"Its life Jim.. but not as we know it" (My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks)

Name: David J. Rogers

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Product:	My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Date:	27/05/02 (339 review reads)
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Disadvantages: Far too many

I have posted this now because the past week has been a bad period for me, this has reminded me just how affected my life is by panic, anxiety and fear.
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My panic attacks are separate to but caused by, and are as a result of my injury/accident. Due to the fact I was stuck in bed for around 16 weeks directly following damaging my spine, either following surgery or on traction, I had become used to being inside all the time. Even when I came home I was only able to leave the house in a wheelchair, which is something I was loathed to do, and so I tended to find excuses to stay home rather than go out. After a few months of this going outside, even in to the garden, became something I dreaded, so much so I would get into a state days before I knew I was due to go to the hospital for treatment or a clinic appointment.

Almost a year passed before my condition was such I was starting to make excuses for everything that involved leaving the house, even claiming I was happy at home and for the family to go on day trips and leave me behind. I even convinced myself that I was fine and that everyone around me accepted my excuses, I had become blind to anything but a way to remain in the house. My wife and children had, of course, been very worried but said little to me, indeed it was only after a stay in hospital that they told me they had been talking to my doctors and pain management team, about my ways for months. I had become agoraphobic and didn’t know; yet everyone else that knew me, or had dealings with me, did. A big part of this condition is panic attacks, a massive fear of leaving the house, the house was my safety blanket and like a child I would not be without it.

My panic attacks were/are something very difficult to describe; as are those of others I am sure. I would know when I was starting because of a feeling in my stomach, a churning and a feeling I had only ever had just before d
oing something a little scary, that feeling you get before the fairground ride starts. This would be followed by sweating and heart palpitations, rapid breathing and then the light headed feeling you get when breathing too rapidly. I would start to shake and almost pass out, needing to sit and calm down before anything else. My biggest problem was that this feeling was starting even when I simply looked in my diary and saw I had to go out the next week, just the thought had started to bring on a panic attack. Although I never told anyone I was getting so frightened about everything all I wanted was not to be here, not to feel this way and not to have to make an excuse every time the word out was used. It had reached such a silly state I began to have some of the effects when it was time to get my children’s lunch ready. I would look at the clock and see it was around 11am and start to worry because I knew they would be home at 1.15pm for lunch and so start to get the food ready. It was getting to a really crazy level where I didn’t want to deal with it. . Even going out in the garden was now beyond me.

As if by plan my next, in-patient, pain management treatment course was due to start the next week, a six week period where I would be in hospital getting training to live with the pain, and not against it. I wanted to do this so much but even so I found myself starting to think up excuses why I couldn’t go. I spent all my time thinking of things, not concerning myself with anything but how to stay home. Thankfully my wife and the doctors had prepared for this and even though nothing was said to me, anything I can I recall anyway. Arrangements had been made for a car to come up from London, I was going back to St Thomas’ Hospital for the treatment, and then I would only need to get from the house to the car and would be met, right outside the door at the hospital. My wife had been given some different tablets to add to my daily medicat
ion, ones that I didn’t notice given they were the same as some of the others. I now know that the new tablets were Prothiaden, which I still use now, which are a good, strong, anti-depressant drug that has a sedative effect. Of course I was unaware of the plans and nothing could stop the panic I was going through before the trip anyway and so the time came and despite every ploy I could think of I found myself dressed and ready to leave home. Looking back I now know that the morning of the trip was different, I remember not being sick, not sweating as much and no shortness of breath. I recall it being difficult to go through the door but once in the car I was okay again, relaxed even. The trip to London was no major thing, I remember chatting to the driver and telling him about my accident, him telling me all about the different people he had to pick up to take to hospital. Of course once I knew of the different pills I had been taking for the previous 2 days it made sense. This was the beginning of me taking control back of a whole chunk of my life, a time where I would once again be me.

Alongside my pain management course I was confronted, head on, about my fears of leaving the house. This was a shock to me given I thought I was the only one that knew I had this fear, you see suffering with agoraphobia and panic attacks blinded me to anyone, or anything around me. I was consumed with dealing with “my” problem, but of course it was, and to a tiny degree still is, everyone’s problem. But it was only when I was asked directly I knew this, it was also then that I knew I wanted to change, that this was no way to live. Even when I was at the hospital I had to leave the treatment area and go outside to get back to the main hospital and so the problem couldn’t be hidden, not even there.

To my amazement I found myself agreeing to allow my key worker, who is a Psychologist, to inform the group I was there with of my problem.
The group was only 7 in number so was not a major thing but we were going to be together 24/7 for six weeks, sharing almost everything and when I really thought about it I needed their help too. What also amazed me was just how willing everyone was to do anything they could to help. In a matter of minutes 2 of the group offered to be my “outside buddies” this meant they would make sure that every time we needed to leave a building, or go outside for anything, one, or both would be there with me. Again I was unaware of the planning that was going on to get me back some independence. Because my days were very busy, filled with exercising and learning new things, I just fell in to a pattern, one I was comfortable with and one where I didn’t need to think about going outside. Over a period of time and without even noticing, I had started to walk back and forth from treatment areas alone, not waiting for my buddies and not even looking for them. They were there though, as I was to learn, but about 100mtrs behind me, along with my key worker. I had, I was told, learned to walk a lot quicker, due to a fear factor it was felt, but I was also managing to go in and out with no pause. Inside a period of about 3 weeks this had all happened to me and as if to celebrate I found myself walking to the local pub, near to the hospital, with the rest of the group for an evening out, something I had not done in about 4 years. I was starting to live again, my life was coming back to me and I loved it.

I guess my reason for writing this is because I know the terror of panic, I know the fear that is agoraphobia and I now know there are ways to beat them. It is not anywhere as easy as it may seem after reading this, I did say it was something hard to put in to words, but, with help and with determination anything is possible. Having a choice about going out or staying home is something most take for granted but when that choice is taken away life is tough.


I still suffer some degree of both problems now but with help, and the use of medication, in the form of Prozac and Prothiaden, both which I have written opinions on, I have a life that seemed to have all but gone just 4 years ago. My advice to anyone suffering with this type of problem would be seek help, open up and trust someone. I was lucky in as far as my wife and doctors worked together and helped me but I knew, regardless of that, I wanted to change. I knew that I couldn’t live as I was and I was a very, very miserable person. Seeking help is not easy and if you know of someone that is suffering take care, you may think you are helping by pushing them to change but you could so easily be making it harder. This is a problem/illness that needs specialist care. It needs someone that understands the steps to follow if help is to succeed. Your understanding and company is probably the best help you can offer, but you could also make sure that a doctor is aware of the situation, which, sadly, is not the case very often.

If you are a sufferer then I understand how hard it is to ask for help, how difficult it is to cope with help and how much you would rather be left alone to get on as best you can. I also know how great it feels to be free again, and I promise you it is one hell of a lot better than staying as you are. Take that first step and then follow the path that will be laid out for you, it is one step at a time and there is no rush, and nobody that will rush you either. You future is in your hands but there are people out there willing, and able, to help you get one back.

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