OCD and what it means to me (My Experience of OCD)

Member Name: Gemm85

Product:	My Experience of OCD
Date:	12/09/09 (54 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: Stress, anxiety, compulsions, too many to list

OCD and what it means to me.

After some consideration and in order to try and help others who wish to understand a little more about this condition, I have decided to review the bane of my life! Maybe you know someone who has OCD or has strange behaviours and rituals. Maybe you are concerned you might have OCD yourself. So here goes, I hope you enjoy the read :)

When I come to think about it, I've always been a bit odd. The thing that struck it home to me most recently was when a couple of years ago, my mum showed me a photo of myself when I was about 7 years old. I was having a picnic on the grass with some other children and I was the only child who wasn't sitting on the grass, instead I was squatting down over my shoes! I said to my mum that she must have just taken the photo at a bad time - but she told me I had refused to sit on the floor that day! (I still don't do this and cringe when I see people who are!)

I was formally diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by a psychologist about 5 years ago, after suffering from stress due to constant worrying over my irrational thoughts and fears. It engulfed my life so much that when it got to the point when I was signed off work due to concentration problems, I decided that I had to talk to someone about my mental health.

I had heard of OCD before but always connected it with those people who feel the need to flick the light switch on and off. In reality there is a huge scope to the various forms it takes in different people and affects all sufferers individually. There is unfortunately still a stigma attached to this illness, which saddens me as I don't feel that I can explain to people why I get the uncontrollable need to wash my hands after doing something I consider 'dirty' (such as using someone else's pen, shaking hands) without being judged.

Usually people who develop this illness have tendencies towards obsessive compulsive behaviours all their lives and then, at some point there is a 'Trigger' which sets you off into the downward spiral.

In my case it has manifested as fears of contamination, germs, dirt and disease. My first trigger was at the age of 16 when we got two family kittens. I had always loved cats and up to that point the thought of the dirt they might bring into the house hadn't crossed my mind. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started getting these itchy red spots shortly afterwards, and it turned out these darling little kittens had brought ringworm into our house. From this point onwards my life just hasn't been the same. The trigger had been fired, the deed was done, if these kittens didn't have this condition it would have happened sooner or later with something else.

Although the kittens were treated, got better and grew up into lovely cats, I got treated at the doctors for my itchy rashes which went, there were still those lingering what-if thoughts in my mind. What if the cats catch something else? What if I catch something off another person? What if... This started off my impulsive hand washing whenever I had come into contact with something I thought might be unclean.

I still thank god to this day that I had already met my boyfriend (now husband) at this point, because I really don't think I could now let myself get so personally close to different person. I find it very difficult to shake hands with people, let alone do anything else!

OCD acts as a spiralling cycle. It starts off with the Thought (What if my hands are dirty?) The Compulsion is acted upon (to wash hands) and the Result is - Clean hands, free from dirt and germs, I don't get ill. The longer this goes on and you don't get ill or catch anything by engaging in this sort of behaviour, the more it is reinforced into the mind that 'Hey, this is working, I'll carry on!' and starts to spiral out of control. The more you handwash and don't get ill, the more important it becomes to engage in the compulsion. This can lead on to avoidance techniques, such as picking up dirty items with a tissue to protect your hands (something I admit to doing!)

This model can also be applied, for instance, to someone who has a theory that unless they flick the light switch on and off 10 times, something bad will happen. The thought is 'What if something bad happens?' The compulsion is to flick the light switch on and off, and more often not the result is - nothing bad happens. The brain then thinks, 'hey, this works! ' and so then this individual will start to worry that if they don't carry out these rituals, something bad will happen. The more the theory is tested and proves correct, the more they are compelled to engage in the ritual.

In acting upon the compulsions, you are teaching yourself to experience a sense of relief and a safe feeling. However, by engaging in the compulsions or avoidance techniques, you are only fuelling the thoughts and continuing the cycle because you believe your actions are having a positive effect.
No matter how much others tell this person that what they are engaging in has no effect whatsoever on external events, there is still that tiny niggling 'What if?' thought. 'What if I don't carry out my rituals and something happens? Did I cause it? Best carry them out anyway, just to be on the safe side. " This is the OCD talking, because a rational person can see that it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whether they do their rituals or not. In my opinion, this is the line between people who have OCD and those who do not.

Others may experience irrational thoughts and fears from time to time in their lives, such as wondering whether they locked the front door, unplugged electrical appliances, etc. This does not necessarily mean that they have OCD unless it starts to affect their everyday life and gets in the way of 'normal' activities.

My Irrational Fears and resulting compulsions/avoidance behaviours:

- Shaking hands. I have the overwhelming urge to avoid shaking hands wherever possible. If I cannot avoid this I will spend as much time as I can checking out their hands to see if they look clean or not. I'm unsure why I bother as I know I am going to wash them anyway at the earliest opportunity!

- Money. Money is filthy to me. The thought that some bank notes out there have probably been up someone's nose and are covered in drugs makes me sick to the stomach. I engage in avoidance by carrying as little cash as possible and if I'm allowed to pay by card then I do so, even for silly amounts like the cost of a pack of chewing gum. If the shop says it ok, I go for it! The new chip and pin system has however become somewhat of a problem for me, as in the days of signatures I would carry my own 'safe' pen to use. This is a tricky one as you can't demand to sign your receipt, so it's quite convenient that I have long nails as I use the very tip to press the keys on the pad then use some of my antibacterial hand gel. Whilst this is no substitute for washing it offers me a small amount of comfort until I can get to a sink! It will come as no shock that I like to do a LOT of online shopping!

- Flies. It's a well known fact that flies are quite partial to a bit of doggy doo. So you may be able to imagine my horror if one gets in the house and starts crawling all over my possessions. What if it transfers some particles of dog mess into the house? Best clean all the surfaces (compulsion), or better still make sure in future that no flies get in by keeping door openings to a minimum (avoidance). I NEVER open my windows in case a fly gets in. For the same reasons, I don't hang my washing outside to dry. What would be the point in that, as soon as you bring it in it's as good as dirty again, besides 'What If' a fly crawled all over it?

- New clothes. I flatly refuse to try on clothes when I'm out shopping. I'd rather take them back if they don't fit. My twisted logic is this: someone unclean or with a disease may have tried on the same thing just before me. I know this seems silly and the chance is probably one in a million, but that tiny chance is good enough for my OCD to kick in. My avoidance is to buy the clothes, then try them on at home where I can be a bit safer and have a good shower straight after (compulsion). If I decide to keep them, they go straight in the wash before wearing them. I buy most of my shoes online so that there's little chance someone has tried them on, nevertheless I clean the insides out as best I can with antibacterial wipes.

- Door Handles. How many times have you been in a public toilet and seen someone walk straight out without washing their hands? Spreading their germs over the door handle that everyone else has got to touch. I avoid these places like the plague and would rather wait until I am bursting before venturing into one. Working full time however, this isn't really an option so I have developed avoidance techniques to cope when I have to. When choosing a cubicle I make sure there is paper in there, then use this to lock the door behind me. I don't touch the seat, I 'hover'. I'm not going to explain this one in any further detail, I'm sure you can work it out for yourselves! I've become an expert at this over the years! More paper to flush and exit the cubicle, then hands washed several times. Now comes the problem, how to get out. If it's one of those ones with no door and just a curved walkway, excellent. If there's a paper towel dispenser, excellent again, I just use one of those around my hand then find a bin pronto to deposit it in outside. The worst is when there are no paper towels available and a door to get through. In these circumstances I either wait for someone else to exit and follow behind them, or wait for someone coming in and nip through whilst the door is still open.

Those are my main fears, I have many other smaller rituals but listing them all I'd be here for days.

Putting all this into writing I can see how 'normal' people might think I'm strange!

When I was officially diagnosed, my psychologist wanted me to try and overcome it using a technique called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT for short). The premise of this is to try and break the cycle by exposing yourself to situations that would cause you to act on a compulsion or engage in avoidance behaviours, such as shaking hands and not washing them, touching door handles and not washing, etc, then to last as long as you can and let the anxieties just 'be there' without carrying out your safety ritual. The idea is that the more often you put this into practise, the amount of time it takes to reduce the anxiety you feel from not engaging in your ritual will decrease until you barely feel the compulsion anymore. It's like re-programming your brain.

Unfortunately this wasn't the route for me, what I went through during this therapy was absolutely horrific and I couldn't stand more than a few sessions. I read up on CBT at the time and although I can see how it works in the long run, it takes a very strong person to overcome their natural urges. This is why people are often prescribed anti-depressants to help them feel less anxious, I have been on this type of medication ever since and have found it much more helpful than the CBT.

There is very a wide spectrum of OCD behaviours, such as excessive hoarding, checking locks and appliances an unnatural amount of times, intrusive thoughts, to name a few. As this review is about my particular experiences I won't go into too much detail on these. One type that I do find quite intriguing is called Pure O. This takes place in the mind and means that the person only suffers from unwanted Obsessive thoughts and does not act on these by engaging in any outward physical compulsions or rituals, but that does not mean that they aren't carrying out some kind of mental ritual in their mind. Outwardly they may seem just like a person who does not suffer from this disorder, but inside they are having internal nightmares over their thoughts. This particular type of OCD causes extreme anxiety, as opposed to those who do engage in compulsions and rituals as they take their relief from that. I feel very sympathetic towards these individuals as I can imagine what they are going through all in their mind.

I've had several, what I call 'flare ups' over the years, when my symptoms have increased and I felt more need than usual for carrying out my compulsions. One was when we moved house, another was when I changed jobs. The increased stress and anxiety over these periods would cause any natural person to feel a bit stressed, this coupled with OCD triggers me off into worsening my behaviours as a way of dealing with it.

I take comfort from the fact that there have been many successful people in history who are thought to have suffered with OCD. Some of these are businessman Howard Hughes (portrayed in the film The Aviator), and authors Samuel Johnson and Chares Dickens.

One of the most frightening things to me is the fact that when I've had a couple of drinks and get a bit tipsy, all of my compulsions seem to go out of the window. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts are still there, but inexplicably they just don't seem to matter. I can certainly see how some people might be tempted to drink more to deal with this and become alcoholics. I do look forward to having a night out and a drink, because for a few hours I can easily forget about my disorder and become somebody else. For this reason I try not to do this too often, literally only a couple of times a year as the more time I spend in a blissful state of ignorance the more tempting it might become.

I don't think I'll ever consider returning to CBT sessions unless I have another particularly bad flare up, I am able to cope with most of my compulsions at the moment and wouldn't want to upset the apple cart whilst I'm doing OK.

Another thing that may eventually become a problem for me is having any children. I've never been a maternal type anyway, that's not to say that I don't want any but I just don't know how I'd cope. I certainly wouldn't want to pass on any of my behaviours to them but the urge I'd have to tell them to wash their hands excessively may become too great.

So, what does OCD mean to me? It means never being able to comfortably shake someone's hand. It means worrying whether others notice my compulsive behaviours. It means constantly having those niggling 'What if' thoughts. But I've learnt to live with it, and am coping at the moment.

Whilst CBT was clearly not for me, I do however feel that the anti-depressants have helped me somewhat. I feel more able to cope with my OCD and my stress levels have reduced considerably since taking them. Prior to this I was in a mess and it was all I thought about, I was wondering why this was happening to me and asking why couldn't I just be 'normal'. I still have all the same thoughts and compulsions but somehow they seem less significant and I have been more able to accept my OCD for what it is, a part of me. Like it or lump it!

Summary: OCD may be helped by CBT - but not for me!