"If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." - Al Capone (Worst)

Member Name: ILoveJackDaniels

Product:	Worst
Date:	24/07/01 (85 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: This might save a few souls

Disadvantages: These films shouls be burned

I could not have said it better myself, so here it is - my definitive guide to the Top 10 Worst movies ever made. Before I start my lunatic ravings, I would like to let you know that I have seen all of these films, and really, really can't stand the thought of watching them ever again.

> Number 10 - Galaxy Quest

Just beating 'Predator', 'Death Race 2000' and 'Julien Donky Boy' for a place in the Top 10, 'Galaxy Quest' is possibly the most pathetic film ever made. It features the marvellous talents of Tim Allen as the captain of a spaceship in a TV series. Along with the crew of the ship he is abducted by aliens - who have based their entire way of life on the series and need Timmy to save them all. This film is crap. Take my word for it.

> Number 9 - Nowhere to Run

Though Nowhere to Run is Van Damme's worst attempt at a film, I feel number 9 should be expanded to include everything he has ever done. It is difficult to distinguish between his films - they all feature him kicking people, spinning around and stuff, and very little else. Imagine Die Hard without Bruce Willis and with no decent criminals, and you'll be on the right tracks. (And I really hate Double Impact too).

> Number 8 - Meet the Feebles

Peter Jackson is a king. Braindead is one of the best films ever recorded. It has more blood than any other film ever made. And a lawnmower. And a psycho baby. Meet the Feebles has none of these. It has muppets. Ok, yes, they are twisted, disgustingly sick muppets. But they are still muppets. There is no plot to speak of. If you ever think about watching this film, slap yourself and then rent BRAINDEAD. Seriously.

> Number 7 - The Piano

Thankyou to da_musicman, who also has an op in this category. I read through his op and remembered just how dull the Piano really is. It can't be said enough - there is nothing interesting or entertaining about this f
ilm, except maybe when that woman has her fingers cut off. But that's why it's at 7 and not 1.

> Number 6 - The Saint

Much like The Avengers, The Saint took the idea behind a great classic series and mutilated it, twisting it into an unwatchable flop. Val Kilmer, to his credit, isn't bad, but is way off his best, and the script hardly gave him much to work with. I hope that future versions of old classic series change the trend.

> Number 5 - Blues Brothers 2000

I loved Blues Brothers. Jake and Elwood Blues are without doubt the two coolest characters ever created for the big screen. However, Blues Brothers 2000 missed out on every single little thing that made Blues Brothers what it was. It was almost a carbon copy, minus the plot, script and characters. Elwood wasn't nearly as cool, Jake wasn't in it (John Belushi died before it was made) and John Goodman wasn't nearly up to the standard he is capable of. Watching this film will ruin your impression of the Blues Brothers for ever. It should be avoided like Black Death.

> Number 4 - The General

Most people have heard of Kevin Spacey, and seen him in his best roles (Se7en, Usual Suspects, LA Confidential etc). Most people even know he starred in a film recently called Ordinary Decent Criminal. Most people hated it. But it is based on a film called The General. Which is much, much worse. It is dire. It is Ordinary Decent Criminal put through a blender. Rent Ordinary Decent Criminal by all means, but don't let the video shop guys convince you to rent The General. They convinced me to, and now I am certain they are evil.

> Number 3 - Speed 2

There are about a billion things that irritate me about this film. Everyone has seen Speed - it's not bad. It's not great either, and this is where I get confused. Take an average film, with average acting and a bad plot. Take that film, remove what little talent there is, cha
nge a few words of the script and swap a bus for a boat. Then film it badly, with bad effects and what do you have? Speed 2. Complete rubbish.

> Number 2 - Titanic

You either love it or hate it. I hate it. Never in history has such an over-rated film come to the attention of so many people. People claim it has 'changed their lives'. Damn right, it has warped them hideously. I've watched it, and can say, without a shadow of doubt, that this film has nothing at all to offer. There are NO plus sides to it. It is rubbish. If you haven't seen it yet, you are one of the luckiest people alive. If you own a copy on video, I urge you to please burn it, if not for me then for the good of the nation.

> Number 1 - The House of Usher

The single most unwatchable pile of rubbish ever put onto film has to be, without a shadow of doubt, The House of Usher. I love horror movies, even the old ones that simply aren't scary these days, but this is trash. Billed as a horror, there is simply no attempt at suspense, surprise or any semblance of a plot. Almost every film has something that makes it watchable. The House of Usher has nothing. If you asked me to choose between watching The House of Usher again and stabbing myself in the crotch with a pair of scissors for two hours, the scissors would win.


So there it is. Pain and suffering readily available from any local video shop. Ladies and Gentlemen, please beware - films like these are everywhere. You may even be preparing to watch one now. Go and live in a cave, with no TV or video - it's much much safer in the long run.

Summary: