well update this......
Ummm....no way to introduce this really, apart from to say that I absolutely hate every single film on this list. Every single one of them angers me, and is like nails down the blackboard of my soul. I'm certain that some of you out there will disagree with me at least once, and feel free to vent at me. I'll deal. AMERICAN BEAUTY: This film really, really rubbed me up the wrong way. I can't recall ever seeing a film so preachy and patronising film as this (with one possible exception listed below). The whole affair was smug, glossy and so hideously safe. It had nothing new to offer, just a bunch of simpering platitudes, all wrapped up in a package that just screams ‘Hey! Look at me! Empathise with me!' The characters are completely one dimensional (just check out the brilliant, panto villain next door neighbour....hey! he's a military guy! hey! he hates homosexuals! hey! do you think maybe he could actually be a repressed homosexual himself?). Kevin Spacey just leers his way through the film, smug in the knowledge that the clichéd script is doing all the work for him. This film has absolutely nothing new to say about the human condition, no matter how hard it tries to fool the viewer. Really, I could go on all day about the theatrical direction, the horrifyingly disney message it tries to force down our throats, but I got other fish to fry. I know that a lot of people like this film, but I won't apologise for despising it. One of my friends, this girl, she loves it so much, she keeps drawing pictures of Wes Bentley from it. She's strange. FORREST GUMP: Damn you, Hanks. Like the piece of trash detailed above, this is another piece of American propaganda cinema that patronises the viewer and smothers the intellect with a foul smelling blanket of rancid empathy. Hey, let's listen to Gump's teachings on life! Let's take a rambling journey through Americana, rewriting history and making everything seem ok. After all, if Forrest can do it,
surely we can too? Extra hate points for this film for the fact that he doesn't die at the end, and the complete travesty that this waste of celluloid beat LA confidential at the Oscars, thus forever ending their credibility as awards for cinematic excellence. TROLL 2: The first Troll film was amusing enough....to be sure, it was in no danger at all of being a good film, but still, y'know...for kids. Seeing Sonny Bono turn into a plant shouldn't be undervalued either. But the sequel....my god. The effects are the worst I have ever seen, the nonsensical plotting slower than a dead snail and the acting pretty much defies description. Even fans of bad films will find nothing to enjoy here. This film is devoid of everything, just completely devoid. JACK FROST 2: It's hard to describe exactly how cheated me and my buddies felt after renting this. The first one was terrible but amusing (a killer snowman, who is quite literally "Chilling....and killing"). It was cheap, but cheerful. The sequel...I shudder as I am forced to recall the horror....it's filmed on video, with a cast of non-actors, and no budget. I have never seen anything so lazily or cheaply made, utterly without talent. This film is a black hole for all that that is good and decent in the world. The only good thing here is that despite the fact that the box boasts a running time of nearly 90 minutes, this piece of sh*t clicks in at just under an hour. WOLF: I’m not a huge jack Nicholson fan, I’ll say that from the start, but the guy has put in some decent time in the horror genre. Wolf unfortunately was one of the wretched 90s series of OAP horror films, which tried to give the genre a facelift of respectability by making them slower, gore free and boring. What is the point of a werewolf flick without any kind of rampage? I don't care if jack thinks he can get into the head of what its like to be a werewolf, or that he can do the part with minimal makeup ef
fects. I don't care about his angst or spiritual pain at becoming a monster, unless he's going to do something about it by biting someone. I was bored to death watching this, and I’m sure that any true horror fan would feel the same. GOODFELLAS: I have chosen this non-classic as the prime example of why I hate all of marty scorcese's films. It's slow, incredibly theatrical and static, and it has an overbearing sense of its own coolness and style. This film is all like- hey! Swish! look at me, ma! I’m a gangster! I just didn't buy it. All of the craggy faced actors like de niro and pesci, going through the motions for ol' uncle marty, looking like 'hey, we're solemn, we're soulful, but we have to commit these acts of violence....and by the way, aren't our suits sharp?". Gah. No, this slow, full film really sticks in my craw. There are some great gangster epics out there, like 'Scarface', 'The Godfather' and 'The King of New York'. This dreadful, insignificant little film is somewhere down there with 'The last don' or 'Jane Austen's Mafia'. THE DEVIL'S OWN/THE JACKAL: I have chosen these films as the utterly infuriate me for their portrayals of IRA terrorists as cuddly, noble human beings who are ok guys, just doing what they have to do. I'm not saying they should be portrayed as pantomime monsters in films, but the characters in these films seem to have walked straight out of heroic westerns, misunderstood freedom fighters. This is Hollywood at its worst. Altering history for entertainment is on thing, but to cash in on a serious matter that they have no clue about is just plain wrong. Its lazy filmmaking as much as anything. The end of 'the jackal', when sidney poiter let gere go so that he could go back and continue the fight just made me want to smash up the video tape. These films are just offensive. MAC AND ME: This has to make you sick. An ET clone from the 80s, which was funded partly by MacDo***ds, and was m
ade purely as a marketing exercise. They literally lift the complete plot from Spielberg's classic and work the marketing around it. I have read that in the original script, written by some in house hack, the cute alien went around throwing burgers to the kids. Just look at the title! Luckily, the film turned out to be a complete and utter dog, badly made, and with a creepy alien thing that was more likely to send kids running screaming to burger king. Sadly, since the failure of this film, the corporations have learned to be more subtle, working their products around the films, insidious, almost subliminal advertising like the evil campaign of coca c**a with the new Harry Potter film. What a world we live in. PATCH ADAMS: Again, this could be any one of the nauseating Robin Williams Emotes series, which includes (shudder) Jack, Jakob the liar and what dreams may come to name but a few of the offenders. The guy can act, the guy can be funny, so why does he feel the need to make these horrifyingly sugary films of emotional soft porn? Its almost like he's daring the audience to hate him, like he's pushing us a little further each time. It's not even like any of these nightmares enjoy any critical or commercial success? So why, for god's sake, really, honestly, why? This guy used to be good. He used to be great, this is the guy who made an animated disney film funny. But now, Robin Williams is dead to me. BATMAN AND ROBIN: Technically, this is the worst film of all time. It’s really barely a film, just a vaguely connected series of scenes, all of which resemble either music videos or adverts. Really, this is film making by numbers that feels eerily like being on bad acid. It almost seems like the script is improvised.....every single like arnie comes out with is a one liner, and most of them are pretty bad, even by his low standards.....'Freeze, bird boy !'....'You’re not sending me to the cooler!'. It goes on and on and on....no-o
ne is without blame in this film. Seriously, this is so close to not being a film; it verges on being a surrealistic art house flick, an ironic statement on Hollywood blockbusters. You never know, stranger things have happened....like Gump winning at the Oscars. Anyways, rant over. Go right ahead and disagree.
There is no great skill in taking the piss out of ‘Blood Feast’, or ‘The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies’. If you have no talent, and no money, you’re not going to make a good movie; it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t seem really worthwhile to list such clinkers; some people love them, most people don’t, but it’s pointless to dwell on them. When considered the worst, I wanted to talk about proper films, with name actors and competent technicians behind them, which ought to have been at least watchable. So in no particular order…. Gone With The Wind Most controversial choice perhaps, and maybe unfair to rip it shreds given that it was made sixty-odd years ago, but this is awful. There is no reason why these revolting, silly people deserve nearly four hours of your time, and the catalogue of dodgy content should be enough to cast it into obscurity - awful sexual politics (when Rhett forces himself on Scarlett, she digs it), naked racism (all of the black characters are dreadful stereotypes) and a totally bizarre notion of history (we got it all wrong, we should have been sympathising with the slave-owning snobs who lost the civil war, how silly of us). It’s endless and stupid. Next! The Phantom Menace / Return of the Jedi The most ludicrously boring, mind-numbingly poor blockbuster of its decade, just take your pick which decade. They’re like mirror images of each other, a seamless continuation of cack. ‘Phantom Menace’ is set years before the original ‘Star Wars’, but the technology is nevertheless obviously far in advance, with robot armies and amazing spacecraft. The best character in either film (Darth Maul in ‘Menace’, and Darth Vader in ‘Jedi’) is sidelined, the worst (Anakin Skywalker, a wooden momma’s boy, and Luke Skywalker, a nerd who can’t act) is central, an
d superb actors (Liam Neeson, Ewan MacGregor, Harrison Ford) are visibly embarrassed at their lines. ‘Menace’ is about a trade dispute (ooohh, fascinating) and parts of it are senseless (the identity of Darth Sidious is mystifyingly kept in doubt, when if you’ve seen any of the other movies, you know who it is). ‘Jedi’ is just a rerun of ‘Star Wars’, except with Teddy Bear armies. The patronising foolishness evident in the conception of JarJar Binks is mirrored in the horrible, sentimental Ewoks. About the only interesting question about the Ewoks was posed by a Time Out reviewer - what do they taste like? Both films make the action stultifying, and have colouring book characters. They had all the time and money in the world - and both are stinkers. Doctor Dolittle Not the Eddie Murphy film, which is fun in its own way, but the relentlessly fatuous sixties musical with absolutely dismal songs, and Rex Harrison strutting through the centre doing that not-singing which didn’t work in ‘My Fair Lady’ any more than it works here. The sets and costumes are terrible, the pacing is awful - it never seems to end - and in the end all the money and the excess comes to nothing. It was in part due to the horrors of this film and the system that created it that Peter Fonda started work on something stripped down and bare bones - ‘Easy Rider’. Xanadu It’s this sort of film that could almost persuade you that watching bad films is fun - after all, everything about ‘Xanadu’ is so compelling in its awfulness that you feel the need to expose yourself to it. Olivia Newton John, possibly the least charismatic singer in the world, plays one of the Greek Muses (now, I can buy Rita Hayworth as a muse in ‘Down to Earth’, but not this) who comes to sing disco pap to inspire some bloke whose singing voice was dubbed by Cliff Richard. Songs courtesy of Jeff
‘ELO’ Lynne (and it shows), Gene Kelly looking like he’s about 106, and a crap, meaningless ending (re-used for ‘Bedazzled’). Hook If anyone can tell me a single good thing about this film, I will be astonished. Boring and revolting by turns, with an astonishing cast reduced to flapping about in crap costumes and crap sets. There is even a cameo from Phil Collins. Words fail me. Toys Much as it pains me, two of the worst films I have ever seen star Mr Robin Williams. That he is a talented actor and a very funny man makes their inclusion here even more appropriate. Not many people have probably seen this agonising, vastly expensive Tim Burton rip-off, with a cast that includes LL Cool J, Michael Gambon and Donald O’Connor, who sensibly dies in the first quarter of an hour. Full of absolute claptrap about how kids should be playing with proper toys and not being brainwashed by violent computer games (guess what the kids were doing when they could have been watching this), it’s tendentious, sentimental mush. Caligula A script by Gore Vidal, a subject who is among the most fascinating of historical figures (the story forms part of Robert Graves’ book ‘I Claudius’), and a cast including Malcolm MacDowell, John Gielgud and Peter O’Toole. One problem: the nightmare creative combination of the producer and director. Penthouse magnate Bob Guccione hired Italian nutjob Tinto Brass to make a saucy epic, and good old Tinto decided to make the most dry, cold, arty nosebleed of a film he possibly could. Slightly miffed, Guccione then bought him out, and cut in random sequences of Penthouse pets doing various hardcore things. Whether you see the original release version or the restored one that is more like Brass’ vision, it’s more like being tortured than entertained. Twilight Zone: The Movie Only the last section is wholly successful, with George Mi
ller’s brilliantly directed story, starring a marvellously twitchy John Lithgow, about a plane-fearing neurotic who spots a monster on the aircraft’s wing. Spielberg’s segment is excruciating, Joe Dante’s feels contaminated by Spielberg, but the reason why this is one of the worst films ever made is John Landis’ opening sequence. You may or may not know, but the actor Vic Morrow was killed, along with two children, when a stunt went wrong and a helicopter fell on them. It’s rumoured that Landis ignored safety recommendations, and was largely responsible for the deaths (though he was acquitted in court). Few movies are worth dying for, but ordinary Hollywood pap has no right to take lives. Spiceworld Yes, I’m breaking my own rule, there is no reason on Earth why this ghastly film should have been anything other than ghastly, but nevertheless, now that the Spices have begun to slip beneath the surface of the pop music swamp (never, one hopes, to surface), it’s perhaps worth remembering that this spectacularly dreadful movie was actually profitable a few years ago. A competent comedy director (Bob ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ Spiers), a genuinely talented actor in support (Richard E. Grant, in a role that would now be played by Alan Cumming if this was Atomic Kitten instead), and yet, it really is awful. Cameos from Dame Elton John, a sizeable part for orgy-loving TV favourite Michael Barrymore, and the girls themselves, as charmless and wooden a group of Essex girls as you could hope to meet. You can imagine that what they were aiming for was ‘A Hard Days Night’ with Wonderbras, but the effect is more like a spell in a jail cell with refugees from a hen night. Also-rans Pearl Harbor Coneheads Moonwalker Lifeforce Intimacy
In no particular order, here are some possibly controversial choices that I would be interested to hear opinions on. These are not the worst movies, but definitely bad that somehow got box office appeal. THE PHANTOM MENACE Unbelievably, this load of nonsense got into a top twenty all time great films list. Awful script, shallow chacters, terribly editing and direction. If for one moment you forget that this is Star Wars film then you realise what rubbish it really is. If you reckon that it is a kids movie then I would reply that doesn't mean it has to be bad. Shrek, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid and George of the Jungle are all enjoyable kids movies. George Lucas needs to understand that special effects and light sabres do not replace a good script, characters and direction. Oh and thanks for Jar Jar Binks. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT I almost slipped into a coma watching this junk. Devoid of script, atmosphere, and featuring probably the most annoying female ever in cinema. Unsurprisingly it has disappeared from the video shelves and not without good reason. This is vapid gimmickry and not particularly good gimickry at that. Avoid like the plague. THE JACKAL Woeful miscasting of both Bruce Willis and Richard Gere in this sandalous remake of a classic, The Day of the Jackal. Devoid of tension or exitement and a total dud. THE MATRIX See my previous review for a full explanation but it suffices to say that dark glasses, black trenchcoats and Lawrence Fishbourne quoting cliches galore do not a film make. The special effects don't save this rubbish either. It desperately needed a good script and a non-derivative storyline with decent characters. Superficial tosh for the masses. THE SIXTH SENSE A huge box office success and I can't for the life of me work out why. Bruce Willis wondering around looking perplexed and I can understand that. This film plods along n
ot really going anywhere and not really saying anything, no wonder Bruce is confused. As I am by the casting of him. The boy is fantastic but that is the only redeeming feature of this movie and by the time the twist arrives you'll not even care. GHOST An absolute turkey and an undercooked one at that. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore head this cast of has beens through a schmaltzy tedious tale. Whoopi Goodberg offers the only relief and looked what's happened to her. The rest of this is total nonsense from story, script, to acting and direction. Don'r ever go there. UNBREAKABLE For all my comments about The Sixth Sense, they all apply to Unbreakable except the kid in it is not as good but the story is marginally better. Otherwise much of the same plodding pace and Willis struggling to act. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE Call me unromantic but surely we can do better than this. Love stories don't necessarily need to be cheesy and formulaic but unfortunately this one is in great quantity. Cardboard cut out characters and by the numbers acting in a pitifully shallow film. Romance films do come much better than this, all you have to do is look. PRETTY WOMAN This film has a lot to answer for. Not only is it predictable, boring and improbable, it also is responsible for inflicting Julia Roberts on the world. An actress who has minimal talent and somehow despite starring in several other turkeys, namely, My Best Friend's Wedding and Mary Riley, still manages to keep reappearing on our screens, why can't she follow her sister in bad-acting crime Demi Moore. Back to Pretty Woman, this film has absolutely nothing to endear it except the old old Cinderella formula which I hoped would not be repeated. THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR Maybe a controversial choice but incredibly overrrated. The start is contrived to attach Rene Russo(looking very old), to Pierce Brosnan, then from that p
oint on we have over an hour of an advert for being rich. Rene gets whisked away to glorious locations, goes gliding and gets the knickers romanced off her. We get an obligatory half hour at the end to resolve the story but otherwise this is lazy filmmaking at its best. The actors dont have to break sweat and the direction and pace is cumbersome at best. They managed to remake a bad film and made it even worse. A really tedious picture. So there you have it. Not the ten worst films ever, but definitely the ten most overrated I can think of.
I could not have said it better myself, so here it is - my definitive guide to the Top 10 Worst movies ever made. Before I start my lunatic ravings, I would like to let you know that I have seen all of these films, and really, really can't stand the thought of watching them ever again. > Number 10 - Galaxy Quest Just beating 'Predator', 'Death Race 2000' and 'Julien Donky Boy' for a place in the Top 10, 'Galaxy Quest' is possibly the most pathetic film ever made. It features the marvellous talents of Tim Allen as the captain of a spaceship in a TV series. Along with the crew of the ship he is abducted by aliens - who have based their entire way of life on the series and need Timmy to save them all. This film is crap. Take my word for it. > Number 9 - Nowhere to Run Though Nowhere to Run is Van Damme's worst attempt at a film, I feel number 9 should be expanded to include everything he has ever done. It is difficult to distinguish between his films - they all feature him kicking people, spinning around and stuff, and very little else. Imagine Die Hard without Bruce Willis and with no decent criminals, and you'll be on the right tracks. (And I really hate Double Impact too). > Number 8 - Meet the Feebles Peter Jackson is a king. Braindead is one of the best films ever recorded. It has more blood than any other film ever made. And a lawnmower. And a psycho baby. Meet the Feebles has none of these. It has muppets. Ok, yes, they are twisted, disgustingly sick muppets. But they are still muppets. There is no plot to speak of. If you ever think about watching this film, slap yourself and then rent BRAINDEAD. Seriously. > Number 7 - The Piano Thankyou to da_musicman, who also has an op in this category. I read through his op and remembered just how dull the Piano really is. It can't be said enough - there is nothing interesting or entertaining about this f
ilm, except maybe when that woman has her fingers cut off. But that's why it's at 7 and not 1. > Number 6 - The Saint Much like The Avengers, The Saint took the idea behind a great classic series and mutilated it, twisting it into an unwatchable flop. Val Kilmer, to his credit, isn't bad, but is way off his best, and the script hardly gave him much to work with. I hope that future versions of old classic series change the trend. > Number 5 - Blues Brothers 2000 I loved Blues Brothers. Jake and Elwood Blues are without doubt the two coolest characters ever created for the big screen. However, Blues Brothers 2000 missed out on every single little thing that made Blues Brothers what it was. It was almost a carbon copy, minus the plot, script and characters. Elwood wasn't nearly as cool, Jake wasn't in it (John Belushi died before it was made) and John Goodman wasn't nearly up to the standard he is capable of. Watching this film will ruin your impression of the Blues Brothers for ever. It should be avoided like Black Death. > Number 4 - The General Most people have heard of Kevin Spacey, and seen him in his best roles (Se7en, Usual Suspects, LA Confidential etc). Most people even know he starred in a film recently called Ordinary Decent Criminal. Most people hated it. But it is based on a film called The General. Which is much, much worse. It is dire. It is Ordinary Decent Criminal put through a blender. Rent Ordinary Decent Criminal by all means, but don't let the video shop guys convince you to rent The General. They convinced me to, and now I am certain they are evil. > Number 3 - Speed 2 There are about a billion things that irritate me about this film. Everyone has seen Speed - it's not bad. It's not great either, and this is where I get confused. Take an average film, with average acting and a bad plot. Take that film, remove what little talent there is, cha
nge a few words of the script and swap a bus for a boat. Then film it badly, with bad effects and what do you have? Speed 2. Complete rubbish. > Number 2 - Titanic You either love it or hate it. I hate it. Never in history has such an over-rated film come to the attention of so many people. People claim it has 'changed their lives'. Damn right, it has warped them hideously. I've watched it, and can say, without a shadow of doubt, that this film has nothing at all to offer. There are NO plus sides to it. It is rubbish. If you haven't seen it yet, you are one of the luckiest people alive. If you own a copy on video, I urge you to please burn it, if not for me then for the good of the nation. > Number 1 - The House of Usher The single most unwatchable pile of rubbish ever put onto film has to be, without a shadow of doubt, The House of Usher. I love horror movies, even the old ones that simply aren't scary these days, but this is trash. Billed as a horror, there is simply no attempt at suspense, surprise or any semblance of a plot. Almost every film has something that makes it watchable. The House of Usher has nothing. If you asked me to choose between watching The House of Usher again and stabbing myself in the crotch with a pair of scissors for two hours, the scissors would win. So there it is. Pain and suffering readily available from any local video shop. Ladies and Gentlemen, please beware - films like these are everywhere. You may even be preparing to watch one now. Go and live in a cave, with no TV or video - it's much much safer in the long run.