My Name is Wendie and I need help (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: wendiewoo

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	30/03/01 (268 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Support can make you feel wanted and loved

Disadvantages: Its a killer.

Depression, mine started when I didnt even know how to spell the word, due to unfortuately being adopted then my parents immediately becoming parents I was unwanted, farmed to any Aunt who would have me untio at the age of 5 my grandparents on my mothers side took me in.

They loved me and all was well until my grandmother suffered Cancer and died, I had to go back to my parents as my grandad was grieving, by this time they were mum, dad and two girls all close, and me.

I was pretty much left alone which suited me, I had all the bullying at school as I was dressed in unfashionable clothes from jumble sales, but I found a great comfort in books....I could escape to anywhere and be anyone.

I thought i was normal until the day when I was 15yrs, my uncle had taken me home from a party and as I went to kiss him goodnight he asked for a proper kiss and went to kiss me in a way uncles dont kiss, nothing harmful really, I went in crying and a bit upset but went to bed, thinking it would be alright in the morning.

Oh I wish, the incident opened the part of my memory locked far away which remembered how I was abused time and time again. The nightmare I had that night I owuld not wish on my enemies, I woke up and what scared me more was I only had a part of a dream in my head...but I could remember the rest? seemed illogical to my mind so I tried to push it away, only to have the same dream again and again, always waking up and always knowing the end.

After 8mths I approached my mother and asked if something had happened to me when I was younger, and she said in such a casual way, that a friend of a friend, had abused me continuasly for a year, and I was only four at the time.

She then asked me to leave as she had been told I would never remember this and she was upset I had.

This was when I started to get depressed, I had no help or support and did not know how to deal with all this rubbish going on in my head, I
just blundered through life and when I started college I became the clown, it was easier to have everyone laugh at me and leave me alone, then be bullied. I was accepted and even now in my adult life most people knopw me as that nutter or the mad one, as in the fact I laugh and joke.

At one stage when I was stressed with exams and could not cope I tried to take an overdose, but it was a cry for help, I had my stomach pumped, taken home form hospital and grounded for two months. As you can see I had no support in my life.

I did have a dream, to meet a wonderful man, with a close family and they would love me instead, well I met the wonderful man but sadly he was raised by his grand mother and it was just the two of them, still we have some happy memories of the time we had before she passed away.

After ten years of unsuccesful fertility attempts it was a heartbraking day to be told we would never have children and this was when the depression took an even stronger hold. Before I used to have bouts of temper and shout for little reasons, and everyone would say it was because I was a red head..and I would think so too, not understanding depression as I do now,
and carried on being pulled into the grasp of an evil illness, unaware.

After a miracle, I had my daughter and after she was born, all the insecurities, the saddness of being told I would not have achild, the relief of holding her in my arms and all the other million bad feelings in my head emerged until I would wake up crying and feel sad all day.

I assumed it was tiredness and did not seek help, and it got deeper and deeper and deeper, until the day I sat watching my baby asleep in her crib and |I just wished I could fall asleep, and die in my sleep. I felt unloved, unworthy and I just did not want to live, I stared at my daughter and cried and cried.

I would love to say she woke up and smiled at me, which she did, and everything was alright, well this
is real life, I took the first step to admitting I need help, I spoke to my health visitor who told me I had severe depression and needed counselling and help form the doctor, this upset me, pills and help....not me I was just tired.

I did get the pills and I still have the counselling, but those feelings of being unloved and unwanted are still there, it is hard when someone asks how you are, and you tell them you are having a bad day as you are down, and they assume a joke and then saying cheer up, will make it all better.

Its a long proccess back to being "normal" but admiting you feel sad and having wonderful internet friends to talk to has really helped me, and the support and love I have from my husband will be the rock of our marriage, our daughter helps me focus on the fact I need to get these ghosts locked away in order she may have a happy upbringing,
and each day thanks to a new found religion I can thank God for so many things its now a joy to wake up each day.

I shared this with you to show how depression can start and take hold and never even be aware until it is too late, it doesnt just go away and it isnt a women thing, its an illness and untreated can cause much suffreing and grief. Its starts by feeling sad and tired and esculates, please if you feel at all unwell and feel in need "of a tonic" speak to someone, the first time you say, I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION, is the hardest after that you get help.


update****************

Ok.. the depression has had a stronger hold for a couple of months, hence my disappearance from dooyoo, however iIam climbing back and was given something from a good friend I would like to share:

I feel I really want to share a prayer that was given to me this morning. I am trying to deal with emotions of abuse, rape, depression, bad childhood and motherhood!! and am a little raw, a friend gave me this today which I feel might help some-one, even i
f you do not follow a faith, perhaps just the fact it seems to talk to you personally and the author KNOWS how you feel, will help you know you are not alone.

Dear God, I come to you with an overwhelming anger,
A bursting rage,
This rage is like a cancer shut up in my bones,
Eating away at my soul,
Today, I acknowledge this rage,
I do not suppress it,
Or hide from it.

Thank you Lord, Thank you for accepting me Rage and all.

Oh God I feel a burning rage within,
A fire gone wild,
Burning, always burning,
God I hate what was done to me,
It was so evil,
It was so wrong.
Why this evil?
Why this degredation?
Why? Why? Why?

My rage is the only power I have against this vicious world,
That's why I cannot let it go.
Don't ask me to let it go, I won't survive.

God I cannot seperate my hatred for what was done,
From the person who did it,
I despise the deed,
I loathe the person who did the deed,
My rage is my only revenge,
But my rage destoys me too,
I feel this seething anger searing from my soul,
Please help deliver me from this evil I owuld do to myself.

I REFUSE to allow this evil to control me anymore,
I WILL NOT be held in bondage to my hate any longer,
BUT, the strength to love, is not in me,
I must wait for your enabling,
Now with your help and great power and with atrembling heart, I speak your word of forgiveness...

May your healing light shine into every crack and crevice of my soul,
Rage once made me feel strong, but now I recieve your love, strenghtening me day by day.

I have not forgotten what was done to me,
I WILL NEVER FORGET
But today is the day I realise
I am NOT worthless, it WAS NOT my fault and I CAN break away and begin a new life where I AM IN CONTROL.

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>As I said even if you follow no faith, please take strength from the words, know not only have others been there and suffered similar deeds, but also you can recover and heal the wounds.

I hope this helps someone today, it made me cry but also gave a me a new meaning, someone cared enough to give this to me and in return I care enough to pas it on to YOU and wish you peace and be well.

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