TRUE BLUES ....... (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: broksababe

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	06/12/01 (60 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: Takes over your life

This is a subject that I feel is very important as not everyone can relate to depression or maybe think they are just down and it will go away but I feel that it is something people should be aware of, so hope my story will help

When I was younger I was always happy, bouncy, confident and enjoyed life to the full, yes I maybe said now and again I was depressed but who doesn’t, you think then that being off it for a day is depressed, well until the real thing hits you, you will never know how bad it really is.

I then got married at any early age, this only lasted a few years but I was fine, didn’t care, moved on and just brushed it off with no after effects as I was young enough not to let things get to me.

After this I met my long-term partner whom I was with 11 years, this was fine at the start, I was happy enough; although I never wanted to re- marry.
We even had a child, James who is now 9, but always at the bottom of my heart I knew things weren’t right.

8 years into the relationship things started to go drastically wrong,I became even more unhappy and my partner then started to become paranoid, he thought every time? I left the house I was meeting someone, this someone then became literally any man I was seen in the near vicinity of, every time I came home, he would question me, never believe a word I said and in the end become aggressive or violent.

After so long I started to dread even leaving the house, I would literally shake if I needed to go shopping, have panic attacks in the supermarket and bit by bit I not only came to hate him but I also ended up with mass depression, I lost all my confidence bit by bit, the bubbly me became the wary, scared me, something that scarred me for life. I was scared to go to sleep, didn’t like eating If he was in but would binge when he was out, all my energy left me and in the end I had to give my job as a chef up as I became to scare
d and worried to even work full time, and ended up with a part time job.

I had no idea it was depression at this time but blamed it on my situation, I could see myself being there for the rest of my life, being scared, always worried about everything, never feeling happy or being able to care about someone, I really thought this was my fate.
I was only diagnosed after I ended up at my GP in tears, shaking, she told me to get out, leave him for good and get away, and I deserved much better.

I was treated with Prozac, quite a strong anti-depressant but even this did not really help me at all to start with as it takes several weeks to work, I was rock bottom, but still trying to pretend to people I knew both on and offline that I was little Miss happy. Not the case.

In the end I got to the stage I couldn’t cope although the tablets helped slightly, but I was now so depressed with my life., I didn’t care, I had to get rid of my depression and I forced my partner to go, no more abuse no more hassle, I could not take any more.

This was a huge step at the time but being so depressed helped immensely, I did it, I got rid of the person who had made my life hell and in turn ruined me as a person.

I actually had to run away after that for a short time to my friend Louise (squiggles)
And she had to deal with the wreck that was left after it all! If I hadn’t had Louise to go to god knows where I would have gone.
I continued with my medication for several months and this also included sleeping tablets but these I passed on.

Things did change after several months and I finally found someone that helped me feel human again, I was still depressed at this time and my confidence only started to come back in bits, you somehow get a phobia that your worthless, or ugly or nobody will want to know you after being depressed and it takes a lot of time to actually feel right in yourself, and begin to
feel human again.

I did actually start to think that I was going to be happy and yes I got off the medication, it seemed all I needed was some happiness and security to solve my problems, and even my doctor noticed the change.
However things didn’t work out of course and what happens, yes the depression comes straight back. WHY? I always coped before but not now.

It seems once you actually suffer from this illness, you are prone to it, I have good days now where I can do anything, even laugh and joke but I also have bad days when all I want to do is either sleep or I sit and cry, the tablets are ok, they don’t sovle it at all , just take that bad edge off , I was offered counselling but it didn’t help me, but this could work for some people so guess it depends on your situation.

The fact that people think depression is a made up illness, in your head even annoys me more than slightly, it’s a damn nasty thing, something I never wanted or ever asked for I want to be my happy self again.

So what exactly are the symptoms?

Well these can vary from person to person but often a huge feeling of loneliness, sleep problems, eating disorders, not wanting to do anything but sit and mope or sleep, feelings or worthlessness, a short temper or mood swings, lack of confidence, inability to socialise.

As well as feelings of not being able to cope or want to do anything, including every day tasks, or even relying on alcohol to get you through the day.

Depression as I said affects people in different ways, there is no set cause for it, it can be a number of reasons from death, personal problems, financial worries to anything that has a strong enough affect on a particular person.

Yes we all have down days but these are nothing like real depression, you will know that you need help if the problem keeps returning and never improves.

And you will also know its more than
feeling blue believe me!

You should see your GP immediately, there are various medications available to help alleviate the symptoms, but as my GP said you also have to resolve the cause of your depression to be able to beat it long term and have the will to want to be normal again.

Counselling can help depending on the nature of the depression, give it a go by all means, it really could solve your problem.

Please go and see your GP though as this will not go away on it’s own, you really need help and cannot battle through it alone, things will only get worse believe me.

Above all try not to do what I always do and clam up, I find it hard to talk to people at times and never want to admit I’m depressed, but you can never keep up pretending that everything is hunky dory.

Your real friends or family won’t disown you, don’t be embarrassed by this problem, talking helps and you will find your real friends understand and want to help.

Well hope you now understand a bit more about depression from my unfortunate experiences with it and hope you NEVER have to deal with it.

I do not want to be depressed ever I just want the old me back, but now I realise just how fragile I have become and have to face up to depression yet again, keep taking the tablets and hope that I can be the old bouncy me again.


© Ana 2001

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