my battle (updated) (My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks)

Member Name: barbie84

Product:	My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Date:	15/10/09 (60 review reads)
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This is quite a difficult thing for me to write about as i imagine it was for every other person before me who has written in this section but if you bear with me i will tell you my story in the hope that it will help other people.

My first ever panic attack was on the 9th september 2003, at the time i didnt realise it was a panic attack and didnt know what was causing me to feel so dizzy and sick, i remember the date exactly as it was the first time i had taken my car for its MOT, the whole time we were at the garage i felt realy unwell and thought i was going to faint but never even realised that it was a panic attack.

I dont recall having another panic attack untill after the birth of my second child which was august 2004, even then i didnt realise they were panic attacks as they only happened when i was out of the house shopping and after i had been walking around for a while, i assumed they were due to my body being so tired after having the baby and my iron levels being low, these continued untill the christmas when i decided to go see my doctor who said they were panic attacks but at that time i wasnt convinced and dismissed it as i had always been a very calm person and didnt believe i was the sort of person who would suffer a panic attack after all i was the girl who sat her driving test with no nerves and was wandering around the town shopping for clothes for my honey moon on the morning of my wedding without so much as a butterfly in my stomach. The dizzy and feeling sick spells passed and i never thought any more about it.

October last year i fell pregnant again and miscarried very early in the pregnancy, i didnt think it had effected me too much untill i fell pregnant again in january and began to worry that i would loose this baby too, i worried untill the 12 week scan that my baby may be eptopic as i had a very weak positive pregnancy test, the scan was fine and i thought it would stop me worrying but every little twinge set me off stressing again.
Everything went fine and i had my 20 week scan which was normal, i asked for a home birth like i had had with my previous pregnancy and they said they would rescan at 30 weeks if everything was ok then yes, at the 30 week scan my baby was breach, legs down rather than head down so they scanned me every 2 weeks after this waiting for her to turn, at this stage of the pregnancy they started talking about a c section which was my worst nightmare, this started me stressing a lot and began to set off the dizzyness again, still i didnt realy understand what was causing it, it got more and more frequent especially at hospital and midwife apointments and this was the point where i realised these were panic attacks and my doctor was right.

I went back to see my doctor who told me to try and relax and other than this offered no advice so i began searching the web for help and found that a distraction technique was the best sugestion, keeping my attention preocupied helped to stop a panic feeling developing into a full blown attack so i used this to get me through the hospital appointments and luckily at 37 weeks my daughter turned to head down and my home birth was agreed, i thought this would stop the attacks but they just got worse, stressing about the what ifs and maybes of the birth, they got to a point where they were even happening in my own home.

On the second of october i went into labour and less than 2 hours later delivered my daughter at home as planned with no complications, i thought all my problems and stresses were over so the attacks would surely stop. On the friday my daughter was born i felt very dizzy and sick but put this down to having just given birth, saturday was even worse so i stopped in bed again and my husband ran around after us, by sunday i had realised that these were panic attacks but not like they used to be they were pritty much constant with very little break inbetween them, i couldnt stand the thought of having to get out of bed and go down stairs in my own house, the thought of people coming round to visit, i was in a right state and didnt know what to do or who to turn to for help or how to stop this happening any more as i dont even understand why i was having these attacks or what over.

5am on monday morning i woke up having a panic attack that lasted around an hour, with in minutes the next one had started, enough was enought i needed help so i phoned my doctors when they opened at 8 am and asked to speak to the doctor who was very unhelpful and refused to do a home visit, he said if i wanted treatment badly enough i would go to the surgery, for me this was not an option as i couldnt even face going down stairs and sitting in my own living room at this point let alone making it to the doctors.

After crying for a couple of hours over this and the baby blues setting in i phoned the surgery back and asked for a home visit from another doctor, he came out to see me and gave me a prescription for medication he said i would have to take for at least 4 months to see any benefits, not what i wanted to hear, i wanted a quick solution but aparently there wasnt one.

My husband fetched the tablets from the chemist for me and i read the instruction leaflet, they were anti depressants, not what i was expecting i would have thought they would have used anti anxiety drugs. The leaflet also explains that the tablets initially cause anxiety to increase for the first 14 days or so, this was not what i wanted as i was in such a state already so i phoned a pharmacy to ask there advice and they recomended kalms herbal tablets so off my hubby went to get some.

I began taking the kalms on monday afternoon and by monday evening felt very much relaxed, tuesday morning was not so good, i felt very tearful and anxious again but continued with the tablets and forced myself to get out of bed and go down stairs, as the day went by i felt much better, not perfect but better by every hour.

Wednesday i managed to get up and dressed, sit down stairs and even had my mother in law round to visit without panicing, along with the tablets i had been using advice from online that told me to ignore the panic attack, stop panicing about having a panic attack and just let it happen if it was going to, if it did distract my self by counting back from 100 and by the time i reached 1 the panic had gone,

Thursday was a quiet day with no visitors but me feeling a lot better decided to venture out to the corner shop to get bread and see if i could do it, i have to admitt i was very nervous and shakey but did it without a panic attack and was so proud of my self once i had.

Friday was the real test for me, we had 3 unexpected visitors and i didnt have a panic attack, i know it sounds like just a silly thing but to feel this well after not even being able to get out of my bedroom a week ago was realy something for me.

Saturday went well but sunday was the real test, i needed to go and get some food shopping so got me hubby and the baby ready to go to the supermarket, all i kept thinking was im going to have a panic attack, what if i faint, people will think im odd, then i remembered something i had read online about reversing the thoughts, whats the worst that can happen, i faint people will be concerned, ill be ok in a few minutes, i told myself this all the way to the supermarket and when we got there i didnt want to get out of the car, i started telling hubby what we needed and was going to send him in wholst i waited in the car but he said no and made me do it which i am realy pleased he did, although i got around the supermarket and out of there as fast as i could i had done it all without a panic attack and was so pleased with my self.

Having not had a paic attack for a few days i decided to try on monday morning to get through without the kalms tablets and did ok without them, a little more tense than with them but i did it, it is now thursday evening and i havent had a panic attack all week, i am so desperately hoping they are over with for me and that my life can go back to normal but if not i will struggle through and fight this untill i get there in the end.

i will update this if anything changes and hope it is of some help to others who are suffering from panic atacks

just a quick update, sunday we went shopping again to get the weekly shop, i wasnt anxious about going but actually looking forward to it and was ok around 3 shops but in the 4th shop i had to waite in a long queue at the check out and this for some stupid reason set off a realy bad panic attack, i thought i was going to faint but distracted myself by counting backwards from 100, by the time i got to 79 the dizzy and sick feeling had gone.

Monday morning i took my children to school for the first time since the baby was born 2 and a half weeks ago, i coped realy well and never felt panicky at all despite all the moms wanting to coo over the new baby, i was so proud of my self for coping so well but then today, tuesday i went to my great grans house to visit her and show her the new baby, i began to get a panic attack on the way there and couldnt stop it completely despite using distraction techniques so now tonight i feel a bit more down about it as today has been a rather bad day for me, i thought i had got control of this but this made me realise i have a long way to go yet.

wednesday we had hearing test for the baby at the hospital, i made it to the hospital with my hubby and the baby feeling very paniky and sick but never actually went in i waited out side, i was so disapointed in my self.

friday we had to go and register the birth but i never even made it out of the house, i woke up in a right state and things never got any better, i was feeling very dizzy and very sick. This continued all weekend and by monday morning i felt like it couldnt possibly get any worse i was back to square 1 where i had started from 4 weeks ago, i gave in and began the medication the doctor had given me, i do feel like i have failed not being able to do it without medication but i realy need to try something.

today i am 7 days into the medication but the side effects have been realy bad, i have felt more ill than ever before, been being sick all week and constantly panicing, i have to waite for this to settle down before i will see any improvement,

Summary: my battle