I'm glad I held on in there for you gran (My Experience of Lung Cancer)

Member Name: cdcclub

Product:	My Experience of Lung Cancer
Date:	17/08/08 (72 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: tests every part of your ability to keep going

Disadvantages: the needless suffering and loss of a loved one

It has been just over a year now since I lost my gran and I think through writing this I could perhaps set it all to rest.

I thought that things were beginning to go well for our family in August 2006, my youngest son had just started in a language unit at a local school to help bring on his language development and I myself was accepted onto an HNC early education course at the local college.

The pressures of extended family life where eased as it was going to be a very busy year for me and to be honest I was glad of the break. We are a typical close knit family that do anything to help one another but me being the only female driver things tend to rest an awful lot on my shoulders at times.

Everything was just trundling along and routines where beginning to form with life and college and I felt like I was really making the most of myself perusing my goal of eventually becoming a speech therapist. That was up until things started to change.

For a good few years my gran had been suffering a lot of colds and chest infections and her local gp had never been overly worried about her even though she was a smoker she was still healthier than other 76 year olds so there was never any real cause for concern in anyone's eyes until in October she began coughing up a little blood in her flem. But our family still living in our happy little bubble didn't get worried because gran wasn't really bothered about it, we all just put it down to the fact that she had had so many colds over a long period of time and that was bound to affect the lungs.

How naive could we be.

It wasn't long till the gp sent her into the hospital in order for her to get a chest x-ray which showed up shadowing within the lungs and in order for them to know what they were dealing with they had to perform a bronchoscopy which is basically a tube with a camera placed into the lungs.

Now although my gran was 76 she had never actually been into hospital for any sort of procedure before so this was a scary thing for her to have to go through, I had taken the day off college in order for me to be around to support her. We had dropped her off and a few hours later where called to come into the hospital as my gran had became distressed. They wanted to keep her in over night has her oxygen levels became low and they wanted to keep an eye on her. She took some convincing I can tell you.

My gran has always been a strong woman that knew her own mind, she was the leader of the family so to speak and was never one to shy away in a corner she had her views and opinions and would let you know all about it in no uncertain terms. So to see her looking upset and helpless almost like a child made us all feel upset and helpless too. But my sister and I left the room had a cry and decided to suck it up and become strong for grans sake.

Luckily for my gran her oxygen levels were normal enough for her to return home but I think we all knew that it was the beginning of something more by the way all of a sudden the hospital kicked everything into high gear.

My gran was given an appointment to go see a consultant about the results of her lung biopsy and that's when we found out she had lung cancer, I wasn't with my mum and gran at the time as my gran had decided that my college work was important and I hadn't to take anymore time off. I think she had knew what was wrong then.

Being a close family my gran wanted everyone to know at the same time so we were all summoned to her house while she broke the news but yet she was still really positive about it . They had given her weeks and months to live but if she decided to go for chemo she thought she could live for years. I was very sceptical about this and did my own research into small cell lung cancer to see what her actual prognosis was as some how I was sure she wasn't being totally honest.

Ok so she had decided on going for chemo and radiotherapy and throughout it in the main was doing really well, I was given leeway with college and my nursery placement in order to help out with my gran, this did mean me an extra days placement instead of a study day but I caught up by staying up late most nights in order to complete my course. But it was hard a lot of the time and I never felt relaxed at all. I began to wear myself out and around Christmas time when I should have been looking forward to a break I ended up being ill and just plain exhausted.

Not only was I trying to keep my college life on track I also had to be there for my Husband my kids and support my mum and gran through all the what seemed like endless hospital appointments and the general day to day caring that goes along with any ill elderly relative.

Enough was enough and after Christmas I decided to quit college and concentrate fully on the family instead. It is a decision I will never ever regret and was so right for me personally at the time.

My gran had eventually finished her course of chemo and started looking forward to getting her course of radio therapy all over and done with so she could sit back and enjoy life again. I did my best at being a taxi and personal dogs body along with my mum and we took it in turns to look after my gran as much as we could.
But it wasn't long into her radiotherapy that it became clear to us that she was going down hill. She had much less energy than before and became a lot more confused as time went on. This was the beginning of the hardest few months of our lives. My gran being the independent sole that she was didn't want help from anyone except the family. This made it really tough for us to get a break.

When we weren't with my gran we were doing things for her and I was really missing my kids a lot also but I was lucky enough to have a supportive husband that knew all along that for the final months of my grans life it was so important for me to be there to help otherwise I would have lived with the regret.

I know my mum found it really hard to cope with everything and I ended up taking over the helm at times in order to get things done as by that time my gran had not only became really ill but the cancer had spread to her brain and confusion had set in. I never thought it would have been possible for me to find all the strength at the time but it came from somewhere.

My gran still had an iron determination to do as much for herself as she possibly could which would end up leaving her frail body in a heap on the floor if she tried to get up out of bed. It was not only heart breaking to experience but also frustrating too in having to give your gran into trouble and basically telling her what to do almost as if she where your own child. I went through many a moment holding back the tears and pain in order to just get things done.

In the week leading up to her death we eventually convinced her that we needed help and she allowed both the doctors, health car workers and the MacMillan cancer care nurses to come in and out to aid us with her care. But she did so under protest all the while trying to keep herself in as much control as possible. I think this was when the penny dropped for her that she was nearing her final journey.

I found this part really hard I never wanted to be away from my gran by that point but knew all to well I was not only running myself into the ground but also neglecting my kids too. My kids had a lot of things I should have been supporting them with as it was the last week of school before the summer holidays and there was shows and displays on that I needed to attend. I felt like my world was about to be torn apart by this point, I couldn't eat or sleep they only time I felt any sort of strange normality was when I was with my gran but that was because I was actually hiding behind a mask just for her sake.

I had hit a wall, I hated it all the pressure the looking after my gran, supporting my mum the fact that I felt life was so dam unfair. I just wanted to tear my hair out and scream never before had I experienced this level of intensity of emotions without someone just being there saying "Hold on a minute what about you, do you need some care and attention.?" but it did hit me That I had been keeping everything all bottled up inside, I told my mum that I couldn't handle things and needed a break for a while. That night my husband knew just to leave me alone in my room and I thought that the tears would never stop coming, waves and waves of pain hit me in every part of my body and I just couldn't even think of moving from the one spot, I must have eventually fell asleep that night and I woke up in the morning still wearing my clothes from the day before. I am so glad that I did take the time to let it all out as it benefited me in the long run.

My grans body was eventually giving up, she stopped wanting to eat or drink and in time little sparks of the woman that once was just began to disappear. Our family were fortunate enough to say there goodbyes whilst she was still vaguely conscious and aware of the people that surrounded her. It was hard to watch my brothers visiting my gran and being shocked by how ill she was but I will never forget the time my eldest brother came in to see her and I shouted over to her
" gran, here's our Tom in to see you" she had the biggest smile on her face and turned her head towards him, but she never managed to speak or open her eyes but was content in the fact that her blue eyed boy was here to see his granny, It was the last real part of happiness I was ever to see.

She had lapsed into a coma later that night and still hung on for another day for us when she decided enough was enough and she gave up on life altogether. We were fortunate enough to have had the nurses by our side when she passed away and I felt an almost unbelievable sigh of relief when she sighed her last breathe almost as though when she let go off life she was letting me let go of all the stress of the months of love and care we had shown her.

It was easy in the lead up to the funeral not to have to deal with all the emotions and feelings at the time because we were all so busy with arrangements and sorting out my grans house. But it did kick in eventually but not as I would have thought. I did get teary and sad but also had a feeling of relief too that for my gran all her pain and suffering had ended and she was in a much happier place.

I am sure my gran is truly thankful to us all the way we took care of her and I feel if I had to do it all again I would. It is strange that how in life you can draw strength from somewhere when you need it and I can honestly say I have absolutely no fear what so ever of death.

Cancer is certainly a very cruel and unrelenting disease that really does test a carers love and devoting right down to the very core of your soul but I drew from this experience a bond with not only my gran but also my mum that I never knew existed before and I am grateful for that.

I have to make sure at times even now not to keep my emotions all bottled up as I am not and never will be superwoman and when you feel something whether it be good or bad its just Gods way of telling you you are alive.

I do apologise for this being so long and appreciate you reading about how cancer has affected my life.

Summary: I love you gran and hope I did you proud.