Am I going slightly mad? (My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks)

Member Name: chrispitts

Product:	My Experience of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Date:	24/07/02 (129 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: What advantages?

Disadvantages: Not coping, Relationship difficulties

This morning I woke up in a foul mood, shouted at my wife, who was still asleep at the time, and wasn't pleased to be woken up in such a way, stamped downstairs like a teenager, swore, hit a wall, kicked a door, stamped back upstairs, threw some clean clothes from the ironing basket onto the floor (don't ask...), stamped downstairs again, and had a fag, hands shaking.

Last night, I spent all night on my computer, thereby ignoring my family completely. The night before, I did much the same.

Don't get me wrong - I love my wife and my daughter more than anything (I refer you to one of my other ops "Favourite Thing", if you don't believe me!), but at the moment, I find I can "escape" better by shutting myself away.

So what's going on? What is making me feel this way?

We've all felt stressed from time to time. Anyone who claims to be entirely stress-free is lying to themselves. It's part of life. And I've always believed I cope well with stress. In fact, people who know me comment on it. Major life crises? No problem. They rely on me to be the voice of reason. Even when I was a doctor in Accident and Emergency, things didn't phase me. Heart Attack? OK. Drug overdose? Yeah. Epilepsy? Alrighty then. But I guess you can only take so much...

If you look around on the web, you'll find lists of stress factors, and the degree of stress each factor induces. Some of the obvious ones are there (family deaths, divorce), but it still makes interesting reading. And for the last year or two, I've been scoring pretty highly.

But recently, my coping mechanism seems to be breaking down a bit. I'm a lot more snappy. I've stopped shaving regularly (partly to make myself look a bit older, granted, but also through laziness!) I prefer to be on my own. I've started listening to my old heavy metal CDs again. And I'm guessing there's only so much my wife
can take.

A while ago (again, covered in a previous op), I went through a bout of depression. I recovered fully, but I can still remember the counsellor saying "I'm not sure how much help I can be to you, because you refuse to open up to me." And I guess that's true. My wife's commented on it too. Everyone knows a problem shared is a problem halved, but I generally bottle things up, and refuse to accept them as a problem. Stubborn, false strength if you like. But it's not deliberate - I genuinely feel I'm OK, it's not affecting me, I can cope.

A lot has happened in the past couple of years. Married for the second time, new baby, house move, job change, financial pressures (leading to our car almost being repossessed last month), then finding out I'd failed my assessment year in my job, and would have to repeat a further 6 months (just the icing on the cake).

A lot of you (particularly if you know me from previous ops) may well be thinking... "Hang on, he's a doctor. I'm not sure it's safe to have a stressed out doctor."

Fair comment. But take it from me, I wouldn't be sitting in this office, seeing patients, if I thought I was unsafe. True, on occasion, I feel like shouting at some patients, and on occasion, I'd rather be anywhere than at work, but generally I'm coping better at work, because it's good to have something to occupy the mind.

This is where my op is getting difficult to write. I haven't admitted to not coping, to being stressed out. I was wondering this morning, after my "teenage tantrum", what it feels like to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Does it feel like this? Or am I not even close? Am I just making a huge fuss about nothing? I don't feel my life is crumbling around me. I'm certainly not depressed (I've been there, so I know). I get on with things, but have been known to put off important th
ings in favour of just slumping in front of the TV or computer. I'm certainly coping at work. My patients still appreciate me, I'm making the right treatment choices, and I'm still viewed upon as very sympathetic and understanding. But this general turmoil inside is hard to get rid of, and it's in the quiet times that I feel worse.

I sometimes wish I could open up to my wife, rather than just explode from time to time. But she's got the same stresses. She sees me as the "coper". If I tell her how messed up I am, where will she get the support she needs? See, it's not easy. And yes, I'm predicting the comments about "not pretending to be strong for someone else.. etc.", but when you're used to being the coper and the fixer, it's difficult to admit you can't do it any more. (A bit like a man asking for directions!)

I don't think there's a quick fix. I certainly don't feel I'm in need of counselling or drugs. Sure, a lottery win would help, as would passing this bloody assessment year, but generally I think things will gradually improve. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's point of views though. What does it feel like to head into a nervous breakdown? Or am I just making a fuss over nothing?

And before you all start reporting me to the General Medical Council, remember, I AM coping at work. My patients are getting the same degree of care and diligence that they always have - maybe not with quite as much enthusiasm, but they wouldn't notice that!

Anyway, thankyou for letting me share that. Although it was (in places) extremely difficult to write, it has sort of helped to get it out in the open. And I know how many other people feel the same way. So maybe it will help others to know that they're not alone.

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