Me and my black cloud (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: jo1l

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	15/07/02 (164 review reads)
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My name's Jo and I suffer with depression, simple enough statement but it took me years to actually come to terms with it let alone admit it. The hardest thing anyone with depression can do is in my opinion is to actually admit it and then take the next step and seek help. The sense of failure is awesome, to hide it and just keep smiling is easy till you reach crisis point. I should know as I wasted years of my life

I am a shy person, you wouldn't think it if I told you about some of my exploits in the past, but I am. As a child and a teenager I was painfully shy and very clumsy. I was an obvious target for bullies, being head and shoulders taller than others I stood out like a sore thumb, add to the fact I was clumsy and would blush if someone even said hello to me it was no wonder I was target for bullies. You tell someone their weird, useless and continue to do that it's no wonder I had no self esteem or sense of believe in myself. As a teenager I hide behind a mask of spiky hair and make up. I tried to blend in to become invisible but failing miserably to do that. As a teenager I truely believed I was some kind of freak.

I found a way out of this by becoming politically active, for a while this was my salvation I had an aim to life. The shy teenager got up in front of hundreds and made speeches. I was happy, contented with life as I really thought I belonged somewhere. I wasn't a freak I was me and people actually liked me for being me, I was accepted for being me.

I'd never had a proper relationship till I was 19, I met someone and was swept off my feet. I was in love or so I thought. After a whirlwind romance I found myself engaged. He was alot older than me and had decided he wanted to settle down. I was 20 I was half way throw my nurse training and the life of domestic bless stuck in Hull suddenly became a nightmare senario. But the band wagon of planning a wedding carried on I desperately wanted off I didn'
;t want a white dress, his n hers matching rings and as for place settings at the reception I really didn't want to know. In the end I told him 3 weeks before the wedding I wanted out. An Aunt of mine still doesn't speak to me as her daughter was due to be bridesmaid!

About a week after I told him I couldn't go throw with it, he asked if I'd go round to his flat after I finished work at 1pm. I agreed to it I had to face up to things. Not feeling particualry brave I went with a friend to the pub I arrived at his flat at about 3.30pm to find he'd taken a bottle of sleeping tablets washed down with a bottle of vodka. He'd writen a note for me explaining that he'd only done it because he loved me. He was semi concious I got him to hospital to be greeted by one of my fellow students. My first reaction was one of pure and utter hatred for him. If he loved me why would he do such a thing?

The last time I saw him was lying on a hospital trolley. That image was to haunt me for years to come. What self esteem I had vanished over night, I truely believed I was evil. I hated myself. I embarked on a very self destructive phase in my life. Any one who tried to get close to me was pushed away, well I'd only hurt them and they most be weird any how if they liked me. I became a tart no other word for it, I hated myself so much I sought out the kind of men that I'd definetly warn my daughter about! I despised myself but this was away to punish myself for what I had done.

This carried on for about 18 months or so. Then I meet someone who is still today my closest friend. She was prehaps the first person who I could open up to. She actually liked me for me, there wasn't any mask I was me prehaps for the first time in my life. The cloud lifted, we had fun, we were awful when we got together looking back it's a wonder people still talk to us! I was happy.

An inccident happened, which I will not go into he
re. I blamed myself. It took me years to realise that it was not my fault. All I could see was a person who I cared for was hurting and I blamed me. I'd done it again hadn't I? The period after is a blur of drink, times when we managed to put on our look at us we're having fun act when we were secretly crying inside. A friend at the time told me I was strong, how wrong they were. To this day I'm not sure how I held down a job but some how I did. I think it was another of my masks I went to work and became someone else for 8 hours. Then came home and became another person. I was never me.

Eventually I moved to London, big city I could hide away and not hurt anyone. I met someone who on the surface appeared to be a kind caring person. I was obviously what he needed as I was so greatful that he showed me any kind of attention. Things looked up I tried to put the past behind me.

We moved out of London back to his home town, the relationship changed he held all the cards now. I was jobless, friendless and extremely depressed. Circumstances did change I eventually got a job, which I loved, that was to be my salvation for the 7 years I stayed in the relationship. I throw myself in to my job I gained some confidence whilest at work. Life at home was a different situation, I became a door mat or as a close friend said you were wall paper, you blended in, that spark you had, had gone. The only thing I had any control over was food I comfort ate, I piled on weight. I hated myself for doing it. I recently saw some photo's of me then I didn't recognise myself.

I recently found and old diary from that time,there were good days and bad days. I just had this cloud hovering in on the horizon. One thing scrowled on the back made me realise just how depressed I was:


Darkness incases my every move,
Surrounds me, Touches me
Darkness touch me with you deadly kiss
Take away me pain.

In the last years
of the relationship he gave up his job and became a student. Someone once asked me years later what he'd studied with some irony I replied half the females in the bar I think.He had numerous affairs. I was just there for the financial support and to give him a lift home after one of his nights out Why I stayed so long in such a damaging and abusive relationship can only be put down to the fact that if you hate yourself so much you believe that this is what you deserve and if you are told constantly by someone that you can't survive on your own as you are nothing you start to believe them!

How I found the strength to go looking back I'm not too sure. I think it was something to do with being 29 and staring 30 in the face. I knew if I stayed I'd be there at 40 at 50, at 60, until I died. Also I wanted a child, he was way too selfish to contemplate that. Also I knew I couldn't bring another person into that relationship, I couldn't damage another person.

For the first time in nearly 7 years I took control of my life. I once said Rosemary Connelly was my salvation and I wasn't joking. Bit by bit I lost weight till I'd lost nearly 3 stone. It was prehaps a false confidence but I was actually proud of myself, I had actually achieved some thing. The silly thing was I'd actually achieved quite alot up till then, I just hadn't realised it.

I left and moved back up north, I remember loading up my car with my personal possesions and leaving every thing else behind. There's a sign on the M62 which says Welcome to West Yorkshire, I cried as I drove past it as I was finally free. I believed that I really could start again. 6 weeks later I finally admitted I had a problem. I'd got up to go to work and found myself sat in my car unable to move, I'd had a massive panic attack. Why then and not before I don't know. I spent a few weeks off work and things did get alot better. I managed to rid myself of
some old ghosts. I actually started to have fun again.

As time passed I was very happy, I got married, two years later I had my beautiful daughter. I became confident, I actually liked myself I realised I was not a bad person. I had every thing I'd ever wanted. A good job, my daughter and a husband who genuienly cared for me.

It all fell to bits. My marriage ended I was a totaly failure. Again I'd managed to ruin every thing hadn't I? I'd hurt people that cared for me. Crunch time came about a month after my husband had left. I realised if I was going to be any kind of mother to my daughter I had to sort myself out. I made an appointment with my GP. I'd got this little speech all rehearsed what actually happened was I howled throw out the whole consultation, used half a box of tissues and ended up with a sick note for a fortnight. At the next appointment I did actually manage to string a few sentences together.

With the help of my GP and anti depressants I did get throw it. I'll admit it took me a week before I actually took one of them, I saw them as a sense of failure. I also saw a counsellor, being able to talk about every thing really helped. I finally laid to rest some of my old ghosts. I'm one of those people who is a great listeiner, I'll do any thing to help others but I bottle up my problems till it reaches crisis point.

That all happened 18 months ago. Today I feel I have moved on alot. I am more confident I know I can actually live life. The black cloud that has haunted me isn't there.Hand on heart I can actually say I like me and I am not a bad person. I'm me. I have finally started to be me.

Thank you for reading this rather self indulgent opinion. For others that are going throw depression please remember you are not alone, sometimes it might seem like it but you aren't. The hardest thing sometimes is to actually admit I wish I'd done that years ago.You can fi
ght it

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