What Do You Do If You Hate Life? (My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks)

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Product:	My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Date:	26/06/01 (19 review reads)
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Advantages: none, though recoverery can make you a stronger person

Disadvantages: see below

I glanced down at the slash marks that were oozing, red and raw on my arms. I saw blood seeping through the pores of my skin.

I felt a sudden, but temporary, calm.

I was safe. Yet in my small bedroom cell. I was scared and panic-stricken. Scared that someone would call on the phone or knock at the door. I longed to escape these four walls. It wouldn’t be too hard; the doors were unlocked and open. However, outside there was a force that made me rush back and hide under my duvet.

FEAR

That was three years ago. Panic and anxiety had become such a problem for me I was a prisoner in my own home lonely and depressed. I was 21 years old. I had NO job, NO friends and NO LIFE.

I was a mess. I was such a burden on my parents. I was so aggressive and angry that I’m surprised they didn’t ask me to leave home, as I was so unbearable to live with.

Panic attacks, I thought, were those things that made you hyperventilate so much you had to stick your head in a paper bag and take deep breaths to recover.

I’ve never hyperventilated, but that doesn’t mean, my anxiety attacks have been less scary. I have always managed to run away from the fear.

I have always been lacking confidence and I used to be extremely self-conscious. During my school days I was very quiet. No one liked me. I used to tag along with certain groups scared to say a word, just to annoy them. I had quite bad acne on my face that refused to go away and as a result of that I couldn’t make eye contact with people. It made me very self-conscious. I spent a lot of time on my own. I never had a friend to be my partner in games and I frequently sat on my own. I spoke to people, but they never became my true friends because they would always bitch about me behind my back. I was different and I knew it. Yet I was proud of who I was didn’t want to be a sheep, but in the same way I LONGED FOR A FRIEND.



At school I played musical instruments and sang in the choir. I can sing, though the only time you’ll hear me now is on the terraces at football matches. By the time I got into the fifth year I was so scared of singing the high notes. I just mimed. I bet I could give Posh Spice a run for her money, for my ability in that department.

I coped. You get on with life. I didn’t know this social anxiety was going to manifest itself into something greater.




I had an anxiety attack was when I was doing my English Literature exam in the Lower Sixth at college. I had never had a problem with exams until now. Yes, they made me nervous, I never really do my best at them, but I had never panicked.
I sat there.

My mind went blank.

I wrote half a sentence
.
I put my hand up.

‘Can I leave?’ I asked.

She then left me and came back a few seconds later.

‘The Principal is here and he says we can’t let people leave an exam early. You will have to wait till the end.’ (It wasn’t an actual public, official exam. It was just an ordinary end of term college test).

So I sat there was an anxious wreck for my 4%

That was the beginning of me walking out of many exams. I am surprised I managed to scrape any A level exams at all. The kinds of grades people think you get if you do hardly any work or are thick.

I began a degree course in drama and communications after A levels. (Mad, I know for someone who gets performance anxiety). At the end of the first year I had two exams. I walked out of the first and failed to turn up for the second. Trying to explain myself was humiliating. I took them again, with the help of herbal Kalms tablets. They worked for me then, as they had done for my driving tests. Later, however I would be in need have something stronger.

Socialising was always difficult for me.

In the fifth y
ear at high school I went to a ball with some school friends. They had all gone with their boyfriends. I felt fine, but as soon as I entered the building with people rushing around me, I felt incredibly sick and anxious. All I could feel of doing was getting the HELL OUT of there, VERY FAST. I rang my Dad up, saying I wanted to go home. He and my mum were extremely angry. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that they had gone to the hassle of taking me and this happened.

I avoided making relationships with people, because if I did I would have to go out with them. It got to the point where I had to down a bottle of Malibu and orange, just to help me COPE with being out in public. I felt I was being under constant scrutiny, people bitching behind my backs. I knew this was completely irrational, but this didn’t stop me from feeling panicky when I went out.


People have fears of spiders and flying on planes. Things you can avoid.

But what do you do when your fear is life?

The fear and anxiety peaked and after two years I waked out of my degree. I couldn’t cope with anything much longer. I had just my part-time job at a supermarket, which made me feel inadequate and my confidence was zero. Soon after, I couldn’t cope with my job, so I left. Day to day life was becoming a struggle. I couldn’t cope with people became imprisoned in my cell, my room, left to the hell of daytime T.V. I HAD NO ENERGY.I had become depressed.


Months later my mum could no longer cope with sorry state I had become and dragged me to the doctor. However, I told him I was eating fine and I hadn’t lost or gained weight. I told him I was depressed, but he didn’t give me anything. He sent me for counselling. This didn’t work. I was so scared of the counsellor, my eye gaze never left the floor. I said nothing.

I decided there and then, on the spur of the moment, I was ok. I tried to get back on my ol
d degree course, but they wouldn’t let me. They led me to believe I could go back, then were very rude and nasty to me. I had let them down, in the middle of a production, and they weren’t going to forgive me, even though I was ill.

Then came, a few months later, one of those light bulb moments. I was reading an article about Seroxat. It was a new drug to treat SOCIAL PHOBIA. I hate being labelled, but at last I had a name for my problem. I wasn’t stupid and boring. I went to female doctor in the surgery with my mum and, on cue, I ran out. My mum burst into tears as she explained the hell we were going through and enquired about this new drug. The doctor, was sympathetic, and realised I needed something more than a good talk. She started me on half a tablet a day and sent me to a different counsellor.

For a while I was still panicky. The doctor came round to the house and I still hid, unable to answer the door.

The counsellor, who was very nice, was only a trainee. I was still very morbid and suicidal and I don’t think she could handle me. She then asked the doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist who upped my dose and referred me to a psychologist.
I also had some support workers. They, however, they didn’t last long with me as I couldn’t stand them as they were patronising and talked to me as if I was stupid.

I spent six months with the psychologist. Although talking through things helped, I believe that my only problem was I had no friend and no amount of talking was going to change that. I believe the tablets
The tablets kicked in after about a month. I was on a dose of two Seroxat a day. Seroxat is an anti-depressant particularly used for anxiety related depression. I’m not advocating the use of it, but it worked for me. Seroxat is one of a group of medicines called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and works by bringing serotonin levels back to normal. Low s
erotonin is associated with low mood, depression. They are non- addictive and the normal dosage, I took, is 50mg a day. There are no particular side effects, apart from feeling slightly sick. They might not work for all.

I recovered gradually. You have to take things one step at a time. Begin by walking to the front gate, then the shops and so on till your fear gradually diminishes. I read a book called ‘Feel the Fear and do it Anyway’, by Susan Jeffers. She says that the only way to overcome the fear of certain things is TO DO IT. After you do something for a while it becomes easier and less stressful. I agree somewhat with what she is saying, but without the Seroxat I think I would have been unable to do so.

I am now recovered. I don’t have panic attacks anymore. I am currently doing a Fine Art degree (with no exams yippee!) and I am beginning a normal life.

IF YOU DO SUFFER FROM PANIC ANXIETY DO SEE YOUR DOCTOR.IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO GET THERE DUE TO FEAR, DON’T GIVE UP, SOME DOCTORS ARE WILLING TO MAKE HOME VISITS TO SEE YOU


BUT DO I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE?

I’m 24. I still don’t have any friends and I have never had a normal intimate relationship. I feel that, even though I love them and their great I will be stuck with my parents for the rest of my life. I still don’t go to the pub, or out anywhere much but at least I can manage to go to the football and watch Preston North End (if you can call that pleasure!).

Until now I have been unable to work. Tomorrow I start a new temping job. It’s only for three days, but I’ve been ****ing myself so much I’ve got to go and change my pants.

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