Writing about my top ten films was tricky enough: there are after all many good films. But not as many, I would suggest as there are truly bad films: if you watch the sort of films they show on Terrestrial TV six nights a week then you'll know exactly what I mean. Which makes singling out 10 particularly bad films particularly difficult not to mention slightly unfair: imagine the disappointment of all those directors when they discover that despite their worst efforts what they made wasn't quite THAT bad.


Actually that's not entirely fair because in at least 4 cases the films I've picked come from series that I otherwise enjoyed but which alas contained one huge duffer. Annnnyway, here we go in reverse order of rubbishtasticness

10. Carry on Behind

Unlike other reviewers in this topic I am a huge Carry On fan: given that the films were made on a budget that could be counted in shillings they are often very funny. Not this one: this one was made at the stage that often occurs in successful series: the ideas are running out, the quality is dropping but the die hard fans keep watching in the hope that things will get better. This encourages the filmmakers to carry on (no pun intended) making said series with the result that you get films like this. In the first place most of the classic carry on cast were either dead or doing other things, in the second place the setting of an architectural dig next to a caravan site was hardly inspirational and thirdly IT'S NOT FUNNY!

9. Barbarella

Hmmm. When this film came on my Mum informed me that the lead actress had attempted to suppress it for many years because it so embarrassed her (the lead actress that is, not my Mum). Surely, I thought, it can't that bad. Oh well we all make mistakes: This is so truly dire that it was ALMOST amusing. The plot was shaky and the acting was off the Sylvester Stallone school of drama standard. If you enjoy watching truly
awful movies watch it, otherwise avoid like the plague.

8. Star Trek I

Unlike Carry on Behind the problem here wasn't that it was too late on in a successful series rather it was too early. The rest of the Star Trek film series are pretty good but this one is rubbish. You get the impression that the director decided that whatever his budget he was going to stretch the film to over two hours in length, a determination he maintained when his budget turned out to be 12 1/2p. Thus the one decent model shot in the whole film - that of the refitted enterprise is stretched too about 10 minutes in length accompanied by dodgy music and interspersed with shots of Admiral Kirk and Scotty looking suitably near orgasmic as they inspect the refit. Once they get aboard they proceed in a most predictable manner: saving earth etc. etc. Even ardent trekkies seem a bit embarrassed by this one.

7. Rocky V

Rocky IV good, Rocky V, baaaaddddd. After returning from Russia, Rocky finds out he's lost all his money and has suspected brain damage. No surprise there really. The film proceeds with no big Rocky fight scene, which were the best bits of the earlier film. Instead it has just a bit of a street brawl with is just a tad boring. OK, so no one expects a Rocky Film to be a great classic but the others at least managed to entertain you a bit

6. Police Academy VII: Mission to Moscow

It's the same old story. The first police academy film was pretty funny but it went downhill from there. And by the time we reached number 7 they'd gone so far down the hill they were in the valley of death. Realising the setting the film in the same place was a bit TOO cheap they thought setting it in Moscow might help. And it might have except the jokes were the same and the plot was basically the same: evil baddies terrorise city, goody cops go in there and sort it out. Everyone shouts Hurrah and lives happily ever after. Or something.
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5. Suburban Commando

One of two Hulk Hogan films in this list and boy are they both deserved. Hulk Was clearly not cut out to be an actor or, if he was, he's just very unlucky in that he's managed to end up in two really awful films. In this one he's an interstellar hero forced to hide out on earth with an ordinary family until his ship can recharge. Cue loads of 'hilarious' Star Trek IV style interaction scenes as he struggle to understand muggers, bad drivers etc. And then the crowning badness of the film the Father of afore mentioned ordinary family tries on his power suit and has to be rescued from nasty people. A utterly terrible film which I would recommend you make it your life's ambition to avoid

4. Streetfighter the Movie

This was a good computer game because it has the right elements of a decent tournament fighter game: the characters all have OK moves and its quite playable. Alas what no one told the makers of this film is that a decent computer game does not necessarily make a good film. Or even a not totally awful film. To even attempt making the conversion work requires an improbable series of stories as to why each character is fighting, generally some convoluted desire at revenge against the chief baddie for kidnapping their goldfish when they were 3 or something. As for the acting, think Rocky without quite so much quality.

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Why do people like this film: why does it seem to achieved some sort of cult status? Please someone tell me I really would like to know. It's a very clichéd plot with very clichéd characters - bloke bunks off school with girlfriend gets into scrapes, ho ho ho aren't we all so amused and entertained. No. It tries and fails horrendously to be funny, it's not original and the acting is shoddy at its best and it's not at its best for most of the film.

2. Mr Nanny

Hulk Hogan plays a Wrestler who
's had enough and wants to find a different line of work. So he takes a job as Nanny to two little brats and manages to tame them before saving their Dad's plans for a secret microchip from the evil bad guys. No I didn't make that up and yes it is as bad as it sounds. This film made me want to a) throw up b) throw something at the TV c) Emigrate to somewhere which shows decent films on TV. And that's all I'm gonna say because if I even have to contemplate this film anymore I might scream.

1. Titanic

Deepest apologies to any DeCaprio fans who might disagree but this film just demanded to be at the top of my list. Lets look at the case for the prosecution: a) It's crap b) It's three hours long c) It's got Leonardo DeCaprio in it. A movie about Titanic would have been absolutely fine but this film treats the famous sinking as almost incidental to a fictitious romance story with a chance to diss off the English as all being evil aristos along the way. The acting too in distinctly ropey and the only thing that saves the film at all is the special effects. The next time anyone wants to make an epic historical film cost $x million please do so, but keep DeCaprio out.