After reading some really meaningful reviews recently about 'Depression', It got me thinking…..

I actually have a blog that I write to every so often. I do this anonymously so that I can feel free to write about whatever I am feeling at that particular time. People are amazingly supportive and it's nice to know that there are others who can relate to the feelings of distress you may have from one day to the next...

I have decided to share a short 'snippet' of my first entry with you.... That's if you are interested! It's not really a story, poem or statement but more of a personal thought that I primarily wrote for myself to look back on. The feedback I have had from people on the internet has been really strong.

I have found a lot out about myself by simply reading this so-called 'thought' over and over, I do it when I am happy and again when I am sad, it amazing the difference a single thought can make depending on your emotional wellbeing at the time of reading. I guess what I am trying to say is that; maybe things don't always seem as bad as you think. Even though my 'thought' doesn't offer any real answers, if you ask yourself time and time again you will find some comfort in your own mind. Does that make sense?

Background Info:

I am a depressive. I have suffered for many years even though I am still only young. A lot of my depression, I feel was contributed to by my parents. I had a really turbulent teenage life and ended up quitting school at 14. I wasn't so much an 'out of control' teen but more a 'troubled' one that was so desperate for help! Nobody ever helped me and thankfully with my own strength I managed to stay strong till the day came when I could seek help myself.

"You are told that when you are down to talk - its good to talk isn't it? Well I did just that, I turned to my GP and was ultimately turned away!"

This 'snippet' you are about to read is actually what I wrote just prior to an official medical diagnosis in early 2004.

So here goes……..

Is There a Definition of Depression?
Is depression that horrible black mood that comes over you, gradually to the point where you can't cope anymore, or is it, something that you are genetically predisposed too? Is it the life experience that makes your nature become depressed or is it society?

What is depression???

• How do you know you are depressed?

• Is it when you remove yourself from reality?

• I have depression…is this why I can't get myself out of bed
most days? Is this what it's meant to be like?

• Have I hit MY depression?

• If this IS my depression, then is this MY low.....?

• Can you really be happy? I can't remember being really
happy, so maybe there is no such thing!

• Are you allowed to smile when you are depressed, if I do
then I am not depressed, right?

• Am I just a social outcast; feeling so low that I don't want to
live anymore?

• Really how bad do you have to feel before you're able to
label these feelings?

How can the medical professionals really know how I feel, when they haven't had the same experiences in life as me - they've sat with the medical textbooks and have been told what should define a so called "Depressive" nature! Who wrote those textbook? More people who haven't lived my life! I feel so confused!

So as I find, according to Dr's, if you don't fit "that" definition of a depressive nature then you are clearly not depressed.... well this is certainly how I was made to feel for many years by the medical professionals. It had taken 21 years for the Dr's to finally label me with a depressive personality; I guess I finally fit the definition according to the textbook.

Too many questions and not enough answers!

So who can help me, well maybe the answer is there in itself!

Now:

I think that with having a depressive nature, I am learning more about my inner mind and thoughts than I ever knew was possible. I cope better not by taking those bad questions away (As above), but by knowing how to cope with them when they arise.

I feel I have explored many a positive and negative feeling in-depth and in today's world, would rather feel an emotion that will teach myself to be a much nicer/compassionate/caring human being rather than being selfish and cold like some of the bad people who don't feel anything other than self-greed.

Rather than looking upon myself as a victim of this so-called 'Depression' I have used it to better myself….. If only more people would take this on-board!

I guess you really can only help yourself through these feeliings with your own mind as your life is not a textbook!