My Personal Testimony! (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: fourluvz

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	15/11/08 (146 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Learn about Depression.

Disadvantages: None

My experience with depression.

My first episode of depression started back when I was only a small child of the age of eight years old. I thought it was normal to feel sad much of the time for really no reason at all. I can remember running to the bathroom to hide during recess and crying the whole time, while the other kids played. I knew that I was very different from the other kids that played. Although some days, I would laugh and laugh, and the teacher would get angry with me for it. This would go on for weeks! Some times I would have so much trouble eating and sleeping. When I got upset, I did not eat well, and I slept all the time. I am the oldest of seven children, so when I got home from school, I had many chores to do, therefore leaving me little time to weep over my hidden explosion of emotions. I know that at times my mother would hound me with questions. She would ask me, "What is wrong with you?". I would tell her that nothing was bothering me, in fear that I would get into trouble for the feelings I was having! I usually lied and made up a reason leaving severe consequences in the future. Years went on like this, being afraid of everything, crying in secret, and being miserable inside without telling a soul about it. The first time I tried to kill myself was at the age of twelve. The knife lay there on the floor. I was in such misery after a terrible feud had happened at school with one of my close friends. I just stared at it with popular tears running down my face. I just couldn't do it anymore! I felt that my heart was going to just fall right out of my chest. I thought to myself, " I can't live anymore with the feelings inside!". No one knew what I was going through. No one knew that I wanted to end my life. At the simple age of twelve when I decided not to kill myself, but make small razor cuts across my skin that hid from the rest of the world. No one noticed the cuts for years. I would get upset, and instead of crying the hide outs in the bath rooms became cutting spells instead of crying spells. I knew that some thing was terribly wrong with me, but I couldn't tell anyone. Never could anyone know about my hidden behavior. I finally made it the age of dating and driving! I was sixteen, and could finally go visit my boyfriend of two years at his house! I felt that I could tell him anything except my little secret. I had to stop doing the cutting because now a person so happened to see my upper arms other than myself! I went back to the crying spells and eventually started to experiment with drugs and alcohol to cover up the pain that still grew inside of me. This cloud was so big now that it felt like it was going to suffocate me! I went from and athlete and honor roll student to a drop out with a huge drug problem on my hands. After several years of being very close to my boy friend, he decided to break it off with me one night for my weird behavior that I didn't notice at the time. One week later, on a Sunday morning I without thinking went down stairs and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol PM and swallowed every pill in the bottle. I had enough of the pain inside! I could not live like that anymore! I was so angry and hurt inside that I wanted to end it by ending my life! I laid there on the bed saying good bye to every one that I could think of possible. I prayed that God would not send me to Hell for such an act. It was to late, I had already done it, I was going to die.

My mother came into the room and found me lying uncontentious in a pool of green vomit. I was pale and blue she said. She tried to get me to throw up the pills after finding the bottle, but it was to late. I had already taken them to long ago. My mother got me to come to some what, and I remember her voice begging me with shrill screams not to go. She begged God not to take my life as she drove furiously to the hospital. After getting to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, which was the most painful experience that I had ever experienced. I finally held the thick black charcoal down, that the nurses had put into my stomach for absorbing all the excess medicine. My mother and step father were in tears when the doctors told them that there was a very high chance that I would die from severe liver damage. They put me on dialysis to try and repair my damaged liver. My mother went home and the whole family prayed for me. My father drove a long three hours to be with me after this episode of madness. Finally, after three days, I came to and the doctors said that I was going to live, but I still suffered moderate to sever liver damage. I stayed two weeks in the ICU, and then was sent to a long term mental rehabilitation program for teens in distress. There I learned that I had a very severe case of Depression.

I realized that I wasn't normal, and that I did not have to live with the problems that I was dealing with! There was a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into. I went through severe withdrawals after I got there from the drugs and alcohol. I became angry and bitter towards everyone for a while, and said things to my family that I so much regret to this day. I was angry that my mother had saved my life and that I had to be in this place full of other teens who seemed to have behavioral problems. I didn't think that I had a problem, but I did have a huge problem! After being there for several months, they found that I also had a type of depression. A more deadly depression than just the regular episodes of sadness. It was diagnosed as Manic Depression. I finally realized that with the help of strong medications (with some annoying side effects), that I started to feel better. I felt like my moods were stabilizing into one mood that lasted the same for a majority of the time. I finally began to feel what people call it as normal! I felt an inner peace with all of the positive coping skills that I had been taught! I learned that it was OK to talk about how you felt. I learned it was not OK to feel sad or depressed for long periods of time. I felt so overwhelmed a majority of the time before! If only I had asked for help, I would not have put my family what I had put them through. I was better, and finally with a mile long list of medications I was released from the mental institution.

I was eighteen years old before I was released. Now let me tell you a little more about what I had learned through the two years of rehab. I discovered that I was considered severely manic depressed. This disorder is also known as Bipolar Disorder. They are the same things with the same definition. Manic Depression is when your very depressed and even suicidal some of the time, then it switches to manic mania. Manic Mania is when you exceed normal energy levels. People often have problems with sleeping and stay up for days at a time. I also learned that you can hear voices, and see things that really are not there. With medications such as Celexa, Paxil, Prozac, and Wellbutrin , the depression is helped tremendously. Prescriptions such as Risperidol, Depikote, Lithium, Ambilify, and Seroquil are mood stabilizers. Any how, this is a very important issue that many people today deal with!

I am now twenty-six years old, it has been ten years since I tried to commit suicide. I am very grateful that God saved my life through my mother that day. God has blessed me with four children and a wonderful husband of seven years. There are so many people out there especially teens, that face depression every day. If people were more open about their past, then maybe we could help save someone's life that may be going through some of the same things that I went through. I believe that some people do not realize what they are faced with as depression. It is easy to notice a physical pain as a problem, but emotional pain sometimes is harder to notice. I went for years living in anguish and agony, that could have been prevented! I want everyone to know my story because if you notice someone who may be depressed, then you could help them. If you do not know anything about depression, then how could you help your very own child if they needed help! So soak in as much information as you possibly can about this rising issue! If you suspect someone is suicidal then you should help them by seeking professional help. Don't ever disregard a person's threats for death, because that one person may be very serious. They are sick, and you should view them as you would a person with cancer. They need your help. So is there a person that you think may be depressed? If so, you may have the chance to help save a life. What will you do?

I just tried to do a part of my goals in life. I shared my personal testimony of my story about depression. I hope that if you experience any of these type of problems, that you will not be afraid to seek help. Help is available to all! Thank you, for reading my story.

Summary: I have told my story, now tell your story too, please!