Newest Review: ... hours and seemed like 2 days. It was advertised as a black comedy, not for the faint hearted, extremely funny. It was actually about a per... more
Member Name: Cammij
Date: 13/01/07, updated on 13/01/07 (140 review reads)
Advantages: funny, exciting plot
Disadvantages: it changed my whole life
What is the worst movie ever? Everyone thinks they can be a film critic and talk about movies like "Death Cheaters", "North Sea Hijack", or "Ishtar" or the Kevin Costner "Dances with Fish" or "Fishtar" which he called "Waterworld" They can use words like "transparent plotlines" "Cardboard characters" "woody dialogue". Why do people go see movies and then complain? Let me see Heath Ledger naked or a few good car crashes and I am just fine, and the trailers and ads on the Telly make it clear to the potential viewer ht the movie is about. The last movie I saw was called "Snakes on a plane". What did I imagine the movie would be about? It wasn't like the "notebook" where you had to waste your time reading a book (which is so 1835) to guess what it was about. Hell I saw that notebook movie 6 times and still don't know what it is about. My point is that most of you trite people can watch a movie and if it is bad you are out 7 quid and two hours of your life, true some good movies like "Children of the Corn" or "Amityville Horror" can wreck you for a few years of childhood sleep quality. But if you see a crummy movie you are out of a few pence, let me tell you what the worst movie ever cost me.
First let me tell you about my life. I am a 43 year old recently retired firefighter from Akron Ohio. I am a little rough around the edges. I am only 1.6 m tall and weigh 100 kg. I started losing my hair in highschool and I have lots of warts. I had just started wearing my belt over my belly instead of under my belly making me have a pretty prominent "Frass"- short for front ass. I used to have another wife but she left me for some bikers the last I heard. So about 5 years ago I met a nice girl on a web site named Zanya. She was from Macedonia and 19 years old. I thought it would be like all the other ones where she would write me four letters and then proclaim that I am the man of her dreams and she feels our hearts are as one and then tell me she needs money for her mothers surgury and then i would send it and then she would say she needs $4000 to get a visa to come live with me forever and then I would send it and then her email address would change and I would call the macedonian embassy, to see if she was ok, maybe something happened, and send her picture and they would explain that the picture is actually that of a famous soap opera star. I am not saying that scenario ever happened, or happened three times with girls from Russia, Romania and Macedonia, I am just saying it could happen to a lonely heart like me.
I met Zanya online. She had been the winner of a beauty pageant in Skopje in 1999. She was the spokesmodel for the Kandik Cheese company. I personally feel that the pageant was just a few kegs of draft beer away from a wet T-shirt contest in Acapulco, but she was quite proud. We got married and she came here and we lived a happy life and had two children, a boy and girl. I was a fireman and she worked at a childrens clothing store until she got preggers. We would go bowling and ice fishing and were so happy. It is hard to imagine I would ever find such happiness.
Some of you self appointed film critics see where this is going. You are thinking, that Nicole Kidman movie where she is a Russian passport whore, his wife saw it and it caused problems. I wish.
We had the perfect life. I retired just 6 months ago after 20 years on the brigade and have a substantial pension and I took a part time job selling fire safety supplies, fire alarms, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers at one of those big huge home supply stores.
One day I was sitting at home. The wife had taken the brats to go get their portraits made at k-mart where you get like 146 pictures for $5.95 then they try to upsell you on all sorts of stuff. We had been fighting because she does not understand that at the home supply store that i had a bro-mance going on with a young man in the landscaping department. You know what I mean, you exchange gifts and call each other a lot and all that, but not like gay or something. She said it was ok with my mates from the fireshouse since we spent 24 hours at a stretch together, cooking, showering, working out and all that but she thought it was ok to have close friends at the fire house but "I will not to take anymore this not for an 8 dollar one hour job". So she did not let me have friends. So I was watching TV all alone. A movie called Juwanna Mann came on.
It was a gut wretching treatment of truth and a poignant adventure into the psyche of questioning how far extraordinary men, who still remained accessible and relevant, will go to chase their dreams, no actually it was some silly inane predictable crap about a guy named jamal jeffries who gets booted out of pro basketball for being a jerk and then pretends to be a woman to play womens basketball and along the way becomes a better person, loses his attitude, and falls in love. You can know the movie was garbage because Kevin Pollak was in it and he only participates in projects that are rubbish. There was nothing at all interesting in this movie. The plot was so thin and there was little surprise or suspense. There were some funny lines. It was the dumbest movie ever.
What was the worst part about this movie? I have seen movies before like Steel Magnolias or Fried green Tomatoes, or Benny and Joon, or Gilbert Grape or Tron Deadly Discs where you just have to sit and sip coffee and think about all of what you have seen, to sort of digest it, or at a minimal get on Nitpickers.com or spoilers.com and try to sort out the plot and see what really happened. Or worse yet a movie like Titanic makes you run out and get the book to see if all that really happened. When my wife and kids got home 6 hours later I was online alright, yes I was.
I became obsessed with ethnic transvestites. From this movie. Both of my sisters date afro-caribean men and they are quite honest that they would never date white men after being with these men. I am positive that they are the best lovers. And to see how hot Miguel Nunez was as he dressed as Juwanna. When he portrayed Jamal Jeffries I was like, wow, now that is a handsome man, I am comfortable saying that one guy or another is attractive, it is ok to do that but when he became Juwanna Mann I was just held captive by her. What more could a man want in life? Think about doing the Hot Carl or Polish bicycle ride with your wife, or any tart for that matter, now imagine doing it to a 6 foot five inch tall muscular black woman....brb....ok I am back, needed to take a break.
My life began to revolve around TVs. I am not talking about televisions. All I could do all day long is look up websites and buy porn online, if I ventured out of the house it was to go to the dirty book store. My wife became a constant terror to me, either mocking and taunting me and ridiculing me or else she would go and play the victim crying about how she gave me her whole world and i "did this" to her. She never said what "this" was, just that I "did this" to her. I quit going to my job or taking any role in parenting. I found chat rooms where I could talk to people about thier experiences and some even proprted to be black TVs. About a week after seeing the movie, which I promptly went online and bought on Ebay but then decided that I could not wait 5 days for it to arrive so I stole a copy from the video store since it wasn't on sale. So a week later I bought an alternative newspaper that had advertisements in the back for such people working as escorts. I had my first f2f a few days later in a motel six on the outskirts of Detroit. I will spare you the details.
I am now living in a beach front cabana in Rio, Brazil, my credit cards are maxed out, i have tricked most all my friends and family into sending me money "so I can come back and get help". My retirement fund is drained dry and all my savings are spent. I also had to deal with the traumatic experience of both my kids grabbing my legs and holding on crying that "daddy stay home", while I tried to leave the house. Meanwhile to have this angry Greek or Bosnian or whatever the hell Macedonian women are, making obscure obscene gestures at me as I drove away with my eyes flush with tears was not nice, I could hear her telling my precious babies, "Your daddy not real man, he go to be with man-women", I can see how Zanya could be a sore loser, but she didn't need to be so critical and abusive.
I do not know what happens from here. I am doing carpentry work here and there to try to stay alive and then I am out to the early morning with some girls that make Juwanna man seem like Mike Tyson. I don't know if I am happy or what, I just know I could not be anywhere else right now. If I had not seen that movie none of this would have happened. This week would have been my vacation and we were going to take the kids to Epcot and go whale watching. I just wish I had never been born.
Summary: This is the most powerful film of all time