Self-Harm and My Life! (My Experience of Self Injury)

Member Name: marymoose

Product:	My Experience of Self Injury
Date:	20/02/08 (174 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Self-Harm is a coping mechanism, albeit a negative one

Disadvantages: Harming the self is not a good thing

This is a review which I originally wrote for Ciao.co.uk when I first joined in 2006, but has been revised several times, with this on dooyoo (May 2009) being the latest incarnation!

This 'review' starts with my personal experiences of self-harm, and then moves on to talk a bit about my self-harm charity work. I will also give information about self-harm (and sources of further help and support), and how to help someone that you know who self-injures.



---My personal experience of self-harm---

(possible TRIGGER warning - basically this means that it could be upsetting and might lead someone who already self-harms to feel that they want to hurt themselves)

Please bear in mind, this is MY personal story. While people who self-harm can share many things in common, this is my story, and it is unique to me.
It was around 1994/5 when things in my life started to get me down. Prior to that I was a very happy child, full of confidence and ambition...in fact I had planned out my whole life - of course at that time I hadn't planned for the depression, but then I didn't know what depression was back then!
A combination of things in my life led to me becoming depressed (in the clinical sense) and I saw a documentary advertised on Channel 5 (UK TV channel) probably in March 1997 (just after Channel 5 started) about something called self-harm. I don't know why, I just knew that I absolutely had to watch it (please note, I am not saying that this TV programme made me self-harm through cutting - I truly believe that if I hadn't ended up self-harming I would have ended up using another harmful way to cope with my emotional distress - perhaps drugs).

I had this self-harm idea in the back of my mind from then onwards. But I didn't act upon it, not until May, just before my 16th birthday, when I made a small cut on my arm with a craft knife. I can see the scar now as I write this, it's only 1cm in length, but it's a scar nonetheless. For some reason (although I am talking about it now), I don't count that first incident. I see the 20th June 1997 as the date I first self-harmed.

20th June 1997 was the date of my last GCSE exam (exams taken at the age of 16 in the UK) - a nice straightforward sociology exam (I went on to do it at degree level, so I enjoy sociology). I got home and took off my (hideous!) pink and white checked blouse and grey skirt for the last time, and was just so sad. I'm not sure why - maybe because it was the end of an era, something about the end of childhood. I sat and cried for ages on my own, in my bedroom. That night I went to my friend's 16th birthday party at his house. At the party it seemed that everyone was in couples, all over each other. I felt so alone, even though I wasn't. By this stage of my life I already drunk quite a lot, and that evening I had 10 cans of lager. My mum picked me up and took me home. I was drunk, very drunk in fact although still coherent. But I remember it so vividly - maybe because I've gone over and over it in my head so many times since then. I took the craft knife to my arm and made cuts on my forearm, horizontal cuts - it's difficult to say how many, but from looking at my arm now I would say 9 cuts. At the time I had no idea that 12 years later I would be able to see each individual line on my arm.

The next morning I felt terrible, not because of the hangover (which never really came). I felt terrible about what I had done. I felt so guilty. I thought I was going mad. I went to the shops, bought some cigarettes (this was the day I started smoking on a daily basis), and went to the local park and chain smoked on the swings. That evening I told my best friend what I'd done. She was shocked when she saw the state of my left arm. I can't remember much of what else was said.

It seems that I've forgotten a lot about this time in my life. A lot of the time I was drunk, so that explains some things. It's the way I managed to hide my arm that really astounds me. In general I am such an open person, I never lie (except it seems about alcohol and self-injury), and I hate hiding things. Following that initial conversation with my best friend we didn't really talk about it - to be honest my friends had no idea what to do.

I do remember a holiday to the USA (Florida) in August 1997. Of course at that time my arm was still awful. Friendship bracelets, a big clumpy watch, and long sleeves whenever possible did help. But I was constantly trying to hide my arm. I only sat on the left hand side in the back on the car, and I constantly covered my arm with my right hand. When my parents did ask I claimed that I'd been drunk and fell on a fence a couple of weeks before. They seemed to buy the excuse, surprising when you consider that my dad's a GP (doctor). But it seems that people see what they want to see, and they don't see things which will upset them.

My self-harm episodes occurred sporadically, often after drinking, but sometimes when sober (which was what concerned me most). Sometimes I knew I wanted to self-injure so deliberately got drunk first. I generally wore long sleeves during the day.....at night and away from parents and teachers I was less bothered. My weekend job was in a shop and the uniform had long sleeves. On one occasion I had them rolled up as I was cleaning the shelves. My friend and colleague at the time asked me why I cut myself that way (horizontally) - I should be cutting vertically if I wanted to kill myself. Of course my intention was never to kill myself, and I think my response to him was "Do you think I'd use a f***ing pair of scissors if I was going to kill myself?" Looking back knowing what I know now about harm minimisation, it can actually cause far more damage cutting across rather than the length of the arm as cuts can sever major structures and cause more permanent damage.

There were times I thought I was suicidal, but in retrospect having actually had suicidal moments since then, I now think that I probably wasn't. I was just very depressed and wanted to not live anymore.

To give my life story would make this review far too long, and a lot of it can be found in my depression review which can be found on dooyoo and Ciao. For me personally, depression, alcohol abuse, and self-injury have always been intrinsically linked. They are a part of me, and my life.

My parents were told by the school about my self-harm at the same time they found out more about my drinking problem, and that I smoked - this was in March 1999 when I was 17. After a nightmarish day I was taken to the doctor who prescribed anti-depressants, checked my liver function (it was fine), and suggested I see a psychiatrist. I finally plucked up the courage to see the psychiatrist in August 1999 after things had got a million times worse, and my friends had given me an ultimatum - saying get help, or we won't let you come to the pub with us anymore, plus I had also disgraced myself and my parents at a family party. I felt so guilty for what I was doing to myself and to those around me, but felt I couldn't stop.
The psychiatrist said to me...."So Mary, I hear you've been scratching yourself?" He spoke in the most patronising way possible. I felt so small and stupid. I wanted to jump up and scream "does this look like a f****** scratch to you?" I now know that it wouldn't have mattered if it was a 'scratch' rather than a cut - it is the emotional distress behind the act which is important. As a result I have not really talked much about my self-harm with professionals, and can be very cagey about it. I'm happy to write things down like this, but actually talking out loud, now that's another thing!
I started University in Hull in September 1999, and immediately my self-injury was worse. I no longer had to hide from anyone (despite my parents knowing I still hid my arm whenever possible). After only 3 weeks at Uni I had taken an overdose - this wasn't serious, but I ended up feeling very embarrassed in casualty nonetheless. This wasn't a suicide attempt by any means, I just didn't know what I was doing really, and I was depressed.
I first met my hubby in January 2000, and while it would be lovely to say that I met him, fell in love, and my life became perfect, this was not the case. In fact things became worse in terms of the drinking, self-harm, and I took an overdose of Prozac in September 2000 - this was really as a form of self-harm, although it is complicated - at the time I couldn't really care less if I was alive or dead. As it happens, it was very lucky hubby got me straight to hospital as I started having seizures, and could potentially have died - this was very scary for hubby especially as I had told him that he wasn't allowed to tell my parents - he didn't, although they since know (as you might guess, I told them when drunk).

Over the years my self-harm progressed to other areas on my body, with my abdomen, left leg, and feet (which can easily be hidden) also suffering. To be honest, I think my scars probably seem worse to me than they do to other people, although it's hard to tell since I haven't really asked anyone, and it is rare that people ask me what happened - apart from children (now that's another story!) I have had some nasty comments from people, someone (a 'friend') once said "Next time you cut yourself, why don't you just slash your neck and die?"

When I did my masters degree which I began in 2002, I decided to write my dissertation about the stigma of self-injury. This was when I first really started to understand the behaviour, and what it means to people. It was extremely difficult at times to read about self-injury and it did upset me. But it did start to bring me so much more understanding about myself, and why I was doing what I was doing. It also increased my desire to spread awareness about self-injury and help to stop people who self-injure feeling so alone.

For many people self-harm occurs very frequently, however for me it has always been sporadic, depending upon what is going on in my life at the time. I don't think I will ever be able to say that I will never self-harm again, although I will always try not to. As a trustee of a self-harm charity, I feel perhaps that if I do self-harm (which I admit is rare) that I am letting people down. But like my depression, I try not to let this bother me too much, as it is just a part of me. In fact I like to say that I'm the happiest depressed person you'll ever meet :o)



---Me now, and my charity work---

A large proportion of my spare time is taken up being a trustee/director for a self-injury charity called Self Injury Support in North Cumbria (registered charity number 1106750) or SIS as we call it. I have been involved with a national charity in the past, but am now involved mainly with local stuff - I really feel that we can and are really making a difference to people who self-harm in the county. The main service which the charity offers is free ongoing (for as long as the person wants it) person-centred therapy for those who self-harm living in areas with CA postcodes. Our website can be found here - www.sis-cumbria.co.uk - you can also download the newsletter which I produce every three months from here if you're interested.

I am involved with delivering training workshops - we did four one-day workshops in March 2009 which was exhausting but very rewarding. Various sorts of people came to learn more about self-harm and my personal experience (scary stuff!) - charity workers, healthcare professionals (including GPs), and those in education. I have found that doing this has really boosted my self-confidence, and I'm looking forward to the 7 sessions we have arranged for the rest of 2009. Just wish I didn't have to fit this all in around a full-time job, but such is life, and I enjoy using my leave doing something so worthwhile!

When I was involved with a national charity I co-wrote a book about self-harm, the LifeSIGNS (Self-Injury Guidance and Network Support) Self-Injury Awareness Booklet. For that I wrote a great deal about self-harm/self-injury, and I have written a lot of publications for SIS, including a workbook for people who self-harm. The general information which follows has been published or used elsewhere (if it sounds familiar), but I can assure you that it is written by me!



---What is Self-Injury/Self-Harm?---

Self-Harm is any deliberate harm which an individual inflicts on his or her own body without suicidal intent, but with the aim to reduce emotional distress or tension.

Self-Harm - can be quite a wide term, including alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders and risk-taking behaviour such as reckless driving or unsafe sex.

Self-Injury - often refers to the more directly harmful acts such as deliberately self-cutting or burning. However, the boundaries are very blurred and there is not a clear distinction between self-injury and self-harm.

Self-Mutilation - Most people who self-harm don't like this term, as it can be quite offensive. Generally these days self-mutilation is a term only used to describe very extreme cases of self-harm (usually in cases of psychosis), or by those who don't realise that it causes offence.



---Types of Self-Injury---

People harm themselves in many different ways, but some of the most common are as follows:
* Cutting, or scratching
* Burning
* Interfering with existing injuries
* Banging and bruising limbs
* Overdosing (OD) on medication (without suicidal intent)
* Ingesting chemical substances
* Deliberate bone-breaking/spraining
* Pulling out hair (known as trichotillomania)

People injure themselves in different places on their bodies, but arms and legs seem to be the most common, possibly because they are easily accessible, but also because they can be hidden.

It is vital to remember that it is the reason behind the act rather than the act itself which makes it self-harm (why someone has hurt themselves).



---Why do people self-harm?---

People self-harm to deal with their emotional distress. There are various ways in which people cope when they are in distress, and self-harm is one type of coping mechanism (we ALL have coping mechanisms of some sort). Specific reasons behind an individual's self-harm are so varied it would be impossible to list them all.

However some of the most common reasons people give are:
* Bullying
* Pressure at work/school
* Abuse - Physical, Emotional and Sexual
* Being made to feel invalidated or worthless by others
* Relationship problems
* Financial worries
* A combination of smaller things, which build up into something big.

Some of the feelings behind self-harm:
* Anxiety, tension or panic
* Anger
* Sadness/depression
* Shame/Guilt
* Frustration
* Low self-worth /self-esteem
* Wanting to self-punish

Many people who self-harm do have mental health issues (but not everyone):
* Depression
* Anxiety
* Personality Disorder
* Eating Disorder
* Drug/Alcohol
* Other (Bipolar, PTSD, DID, Schizophrenia etc)


There are many reasons why people specifically choose self-injury over other coping mechanisms:
* Some people find it easier to deal with physical pain than emotional pain because it makes the feelings more real and they can actually see a reason behind their pain (they have an injury, so that is why they feel hurt).
* For some people (particularly those who don't get much support from others) self-harming can be an opportunity for them to take care of themselves by dressing wounds.
* Self-harm can become something that people start to use when dealing with day-to-day stresses, and for some people can become a type of addiction and something which they use frequently. It's important to note that self-harm, while it provides temporary relief, doesn't deal with the underlying issues affecting that person. In the long term it can also make a person feel much worse as they have to deal with issues such as living with scars.

Remember that everyone's experience of self-harm is different!


---Self-harm and physical damage---

Some people hurt themselves in a way which doesn't cause much physical damage or need medical attention, for instance by scratching themselves. On the other hand some people cut themselves and need stitches, or cause themselves permanent physical damage. All overdose incidents (as a form of self-harm) and ingesting of chemical substances are potentially fatal even though this isn't the intent.

While self-harm varies in physical severity, the physical injury does not usually relate to the amount of emotional distress behind it: For instance just because someone cuts themselves and needs stitches does not necessarily mean that they are in more distress than someone who scratches themselves.


---Who Self-Injures?---

Self-injury is an increasingly recognised phenomenon and despite many studies suggesting that the incidence of self-injury is increasing (although it could just be that we are more aware of it), there remains a significant lack of understanding and the media often misrepresents it. Experiences of self-injury are diverse, and this should be emphasised.

The media has given the impression that self-harm is an issue which primarily affects teenaged girls. Of course there are many teenaged girls who do self-harm. However, self-harm can and does affect people of all sorts of different people.

Self-harm affects:
* All ages - although some studies suggest that self-harming usually starts around the age of 12/13, some start as young as 3 and some not until their 50s/60s. A recent study by Outside the Box (published 2008) investigated the feelings and experiences of over 25s who self-harm in Scotland.
* Males and females - statistics indicate that females self-harm more than males - however, it might be that men use methods which are easier to pass off as accidents.
* All religions, ethnicities and races
* All social classes
* All sexualities - some studies have indicated that self-harm is more common in certain groups such as gay and bisexual people, perhaps because difficulties in coming to terms with sexuality can cause a great deal of emotional distress.

The focus on teenaged girls who self-harm can mean that it's even harder for other people to get the help which they need as they might not feel that they will be taken seriously.



---Suicide---

Unfortunately self-harm and suicide tend to get lumped together and this gives the wrong impression about what self-harm is. It is true that people who self-harm are more likely to end their lives, but this is due to emotional distress. It is emotional distress which leads to self-harm and it is emotional distress that leads to suicide. It is not self-harm that directly leads to suicide. In fact as self-harm is a coping mechanism, it can act as a survival technique.

While people who self-harm might be suicidal at times (like anyone in severe emotional distress might be), it certainly cannot be said that people who self-harm are suicidal. There is an issue with overdoses and other severe injuries that they might be mistaken for suicidal behaviour.


---Information for people who self-injure---

Telling people about your self-injury is a big decision, and can be scary. However, it can lead to feelings of relief and develop into help and support. Sometimes, just having the option of being able to talk to someone can reduce feelings of needing to self-injure. Be prepared for any reaction - they may feel a mix of anger, guilt, hurt, shame, confusion, and misunderstanding. Make it clear how hard it is for you, and that you are telling them because you love and trust them. Give them some information about self-injury so they can learn more.

The good news is that there is help available for people who self-injure. It is a big step talking to your GP about things and you have to feel ready to. They might refer you for counselling, or offer you medication to help you deal with your feelings. There are other places to get help such as counselling services in your place of employment or education, and various charities.

There are lots of self-help techniques which might help you, both in the short term and the long term. More information which might help you can be found here - www.scar-tissue.net , www.harmless.org.uk or www.sis-cumbria.co.uk



---Information for family/friends---

When you first find out that a loved one self-harms you may well feel overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Perhaps you are shocked that your loved one resorts to self-harming, perhaps you are confused as to what it all means? You may experience guilt and anger, frustration and sadness. Depending on how you discovered your loved one relies on self-harm as a coping mechanism, you may have little time to adapt to the news.

It can be best to ignore the method of self-harm, and focus on the emotional experience that your loved one is going through. Self-harm is a word which covers a lot of behaviours, all of which share one key element - they are done with the conscious intention of harming oneself. Self-harm is nearly always a sign of emotional pain, and must never be written off as attention-seeking. However, while self-harm must be taken seriously, it is not usually a sign of suicidal behaviour and is normally used as a way to cope.

It is important to look after your own emotional well being if you are supporting someone who self-injures. You might get support by talking to a close friend, calling a helpline, or seeing your doctor. If you do not have support yourself, your own anxieties may spill over onto the person who needs your help, possibly making the situation worse.

Although this is possibly the most difficult thing to do, the most important thing is: - DON'T PANIC!

Due the frustration of supporting someone who self-harms, it can be tempting to issue a demand or ultimatum, saying that they must stop hurting themselves immediately. Such ultimatums can only serve to drive your loved one further away from you, as you demonstrate that you don't understand, and that you're not listening. A person who self-injures may well feel isolated and alone and ultimatums only increase the feelings of isolation.

At times, even professional caregivers such as counsellors will insist that a person agrees to a 'No-Harm Contract'. This is usually counter-productive. As self-harm is a coping mechanism it is not reasonable to take it away before providing a suitable replacement coping mechanism.


Here is some general advice on how to react to self-injury:
* Learn more about self-harm, why people do it, and how to help by reading this and other information
* Don't take the self-harm personally. It is not aimed at you, and it is not being done to hurt you.
* For some people self-harm does not last for long, but for others it can be a long-term problem. Be prepared for relapses, and don't convey disappointment if someone can't give it up immediately.
* Self-harm is normally a secretive behaviour. Asking someone to show you their injuries, or checking up on them against their will takes away their sense of control, and can be embarrassing.
* Offer support. Be there for them if they want to talk (about anything), but don't put pressure on them. Offer to go with them to see their doctor, but respect their privacy if they do not want you there (whatever their age), or if they do not want to seek help yet
* Let them know that you will be there for them no matter what they do, and whilst you must not condone their self-injury, they need to know that it does not make them a bad person.
* Try not to become over protective. Actions such as removing sharp objects will normally make matters worse. Telling a person to stop self-harming or giving ultimatums is unreasonable, as it is not that easy.
* It is ok to be angry or sad, but try not to let your friend or family member see that you are angry as this could increase feelings of guilt.
* Don't criticise the person or make them feel that their feelings and behaviour are not valid. It might be worthwhile seeking counselling yourself to deal with your feelings.

Self-harm is not the only way for people to deal with emotional distress. Try to encourage (but not push) your friend or family member to seek alternative and more constructive coping mechanisms. But remember that people cannot just stop!


---Other Information---

As already mentioned, further information about self-harm can be found at www.scar-tissue.net , www.harmless.org.uk and www.sis-cumbria.co.uk

There are various message boards on the Internet for people who self-injure, and for people who come into contact with people who self-injure. While some are not very well moderated, a safe place which I can personally recommend is at www.scar-tissue.net

If you've got this far, thank you so much for reading (have to say though I could write 10 times as much!). I am passionate in raising awareness about self-harm. All I want is to be able to use my negative experiences in a positive way, and to let people kinow that there is hope.

Please forward this review to ANYONE who might be interested. If you have any questions, please PM me, or you can find me around and about on the Internet.

Copyright - Mary Hillery 2009

Summary: Self-harm and me...