The worst time of my life (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: whiteroseuk

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	22/01/09 (224 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I learnt a lot about myself, gained strength

Disadvantages: lost several years of my life to this illness

Several years ago, I suffered from clinical depression. I found it extremely difficult to understand because I had nothing to be depressed about at the time, I had my own flat and a job that I enjoyed, plenty of friends and family around me, and yet life didn't seem worth living. I felt worthless, nothing I tried made me feel any better, and I could feel myself gradually slipping into a state that made me begin to feel that everyone around me would be better off if I weren't there.

My wonderful parents tried their best to help me, but eventually we all realised that I needed professional help and I went to the doctor. At the time I had a marvellous GP, who gave me his time, saw me twice a week, and explained everything I was going through in terms I could understand. He recommended that I try to find things that made me feel just a little bit better, and concentrate on those things, and to avoid things that made me feel worse. I found that embroidery helped, I did cross stitch, and whilst I was doing that, I didn't have to think of anything else. I spent many hours right through the night when I was unable to sleep doing intricate counted cross stitch embroidery, and I still have some of the pieces I worked during that time.

I was put onto anti-depressant tablets, which in time helped, and gradually I fought my way back to a state of near normality. I never had time off work during that bout, in fact work seemed to be the only place that I felt anything like normal, and that kept me going. Eventually I began to feel well enough to come off the tablets, and that was when my problems really started. At first it seemed that things were going well, but over time, I could feel myself slipping back into the darkness.

By this time I had another doctor, who was again marvellous, but he had a different approach. The tablets that I had been given previously were no longer used, so I was given Prozac. I don't think I have ever felt so bad in my life. I remember my parents trying to take me out of my flat, just for a drive into the countryside, to try to help me, but I had a panic attack, and I had to go home. When we got outside my flat, I was clinging so tightly to the grab handle of the car that I couldn't let go, and my mother had to prise my fingers off it, so that she could help me into my flat. Once inside I positioned myself in a corner, between the wall and the wardrobe in my bedroom and couldn't come out. It was the only place I felt safe. By this time I was in such a state that my parents sent for the emergency doctor, and he recognised that I was having an adverse reaction to the Prozac. I was taken off those and then tried with Seroxat, which suited me much better. I was also encouraged to have counselling, and after a long wait a counsellor visited me in my flat. I didn't take to him, couldn't talk to him, so that was not successful at all.

Eventually it was recommended that I see a psychotherapist but I would have to wait at least 9 months before I would get an appointment. although the seroxat tablets were helping, by this time I was suicidal, unable to work, convinced that I would be doing myself and my family a favour if I weren't around, and I planned my suicide, to that last detail, what I would wear, where I would go, and how I would do it, so that my parents wouldnt have to find me, to cause them the least distress.

My parents knew that something had to be done and quickly, so they found a private psychotherapist for me, and paid for me to see her. I visited her house once a month for over a year, and I can honestly say that I believe she saved my life.

She encouraged me to talk about things I didn't even know were bothering me, guiding me with the right questions to get me to face things I had hidden for years. With her help I was able to see what had been the root cause of my depression, and to realise that my thinking was totally ridiculous, and gradually with her help and with the help of the seroxat tablets I fought my way back to health. I since met my wonderful husband, and I have not had any other reoccurance of the problem.

Looking back it seems so ridiculous, but as people tried to tell me at the time, I was ill, and the illness causes you to have thoughts which are not rational, and a healthy mind finds those thoughts ridiculous. One of the doctors explained to me that the chemistry of your brain is unbalanced when you're suffering from depression, so its a bit like putting numbers into a calculator when the batteries are running down, you don't get the right answers. The antidepressants replace the chemicals that you are lacking, so help you to get your thinking straight again. There are several types of antidepressants though, and as I saw with the Prozac, not all of them suit everyone. Its a bit hit and miss until you find the sort that suit you, and as it can take up to 6 weeks for them to start to work, it can be a very long winded process.

The other problem is that there is such a stigma attached to any form of mental illness, its difficult to admit to yourself that you are ill, never mind admitting it to other people, but it really is like any other illness, and just as people wouldn't expect you to be able to do the gardening if you had a broken leg, neither should they expect that you can 'pull yourself together' when you're clinically depressed. No one wants to be depressed, and anyone who has suffered with the illness will tell you that if they could pull themselves together, they would, and for people to say that to someone who is ill, is the most heartless and unfeeling thing that anyone can say. The other thing not to say is "I know how you feel". Unless you have suffered from the illness of depression you do NOT know how the depressed person is feeling, it is totally unlike feeling a bit down that everyone experiences. There really ought to be some other term. Everyone gets depressed from time to time, feeling a bit low, a bit blue, but not everyone suffers from the illness of depression.

Looking back it seems strange, that at the time I thought that the feeling would never end, that life was always going to be so awful, and the black cloud that had descended upon me would never go away, but with help it did lift, and life became worth living once more. It takes time, but it does go away, and I know that if I felt myself slipping back at all, I would not hesitate to seek help. It's not an illness that you can ignore, and hope it will go away, it doesn't work like that.

I hope that my experiences may just help someone else who is going through something similar to not be afraid to seek help, and to help them know that it does go away, life can be worth living once again

Summary: I hope my experiences may help someone else