Underneath It All (My Experience of Self Injury)

Member Name: candymarie

Product:	My Experience of Self Injury
Date:	23/09/02 (60 review reads)
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I've always known this category was here. I've always considered writing in it, but I haven't until now.

If you saw me, you probably wouldn't think I would self-harm. Even though I'm quite quiet, I don't really show if I'm upset. No one really notices 14 year olds anyway. I have times when I get down, as everyone does. I need something to forget my problems, so I cut myself.

Here's a bit of information about self harm, incase you don't know anything about it:

People of all ages and of both sexes can self harm. There are many ways why people self harm. These can be:

~Bullying
~A death
~Family changes
~Abuse
~Sexual abuse

There are also many ways in which people can self harm. These can be:

~Cutting themselves
~Burning themselves
~Scratching themselves
~Punching walls
~Pulling their hair

When you hurt yourself, your body releases feel-good hormones, called Endorphins. These make you feel better, but only for a little while, and that's why self harming is so addictive. You crave to get the feeling you get when you harm yourself, so you keep harming yourself.

~My Experience of Self Harm~

I started cutting myself last year when I was going through a really shit part of my life. My parents were splitting up and I was kind of stuck in the middle, because my Mum and brother hated my Dad and my Dad hated my Mum and brother.

I would sit there in my room, listening to the crashes of stuff being thrown across the room, my Dad shouting threats and my Mum crying out in pain. I'd be there sitting in my room, crying, not knowing what to do. Then one day, I started scratching myself with my nails when it was happening. It made me feel better. It made me feel that I was experiencing some of the pain my Mum was feeling.

This went on for a while. By now, my nails wern't enough to scratch mys


elf with. I used anything I could find. Scissors, knives, razor blades....
I got really quiet, I hardly spoke to anyone. I'd just get home from school one day, then not go downstairs again until I had to go to school again the next morning.

One day in May last year, I got home from school to find my Dad and brother having an argument. I just left them to it and went upstairs, but then I heard my Dad telling him to get out of the house and not come back. I got scared because I love my brother and I didn't know what was happening to him. So I got a razor blade out of my draw and started cutting myself. It gave me pleasure to see it slicing through my skin and blood beginning to pour out.

My Mum came home and he wouldn't let her in either. By this time, he had smashed up my brothers room. My Mum was scared of what he was doing to me, though I was doing to myself. She called the Police, and we left. That was the last time I ever saw my Dad. He hugged me goodbye and told me it wasn't his fault. He was crying.

When I got out of there and I was alone, I started bashing my head against a brick wall. It bled but I didn't care. It made me feel better. It was like I was getting away from everything around me.

After that, I stopped cutting myself as I had no reason to. I no longer had a Dad, but that was better because there was less arguments. I just had myself as company, my Mum worked all the time and my brother was usually out with his mates.

But then this boy who I had been out with decided to start spreading rumours about me around school, to get revenge on me because I dumped him. He was a couple of years older than me but I'm not going to tell you what he did. Let's just say he was a complete idiot. By lunchtime the next school day, I was so pissed off because I had all these people coming up to me asking me what I'd done with him, and telling me all the
se ru
mours
they'd heard about us, that I went in to the toilets, got some scissors out of my pencil case, and cut up both of my arms. The blood went through my shirt, but I just wore my jumper over the top so no one noticed. When I got home, I poured nail varnish remover over my cuts.

Since then, I've not been able to stop myself from cutting. I don't do it everyday, I don't do it every week, just when I feel I need to get away form everything. I can't stop myself from doing it. I've come to depend on the feeling I get when I cut myself.

Not many people know what I do, only a few of my close friends, but none of my family. My friends started to notice the scars on my arms when I did PE at school, so I do it on my legs or stomach so no one else finds out.

People who self harm are not trying to kill themselves. By self harming, they are escaping form their emotional problems.

I wouldn't advise anyone to start cutting themselves, in the long run it doesn't solve your problems. If you do cut yourself, you've just got to remember you aren't alone and there is people you can talk to.

If you want more information, you can look on:

www.selfharmalliance.org

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