My black cloud (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: fooyoo

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	09/10/02 (47 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It made me value life

Disadvantages: It grips you

"Without emotion, man would be nothing but a biological computer. Love, joy, sorrow, fear, apprehension, anger, satisfaction, and discontent provide the meaning of human existence."

Arnold M. Ludwig---1980

How true is that, but sometimes our emotions mean that our existence is so very painful.

Suffering from depression has really made me examine my life, and face up to so much that I had blocked out.

I had a happy childhood, my father was very strict, but my brother and I were loved, but I was always the black sheep, and as I got older this was more obvious. I liked to go out and get drunk with friends whilst my brother stayed home and was the model son. I left home at 18, as my father's disapproval became too much to bear, and from then I felt that I had to go it alone.

In 1993, on New Year's Eve, my mother died after being diagnosed with breast cancer a short while before. I felt that I did not build the bridges I should have, told her how much I loved her, and to this day I have no idea where she is buried, because whilst my father and I get on, I cannot ask him this question because it feels so awkward. My wife cannot understand this, but as she comes from a supportive family, this is so alien to her. 1st January 1994, the clouds above me darkened.

June 1995, I met my gorgeous wife, and I did not tell her that I was already living with someone at that time, but she was the spur to make me leave a life I was unhappy with, and also becoming involved with parts of the community who were never going to lead me anywhere good. For a while, the clouds in my sky were white and fluffy.

We married in 1997, and like all couples we have had our ups and downs, we have suffered severe financial difficulties, and still do at times, but we were a partnership and we worked together.

Once we were married, we were keen to add to our family, but by 1999 we had not been blessed, and we starte
d a long course of investigative treatment to treat our infertility. (My wife has polycystic ovaries, but it is still OUR infertility not her's alone), and within 6 months we were pregnant, with our due date around the Millennium. I have never loved my wife more, and the clouds were the purest of white cotton wool.

August 1999, we eagerly headed to the hospital for our 19 week scan, and were given the news I had not dared to hope for....we were expecting twins. We were truly blessed...but within 5 minutes my clouds were black and the air was choking me....one of the babies was very ill, and was likely not to survive. (My wife NikkiH has written a detailed opinion on this, so I will not go through it all). I felt so helpless, and I am ashamed to say I crumbled. I offered no support to my wife, she had to be strong for us both. Night after night I stayed awake just looking at the scan picture of my son who I would never know. My world seemed so dark from then, and I until my daughter was placed in my arms, I did not dare think she would be ok. I did not have the courage to see my son when he was born, and again at his funeral I was too weak to carry his tiny white coffin.

I cannot remember the first 10 months of my daughters life. I was on automatic pilot, leaving the house only when it was necessary, communicating with people only when it was necessary, and generally wishing I was somewhere else.

Then in November 1999, one Monday morning I decided I had had enough. I was dragging everyone down, and I could see how upset and frustrated my wife was, so I decided she would be better off without me. When she went to work, I got my daughter ready and took her to the childminder. I hugged her so hard I thought she would break, but I wanted her to remember me when I was gone. Walking away from her, I thought my heart would burst out of my chest with the pain. I went to the local shopping precinct, bought a bottle of vodka and some paracetamol
to go with the tablets I found at home.

I drove to a secluded nature reserve, walked a mile or so drinking the vodka and taking the tablets, and then I sat down and waited to die.

The next thing I remember is my wife being next to me at the hospital, but telling her to leave. I was so ashamed to have put her through this, and also because I had failed at something else, I couldn't even manage to kill myself. I endured test to check I had not damaged my liver, and then I was transferred to a physchiatric unit, where I felt so detatched and my world seemed so dark. This period of time is so vague to me.

After 2 weeks I was allowed home, but it was so strange to see everyone pussy footing around me. I hated it, I wanted to be dead. I don't know when this feeling eased and the darkness lifted, but for 6 months roughly I have enjoyed my life. There are still days when it is dark, but I tell someone, I pick up the phone, share my fears, which is something I never did before, and I am also on medication, which for some is a bad move, for me it is a lifesaver, and nothing to be embarrassed about.

90% of the time I wake up in the morning, look at my wife and daughter and realise just how lucky I am.

Thank you for letting me have free therapy on these pages.

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