its not just the person with the illness who suffers we all do.... (My Experience of Schizophrenia)

Member Name: havanna

Product:	My Experience of Schizophrenia
Date:	09/04/07 (97 review reads)
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After years of watching my mother suffer with this awful disorder i have decided to tell my side of things..

Here i am at the tender age of 8 watching what i thought was my mom just being very happy.Nothing wrong with that i hear you say but when you come across someone who is usually as timid as a mouse and too shy to do anything out in public, You suddenly begin to realise there is something not quite right with the picture. My mother was 28 when she suffered her first breakdown and to be honest at 8 you don't realise the extent of what is actually happening around you.
I mean my biggest worry was that my dolly would not fit in my pram!!
But for my mom her world was totally thrown upside down..

All i remember was my mom constantly laughing at such a high pitch cackle and talking out loud,I remember being in bed at night listening all the time and when i called who you talking to mom she used to shout sorry bab im on the phone i'll be quiet now..She didn't though...
As time went on things began to get worse mom went from being over the top happy to suddenly being aggressive and thinking everyone or everything around her was evil....That was including me i was "the devils child" i had to be destroyed..I remember being screamed at i was no good i was evil and i should be dead.You imagine being a little child and having your mom right in your face saying die i want you dead!!!!!! its heartbreaking I loved my mom with all my heart and didnt understand why my mom would say these nasty things to me..
I used to go school and couldnt understand why everyone was whispering behind my back or even worse laughing at me and calling me the looney's daughter , all because they had seen my mom out in the street laughing and talking to herself...My childhood was ruined by this illness and it wasnt me that had it..
Mom was finally sectioned after 6 months of running riot around our local village when she tried to burn the house down with me in it...Luckily a neighbour saw what was happening and called the doctor to let them know what was happening..I remember them turning up with the police the fire brigade and all the community health team..I was then shipped off into a foster home while mom went to get "better"..I hated being fostered i had to move school and go live with people i didnt know..I could have gone to stay with family but they were selfish and unless they got something out of it they had no intention of getting involved..
I finally went back home after 12 months, mom did her 6 month section then had a bit extra added on because she still wasnt right..

It was great having mom back i was able to go back to my school play with my friends..Yeah my friends i suddenly didnt have any they were to busy laughing and taking the mickey out of me and why???there wasnt anything wrong with me.....But there was because i had a mom who was "different"

Things were great for about 3 years mom was assigned a community nurse who came out monthly to give her her medication And mom started feeling "normal" again.Great i thought but boy how wrong was i......
I didnt know that mom wasnt letting the nurse in to give her the injections she needed ..Mom knew best so she thought..
With in 8 months we were back to square one but me being older now knew something wasnt quite right so this time i called the doctor and said what was going on..I was told nothing could be done because she was not a danger to society.I mean come on how stupid is that!!!!!!!!!!
Mom was a smoker and if she couldhnt have a fag as she put it she would go ballistic..She used to befriend all the younger lads to get there fags off them i would come home and find them about to knock my front door for my mom..They would see me and run off.
Now i was nearly 13 and seen things differently i saw what was going on.Saw my mom being so out of it it was untrue..Now i was in high school with new people and i had made lots of new friends who knew nothing about my background until now.
I was mortified to be asked by a boy a few years above me if i was so and so's daughter..I used to say no at the time because i wanted to be me and not known for having the mom who was the local looney as they put it....
Mom ruined my high school as well she wrecked all the text books i bought home threw away all my work so when it came time for exams i had no revision to fall back on..I was assigned a school social worker who was great to me,Helped me get the revision notes etc i needed but with all the pressure of being fostered out again and the trouble my mom was causing for me i failed all my exams and had to go back to school..
I think the worst time for me during this period was when i came home after being with my friends, mom was asleep so as usual i locked up and made sure everything was secure before i went to bed.Dont be misled and think i was out all hours of the night this was 9pm..It had been like this since i could remember from the age of 8 i had gone from the child to acting as the mother i used to cook clean and even go get the shopping because if i didnt i didnt eat..Anyway i was just about to get into bed when i heard something so i went to have a look what it was..It was mom about to go out on one of her usual nightly walks,she used to do this and sometimes not come back until the next day she used to worry me sick..
Mom was in a right rage tonight,all i said was why you going out and that was it she went ballistich and got me pinned up against a wall threatening to put the knife she had just grabbed in to my throat and send me back where i belong...All i remember is her screaming at me then the police breaking the door in and getting me out..I then went to live with an uncle of mine for quite a while and yet again mom was in hospital..
The final straw for me was when i found out i was pregnant..I had told mom i was expecting my baby expecting her to be happy but instead things went really bad..I had to be moved away from my home because she totally went nuts at me..She became obsessed saying id pinched her baby she would kill me if i didnt give her her baby back....Now was the time i break away and raise my family and give my child the stability i never had...

Mom found out where i was living , i was determined i was not going to let my child's mind be messed with as a result of schizophrenia it was bad enough i had had to go throught the childhood i did...I gave mom an ultimatum and said to her go get yourself treated get yourself well again or i will not be able to allow you into my home..I have to be totally honest i didnt trust my mom with my baby.I had so many reasons not to And i bet there are some of you reading this that think im cruel not letting my mom near my baby at the time but unless you live with this you have no idea..
I loved my mom and still do sadly she passed away 7 years ago never ever beating schizophrenia she truly believed there was nothing wrong and it was everyone around her who had the problems...She did get to know my daughter in the end but unfortunately not for long enough..My mom was 48 when she passed away and i look and think what a waste of a life not only because she was still quite young but because she lost 20 yeas of her life to this illness and for what???
I still now am effected by what happened when i was younger it has made me a harder person, I made a few mistakes along the way nothing bad i just picked the wrong partner and spent many years in a violent relationship but now have found light at the end of the tunnel.For the first time ever i am truly happy and at peace i have a great daughter a fantastic partner and a gorgeous baby boy..
Thankyou for listening x

Summary: evil illness that never truly goes away