The dark cave (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: licclevicki

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	23/01/09 (101 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: learning

Disadvantages: feeling alone and frightened

I thought l would write about my experiences of anxiety and depression. The reason l am doing this is because l think my experiences are probably quite different to some peoples experiences, and its useful to remember anxiety and depression comes in many different forms!

How it started
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Backtracking to long ago when my difficulties first began, l was just a teenager, about 14. I was experiencing very ill health. Only doctors didn't seem to understand what was wrong with me. It was eventually found that l had M.E (for which l have previously reviewed). Anyway it was around this time when l became very depressed and anxious. I remember at this time l became withdrawn, l was tearful constantly, irritable, and l really couldn't face the world, or being on my own. It felt like l lost all control over my life and my confidence and self-esteem just seemed to disappear. Fighting against all of these difficulties was a living nightmare. As l was struggling to understand my limitations with M.E, and struggling to cope with being a teenager, my depression and anxiety took hold.

During my school years l remember being in floods of tears constantly, someone would say something, anything, and it would set me off into a state of uncontrollable tears. l remember feeling so lonely and alone (l couldn't imagine anyone else could ever feel how l felt), l couldn't sleep and l could see absolutely no future, everything seemed so black, l was so low, l didn't like who l had become at all. Where was that lively, energetic school girl l had been? With a big bright future and so many things to look forward to.
I was put on anti-depressents, which perhaps mildly helped, but still, the symptoms persisted, and it wasn't ideal for someone so young to be put on medication.

As time went on, my anxiety seemed to worsen. I became anxious about any social situation. I did the worst thing possible really, l avoided situations. During a particularly bad time with my M.E and what were IBS symptoms, l would leave the house and have major panic attacks daily and even at home l was in a constant state of anxiety, with more general attacks and panic attacks. I remember the intense need to get out of the situation during these panic attacks away from home. My panic attacks would involve hyperventilating, heart pounding, feeling faint and shakey and feeling completely afraid, luckly l always had my mum at hand during these times to take me away from the situation.

It got to the point that l rarely left the house, l was afraid to leave the house because every time that l did my anxiety would reach that unbearable level where l thought something dreadful was about to happen. Not leaving the house went on for some time. This didn't help my anxiety or depression one bit, as l became even more withdrawn. Im not even sure l recognised how badly l was affected by depression and anxiety at this point, as ld always put everything down to the M.E. I was sent to see many different therapists, who offered some help and support, it felt very limited support at the time, but l suppose looking back you do learn quite a lot.

Learning to live
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These years were a real learning curve, at 25 l can now see the many things lve had to learn throughout these years. I had to learn to be true to myself, to say no, and to put myself first. Ive always been a sensitive soul, which could have been one of the things that led me to depression and anxiety. You often find that lots of people experience anxiety and depression after a trauma, and l suppose looking back l had a lot of things happening in my life at that time.

Now l try to control and manage my depression and anxiety by using Cognitive behaviour techniques, such as challenging my thoughts even when its very difficult, and l admit that lm not always successful at this. This is an approach that may not work for everyone. But for me it just helps me rationalise things and make sense of situations. The trouble with anxiety is it can often cause us to personalise and catastraphise the situation, which means everything becomes about us and we only see the very worst situation, we are thinking in all or nothing terms. Ive also learnt to find the evidence or lack of evidence for how lm feeling. That allows me to see that actually how lm feeling is just down to my thoughts and the impact and chemical reactions they are having on the body. I have learnt to help myself, to make sure lm eating correctly, to do things l enjoy, to make use of distraction techniques.

Unfortuantely this hasn't cured me of my illness. But it has allowed me to cope at times, when otherwise l would have really struggled. I still wake in panic attacks, l still get anxious about doing the small things that many of us take for granted, such as making a phone call, meeting new people etc, but l can say that now lm able to enjoy things and l can look to the future.

What l do know is l really couldn't have coped so easily without family and friends, its amazing how much support they can lend, and how they can help you through the struggle. There were times when l would hide away and wouldn't talk, but as hard as it may be, it is really important that you don't go through it alone. Its easy to push people away, when you are feeling this way, but its really important that you don't and that you seek support and help, you are not alone, many, many, many people are suffering with anxiety and depression and there is lots of help and support available.

Anxiety and depression cannot kill you, it is not a terminal illness, but it can be very frightening, you lose that sense of control over your life. It makes you stop and take charge of your life, and reflect upon how your living your life. These are my experiences of depression and anxiety, probably different to many peoples. What l have learnt is that anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes, it's the limitations it imposes on your life.

Summary: if you are suffering, get help and support