Top 10 Turkeys (Worst)

Member Name: deano76

Product:	Worst
Date:	26/07/02 (317 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None, None I tell you

Disadvantages: UGH!, Don't even ask

No one enjoys a really good grouch quite like me, so I thought I'd compile my worst ten movies list to let off a bit of steam.

Be sure to steer well clear of this lot, I was unfortunate enough to have actually paid to watch them. I hope in my grief at throwing my cash away I can stop some other unsuspecting victims from falling into the same trap.
Here they are from 10 to 1 in order of naffness.

No.10. SHOWGIRLS: Robocop, total recall, starship troopers and hollow man are just some of the films Paul Verhoeven is responsable for, four half decent films most would say.
Showgirls however, isn't, it just shows that even though you are good at something, it doesn't mean that everything you touch will turn to gold.
Gina Gershon heads a lame cast about a bunch of (you wouldn't have guessed it would you) showgirls and the troubles they have while making a pornographic play. Various members of the cast encounter problems with their lives which starts to effect the show, blah de blah, what more can I say? Naff acting, corny punch and judy style music and an implausable script, this movie was doomed from the off and was rightly, a massive flop.

No.9. CANDYMAN 3 - DAY OF THE DEAD: For those of you who don't remember Clive Barkers classic horror Candyman, then here's a brief reminder of the legend.

A few hundred years ago, Daniel Robataille, a black slave fell in love with a white woman. This was not tolerated and the townsfolk beat and tortured him, cut off his hand with a rusty saw and covered his body with honey (hense the name candyman) and then released hundreds of hungry bees to finish him off.
Now he has returned, and if you turn off the light, look in a mirror and say Candyman five times he will come for you and your basically dead within seconds.

His hand has been replaced by a large razor sharp hook and his chest is a living beehive. The first movie was excellent the second, direct
ed by Bill Condon (DON not DOM) was very mediocre and the third directed by Turi Meyer is just garbage.
Tony Todd who plays the candyman(excellently), has stayed loyal to the films reprising his role for the second time.
But the film also stars Donna D'errico an ex glamour model, who has to be the worlds worst actress and totally spoils the film.

I couldn't get into the story at all because of how wooden and pathetic her acting is, I found it hard to concentrate on the film and couldn't take it seriously.
Sure, she's sexy and sure, she has perfectly formed and absolutely huge breasts but is that all you need to make it in hollywood these days?
This film needs to be remade using a different actress and then I could give it a more positive review.

NO.8. ANYTHING BY WOODY ALLAN: Sorry, I know this isn't a specific film but I can not understand why so many people find his films funny. You see them in the tv ratings guide all the time grabbing five stars, wonderfully funny, engrosing, riotous and imaginative.(Yeah right) Alice, bullets over broadway, everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask and mighty aphrodite are just some of this geeky looking spuds films, that he always stars in and always ends up with a beautiful woman.

I mean, c'mon, what does he take us for? The guy looks like a 70 year old version of Harry Potter, what drop dead gorgeous woman could honestly find him attractive?
His films are boring, slow and about as humourous as a trip to the dentist. Anyone fancy starting up an anti woody protest?

NO.7. FOUST - LOVE OF THE DAMMED: I first heard of this film on a movie trailer where they boast that faust won a sunrise or sommat like that, award for best special effects.
The trailer looked fairly cool so off I went the net day to grab a copy from the vid shop. Gee Whizz, was I in for a surprise. The movie stars Andrew Divoff, who last played the
wishmaster in wes cravens so so horror.
And to be honest I had trouble even understanding what the film was about.
Some Joe Bloggs has his family murdered and tries to kill himself. Enter the gruff voiced Divoff who asks him to sign a contract swapping his immortal soul for the power of vengeance which he does.
And with two weird shaped blades strapped to his arms and a red cloak and dodgy make up, Faust is born and for the rest of the movie he goes around jumping through windows slicing and dicing everyone he meets.

The ending is absolutley ludicrous and the soundtrack is constant Really HEAVY METAL, which after the first ten minutes or so did my bloody head in.
It was directed by Bryan Yuzna who also made some more dodgy films a while ago, that I only found out about after watching this one. Namely, Mutronics and re animator 2. In a word Crap!

NO.6. GUEST HOUSE PARADISO: Anyone remember the tv series Bottom staring Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson?
Well this is the big screen version of that, Great I hear you say, bound to full of laughs. Not at all, Richie and Eddie are running a hotel and kick ten bells of crap out of each other for the first hour of the film for no apparent reason.
(The only funny part being the kitchen fight scene where they smash each other in the face with coffee pots and fire extinguishers and slam each others heads in the fridge door).
Daft but amusing.
Anyway, they accidentally poison all the hotel guests and the back end of the film consists of twenty people opening and shutting their room doors and throwing up all over the place. Richie and Eddie are totally covered in the stuff and as there is so much puke everywhere, it wells up into a big green ball and chases them down the stairs(totally ludicrous).
I cant believe Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson had anything to do with the script and general production of this movie, but sadly they did.
Terrible waste.

NO.5. BOYZ N
THE HOOD: Now I'll probably get bad ratings about this, because lots of people actually love this film, directed by Spike Lee and staring the likes of, the excellent Cuba Gooding Jr, and Morpheus himself Lawrence Fishburne.
But I have to say, I can't stand the film, all it seems to be is a group of young black Americans sitting on a doorstep for two hours talking about drugs and women.

They delve back into their childhoods and talk some more, then when they do actually move off of the doorstep they go to a barbie and talk some more.
Instead of talking why couldn't they have been actually doing something, like, ANYTHING...It would've been so much more interesting.
I'm not a fan of spike lee movies as they always seem to be slow paced and contain the same dialogue. But many people are and for those of you reading this, I appologise, but this film stinks.

NO.4. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: Well, this was bulled up to be a massive summer blockbuster and failed miserably.
It stars the likes of Jeremy Irons(die hard 3), Bruce Payne (pasenger 57), Marlon Wayans(scary movie 1+2) and Thora Birch (american beauty) and is directed by first time director Courtney Soloman.
The film is based on the playstation game of the same name but is very poorly made. The script is abysmal and hard to swallow and the usually reliable cast all give below par performances. The special effects for the dragons and various other monsters in the movie are, for a big screen hollywood film, poor to say the least and even the background scenarios are very cardboard looking.

It is supposed to be about a group of teenagers trying to stop an evil wizard and all of his nasties from gaining control over red dragons which, as it stands are uncontrolable. But if a special staff is obtained then this can be used to domesticate them and the world would be yours. The script has more holes than a pair of mr beans socks and even a cameo appearanc
e from Richard O'Brian (the bald guy from tv's crystal maze) can't inject any life into this dreaful piece of cinema, avoid.

NO.3. D.N.A: If you were unlucky enough to see this on channel 5 a couple of months ago, then spare a thought for poor old me.
I was unlucky enough to rent it out on video last year.
To think, it actually cost me money to watch it. The movie stars Mr cornball himself, Mark Dacascos (always in crap films) and Jurgen Prochnow, It's about a group of scientists who use alien DNA found in a cave to make themselves a monster in a hidden jungle laboratory. All hell breaks loose when, surprise, surprise, it escapes. Not only is it stronger and faster that man but it can camourflage itself as well. This film is a joke, The script reeks of movies like Alien and Predator, but the film is very poorly put together, the special effects are grim and the acting is overdone, bigtime.
Dire.

NO.2. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE: I know this was released in the 70s but it was given the digital touch and re released last year. In many respects, this film is classed as a cult classic. Why, I have no idea. Stanley Kubrick, who made the film has always been a little on the contravercial side, just look at some of his other offerings like, the shining and full metal jacket and the new colaboration with steven spielberg A.I.

But this movie is just psycotic, it's absolutely loony tunes. Gangs of freaky costume clad teenagers led by a young Malcolm Macdowall, going for drinks of milk in a weirdo bar and then setting out to mame and kill innocent people.

I mean, I do enjoy a nice bit of violence in movies but chasing a poor woman round her living room with a giant pot penis before using it as a weapon for clubbing her to death, is a touch much.

The style of the film is so strange and alien that it makes you feel claustrophobic and gagging for it to end.
There is a moral, at least that it is wrong t
o do harm to other human beings, but the way in which it is put across is disturbing. The soundtrack too is all classical mozart and bach which, doesnt go to someone being violenly beaten up or murdered. It took me a few days to recover after watching this I can tell you, never again.

NO.1. ARACHNID: Well, what more can I say?
I have submitted this to Dooyoo so I can tell you all about it, watch this space... Worst film of all time Ugh! the thought.

Thanks for the read.

DEANO!

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