it sucks (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: f1re_cr4cker

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	22/11/08 (90 review reads)
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Disadvantages: everything

To be honest I wasn't sure whether to write in this section or the PND but deep down I do not think what I have experienced is full PND.

After I had my 2nd child when he was around 4 months old I realised there was a problem, I had a real boiling rage problem coupled with feelings of total self hatred and loathing. Recently the rage has been so bad and I wanted to hurt some I ended up cutting myself (very llight and superfical, more like scratches) . Ive only done this maybe 4 times and its been in a very stressful period of my life (moving house/selling house). You see I have to do something to stop the rage and i feel like i have to hurt someone and the only person I can hurt is myself....gosh what a fruitcake I sound like......

Previously with both my children I had found the first couple of weeks unbearable, crying constantly, not being able to eat, wondering why I had done this to myself (had them)..... The latter feeling I understand can be a little PND sounding however the former not so much. After screaming down the place virtually every day I decided enough was enough and for my children and marriages sake I had to go to the gp. She said would i like to try some pills and put me on a low dose of prozac which worked pretty quickly. However 6 weeks in and it stopped working...not good! So i changed tablets to Sertraline again on a low dose- again worked but again stopped working after a bit. However this time my gp upped my dose. This has keeped happening to me again and again it is almost like my body gets resistant to it.

After being on the drugs for a year I went to see a therapist but I only went to 3 sessions- her methods were just too weird. However I did gain some insights into understanding more about why this may have happened and why I am the way i am- Largely it would appear due to my stepmother (my mum died when i was 7) although to be fair that in many ways is pretty obvious ie VERY controlling, narrow minded, screaming at me over nothing even though i was a pretty good kid (i never went out at night, got drunk, did drugs or got detentions ever) etc.

Anyway to cut a long story short I have now had an assessment with a community psychiatric nurse who agreed that to him I did not appear "depressed" like some people. He has now referred me to a clinical pyschologist to have another assesment to see if I can have any help with my issues which seem to have brought on this rage. Please understand that I have never had a problem with anger at all- it was like I had my 2nd child and a switch was flipped. Some days are worse than others understandably, sometimes I just want to go to bed and can't be bothered with it all- if i'm tired that is a trigger (not easy when i need 10hrs to feel wonderful, i seriously cannot cope without sleep i go mental) and if i'm stressed that is another BIG trigger.

I really hope to get over this soon as I feel so bad for my 2 children and long suffering husband. It's mad though as i'm sure a lot of my friends would be shocked if they knew it was me that I had written this as they have no idea as they never see my outrbursts. Currently I am still on sertaline- not a low low dose either. Fingers crossed I will get my assesment with the clinical psychologist soon

I don't really know what any of you reading this will think but this unfortunately is me at the moment but hopefully for not too much longer.

Summary: Why am i such a ball of rage?