When you become nuts about nuts and other issues. (My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks)

Member Name: thriftyminx13

Product:	My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Date:	17/01/09 (162 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: There is help out there and it will get better.

Disadvantages: It's a long, slow path.

I wish I had found this website whenever I first experienced panic attacks.

Often a taboo topic it isn't until you experience for yourself what anxiety and a panic attack is like that you can really empathise with fellow suffers.

Background
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I was a very happy person with the normal up and downs and was known as a bit of a mad thing, loving to go out drinking, socialising and I lived for my family and friends. After university I found work in a lab working with sewage samples - it really wsn't that bad and my immune system was fantastic. The work often involved preparing chemicals which was fine, I had no problem.

When my job changed and I was moved to a next section I was using stronger chemicals, chloroform was one, and all those
nasty chemicals that they tell you to stay away from. It was fine, I liked my work, my colleagues were lovely and I was away from sewage. One day I inhaled some of the chemicals and couldn't breathe. I actually could taste the chemical I was swallowing. Fear gripped me. I wasn't prepared. Somehow I got outside, my instinct took over. Despite my protests I was taken to hospital and rushed through A and E. I was put on oxygen and sent home.

Since that day my life changed forever.

I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. When I walked I'd get out of breath and this was when I first had
my panic attack, simply walking. I didn't know what was happening. I thought my number was up, the look in my eyes must have been manic as I pleaded with my boyfriend with my eyes to help but I couldn't speak consumed by the panic and unable to regulate my breathing.

The next day I went to work as normal, I didn't realise I could have had time off. I went to the work doctor and he laughed at my fears that the stuff I had inhaled was going to give me cancer and kill me slowly and painfully. That smirk has haunted me. I fear doctors can take the condition too lightly. The stuff I inhaled was carcenogenic and mutagenic. I feared any children I would have would be deformed.

It was awful I couldn't carry on my duties, crying having frequent daily attacks that left me pushing people away as I couldn't cope
with them and trying to breathe. I felt I was going to die, or I was going to go crazy trying to breathe. I had to leave my job. It was awful I was embarrassed that I couldn't get past this.

Medical side
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The hospital I believe didn't explain or check me out fully. They didn't know what the chemical was and got it wrong a couple of times. I think this also contributed to the panic attacks, what if they missed something.

My GP gave me an echiogram and did blood tests. He was very good and thorough. Unfortunately he was where my parents lived. I had moved house 2 years before, but hadn't needed the doctor, probably due to the super immune system from the sewage samples! I got a local GP and told himI was losing my mind. Soon after I developed an infection and was given an antibiotic as I was due to be in Paris (booked prior to accident). I took it in Paris and immediately thought I was having an allergic reaction. I could feel my cheeks going red and itchy. I thought that it had conflicted with the chemical I had inhaled and I had posioned myself. This was to haunt me for many years, the idea of taking medicines or using several cosmetic products on my face would interact and make me worse. In Paris the worse thing that happened but the most memorable for the wrong reasons was a panic attack in the Louvre. It was awful all those people and so far from the exit. It was panic personified.

After this incident I got counselling through work (different department - admin) and then started with a trauma councellor.
After one session with her she re-scheduled for a month later. However, in this time she left and it was another year before I'd get professional help.

During this time my panic attacks became a "moderately-severe anxiety disorder."

My nuances
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My anxiety disorder primarily involved and does involve to a much lesser extent, chemicals. Chemicals in medicines, chemicals
in food, chemicals in all products. I couldn't clean the house, the only two things I would use were fairy liquid and washing powder
whilst holding my breath or with the door fully opened. Even then I washed my hands thoroughly after.

I wouldn't take any medicine which probably made my anxiety worse in hindsight. I developed infections that took months to clear. My relationship suffered as I didn't want him "touching" me with unclean hands. He had to do all cleaning and even then I found it hard to eat off dishes that I hadn't washed. Secretly I washed them again in case he had had anything on his hands. My phobias diversified into every area of my life and I still won't eat prawns or nuts in case I suddenly become allergic. I would only drink bottled water until I learnt more about the dangers of bottled water and I still won't drink from these.

I began to wash my hands excessively, like a scene from Macbeth. I couldn't go out, groups made me anxious and to be honest.....I just didn't know how to laugh anymore. How could everyone be so happy? Why couldn't I be normal and care-free anymore?


3 years later
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I only have one more session with my cognitive behavioural therapy nurse and I'm doing much better. It's taken a lot of time
and a lot of tears and a lot of brown paper bags to breathe in and out of to control myself a bit more.

I figure I could die tomorrow and would I want to have died worrying about dying? Don't get me wrong I am still scared but people have it a lot harder than I do. But this has been a long and slow process and I would be lying if I said it has profundly changed me for the worse. I no longer know if I can have children, not that I can't but the idea of hospitals and passing on my fears to that person does not seem fair and hopefully I'll change my mind.

It's hard to find positives but I do believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I know it's not a life threatening or terminal illness, but for the sufferers of anxiety and those that experience panic attacks
it is a prison, where you cannot escape from your thoughts and you believe you are going mad. It is a relentless, all consuming
illness that requires professional help, I don't think you can do it alone. You can find mechanisms to cope but you won't move forward to your face the issues head on. I'm not 100% but I am close to it. I still haven't managed nuts and prawns yet.

I hope if you know of anyone who experiences panic attacks and anxiety that you'll have a little more understanding. For anyone that wants to email me to discuss it, please feel free.

And to my boyfriend, friends and family thank you x

Summary: I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this issue I hope it helps.