Not just the blues... (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: louanna8

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	25/07/09 (63 review reads)
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Since I was about nine I have suffered(oh how I hate that word) on and off with depression. However, until I had a major "case" I'd never really understood what it was. I had always been a fairly reserved and in some cases pessimistic person so it seemed as though I was just a little more reserved and withdrawn than usual. To be honest I always thought depression was a something and nothing illness, until it happened to me.

I had just turned 16 when I was diagnosed with depression. In three weeks I'd lost a stone and a half in weight, become very withdrawn, barely spoke and according to one of my teachers at school "had a dead look" in my eyes. It lasted around 9 months in total and was the worst experience of my,relatively short, life so far. Many people thought I was just a bit down, that it's the same for all teenagers and I was overreacting but I guess I know better. I am perfectly sure it wasn't just teen angst.

In my case the cause was a variety of things. Firstly, it is present in my family. My nanan had a breakdown in her thirties and my grandad suffered with depression during his forties. However, until I was diagnosed with "clinical depression" I had no idea about this. Depression is rarely spoken about and still seems to be something we should be ashamed about and hide away as with many mental illnesses.
Secondly, I was under a lot of stress at school and in my personal life. I was a straight A* student and seemed to spend my life taking extra classes and the like. Up till then I'd coped well with the pressure and it felt like it was worth it to get the best grades. I can now safely say it wasn't.
My doctor also believed it could have be caused in part by Microgynon(I can't remember the exact spelling) the contraceptive pill I'd been taking. I can't say for sure if this is true as I came off the pill but it made no difference.


I have never known a feeling like being depressed and hope I'll never have to deal with it again. It felt like being completely alone no matter how many people were surrounding you. It felt like I was a burden to my friends an family and the guilt was unbearable. It felt like things would never improve, there was not even a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like I would never smile or laugh again. Mostly it felt like the tears would never stop falling.

I was suicidal but any attempts I made were more a cry for help than anything else. I grew apart from my friends and boyfriend at that time and stopped trusting anyone. As in many cases I barely left the house and had little contact with other people. I had panic attacks at the thought of going outside or people I speaking to me.

I saw psychologists and psychiatrists but in my case these were of no use at all. This is a reflection on me rather than them as I don't give up personal information very easily and NEVER talk about my feelings or emotions(part of the problem I know.) In the end it gradually went away with the simple but painful process that is time. One thing that did help was getting a dog. Firstly, it gave me something to do and something to care for. Also, I had to go outside in order to walk him and so was forced to overcome the panic I felt at this.

Today I'm still affected by depression but not in the way I was 18 months ago. However, I'm doing all I can to make myself into the person I know I should be. I still have feelings of panic when talking to people I don't know very well and even that someone with speak to me as I walk down the street. Due to trust issues I also find it extremely difficult to form relationships with people. To try and sort these problems out I moved to France as an au pair where I knew no-one. Extreme, yes. Did it work, yes a little. I still have to force myself to speak and make eye contact with people but get better day by day.
Secondly, as my doctor recommended I stopped school as it would only make things worse I dropped out 3 months before my GCSE's. Thanks to some very kind teachers and understanding exam boards I still got grades in several subjects but know I'll never return to education. It just doesn't seem worth the risk in my eyes.
I also find it very difficult to think about the future without becoming anxious and upset. Until an event comes around I have very little idea it is going to happen. It is almost like I've lost my concept of the future(?)

I never talk about depression in general and am not yet in a place where I can make lighthearted jokes about it. Honestly, my greatest fear is that it will come back and I don't know if I would be strong enough to deal with it a second time. Strangely I do feel strong for overcoming depression even though I understand others don't see it that way.
Writing this has been a positive experience as I've never explained any of it before. Putting it all on paper(or computer rather) gets it out of my mind and has helped me to think about it more clearly. Depression does scare me but theres a little voice inside of me that says I won't let it hold me back and refuse to let it rule my life.

Summary: Thanks for reading