A Favourite Thing: Positive Thought (Positive Thought)

Member Name: thequy

Product:	Positive Thought
Date:	14/07/02 (186 review reads)
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Throughout most of my student life, I was also a part-time barman in a club in the centre of town. One Christmas, when everyone I knew had gone home to their families and the delights of parental cooking, I stayed in Manchester to work. My boss had offered me full-time status and, crucially, pay, over the festive season and I wasn't in a position to decline. Then came news that a living legend from the dance fraternity was doing a six hour set at an all-nighter. I briefly weighed up the ignominy of going clubbing by myself against the chance to see him DJ live, and bought my ticket. As it turned out, I had a storming night which made it all the worse when it came to an end and I and my fellow revellers were ushered by the bouncers out of the building and into the early morning light. Towards the end of the clubbing experience it's definitely preferable to be amongst your mates and as I trudged up the road to find a taxi, the euphoria of the night was fast evaporating as I looked enviously at the groups of people walking off together in search of their own transport home. I thought of the prospect of coming down by myself, of the fortnight ahead returning from late shifts to an empty house. Of the fact that I had to work over Christmas in the first place. And I was mighty peeved.


Halfway up the street from the club, I passed a doorway where a body lay prone in the corner. There was a pervading stench of alcohol and empty beer cans were strewn about the figure's head. A dirty blanket that I wouldn't have used to dry the floor was their ultimate protection against the winter temperature. Manchester city centre has always had its beggars - less so in recent years now that I think about it - and every so often I'd give them something small, but never much thought. Outside the club where I worked, there was often a young lad, or at least until the doormen arrived for the evening shift and moved him on. I got talking to him
once and he was surprisingly well spoken. He was an ex grammar school boy until various things went wrong and he ended up on the streets. Every morning when I got off the bus on Oxford Road, there was an old man sat opposite the Palace Theatre with a dog on his lap. He never said a word other than a mumbled thanks if you dropped some change in his cup. Seeing that brown heap in the doorway made me wonder what those two had in store for them over the festive season.

Even before heading out that night, I knew the overall cost of activities would have covered a fortnight's groceries. Two weeks of food versus one night of indulgence. Hmm, tough. But what would young lad/old man/dirty blanket have given to be in a position to make such a choice? How much would they have welcomed the option of catching the train home if they just couldn't be bothered with it all? I put myself in their place and imagined facing the onslaught of winter without a roof over my head. I thought about how it would be to yearn for a job, even if it meant serving other people having a good time. I visualised needing alcohol, and more, to see the day through. Worse still, being aware of that dependence yet remaining powerless to fight it. When I snapped back to the here and now, the feeling of relief was immense. I wasn't any of those things - I was me and all of a sudden, it felt extremely good to be me.

These days, whenever I find myself wishing things were different i.e. better, I remind myself that they could also be much, much worse. You only have to put the news on to see how some people live in other parts of the world - or even the country - and it immediately puts your own woes into perspective. I'd call this the principle of relativity but then Einstein's lawyers would shortly be making my acquaintance, so perhaps I won't after all.

'Positive thought' actually has theological connotations, particularly with fait
h healing and white/black magic. That's never interested me though and this opinion is about the layman's concept of it as a general state of mind. It's about putting yourself in a more positive state of mind, a happier mood if you like, by consciously focusing your thoughts. The facts don't change but your perspective of them can. At the least you can concentrate on what is good in your life - and very few people would have absolutely nothing they could smile about. Why would you want to do this? Because it makes you feel better and, whilst I don't have any empirical evidence to hand, I have no doubt this will in turn do wonders for your physical health.

I wouldn't want you to think that the extent of it is to think that there's always someone who's worse off. That was just the first occasion when I was aware of being able to shift my mood by thinking things through.

The year after I walked past that doorway, I split up with someone I was still in love with. Putting it mildly, I was devastated. My days and nights had revolved around her for so long that her absence left a gaping chasm. I stopped going out with my friends because I couldn't bring myself to join in the merriment and every moment out of work and college was spent in my room, thinking, moping, despairing. She was funny and sensitive and a host of other wonderful attributes, not least the ability to turn heads wherever we went. Indeed, long before we started seeing each other, I'd convinced myself she was way out of my league and I never stood a chance. Those thoughts came rushing back but with an added footnote - I would never be so happy again.

What then of this much vaunted relativity? Could anything be worse than losing someone you love? Well, yes. I read the following somewhere once and it's stuck with me ever since,

"It's better to love and to have lost than never to have loved at all."
;

Or similar. Actually it didn't stick so well that I'm sure I've got it word for word. If anyone can correct that or name the source, I'd be most grateful. Anyway, some may disagree but this is a sentiment I strongly adhere to. What's the alternative - going through life as a one-(wo)man show for fear of being hurt? That's not life.

As I relived some of our best moments together for the umpteenth time, I realised the memories were equally capable of raising or lowering the corners of my mouth. Really, the choice was mine. And as for all those times I'd inwardly smirked at the other lads gawping at her - supposing I'd been among their ranks and was offered the chance to be her Other Half but on the condition that one day it would have to end? It didn't take a doctorate to work out what the answer would have been. Looking at it from another angle, she could have had her pick of the bunch. That she chose to spend so long with me was welcome reassurance that there was hope for me yet.

The transformation wasn't instantaneous but I eventually shook myself out of that self-pitying stupor and grew to look back upon our time together as an extremely happy period of my life and nothing else. Something that no-one and nothing could ever take from me. It was over now though and it would be foolish to deprive myself of the present in order to dwell on the past.


On a similar note, if you'll excuse the expression, I once harboured thoughts of being a musician. Pragmatism eventually won the day and I chose a more prosaic but steady profession. A few years down the line, I went through a stage of really missing it and wondering what might have been. How good could I have been? I wasn't just thinking about commercial success but also the self-rewarding feeling of being involved with the music at the highest level of skill. Many of the greatest pieces of classical music eve
r written require years of dedicated specialisation to do them justice. As a kid, there was always the thought that one day I would reach that level. Cue the present day, I'd opted out and the harsh reality was that I would never attain those heights.

Once I reminded myself of the logic behind dealing with splitting up from my ex, this became an academic exercise. OK, I couldn't manage the Tchaikovsky violin concerto but I could play the Beatles on the piano. What if I couldn't even do that? As for my current music of preference, dance, DJ'ing had come 'naturally' to me thanks to years of reading, counting and visualising classical music. Lots of things I took for granted were actually the result of a privileged childhood. Count your blessings, lad.



I have a confession to make. This op started out as a favour to a very good friend. She's come to the end of a relationship and, having tired of me always harping on about positive thought and how there're plenty more fish in the sea, asked me to put it into words.

By the miracles of modern technology, someone who I've never met or even spoken to has also asked me to write something.

"August will be the four year anniversary of cancer-free living for me. And it would be lovely if you could help me celebrate that by writing an opinion about one of your favourite things. It could be a place, some music, a book, a child's toy, a game, it could be anything at all. Just a favourite thing of yours. It's not a write-off, there won't be any winners or losers, it will just be a celebration of the fact that no matter how rotten life can be at times, there is always something to make you smile."

This isn't the place to expand on my friend's situation so you'll understand if I focus on Jill for a bit. Returning to the idea of relativity, anything I've ever had cause to complain about pales into
insignificance compared to what she's gone through. But if it wasn't for the more serious ops that actually go into what's happened, you'd never have guessed that anything had ever been amiss. On the face of it, her pleasures in life are the simple ones - the children, the cooking, the reading to name but a few - but that's not to detract from their worth. The enjoyment that she derives from them is clear and genuine, and we benefit too because the positive thought of it all is unmistakeable and contagious.

It seems a bit risky, making such assertive proclamations about someone I've not met. Isn't it possible to be who you want to be behind the mask of a modem? Yes, but this requires a ridiculously high level of concentration. There are definitely characters on Dooyoo who shouldn't be taken at face value but these are usually geniuses e.g. Cammij or Quentin who seek to entertain. When someone writes about themself and/or everyday affairs for long enough, their true character inevitably shows through. I've got very little in common with Jill but I have the utmost respect for the person that she is and for what she brings to this site.

Sadly, whilst it is clear that both requests merit their own, dedicated ops, I've nonetheless taken the easy way out and halved the effort required by yours truly. Fortunately, the miracle that is modern technology also means I can deliver this to both of them without ever stepping within slapping distance.

thequy
xx

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Jill Murphy asked me to write about one of my favourite things to help her celebrate her fourth anniversary of cancer-free living and to remind ourselves of all the nice things in the world. It takes more muscles to make a frown than a smile you know. If you'd like to join in, whether you've only just joined dooyoo, or you've been here ages, you're more than welcome. Just write about one of YO
UR favourite things, make your title "A Favourite Thing: [your choice]" and include this paragraph at the foot of your opinion. And post before Friday, 9th August.

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