What a release! (My Experience of Self Injury)

Member Name: geordieger

Product:	My Experience of Self Injury
Date:	13/07/01 (202 review reads)
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I started self harming about three years ago. My past has been littered with sexual and emotional abuse. For years I pushed my feelings about these issues deep inside, and thought that I was doing great.

On the outside I come across as the clown, the joker, the comedian of the group, but inside I am holding a lot of very negative and very scary feelings.

The day that I first cut myself I stood with a razor blade, and just hacked into my arm. The instant relief was amazing. It was if the blood flowing from the wound was taking the pain away, and then the guilt set in. What had I done? Was I cracking up? What would my partner say?

I had cut the top of my arm, and so I thought quickly, and when my partner asked later on, I lied, and said that I had caught myself on my harness when I had parachuting, the day before.

My partner accepted that, as I was always bumping and scraping myself when I skydived.

I sat for 24 hours considering what I had done, and the original feelings of self doubt and grief reappeared, and so I did it again.

And again, and again.

Finally last year I came to a point where I slashed my wrists in an attempt to kill myself to get away from the pain and guilt and grief that I was experiencing from the past.

I went to the local casualty unit, as I slashed the vein in my arm, and at the time the nurses thought I had damaged the tendons leading into my hand. I was becoming a regular at the casualty unit at that point, to the stage where the receptionist knew my name before I booked in, and would ask "You here again? What have you slashed this time?"

It finally struck me in last year that I was gaining nothing from self mutilation, I was ending up feeling worse, mentally, and my arm was a mess of scars.

I decided, with the help of my CPN(community psyciatric nurse), that the self harm had to stop.

I went until March without cutting, and was e

cstatic. Then one day I did it again, at the time I felt as if I needed it, like I was missing it, and that it would help me. I found out immediately after it happened that it solved nothing.

I then went until May without cutting again. The grief and pain had welled up, and I cut without thinking about it.

On the morning of September 11th 2001 I cut again and took a major overdose of my medication and ended up in hospital. At the time I had been recently attacked in a pub prior to a football match and was on day release from hospital. I just felt a black cloud over my life, and at the time did not know if I was going to get the use of my arm that was injured in the attack back again.

A month later I was admitted into the local psychiatric unit again, as I had begun to hear voices talking to me. In the hospital I did well for many months, getting treatment on the injured arm from the attack and also psychiatric help. I did not self harm for three months and thought I was getting away from the urge.

In February though I managed to get hold of a razor blade and lacerated my forearm down to the bone and required 15 stitches in my arm.

I managed to keep my self harming under control until the October time when my Gran died, and I cut again. This time was different though, and I felt revoltion rather than a release. I knew that I was coming out of my self-harming behaviour and that it gave me nothing but pain. I have since found that I do not need to self harm, I can let myself cry, I can get angry with myself and those feelings that I was scared of don't hurt as much as I thought they would.

I realise that self harm is not the answer, and have promised myself that I won't do it again. I really believe that this time I mean it. I have worked hard to get to a point in my life where I can deal with stresses.

For people who haven't read any of my reviews, I am now a single dad. Me an
d Mrs Geordieger split up in May 2002, as she did not feel that married life and kids was really her thing and so I have my two daughters living with me. When I got sole custody of the girls I think that this made me realise that I am responsible for what they experience, and although they never directly witnessed my self-harm I knew that my behaviour was going to influence them. Really it was like a huge wake up call. They have changed me as a person for the better and I now put them first constantly.

My arm, like I said, is a mess of scars, both from the self harm and the attack, and to all but my closest friends and family the truth is hidden. I have told the rest of the world that I fell through a glass door. I have recently cut above where a T-shirt sleeve would come down to, and so don't have to explain these recent wounds to anyone.

The lying is not worth it. I can honestly say that I wish I'd never started doing it now. I have to take one day at a time when it comes to my self harm and can never say never, but as days turn to weeks, to months, then I feel that I have conquered it.

*The facts about self abuse.*

Self abuse describes anything from cutting to pulling hair out.

Self abuse is not a failed suicide attempt. Many self-abusers are not suicidal at the time that they hurt themselves.

Self abuse is not a way of getting attention. It is for many abusers a way of dealing with the pain in their lives. Many self abusers will not go to a hospital to get treatment, prefering to tend to their wounds themselves, and many keep their abusing secret.

Self abuse is not a sign that a person is "mad" or has psychiatric problems. The abuse is a way of dealing with emotions and pain.

Self abusers are not a danger to others. They direct their hurt and anger towards themselves, rarely injuring others.

If you self harm, or you know someone who does, please seek so
me support. There are many ways to do this, some of which are:

Your family/friends (they may be shocked at first but they are your primary source of support and love in the majority of cases).

Your own GP (you would be surprised how supportive they can be)

The samaritans. (look in your local phone book for details).

The Bristol Crisis service for Women (a one for the ladies here): contactable 9pm to 12.30am Friday and Saturday nights on 0117 925 1119.

And there are various online pages that offer support and understanding.

If you are a self harmer, remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are coping in your own way. Good luck to you all, and my heart is with you.

Dan

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