The luggage we call life! (My Experience of Depression)

Member Name: MandyMinx

Product:	My Experience of Depression
Date:	19/12/03 (46 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: self esteem, feeling alone

I really want this review to be positive and helpful rather than me wallowing in self pity so I suppose I had better start with what depression is. You know all the text book waffle so I thought I would tell you what depression is to me.

Depression is the dark cloud that hovers over my head and pours hot tears over me on a bad day. It's that feeling that nothing is going right and nothing is ever going to go right again. It's the river of tears that flow at the slightest word, or look or mistake. It's the sleepless nights. It's the mirror in the hallway that shows the picture of the ugly woman with the sad face and no smile.
It's the feeling that most people would be better off without me in their live. Being a burden, being a fool, being afraid. This is depression to me.


So how did I get it? Why me?
I have found that people who have never suffered with depression very often find it really hard to understand how we find ourselves like this. Let me try and explain it in my own, simple way.


I think that as you travel through life you pick up plenty of suitcases along the way. Some of these cases are light and we have the time to stop and undo them, look at the contents and then put them away. Some of these suitcases however are much bigger and much heavier. We try to unpack them and sometimes we succeed but other times we end up stuffing the contents in the back of a drawer instead of checking through them and folding them neatly away. There is only so much room at the back of the drawer and when it gets too full it all comes tumbling out, all over the floor leaving a mess that has to somehow be cleaned up.


For me I had more suitcases than I could carry by the time I was sixteen. I had a mother who hated me. I had a father who was taken from me in the most tragic of accidents,I was homeless for a while, I was belittled and ignored. I managed to unpack some of my burdens but I pushed many of
them to the back of my cupboard. When the children were born I admit I found it hard. I wanted so much to be the perfect mum, to make sure they never had the childhood I had and I thought that meant abandoning my own needs and concentrating on those of my children. I hadn't time for all the luggage that being a mother left me holding, where did I put it? You guessed it. Back in the cupboard.
When my son was diagnosed as having Autism I found myself carrying not only suitcases but also two crates and a trolley. Show me a cupboard that could hold all that!
Mine couldn't. The doors bulged and then burst off, the contents came pouring out and my life fell apart.


It took me a long time to realise that something was really wrong with me. I lost my temper for no reason, I hated everyone and then I hated myself. I wanted people around me and then I wanted them to go away. My reflection in the mirror made me feel physically sick and all I wanted to do was lie around and cry.
I got so that my normal daily routines just didn't happen anymore. I had so much to think about, so much going on in my head that I didn't have time for anything else. The housework didn't get done and even my nightly pleasures like a long soak in the bath felt like a chore rather than a pleasure. Sleeping was hard as the thoughts that interrupted my daytime, danced in my dreams too so when I woke I was still exhausted.


So how did I find my miracle cure?

I didn't. I don't think you ever do.
I think depression is something that you have to learn to come to terms with, learn to live with and be aware that you are susceptable to for a long, long time.
Learning to live with it has meant having to learn more about myself. Learning about myself has meant taking a long look at my life and making certain admissions and promises along the way. I would like to share some of what I have learnt in the hope that it may help you too
if you ever feel that you need it.


I think one of the most important things I have had to learn is that I am not and never will be perfect and I can try to be as much as I want it will never happen. I had to realise that like everyone else I have my limitations.
It's ok to say no. It doesn't make you look bad or weak. It's actually a strength because it means that you have been able to realise that some things are beyond you and admit that. When you start to admit your limitations you will realise that people don't blame you for it, or even expect as much from you as perhaps you thought they did.
Look at the person next to you. Or your neighbour, or the pretty girl at the bus-stop over the road. Even though they may look perfect they are not. The have their problems too, maybe not as bad as yours, maybe worse, but they do have their problems because nobody is perfect.
I think we have to learn to like ourselves. It's so much more important to like yourself than to spend all your time worrying what everybody else thinks of you.





"If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? " Shantideva

Life can be hard and we all have our ups and downs. I don't know about you but I have spent far too long worrying about the things and the people who have shaped my past. I have sat and felt sorry for myself on a daily basis. I think sometimes it is more comfortable that way. Taking that big step away from all that is familiar can be very hard but I sat down one day and suddenly realised that I had wasted over twenty years being angry at the sins of my mother. Twenty years that I couldn't get back I don't want to lose another day. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they have beat me down.

Let people help you. It's too easy to try and ram everything back into the cu
pboard and carry on. Talking about your fears and your worries is the best medicine anybody can prescribe. You may well find that many of the feelings that scared you so much or made you feel so sad are justified. By talking them through you might find the strength to take a good look at your problems. You never know there might be a few that can then be folded up and put away. Having someone listen to you might be just what you need after all it was bottling everything up that got you in this mess in the first place. Try talking about things when they happen, that way they might not get trapped at the back of the drawer at all.


Be prepared to forgive yourself. Admit to yourself when you've made a mistake.
We all make them, it's just some of us are harder on ourselves than others and are less able to forgive ourselves. Admit when you were wrong, stop blaming yourself and move forward.



Remember to dream.
Life can seem pretty hard without something to hold on to and look forward to.
A dream doesn't have to be full of princes or princesses or castles of gold.
A dream can be of something simple and achievable. Something that will make you feel good about yourself or give you a sense of achievement, a sense of value, of self worth. Without our dreams life would be a pretty sad and lonely place.
Our dreams keep us going, our successes make us strong. Share your dreams with the ones you love. You might feel like they are shutting you out. Could it be that you are actually shutting them out?


I offer you this advice as it was offered to me. Please don't think that this is a miracle cure. There is none.
I have my good days and my bad days, my highs and my lows. At the moment I average 3 bad days for 4 good. A while back I felt that every day was bad and I had nothing left to live for. 4 good days is one hell of an achievement and I feel I am beginning to take my life back.

Go to th
e doctor. Let them know you need help. Admitting the problem is a huge step forward. Remember depression is an invisible predator, you can't see it coming or feel it either. You don't know its with you until you feel its claws around your throat, so don't blame yourself or others if you miss the warning signs.

I have a very low dose of an anti depressant. I feel very strongly that the strength to beat this comes from within and not from this little bottle but they help me sleep and sleep is something I am in need of at the moment.
My youngest son is being tested. The general feeling is that he too has some form of autism. I know now that I have to be strong but this time I am prepared to accept the help offered to me by my husband. This worry come by trunk not suitcase, but there are two of us carrying this one, not just me.



Thank you for reading the ramblings of this mad woman. If I have helped just one person then this op will have done what I intended.

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