Man's most diabolical creations... (Worst)

Member Name: jesika_jay

Product:	Worst
Date:	27/09/02 (158 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: something to laugh at

Disadvantages: Not even worth going into in these tiny boxes, see op!

Feeling rather cynical and completely frustrated due to intense boredom and hungover-ness, I thought what better a time to tell the world how dismally disgusted I was at these... things... they call "films". Being a Film student, I am highly critical of a lot of films I watch, but these ones do little more than take the p*ss. Someone somewhere must've believed that these dire displays were "art" (after all film making is considered to be an art) in order for them to be released. Someone somewhere must've been overwhelmed by the pure talent and originality put into these films, otherwise we- the public- would never have had the pleasure of being blessed with them.

So, what are these compelling magnificent and enthralling pieces of art work? Well I shall start with number ten, and then laboriously drag you through these cringe-worthy crap piles until we reach.... The One. The Worst Film ever made.

--10--

"Rosemary's Baby"

This film went on. And on. And on. And on. And yes, it went on. Ok, I think I have made my point; it goes on. On where? On absolutely bloody nowhere. Rosemary is pregnant and thinks she has a devil child. Or something along those tremendously exciting lines. This film is weird and gets weirder. Don't get me wrong- weird is good, but when weird just leads to cringing and embarrassment, it just aint good. Rosemary's baby was dubbed an "Excellent and Original masterpiece" by critics, so obviously someone thought it was worth it's while. In fact, they thought it was so good that cinemas across the U.K were still showing it as a special "Director's Chair" screening some thirty years after it was made. So what's my problem then? It was dribble. That's what. After sitting on your butt in an uncomfortable cinema chair for two and a half hours, you do hope somewhat that something good is going to happen at the end, you know, a cli
max! But this is one of those "let's leave the audience anticipating", "let's leave it to their imaginations" type of films. How infuriating!

--9--

"Jurassic Park 3"

Was this meant to be a comedy? Either way, it sure made me laugh. It should've been renamed "The amazing adventures of the Incredible Mobile Phone" or something! Throughout the erm... story (yeeeeah, story) we follow the phone to a crashed plane, onto an abandoned dinosaur island, into a dinosaur's dinner, into his tummy and- wait for it- into his poo! I found myself so totally mesmerised by the extraordinary tales of the mobile phone, that I was forgetting about the real "storyline". I found myself eagerly awaiting the next irritating ring of the mobile phone- the audience was literally in hysterics when the little tune started ringing from- yep you guessed it- the dino's tummy! You should've seen the look on that T-Rex's face when he noticed that his tummy was mysteriously chirping away to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake- or something of that nature! It really was hilarious! An experience, to say the least.

--8--

"The Tit and the Moon"

For those of you who have been lucky enough not to have had the absolute delight of watching and laughing at this abysmal film (I doubt many have heard of it) this is a perverted and twisted film. "Cool!" I hear you enthuse. But it aint cool. This is just plain perverse. It's paedophilic nature leaves one wondering how on earth this film was aired. Basically it is about a boy of about ten who is obsessed with a woman and wants to be breast fed by her. Milk-squirting and Toe-sucking are just some of the lovelies that we witness in this er... film. The boy eventually gets his wish; the woman squirts her breast milk into his mouth. An obscure piece of "art". It is so bad, it will have you in stitches. But don'
t let that be an incentive to go hunt it down and watch it.

--7--

"Traffic"

Boring. There is no better use for the word than that of a descriptive for this film. This is a total yaaaaaaawn. Such a load of nonsense is this film that I didn't understand what the hell was going on. Will someone please enlighten me? Actually, on second thoughts- DON'T! I could not wait for this film to end and found my eyelids drooping just at the very thought of Zeta-Jones co-starring alongside her old and grey husband, Michael Douglas. My instincts were right- this film would be as boring as waiting for very wet paint to dry. Only wish I'd listened to my inner voices...

--6--

"Scary Movie 2"

The first one was actually quite good, I thought. So that's why I was looking forward to the sequel. Oh what a disappointment! Scary movie was a good idea which should have quitted while it was ahead. Once is good, twice is not. Unoriginal. Pointless. Crap. Sorry for the unimaginative description, but after thinking and writing about such an un-inspirational mockery of a film, there really is not much that springs to mind. Sorry. If you've seen the first one, just don't ruin it by seeing the second.

--5--

"Glitter"

Pass me the hankies. No this love story is neither moving nor uplifting. Pass me the hankies because Mariah's acting skills are making my eyes leak- with pain. A film about a young (??) American girl who tries against all odds to make ends meet and follow her dream of becoming a singer, whilst she also hopes that one day she may be reunited with her mother. Surprise surprise, she becomes a singer and finds her mummy. Boohoo, it makes you want to cry. Yep, I cried alright. Only because I knew I'd have to sit through at least an hour and a half of this sentimental backwash before I could be able to leave a certain friend's house. A Mariah-obses
sed friend. You would have to be pretty Mariah-obsessed to find this in any way appealing. One big, badly-acted cliche. Don't give up ya day job, Mariah.

--4--

"The Deep Blue Sea"

Why oh why did anyone give this film the go-ahead? Haven't we been there, done that, got the t-shirt and thrown it away? After watching "Jaws" and more Jaws and more Jaws, and numerous other films about DNA mishaps and monster creations, you'd think the general public would have tired of this type of yarn. Ohhhhh no. This was a mega blockbuster. Heaven only knows why. Sharks with human intelligence? Pur-lease. Pass me the puke bucket before I spew all over my nice clean carpet! Sorry for the cynicism, but it's how I feel!

--3--

"The Blair Witch Project"

Following the hype over this film, I was itching to witness "the scariest movie ever made". Always one for a god ol' scare, I was well up for this one. "Chilling", "Spine tingling", "Exciting". These were just some of the terms I went into the cinema with. "Dog's Dinner", "Back-stabbingly boring" and "A pile of crap" were a few of the less sceptical phrases that stemmed to mind on the way out. They tried to be original by trying to do scary without any graphic goriness. But it just didn't work. I wanted to SEE the witch! I wanted BLOOD! But I don't care if that wasn't the point of the film! What's the point in making a film where just about everything is left to the imagination? I mean, you might as well just stick a bunch of people in a dark room, tell them to close their eyes and think of a scary story. It would've saved all the trouble of making a nondescript film. I rest my case.



--2--

"Braindead"

I was reluctant to add this to my list of worst ever films because I actually enjoyed watching thi
s, in a sick and twisted sort of way. I actually laughed till my back ached, my sides split and I lost every sane friend I had. For years I debated with myself over whether this film was entertainment at its max or just a pile of badly made, tastelessly thought up, appallingly acted C.R.A.P. After much careful thought, I have come to the conclusion that not only does it deserve to be in my top ten list of worst ever films, but it deserves the not so humble number two spot, just one place behind the worst film ever made. Hehe, it was funny but ohhhh soooo baaaad!

----Da da da (drum roll)----

--NuMbEr OnE--

"The Blair Witch 2: The Book of Shadows"

Absolutely no plot. No point. No talent. No nothing.

Sorry to go back to the same subject of the good ol' Blair Witch again, but they were both so unspeakably atrocious that they deserve to hold two separate places in my top ten list! Maybe some of you think I am cheating by including both an original and a sequel as two different entries, but the whole point is that they were so unbelievably BAD that I just can't get over it and am utterly bitter when I think of the odd £12 I spent on cinema tickets and some 3 hours I wasted watching these flops. One might ask, why the hell did I waste money buying a ticket to see the sequel when the first had me grinding my teeth and retching in dismay? Well, the answer to that question is that I thought this would be so bad that it would actually be worth witnessing, just in order to rant about at a later date. I saw this film only to aid myself at times like these where I am desperately searching for something to moan about.

Does anyone know that feeling when you have been warned NOT to look at something because it is so horrific? Or NOT to smell something because it will make you want to cough your guts up? Yet you feel compelled to do so. There is something bizarrely intriguing about things that people tell you N
OT to do; you feel you must do them. For whatever reason. Human nature, I guess. It's a funny thing; I just hope you won't all go out and watch these disastrous film flops just because I have specifically told you NOT to!!

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