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Be warned: this list contains the worst films ever made....
Member Name: Jayne
Date: 11/10/00, updated on 12/11/00 (342 review reads)
Disadvantages: Too many to list
(1) Class - Many of you may have not seen this film, although those who subscribe to the Paramount Channel on cable will no doubt have ("Class" is shown every two weeks on that channel for some reason). I only wanted to watch it because it contained John Cusack's debut performance (for all of 10 minutes), and was horrified by the sheer crappiness of this film. Basic storyline: a boarding school teenager has an affair with his room-mates mother. And thats it. It's possibly the most pointless film ever made, and when the film's closing credits rolled up I nearly threw the TV out the window in anger for wasting two hours of my life. PLEASE do not see this film, it'll only make you angry. Oh and it was made in the 80s, and it was so bad it was beyond laughable.
(2) Titantic - I'm sure many people will be offended by this, but please hear me out! First of all, Leonardo Di-bloody-caprio is in it, a man with as much talent as Jeremy Beadle. I've seen better actors from the cast of "Hollyoaks". Secondly, its possibly the most overrated film in the history of cinema, I cant honestly see (asides from the special effects) why it is supposedly so amazing. And it's not as if the sinking of the Titanic is hardly an original concept for a film, what with the many other Titanic-dedicated films. Finally theres the fact that the Titanic tragedy has become completely commercial, with people like James Cameron making a mint from many many peoples deaths, but no, many viewers of "Titanic" are only concerned with Dicaprios death (I dont know who was the better actor, Dicaprio or the piece of wood he was clinging onto). Add
to all this the fact that "Titanic" is 3 and a half HOURS long, which does no good for numb-arse syndrome, and the fact that everyone around me was heralding it as the best film EVER, and I truly despise this film!
(3) House On Haunted Hill - If you really want to know why I hated this film so much then I've written a review of it seperatly. Basically: bad acting + stereotypical writing and characters + the haunted house genre has been done so many times theres no room for originality no more = the worst film I've seen this year
(4) Critters 4 - The first "Critters" film was in my opinion, brilliant and in many ways similar to the equally great "Gremlins". The 2nd was so cheesy its good, the 3rd was alright asides from Plank of Wood (Dicaprio) being in it, but as for the 4th, two words spring to mind: Oh. Dear. Unlike the first 3 films, the 4th installment actually takes itself seriously, and the amount of critter action in it is incredibly small. Most of the time its just the crew of a spaceship chatting idly about well, crap, whilst up in space. The worst sequel to a horror film ever perhaps.
(5) Tales From the Darkside - It really does sadden me to have the god that is Steve Buscemi starring in one of my most hated films. This film features three "scary" stories as told by a little boy (who I think may be the brother of Joey Lawrence of "Blossom" fame, which in itself is bad enough) to Hansel and Gretal style witch Debbie Harry from Blondie (yes you heard right). Theres quite a few familiar faces in it actually, asides from Buscemi theres Christian Slater and Julianne Moore. Not their finest performances yet. Each tale is so predictable and scarily bad that this'll put you off all horror films for life.
(6) Armageddon - Make that two Steve Buscemi films then, although Steve does give this film the little credit it deserves. The film reeks, no make that stenches of ch
eese, and sorry to wreck the plot but oh boo-bloody-hoo Bruce Willis cops it at the end, how my heart aches with sadness. I stress this last point so sarcastically because after seeing this film all of my mates were in floods of tears, and it pissed me off so much that I now hate Bruce Willis and this diabolical film. If Bruce Willis is the only person that can save the world then God help us. Bad plot, predictable writing and a really annoying Aerosmith song that haunted us all by hanging round the charts for what seemed like years. Oh and the only decent character (played by Steve Buscemi of course) is tied and gagged up for the remaining half hour of the film. There is no justice in the movie world.
(7) She's The One - "Oh this looks like a nice enough, watchable film" me and a friend thought one day in the video shop. I dont think I've ever been wrong about anything more in my life, asides from deciding to stay up until 2am watching "Class" that is. "She's The One" has the charisma of Ann Robinson, i.e. none. Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz make another wrong choice for starring in a particular movie, as no one can save this deadpan of a film. I think I may have fallen asleep somewhere in the midst of another argument between Aniston's character and her husband, who could easily beat Gail and Martin Platt from "Coronation Street" in a repetitive arguments match. So dont see this film if your life means anything to you.
(8) Hobgoblins - I saw this film on an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000", so at least I could still laugh at this film. However without the help of "MST3K" this film should never have been allowed to be made. When you think of all the talented film-makers out there who have something to bring into the film industry and are largely ignored, it makes you wonder how utter crap like "Hobgoblins" gets the capital to be made. This film is ba
sically just a rip off of "Critters", and features some of the cheesiest 80s fashion/style moments ever. I swear there is one entire 15 minute scene where two characters have a fight using...........garden rakes! Yes it is that bad, as are the performances and the hobgoblins themselves which look like what can only be described as fluffy snotrags with sharp teeth. So keep away from this film.
(9) Flight of the Navigator - Picture the scene, its bank holiday monday, and I turn on the Tv to find......"Flight of The Navigator" on for the 10th time that year. Basic gist: a boy stumbles across a spaceship and travels accidentally 10 years into the future. Oh yes, we have never seen anything like this before, have we? This film, along with "Innerspace" seems to be on every SINGLE bank holiday every year. And each time I am drawn into watching it. Oh it makes me mad, especially that bratty kid. I can think of hundreds of 80s kids films that wipe the floor with this, best example being "The Goonies".
(10) Velvet Goldmine - Two things crossed my mind after watching this film. Firstly "oh no thats another 2 hours of my life wasted on watching a bad film" and secondly "er what the hell was that all about?" You'd get more sense out of an episode of "Twin Peaks". It would seem clear that Ewan McGregor hasnt made a decent film since "Trainspotting" ("Nightwatcher" anybody?) and poor Eddie Izzard yet again chooses to feature in one of the worst films ever made (add to this also his appearances in the truly poor "Avengers" and "Mystery Men"). The film is about some missing rock star from the 70s and some journalist has to track him down or something, I dont know I lost interest after the first 15 minutes. So you'll be advised not to watch this film.
And not forgetting the film's which had the fortune of just mi
ssing the list:
"Driving Miss Daisy" (snore)
"Deep Blue Sea" (a poor man's version of "Jaws")
All the "Police Academy" films (self-explanatory really)
"The Net" (Sandra Bullock makes another mistake in her career)
"The Waterboy" (Make that joint 10th with "Velvet Goldmine" actually, if you havent seen this film, you'd be advised to give it a miss)
Well, it's a lengthy read but I hope you erm, "enjoyed" my list of film turkeys, and I hope I have warned you off some of the worst films ever made, in my opinion that is. It would seem that some of you have taken offence at some of the choices on my list (notably "Titanic"), so please remember that it's only an opinion, and I respect your views just as you respect mine (hopefully). Remember this list was written by the girl who adores "Grease 2"!