The Ups and Downs of depression (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: witchwaysup

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	21/08/01 (50 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None I can think of

Disadvantages: See Opinion

After yet another lengthy spell of depression, I thought it would be a good idea to read through this review and update it. I read it as if someone else wrote it, I must have written this whilst still under the influence of my depression because it really touches the void of depression for me.

Nothing much has changed, prozac is still an essential part of my sanity, although it has numbed me into being practically unable to cry these past few years which is a shame, crying can sometimes be cathartic. Still, I would rather be like this than bursting into tears at the drop of a hat as I was when I was in my teens and twenties, that was a dreadful business.

I guess I am resigned to accept that depression is the downside of a sensitivity in me that has given me many good things in my life. Life emulates nature in general, both find their own balance. To have great highs there must be great lows to balance. An awful truth I fear. Nevertheless, it can be good to realise that however bad depression may feel whilst in the depths, there is a sure knowledge that if we hang in there we do come out the other side.

It seems to me that people have different ideas of what depression is. Here is my list of alternative words/expressions often perceived as describing depression.

Fed Up
Feeling blue
Down in the dumps

To me none of the above even scratch the surface of depression, only someone who has experienced depression can understand this though.

I have friends who tell tales of how they were really, really down, gave themselves a good talking to and pulled themselves out of it. I am all for positive thinking, which works well for any version of the above. Depression is a different ball game.

Depression causes physical change. It can manifest itself in many ways. Depression either causes chemical imbalance in the brain or chemical imbalance in the brain causes depression. I think it is an either/or, chicken an
d egg and all that.

I have been prone to depression on and off for about 28 years now. I can go several years without a hitch, then get smacked to the floor by a huge wall of depression. Alternatively I can slowly slide into a depression by degrees.

The first type of depression cannot be foreseen so no coping strategies can be set up in advance. Any appointments or major ‘do’s’ cannot therefore be avoided if one wants to keep up the pretence of being ‘ok’ and life is a living hell. I can put up an oscar winning performance to get me through the essentials in the short term, but if I cannot hide away in between sessions of pretending to be ‘normal’ and let myself fall apart a little, it becomes impossible to keep up the pretence.

The second type of depression is sometimes avoidable in the early stages. It starts off for me with letters not being opened. Then follows a period of not answering the telephone, starting off with ‘I can’t be bothered’ and ending up as merely ‘I can’t’.

Getting out of bed becomes nearly imp
ossible and seems a futile exercise. Showering and washing hair seems to require too much energy. Sleep gives some solace in the short-term, yet becomes a trigger for a deeper, darker stage of depression.

That’s the lousy thing about depression. Just when you think you have hit rock bottom, you find you have merely rested on a ledge and there is a deeper depth than you could ever imagine.

Guilt plays a huge part in the downward slide. As I find myself unable to make phone calls, write essential letters etc. I get eaten up with guilt. Much as I can't contact people I get huge waves of despair washing over me as I envisage my friends getting totally frustrated at my lack of communication, which some certainly do.

I am on the way back up from one of these at the moment. It felt at the worst as if I wa
s in an immeasurably deep hole. That deep dark hole was so wide I couldn’t find the edges to try and clamber out. (when I think in metaphors my disability disappears). Small gains (getting washed, making an essential phone call etc.) seemed to merely prevent me from falling deeper, not to raise me up from the gloom.

I keep scrambling up a few inches towards escape, then a wave washes over me and knocks me back down again.

Chemical intervention, although I hate to have to give in to it, is the only solution in this type of depression. Zinc deficiencies can sometimes cause clinical depression and in those circumstances, a zinc supplement alone can sometimes help. Women with hormonal imbalances can sometimes benefit from zinc supplements. Generally for me prozac provides relief and sets me straight again.

If you have never been in that deep dark void. If you have never felt like screaming at everyone/anyone, or felt hurting yourself would stop the confusion in your head. If you have never felt unable to concentrate yet constantly thinking, just not able to remember what about, if none of the above ever a
pplied to you, then be aware and therefore grateful that you do not know what depression is all about.

Summary: