My experience (My Experience of Schizophrenia)

Member Name: Rhiana

Product:	My Experience of Schizophrenia
Date:	03/06/09 (97 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: There are none

Disadvantages: Plenty.

I've hummed and ahhed about writing this review, in fact as I write it I don't even know yet if I'll publish it.

I have never suffered from schizophrenia, but I have lived very closely to someone who does. The main reason I'm unsure about this review is that I can't give personal direct experience, and very much do not want to ridicule my ex-husband. I also have some very negative and selfish opinions relating to living with a person suffering schizophrenia. I'm not proud of them, but I am human and have a tolerance level. I don't want to offend anyone who may be suffering by writing my experience of living with the person who is diagnosed.

I met the man, who is now my ex-husband, 7 years ago through mutual acquaintances. The first thing he said to me, within seconds of meeting me, was that he was going to marry me. Ok, we weren't teenagers, both well into our twenties, but I found it flattering. He continued to try and woo me, in a pretty off the wall, relentless, eccentric but incredibly endearing way, and eventually I gave in.

I was instantly attracted to his uniqueness. He was charming, funny, fanciful and generous. He was open about his diagnosis from the off, and despite the concerns of friends and family, I fell in love.

He told me quite openly about his bad times, he'd spent quite a bit of time in hospital but was now doing incredibly well with fortnightly ijecective medicine and suppoert from the community mental health team. He had a good job, as a very skilled joiner and woodwork craftsman, and apart from seeming a little eccentric at times, had what most would call a 'normal' life.

Obviously, I was worried to begin with about his illness. I knew very little about it, and what I did know was gleaned from movies or news headlines.

Let me clear this up now. My ex husband is not a psychopath. He does not have a 'split' personality. He is not into devil worship, nor does he think he is Jesus. He is not violent, has never performed satanic rites on me, thought he was Elvis, committed murder or howled at the moon. Just a few of the things I have been asked in relation to my ex husband.

I'm not going to go into the experiences he had/has. it's not my place to do so, I have no horror stories to give you here I am afraid.

Life for us together went pretty well for a few years. To anyone, we were, in fact WE WERE, a normal couple. We got a nice house, we worked hard, he embraced my son from a previous relationship, we tried for a child of our own.

Knowing about his illness, I was always concious that a relapse would possibly, probably, happen. Yet despite my preparations, reading up on the illness, talking to his psychiatrist and CPN, I was naive to what the full impact of a relapse would actually be like.

That happened between 4 and 9 month after my daughter was born. The man I'd fell in love with vanished, quite slowly to begin with, then overnight. To say it was a shock is an understatement. I was a new mum, which is difficult to start with. But just as I felt we where settling into our new family dynamics, things went crazy. Quite literally.

Perhaps it was the pressure of being a Father that created the relapse, or maybe it was just inevitable....who knows. While I'd always prepared myself for the possibility, what I hadn't prepared myself for was how I'd cope and feel.

Like I said above, I'm not writing this review to ridicule my ex-H, or to give 'shock factor' stories. The effect my ex-H's illness had on him was far more subtle than anything you see in a film. He became irrational and illogical, ambitious in a delusional way.

The first thing to change was our friends. As my husbands illness became more apparent, they disappeared. I didn't blame them. I wouldn't have wanted to be around such bizarre behaviour. I was permanently making excuses for him, and eventually just cut myself off so I didn't have to. I wouldn't go to any social gathering with him for fear of being embarrassed. Shameful I know, and not a good feeling, but a real one.

Secondly was our home. He was the main wage earner and just decided to quit work, one afternoon, just like that. I was incredibly frustrated, think of banging your head against a brick wall. Thats how it was just trying to get the mundane but nessaccery parts of everyday life through to him. In 6 months I became a new mum, full time wage earner and full time carer, in a way I never anticipated.

Life at home became incredibly difficult. I tried to empathise and care, I really did. But part of me hated him, wanted to him to just get a grip, pull himself together. I know that's not possible, but being there I couldn't help it. People think that schizophrenia sufferers are violent. I'm ashamed to admit, that I instigated any violence out of sheer frustration.

Eventually my ex-H began refusing medication. It's a classic symptom of a relapse, however he didn't see it like that. I suppose from any one else, the request to see how they got on without medication would be reasonable. For my ex, it meant crisis.

I realised I couldn't live like this, and we separated. I know that some people, indeed some of his family, resent me for this. I married in sickness and in health, yet his sickness was more than I could deal with. Had he a physical illness I suppose things would have been different, and for this I feel I treat him unfairly. I have to protect my children though, and myself, and I had to say enough. At times, I still hate him and resent his behaviour. The rational side of me knows it's not his choice and I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself that I can't live with his illness.

The care and trust of a good CPN is a paramount, in my opinion, to living with schizophrenia, both for the patient and the family. Unfortunately, after having an incredibly constructive and trusting relationship with my ex's CPN, he moved on. Several 'duty' cpn's are not coincidental to my ex's relapse.

The most distressing thing for me, after seeing my husband dissapear into the shell he is now, was the lack of understanding and support from friends and family members. I could see the 'I told you so's' in my parents eyes, and felt a complete failure. I couldn't help him, or keep him safe when he needed me too. It had been a disaster like they predicted. Our 'friends' had baled out long ago. Craziness is contagious, or so it would seem. And who wants to be around a crazy person? Or his family? Despite being divorced for 3 years, I still feel incredibly lonely. 'Those friends', well I wouldn't want them back, new friends...well I'd have to explain...

We've been separated 3 years, yet I'm still caring for him, sorting out his problems, dealing with things. It's more distanced now, but still I get the phone calls in the night. I feel sorry for him, I do. I wish things could be good. But I hate him too. It's so selfish what he does to me, yet he can't help it. I couldn't even imagine being able to move onto another relationship. "and this at the door at 4am is my crazy ex"

But most of all I worry how it affects my daughter. She is 4, and had regular supervised contact with her father, however at present this has broke down again. I know that having a parent with schizophrenia increases your own vulnrabilty by 10% so I strive to give her the most stable and calm life I can. At 4 years old she is very accepting of her father, I'm unsure how things will be as she gets older. Perhaps she too will resent me for abandoning him. I really only want to protect her from distress.

I always thought I was an understanding and tolerant person, but have found I am not. I'm sure it seems cruel to leave a sick partner and take away their family, and I do feel some guilt for that, it was a matter of personal survival though otherwise my own sanity would be at risk.

My advice to anyone with a friend or relative diagnosed with schizophrenia would be to build an understanding support network. Be actively involved and communicate with health proffessionals, while they have to respect a patients privacy it's important you build trust with them, as having this support is invaluable. There are lots of useful internet sites and forums which offer support to family and friends, and I found these very helpful at times.

While it is important to support the person, it's also important to take care of yourself. Never feel guilty about wanting out, although thats easier said than done.

Living with a person with schizophrenia, while ill, is like living in a vacuum. It's isolating, unpredictable, frustrating and at times I wondered if it was I who was irrational. You are constantly alert and on eggshells, waiting for a relapse, and any slight oddity, just the tiniest off the cuff remark are vagually unusual behavior has you panicking, anylizing and fearfull that things are going to go down hill again.

The CPN who we were both very close too told me that a person with a serious Mental health problem is far more likely to be attacked than to be violent themselves, and in my experience I would agree. My ex-H has been attacked verbally and physically, and myself and my daughter have been subjected to verbal abuse twice in the past while with him. I feel deeply sorry for him, but it's just not the life I want my daughter exposed to. It's difficult to determine where illness and personal responsability seperate, I can't understand why he puts himself in some situations, and carries on drinking or smoking canabis after not doing for so long and being so well. I made excuses for a long time, perhaps it's cold and unreasonable of me to not do so anymore.

Schizophrenia is as equally distressing and destructive for those around the sufferer. I hope I have managed to convey the difficulties entailed, without painting my ex husband in a bad light. It will not just effect him for his whole life, but my daughter, and less so, me. I'm not proud of the fact I couldn't live with his illness, and feel great pity for him, as I realise it's not his fault. I guess I'm more selfish than I thought. I'd just like to let anyone who is going through a similar experience and feeling the same things that you are not alone, and while it's incredibly sad, you need to do whats right for you too.

I decided to go for it, and submit my review. Thanks for reading.

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