Before I start I must warn you that there is some bad language in this op and I haven't used any asterisk's. If you think you may be offended by it don't read it. If you do read it and are offended don't complain to me because it's your own fault you can't follow instructions.

They're not films from a specific decade, because I didn't want to. They're not in any particular order but number one is the worst film on the face of the planet.

The Nutty Professor 2
******************

The nutty professor was a passable film, nowt special but enjoyable. This was just dull; a rehash of the same film and frankly by the time it was half way through I was so bored I wanted to hang myself.

He's going out with Janet Jackson, his family are still a bunch of disgusting degenerates, but now we se a lot more of them. It should be funny but it's not. It should be interesting but it's not.

It's just rubbish.

So what do you really think Chelle? It's boring

Bridget Jones Diary
****************

Yep, I'm a girl and this was crap.

I've read the books and they were mildly amusing but then they brought it to the film and made the Bridget Jones I could cope with (the one in my head) into an annoying, non-descript, middle class whinger.

I know quite a lot of thirty year old women, some single some not, and I've never come across this kind of pathetic neurosis that just makes me wanna slap the bitch up.

And then they have that annoying twat Huge Grant in it.

Arrrghhhh!
So what do you really think Chelle? Annoying

All Tom Cruise Films
******************

Hmmm, probably won't have many followers here, but bear with me.

They're all the same!

Top Gun:

He's a pilot,
He's a pretty good pilot,
Has a crisis of confidence,
He meets a prett
y girl
He's a good pilot again.

Days of Thunder:

He's a racing driver,
He's a pretty good racing driver,
Has a crisis of confidence,
He meets a pretty girl
He's a good racing driver again.

Jerry Maguire:

He's a sports agent,
He's a pretty good sports agent,
Has a crisis of confidence,
He meets a pretty girl
He's a good sports agent again.

Cocktail:

He's a barman,
He's a pretty good barman,
Has a crisis of confidence,
He meets a pretty girl
He's a good barman again.

Need I go on?

So what do you really think Chelle? Samey


All 'family Dramas'
****************

You know the ones I mean they're on channel 5, they're called things like 'because mommy works' and 'she was betrayed'

They're all American slush that begins with a wonderful family, but you can sense tragedy on the horizon.

Something happens, one of them becomes and alcoholic or marries into violence and all that kind of thing. Custody battles feature heavily.

I know they handle difficult serious subjects but on the whole they do it badly. They show it all on a horrid toned down Dallas, white picket fence style that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the nastiness of reality.

So what do you really think Chelle? Pukemaking

All the highlander films
********************

It's a good idea but Christopher Lambert's Scottish accent is cringe inducingley bad.

I just couldn't enjoy the film with that stupid, stupid sound coming out of his mouth. Which part of Scotland did he come from then? St Tropez!

The sequels were rubbish too.

That's really my only beef with it.

So what do you really think Chelle? Set my teeth on edge.

Titanic
*******

Some
hated it, some loved it.

Personally I thought that the vast human tragedy that was the Titanic demanded a much better main story that that pillock and Kate Winslet. It wasn't even a true story. There must have been a better story that was real. There must have been a better story, one that wouldn't make me wanna scream 'hurry up and die, you skinny, spotty runt!' I can't believe he got paid for inflicting that on us.

So what do you really think Chelle? I was glad when the boat sank.

The Patriot
**********

Not to be confused with Mel Gibson's Patriot (which was also crap). No this is a Steven Seagal film that is so bad I can feel the bile rising as I sit here thinking about it.

Stevie boy is a disaffected military doctor living in the middle of American nowhere in a small town with his daughter. There's no wife so I assume the reason he left the army is because of some awful bungle he made resulting in her death so that no he has to hide away to nurse his guilt (that's the way it is in his films right?).

Some lunatic decides to unleash a deadly virus on the town and Steve has to race to find a cure and beat the crap out said lunatic's henchmen at the same time. The daughter gets kidnapped, but she's a feisty girl and manages to escape, meanwhile they all hide out with the local native Americans and find out that this flower tea they drink is the cure.

At the end of the film they fly over the town in a helicopter throwing petals at the half dead townspeople telling then to make tea with it.

It shite, its predictable shite, I felt like putting my foot through the telly. In fact I recommend you watch just so you can see how incredibly crap this film is.

So what do you really think Chelle? It's flowery bollocks

Red Sonja
*********

I've just watched it; it was on BBC choice.

Oh god it's bad!
r>It's just and excuse for some bird with a ginger mullet to walk round on screen for ninety minutes half-naked.

The dialogue is stilted, the acting is rubbish, and the story is stupid.

On her travels Sonja meets a bloke who sounds like a New York taxi driver and another who sounds a bit welsh, very authentic I must say.

The talisman thing that she's supposed to find, which becomes more powerful in light and may destroy the world, is being kept in a chamber of candles. Yes candles! Well I say, that's bloody dangerous isn't it. Light gives it power, don't they know candles burn down? Didn't they think about the fact that they may go out?

Bunch of twats.

Oh, and Sonja hates men, then she meets Arnold Swordswinger and we know that's its just going to end up with them shagging the arse of each other. At least it would if it were a decent film, instead we get this absolute bollocks where they're going 'No man may have me unless he beats me in a fair fight' Fucking kinky bitch!

So what do you really think Chelle? it's Bollocks

Tombraider
**********

This should have been called Titraider.

Angelina Jolie waving her bazookas at me for an hour and a half, now I've nothing against bazookas but they seemed to have forgotten to add a decent story, script or and decent acting (with the exception of Chris Barrie of course)

The script is rubbish and patronising, the acting is so wooden I though I saw leaves growing out of Lara Croft's arse.

I can't believe I paid to watch this, that money actually left my pocket and made then gobshites who made this film a little bit richer! In fact, my friend got it out on video but forgot to take it back and they tried to charge him an extra £2.50, he told them that there was absolutely no way he was paying any extra money for that steaming pile of crap.

So what do you really
think Chelle? It's tit wank

Moonwalker
***********

Oh my god. My eyes are bleeding. This really is the worst film ever, ever made.

As a kid I was a huge Michael Jackson fan. I'd go round to my mate (who had a stereo with disco lights) and we'd dance to her bad album (and tiffany and hot chocolate too).

But this, oh this. After watching this I could never stomach Michael Jackson again.

It started off okay, the video, about half an hour of music videos, which I was quite enjoying. But then this pile of astonishing ego wank came on the telly and I felt nauseous.

Basically Michael Jackson saves a bunch of very well fed homeless kids from the evil drug dealer Joe Pesci. He turns into a robot and flies back to his home planet (surprise!), I seem to remember some scene with a giant spider, oh I don't know.

This film traumatised me; it's just too painful to think about.

So what do you really think Chelle? It's ego wank