Depression can wreck a career (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: opinions4u

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	15/04/07 (832 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Absolutely none

Disadvantages: You don't want it

I have been diagnosed with depression on two occasions. The first occasion was a direct result of marital breakdown. I can easily identify the causes and, given time and a change of circumstances, can also chart my recovery. It was unpleasant but took a matter of months.

The second occasion was worse. I was successful at work. My marriage had recovered and everything was good in life. Then, in the space of 48 hours, I felt myself slide. My confidence vanished, I withdrew from my family and, despite good results, I believed I was a failure at work. I was stressed by each and every non-issue that appeared in front of me and struggled to make decisions.

I took immediate medical advice and was prescribed prozac. This actually helped to deal with the stress of decision making - it took me to a point where I didn't actually care. It took the edge out of my day to day activity and, combined with the depression, left me as a physical being but removed the mental entity that is me.

It is hard to describe what I was feeling at the time. Imagine having a brick inserted in your head and replacing your brain. Imagine not being able to envisage the outcomes of your actions beyond the next 5 minutes. Imagine losing interest in sex. Imagine losing interest in your family. Imagine developing dangerous addictive behaviour.

My addiction was online gambling. It took over my life and became the most important thing to me. This coud have financially ruined me, except I got lucky. And discovered the art of "arbritage" - betting on all outcomes of an event to guarantee a profit. I made £10,000 over 3 years. But this had become more important than my family and work.

A few months in to my depression my boss, who had been supportive and understanding, retired. His replacement attacked my weaknesses, undermined what little confidence I had and after a few weeks offered me the choice of standing to one side or follwoing a "performance action plan". After a couple of weeks fighting him, I accepted the inevitable. I was not capable of maintaining a motivaional management role while feeling thoroughly miserable, not really caring and being unable to think clearly (due to the brick in my head!).

Working for a large company, I was immediately "protected" by the HR department. I was transferred to an easier role. Salary frozen, not cut. My company arranged for 8 counselling sessions at their expense.

Had I continued to fight, I would probably have found myself managed out of the company and unemployed. And an unemployed depressive is not attractive to a potential employer.

So, into an easier work life and counselling. One session a month which I quite enjoyed. I'm not sure they helped me directly at the time, but 3 years on they are probably worth everything to me. They help me to "choose my attitude" each day.

The easy work life for a managerial salary was great. For a few months. Then as my condition slightly improved my self awareness improved. And the way I valued myself improved. And I needed something more.

While not completely recovered, I started applying for new jobs within my firm. Which was a BIG mistake.

When I first got my job, after leaving school, I was the only candidate. Several promotions were achieved through demonstrating competence. No job interviews. Simply placed up the ranks as the best the company had.

Now I was expected to perform in job interviews to return to a proper career. And I put across the personna of "I'm a failed manager who has been ill". I didn't say it, but I conveyed it.

And the last thing I needed was what I got - rejection. Several roles I was perfect for knocked me back. Lack of confidence was hit further with ongoing rejection. Nobody wanted me and I was useless.

I then tried 2 or 3 other secondment roles. Not enjoying them. Not getting the "buzz" of job satisfaction that I needed. Declined for a couple more positions I looked desperately for help. And found it in the heart of a department set up originally to support people who were made redundant.

I had two meetings with a guy called Chris. I outlined my career, my depression, my innermost fears and my feelings of failure.

He focused on my successes and strengths. Told me that is who I really was. And then talked about job interviews. Nothing earth shattering, but at the age of 38 I had never got a job as a result of an interview.

A month later my "dream job" was advertised on the company's internal vacancy system. The salary was £6k less than it used to be (but still a small rise for me) and the role itself made use of my exceptional numeracy skills. I was right for it and I knew it.

I spent 18 hours preparing for the interview. Drove to Manchester in fear. And placed my "Paul McKenna- Instant Confidence" cd in to my car player and reclined the seat and closed my eyes.

Half an hour later I locked the car and walked to the interview venue.

This felt different to my list of failed interviews. I was confident. Full of belief. Full of ideas. And I really wanted it.

That last sentence is vital. In the last 3 years (yes, that long in the 'wilderness') I hadn't really wanted anything. Not had a day off sick, but not wanted to be there at work either. Not really wanted to be anywhere.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got the job. I love the job. I have a growing vibrance in life. I'm more interested in my family. My love for football and cricket has returned. The old me is more or less back and I like him.

I now know that I am not necessarily cured from the evil demons of depression, but I am back in control. I can see the triggers that could send me back in to depression. And I can counter them.

I hated my firm for taking my job off me, even though I know it was needed. I hate them for making me go through numerous job interviews when I was in no fit state to deal with the failure that was inevitable. And I so admire the guy called Chris who listened to me and then empowered me with a few words of kindness. Even though I haven't seen hm since!

He didn't really do anything. I did that. But he helped me find the self belief and confidence that I needed to leave the mediocrity that my career had become and move me in to the new job that I now hold. And I am back to being the intelligent, assertive and agreeable individual that I always used to be.

I didn't enjoy depression and it is still a threat to me. But the point at which things started going right for me was the point where I actually took control of my destiny rather than being shunted around by my firm.

I feel good about myself. I feel good about my work. And I feel good about my family.

And the brick in the head is now long gone.

If you find yourself in depression, the light at the end of the tunnel may not be visible. But it is probably there. Try to find it in youself to move towards it. You're worth it.

Summary: Live life to the full!