Understanding not attention (My Experience of Self Injury)

Member Name: donnaford

Product:	My Experience of Self Injury
Date:	04/10/02 (271 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Less painful than the mental anguish

Disadvantages: Scars, Pain, People don't understand

Warning: this opinion contains sensitive material and may trigger those who self-harm.

This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever written. I thought I was overcoming my self-harm but I'm not sure it is possible to.

Years of comments fuelled my self-harm. Not good enough, not slim enough, not pretty enough, not nice enough, not clever enough, not good at anything at all. Various people have told me all of those things. My dad said I was fat, stupid, couldn't do anything so it was a small victory to get my degree in his absence. My mum only called me plain but we all know she meant ugly. The only person who has ever loved me unconditionally is my grandmother, or "Nanna" as I call her.

Age 14 I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle - my mum's younger sister. Not being parents themselves they lived quite a carefree lifestyle, going out the pub, getting stoned etc. I was quite an inconvenience to this lifestyle - they would have to go shopping (although they didn't always), they would have to refrain from smoking pot in their livingroom so I didn't see and many more things. I'm sure if my mum had thought more carefully about it she would see that it was a very stupid idea to send me there. I felt abandoned, lonely, unloved, cast aside. Where I wanted to be didn't matter. I held all those feelings inside only to feel them all so painfully 10 years later. I got by though. I coped. Whenever things felt too bad I'd simply take a knife out of the drawer and cut my left arm. Never too much at first. The first time I did it my first serious relationship was ending. I couldn't cope with losing another person who claimed to love me. I was out of control so I sought to control the one thing I could - my body.

Soon after I was sent to live with my grandparents. I was quite simply in the way at my aunt's house. Rejected once more. I would cut my arm and blame it on my boyfriend's cat if m
y sister saw. No one questioned it. Soon after my second relationship ended. This time it was food. I couldn't eat. If it weren't for my Nanna I wouldn't have eaten anything at all.

Just as I started to know some kind of stability I had to move again, to live with my mum and new step dad. My step dad and me have never got along. He truly has no recollection of what it is like to be a teenager. Silly things like wanting to spend time with friends instead of visiting my step dad's parents seemed like the most selfish thing on earth. He said horrible things to my mum. Poisoning her mind against me even more. She once told me she didn't love me. I would go a few months without cutting only to cut with a vengeance. One time I was staying at a friend's house and the feeling of being so fat, ugly and worthless became too much. I took out a razor and cut my wrist in her downstairs toilet. She found me and bandaged my arm. Funnily enough it wasn't long after that she decided she didn't really want to be my friend any more and we grew apart.

One year after moving into my mum's house I had to move once more. This time I had committed the sin of not changing my half sister's nappy whilst my mum & step dad were out at a shop. It didn't matter that my step dad never changed her nappy. I was clearly an evil person for not noticing. I spent my 17th birthday locked in my bedroom, not allowed to go down even to eat. Within weeks I was living with my dad.

Living with my dad wasn't exactly cosy. We had never got along, even when I was a very small child. He taunted me, offering me a sweet or crisp and then eating it himself. Calling me fat, ugly, hairy (?), stupid or just plain ignoring me for years. My dad wasn't home much apart from a weekly visit to take me food shopping. I was very lonely and I started to become housebound. My relationship with another boyfriend, who cheated on me whilst he was in Spain,
broke down and of course I was very upset. My dad wasn't there for me but I coped my crying on my friend's shoulder and cutting myself.

I went to university in 1996 and I felt like it was going to be the new start I needed. Little did I know that I would be bullied and rejected more than ever? I lost weight when I started university - I looked and felt ok for a change. I started to regain some confidence and it showed. I had a large group of friends until I got an ingrown toenail and couldn't go out. I was in too much pain to stand let alone dance. Not going out for months, it felt strange once I could go out again. Around this time I was bullied by a large group of about 10 lads from my university who called me ugly and fat. I was 8 stone and a size 10. This was too much for me to take. I ran back to my room (I couldn't go to my fiancé because we had just had an argument) and cut my arm. No one stood up for me against those lads. I had to spend the next 3 years avoiding them because the sight of one of them was enough to make me anxious and thus my agoraphobia began. I cut regularly from 1997 to 2001.

In 2001 I met Mike, a man I love very much. We've had some difficult times but I made a conscious effort not to cut because it upsets him. I haven't cut for months but that doesn't mean I am cured. Instead of cutting I dig my nails into my arm, bang my head on the wall, put my fingers down my throat to make myself sick and bruise my own ribs. I feel worthless, fat and ugly because people have told me all my life that I am. I just wait for Mike to realise that I'm all of those things, because everyone else did and they left me because I wasn't good enough.

Advice for people who self-harm? Not sure I can offer any since I can't overcome my own. Advice to relatives and friends. Yes, I'm sure I can offer some advice since I know how I'd like people to treat me regarding my self-harm.

WHAT
IS SELF-HARM?
It really does vary from cutting to burning. I had a friend who cut herself with broken glass (it hurts more than a razor in my opinion!). My younger sister cuts her hands, usually with scissors. Some people who self-harm head butt walls. Basically it is any form of harm.

WHY DO PEOPLE SELF-HARM?
The physical pain distracts from the mental pain the person is feelings. Feelings of a lack of worth, a need to punish oneself for not being good enough, just wanting to be in control of something. Not all people who self-harm have had bad experiences earlier in life. Some have had a fairly happy childhood.

HOW CAN YOU STOP SELF-HARM?
Oh in theory it is easy. Learn to like or love yourself. I am trying to do this but it is very hard when you've been told by those who should love you (parents) that you are worthless, stupid, ugly and unloved. Try to remember that if people have treated you this way it is their problem.

Distractions are the best way to prevent yourself from harming. Try to get involved in something you enjoy and spend time with people who do care about you. Listen to some music that is uplifting and comforting to you. Some people like to get in bed and wrap themselves up in a duvet for comfort. Remember that you deserve tender loving care rather than the cruel comments/judgement you have been subjected to in the past.

WHAT IF SOMEONE YOU LOVE SELF-HARMS?
Please don't reject or judge them on their self-harming. It is not something they can help. Try to offer them support, even if you are upset by their behaviour. Ultimatums will only make them feel guiltier and more likely to self-harm. If they feel like they can open up to you, they might talk to you instead of self-harming.

If they confide in you, do try to help them. Try to find ways to distract and cheer them up. Take them out for a drive or a walk. Offer them your friendship/love and small gifts to cheer them up. Reassure
them that you won't hate them for self-harming but that you'd rather they didn't harm themselves.

People are prone to self-harming when they are left alone. If you think they sound a little depressed and you don't live with them then invite them over to stay. Some company may help to make them feel better.

Counselling and medication is available for people who self-harm. Do try to talk to your doctor about it. Mine was lovely and very understanding. Self-harm is NOT suicidal behaviour so you cannot be sectioned for self-harming.

Hope this helps someone. You are not alone. Lots of people self-harm, including famous people like Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. Some sites that have helped me are:

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

http://www.selfinjury.freeserve.co.uk/

http://www.mirror-mirror.org/selfinj.htm

http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/6446/index .html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/mental/selfharm.sh tml

http://www.befrienders.org/directory/selfharm/ index.htm

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