Time to think - Updated (People's Attitude Towards Cancer Patients)

Member Name: pjs21

Product:	People's Attitude Towards Cancer Patients
Date:	05/06/01 (112 review reads)
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A little while ago, as I mentioned in another review on this subject, my mother was whisked into hospital where she under went an emergency operation. Within 7 hours of seeing her doctor on the Saturday morning, my mother was given a full hysterectomy, and a cyst the size of a watermelon was removed.

You can probably imagine what was going through the family's minds?

One week later, the test results came back. There was a seven-inch cancerous tumour attached to the cyst that they had removed, but it looked good. They were 99.9% certain that they had removed all of the cancer, but they had taken samples of some other organs whilst they were "in there" to make sure.

As a precaution, chemotherapy would start in five weeks, a couple of sessions to ensure that she was clear.

Last Thursday, my mother went to see the specialist, to talk about the pending treatment and the possible side effects. This was a meeting for her to clear her mind of the worries and find out what she could expect to happen.

My parent's went together, my dad, who hopeless when it comes to talking about his worries, wanted to be there to find out more too.

Before they even got started on the treatment, the doctor told them that the second set of results had come through.

The cancer had not been caught quickly enough and had in fact spread to her liver. The liver can be operated on, as it grows back, something I never knew. But the cancer has massed around it and so it cannot be removed altogether. They would now need to run a course of chemotherapy for the next 24 weeks. Her chance of survival was now 70%. Still a good percentage in the circumstances, ten years ago the chances of survival with this type of cancer was as low as 15%, which shows how far medical research has come.

Okay, so it doesn't sound too bad, all things considered, but the possibility of the cancer having gone to other places i
s apparently quite high, and if this is the case, the 70% will reduce.

The reason I'm telling you about the above is because I wanted to give you some background on the situation before I tell you how I've now noticed people behaving and their attitudes towards to cancer.

My mother, at the beginning, couldn?t even bring herself to use the word. It was know as "C" for awhile. I can understand that. She had gone to the doctors with bad stomach pains, and within the day had had a major operation and the possibility of a terminal illness. I think I might call it "C" while I adjust to what's going on. Her attitude towards it is so amazing. I was amazed anyway. She is tearful, confused and scared, but is able to sit and talk about it and explain what's going to happen.

My dad, can't bring himself to talk about it unless it's to give a fact he heard from the doctor. I?m not having a go at him, if the person I loved the most in the world was given this news, I think I'd be the same. He is still in shock. Now, when he looks at my mum, it is with a deep love that I have not seen before, but there is also fear and a great deal of sadness. He won't feel sorry for himself, he won't feel pity towards my mum, he'll just be there and see her through anything that is to come.

My sister is a completely different kettle of fish. Since my Gran died, ten years ago of breast cancer, my sister has pretty much lived in fear of the same happening to her. This recent news has come as a huge blow to her. No matter what information my mum, or myself have tried to give her, it's not accepted. She has told me that doesn't know what to do, or say, or even how to look at my mum in the future. What can you say to that? I have advised her to go to one of our local clinics who deal with family members in these situations, to talk to someone who can explain fully what it is mum?s
going through, and what we can expect to happen from the treatment. My sister took one look at the list of side effects from the drugs and became hysterical. It's very hard to explain that these are extremes, and not everyone will suffer with them, and I doubt that anyone suffers with all of them. She will be okay, but she does need to talk to someone in the medical profession who can explain fully.

My parent's families have been great so far. All have taken it quite badly, but are being incredibly supportive. I guess that age and experience helps you deal with these things slightly easier, when you are able to put it all into perspective.

Me, well, when my mum told me last Sunday, I spent about two hours chatting with her about it, talking about the drugs and making sure that she was happy with the kind of treatment she had chosen to take. As it turned out, she wasn't and had felt slightly forced by the hospital to experiment some new drugs. So we talked about her concerns and worries. We talked about her attitude towards what was happening. Where she could go to get a wig styled for her if she loses her hair. She said that she was surprised how calmly I was taking this. The truth is, inside I was in shock and I was shaking like a leaf, fighting back tears with every word I spoke.

Every bad possibility ran through my head as I sat and looked at my mum and talked about how she was going to get through this.

We hugged, I left, I got to my girlfriends and I collapsed. It's been a long, long time since I've sobbed like I did this weekend.

The main problem to me would seem to be ignorance about the disease and it's cures. I was amazed when my sister told me that she knew nothing about cancer or chemotherapy, or radiotherapy. She has spent ten years worrying and never read up on it. Again, I'm not criticising her, it's not something we like to think about. But, considering how
big this disease is, and how many people it hits, why is not talked about? Why are we so afraid to learn about cancer and the treatments?

My mum sat in that chair opposite me on Sunday. I was the eighth person she had seen that day to tell. She said she wanted to speak to me as she new that I would be able to answer her questions in some areas. I am not an expert on cancer, in fact I know very little really. But I am good with positive attitudes, I am good at looking at all possibilities and laying them on the table for people to look at choose, and what I know about the illness comes from TV, Radio, Articles and websites.

It strikes me that the way people have reacted to this news, and the way people look at the situation differs so widely from one extreme to the other. While there is so much pain and hurt, and lots of "why her?" being asked, there is enough understanding and love to help and support each other through this time.

The word Cancer scares us all. It is something that we all fear deep down. And that fear, mixed with ignorance, causes people to seem insensitive or uncaring towards people with cancer. There is a simple answer and cure to this, and it is our responsibility as an individual to teach ourselves. The next time you're in a library (if people even still use them!), or the next time you're on the internet, or in a doctors surgery, or a hospital. Pick up a book, look up Cancer, take a leaflet, and read up on it. You will be amazed what you'll learn. It then won't seem quite as scary and horrific. As I said earlier, medical science has come on so much now and with early detection the chances of successful treatment is much higher than you think. Cancer doesn't have to be a killer, Cancer can be cured, or controlled.

So, the big question. What's the best way to be with someone who has cancer?

Be yourself. Be honest. Be open. Be informed. And if you
9;re not informed, listen to what they say before you jump to any conclusions of your own. You may learn something. Don't be embarrassed, and don't pity them. If they're anything like my mum what they need the most is someone they can sit and chat to, unload some of the crap they're carrying, maybe even cry. Yes, that's right, cry! You may cry. You don't even have to say anything if you don't know what to. It's pretty much how you?d deal with anyone else on a day to day basis who has a problem of some kind and needs some support. Just deal with it the best way you can.

I'm going to finish with the thought I've had for the past couple of days. Cancer can hit anyone and the trigger is different for all. It is not just smokers, or people who live in cities with high pollution. It's not selective, and as amazing as our bodies our, this is one thing that we never seem to get a warning about. The person you snub, or insult, or walk away from because you can't think what to say, well, that could just as easily be you. How would you like to be treated if you were the person sat there? Probably in the same way you've always been.

I may change my mind in time to come about some of my comments, I haven't really had a great deal of time to consider and come to terms with it all yet. But I don't think it'll change much. Even through the shock, confusion and anger, I can see the facts and know roughly what to expect.

Take care.

PJ

***Update***

And so mum's cancer has gone into remission as she starts month 7 of chemotherapy with only another 1.5 months to go.

I went and saw my mum today (25th Oct) having not seen her since the weekend. She had another treatment today so I thought I'd go see how she was doing. I wasn't prepared at all.

On Saturday when I saw her she had a full head of hair, very thick hair. Today
she has a few whisps. The look of shock on my face when I walked through the door must have been obvious. It was all I could do not to cry.

"I wanted you see me like this before you saw me with the wig on" she said.

"What happened." I asked, stupidly.

"It all fell out." She replied with a smile.

It had started falling out at the weekend, but she hadn't said anything to me, and it hadn't been enough to notice. on Monday she told her place of work that she was having her hair cut in the afternoon, which was true.

The following morning she went to work with her wig on. Nobody noticed, though she said she felt uncomfortable.

On the Tuesday she went in to work without her wig. And the same on the Wednesday.

"Why did you do that?" I asked her.

"I want people to know why I'm wearing the wig, I don't wan't to hide anything from the world, I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel more comfortable wearing my wig and having a full head of hair. I shall be wearing it from now on." She told me.

I looked at my mum with complete adoration and a new respect. I doubt I could be that brave. Ever.

To say my mum has chilled out since her illness would be an understatement. All of a sudden she has discovered that there are more important things in life and the rest of the crap doesn't matter.

Why on earth have I added this? Because my mum felt that she couldn't just wear a wig and have people laugh at her for it without knowing the reason. Even through her brave smiling the truth was obvious. She's paranoid about wearing a wig and needs to justify it with people. Isn't that sad? I thought so. I did cry. Her wig is one of the best I've ever seen and if you didn't know my mum you would even know it wasn't her hair on her head.

"I couldn't bare the hu
miliation of my hair falling out at work infront of customers, or for my wig to slip"

Isn't she, and many others out there, having a hard enough time dealing with the realities of their illness that "we" can humiliate them over something like this. I thought maybe, optimistically, that the humilation was in her head and people wouldn't make her feel like she was being laughed at, but I can remove my rose-tinted specs and see the truth.

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